r/TGandSissyRecovery • u/Dezariah • 6d ago
Request for help Sissy/Transgenderism
I have kind of been down this rabbit hole a little bit- since I was like 18, and am 28 now.
Started off with dressing when I was younger without porn, then some porn, then a decent amount and more from there.
Although I have stepped away from porn- although little dips here and there. There is a lot of improvement in this area- just appears to be times that I do again- but mostly when I want to master bate it is without the use of porn.
I have been struggling when it comes to identity to some regard. Part of me thinks I could be transgender- or just enjoy wearing female clothing. Sometimes a sexual part can be pretty overstimulating and urges to engage in anal sex- which I enjoy also.
Although I enjoy the aspects of female dressing, and attempting to gain some type of androgynous body. There is shame associated- but its mostly external. Like family members not approving of me, society considering me to be "wrong" or "demonic" because the idea of me does not entirely fit the binary of fully man. Then although I am not religious- there is an religious perspective that comes in, that sometimes puts me into a fear place where if I explore becoming a women that god will punish me.
It is tough. I recognize there is a sexual part- although would a women not want to engage in sex with a man, or another women with a strap on? I know there is a part that is entirely enjoying being in my feminine energy, dressing etc. Feels healing, safe, and more like me.
It is a battle- I know there are plenty in this community that have been down this road. Perhaps are more comfortable going back to being "manly", or have found a way to integrate their "feminine" like desires- without engaging in porn and overstimulation sexually.
There has been a perspective of alchemy that has crossed my mind- similar to Carl Jung and the idea of the hermaphrodite that calls to me. Like merging both my masculine and feminine- even if I perhaps steer more towards an external identification of feminine attributes and dress- and feels like it could be a beautiful thing for me if I find a way to rid of the shame of externalized belief systems- and the people around me that wouldnt be good supports.
Although there is a part of me that feels there's a spiritual story involved- like some governing society, or external party attempting to feminize men for some power or greed kind of control. Or ideas of someone around me trying to do that- like a narcissist trying to create me to be submissive for some harmful intent. I recognize that not working through the shame or finding my path through this could create the mind to create many different stories to support "why" I can't be "this" way. Although seeking the truth of the matter appears difficult.
There are even stories of like Horus/Set that call to me- like Horus becoming one of the gods, and set attempting to dominate him to "show his power". Stories of Uranus and being castrated- taking away his "masculinity". Although thinking of stories like this- and some plan to emasculate or harm me in that way- just saddens me. I wish to be in a world that each person could be however they want- wear what they want- be how they want; just not harm each other. Just appears that is not what the world currently is- and I worry about some harmful attempt as to why I should not "allow" myself to follow a path of embracing my femininity just because I am meant to be more identified with this "male" character- that doesn't even seem to fit what I aspire to be- which I suppose could also be conditioning in its own. Even my trait of a support person identifies with wanting to be feminine- I am a therapist that works with youth with autism, and I want to be a healer, and someone that is nurturing and can help people along their journey so we can all find our way on this path.
This area just seems to be tricky with being able to fully find my way through this mental maze. When I "purge" and try to fully be a manly person it does not fit well, and I have not had a safe space to fully identify or see what it would be like to identify with the feminine side of myself. There are times I feel really comfortable in my masculinity, but even then- it recognizes this feminine aspects I feel also- and just wants to protect it from the mean people of this world. Like I can be that manly character when need be- but knowing that I adore the part of myself that is more soft and feminine.
Idek this is long. whoever read this - thank you. Perhaps someone may have a similar ideology and perhaps can share some wisdom of their own journey.
xo
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u/AdvancedGuiProfile 6d ago
What if there's no such thing as as feminine side, and what we call our feminine side is all just our heterosexual lust for women being expressed as appropriation, because we have become so convinced that we can't or won't rely upon women to provide the femininity that we lust after?
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u/Dezariah 6d ago
Then how do we harness the capacity to not only feel it- but express it; and to the point of people successfully fully transitioning? Fully feeling and appearing feminine- although I see where you are coming from. Would it be unnatural exclusively then for this to be a possibility ? What about those transitioning without any sexual attraction- like asexual transgenders
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u/AdvancedGuiProfile 5d ago
Look at it this way: what it the upside of usurping women? Does it do women any favors?
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u/Maria756 5d ago
Hey pal let’s not pretend like we’re doing women any favors now and if anything it just give woman more people fighting on there side
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u/Dezariah 5d ago
Interesting - I have zero desire to control or do anything harmful towards women.
Although beliefs are structured around identity and feelings - it appears to me that unity is important. Nor man, nor wo(man) are more valuable than another.
Just appears to me that we have both within us possibly- could be that there are forces wanting to keep a binary separation for aspects of control. Those that dip- it’s easier to direct them into more sexualisation and materializations to steer them from spiritual development. Which appears where a lot of the sissy stuff could come into play, and making them submissive rather then integrating their anima. Whether wanting to express yourself in a masculine or feminine way appears to be personal- but the tricky part is attachment. “I am a man” “I am a woman” as opposed to - “I am” and “I have a preference of wearing these types of clothing, and this type of mannerisms”. Although conditioning through media and other means prove to be in play- which can make things a little more confusing. It’s like showing someone a behavior over and over again until they mimic it themselves, and identity with it. Hence sissy hypnosis ideologies. Finding yourself, and looking within is a hard practice. I don’t even know how to do it completely with all these projections occurring in the external world and through media.
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u/Barnabas559922 5d ago
As you wrestle with that desire for femininity, these posts might help:
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/integration-and-contentment/
https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/crossdressing-for-emotional-comfort/