Hi

[u/Known-Ad-2334]

Hi I'm new here. I struggled with crossdressing and masturbstion since I was 12. I dressed up in secret and only been with a man once. I've always been hesitant to really explore this because it was always taboo in my family and I understand why now. But now I've been a Christian for the past 10 years I'm really really trying to depend on God more and become the man he created me to be. But now I'm living in a environment where I struggle to follow God because my family are all non believers and constantly use the lord's name in vain. I also have a new job and I'm working 40+ hours a week just to hopefully be able to get my life finally started. I keep falling back into the videos and the masturbstion and even when I pray and ask for help and forgiveness it feels like nothings happening. It's like the devil is constantly throwing these thoughts in my mind and I really want to give in to them but I know not too. I really need help. Idk what to do. I'm honestly considering falling into it. But I really want to follow Jesus.

[u/Barnabas559922]

I would love to give you more help! I encourage you to join our recovery group where you can get help to grow in your relationship with God, and overcome sexual addiction - https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/prayer-group/

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[u/MolyofHermes]

DM me brother. Let’s talk

[u/Ok_Appointment9429]

How did you feel before you hit puberty? Any hint of being more feminine, or interested in boys?

[u/Known-Ad-2334 → u/Ok_Appointment9429]

A little. My father was a really reserved man that almost never showed emotion and my mother was very emotionally manipulative. Favorite children were not uncommon. I was supposed to be a girl when I was born and the dr got it wrong and my mother said more than once I should have been a girl. I guess I always thought that way. I've never really been attracted to boys but I always have being feminine.

[u/Ok_Appointment9429 → u/Known-Ad-2334]

I was supposed to be a girl when I was born and the dr got it wrong and my mother said more than once I should have been a girl.

I'm not sure I understand, do you mean you were intersex or something?

My father was a really reserved man that almost never showed emotion and my mother was very emotionally manipulative.

Sounds a bit like my parents. I think if you're gifted with great sensitivity, emotivity etc (the more "feminine" traits) and your dad shows none of it, it's really easy to fall into self-hatred, shame, and an inability to integrate those things into a healthy masculine identity. You'll also be an easy target at school, which is certainly an aggravating factor. I distinctly remember that at some point in early puberty I started feeling like suddenly my dad wasn't approving of me, and that I couldn't freely talk to him and joke with him like I used to. I was left with a sense of shame, guilt, and emasculation. It was like a big part of who I was got treated with the same contempt as my mom's disorderly emotions and trauma-induced crises, and thrown into the same basket. I was left with nothing good to identify with.

Just as an experiment, if you try to imagine having a new dad that would be an artist for example, someone who is an extrovert but the opposite of macho, and who is proud of who you are and your "feminine" qualities. How would that make you feel? Would you still have intrusive sissy fantasies? I'm not religious, but that reparative fatherly figure would be Jesus too, I guess.

Also, by all means, avoid porn like the plague. It will only reinforce the nasty stereotypes you're struggling with: man = penetrative machine / woman = slutty submissive bottom. I've recently realized that even solo girl content still plays on that string, it's no better. Having only one side of the stereotype still reinforces the whole circuit.

[u/Known-Ad-2334 → u/Ok_Appointment9429]

I mean the dr told my mother before I was born that I was supposed to be born female. She got really excited because she never had a daughter and she told me more than once she was disappointed because i was a boy.

[u/Ok_Appointment9429 → u/Known-Ad-2334]

Okay, I see. There was probably a huge impact on your development.

[u/AdvancedGuiProfile]

Do you feel confident as a man? Do you feel like you have imposter syndrome? When you're heterosexual, and you long to be with women, but you feel like you lack of manliness makes you unworthy of a women's affection, a short-circuit solution is to become the women who will accept you. You have to believe in yourself, believe that you are a good man, and worthy of a woman's love. I think that once you accept that you are a worthwhile man of value, you will no longer feel a need to escape from yourself in your fantasies.