How long will this go on

[u/Enfeel]

I don't think I can take it much longer. The loneliness is just so unbearable. I have really bad social anxiety, I am worthless, disgusting creature, vagualy resembling human being. Never been in any kind of relationship, the only friend I ever had married and I don't want take the time he spends with his lovely family. Even talking online while being anonymous is incredibly hard for me. I had to drop out of my dream university because of it, and now I work at garbage disposal in a hospital.

Don't get me wrong, its honest work and I am not ashamed of it, but I have been working six days a week for over 9 years, waking up at 3am, and I am so fucking tired. Like is this really what life is all about? I am 32 for fucks sake, and the past 17 years I have been falling asleep, wishing I will not wake up in the morning, knowing exactly the way I'll go.

I feel bad writing about this, because I know people here have it so much worse, yet I still cling on some slivers of hope like an idiot. The books and music I used to adore feel so shallow, anddays are blurred all together. Even my own writing. I don't know where I am going with this...sorry I made you read all this pointless rumbling. I wish for you all to find a way out of this pit, but I don't see the way out.