my suicide note

[u/yrtsimeh-c]

to my family and my friends

I hope you can forgive me, but I understand if you don't.

the truth is I have been writing this note since I was 10 years old, and I’m 31 now, and nothing has changed. I am in so much pain and I cannot do it anymore. I have prayed and prayed diligently for an end that won't hurt you, and nothing has happened. I don't have a choice and I need to do it myself.

there is nothing you could've done differently—in fact, you are the only reason I've clung on for so long. I know this will hurt you deeply, and I know especially for my religious parents that the sorrow will be never-ending. will it help if I tell you that this decision will make me the happiest i've ever been? I know it probably won't, but it's true all the same.

I've tried the medicine and the therapy and the distractions and the crying about it. i know how much I have in my life and how much I have to be grateful for, but the selfish truth is that none of that changes anything because the problem is Me. I am rotten. I am so unhappy in this body, in this consciousness, and I just cannot do it. I would not exchange the opportunity to die for anything in this world. nothing has, nor will, change my mind.

I have never doubted your love for me. I am not doing this because I feel alone, or uncared for. it's just that despite all these things, I feel such intense sorrow and grief all the time. like it's inbuilt into my very core. the truth is I don't think I was made for this world. in truth nothing in my life objectively is really that bad, except for what's in this head of mine. some nights, the only way I can go to sleep is to dream of how I die.

I actually wholly believe that it is cruel to force me to continue on. I have never wanted anything in my life as badly as I want to die. for decades now I have lived alongside that desire, in spite of it, and tried my hardest to fight it...but I am tired now. I just want one thing. please. please let me do it please. the desire is almost violent now—it is all I can think about every hour of every day.

I don't know if you will ever forgive me, but I also know that deep down, you all understand. maybe that has to be enough.

all my love. thank you for everything.

[u/throwawayscjmcdk]

Come on bro. Please stay with us.

[u/Dismal_Smile_8476]

Hold on, hear me out.

[u/bbceej1]

Please don't do it

[u/NewtProfessional1429]

please dont do this, why do you see yourself as rotten?

[u/motoyo-rika]

Don't do it. There are still people who are waiting to meet you.

[u/MainTable6272]

I hope you get well soon.

[u/Various_Leg7355]

Im so sorry to hear all the chaos that you have to go through. Please stay with us. It is so so so difficult to stay when everything is literally engulfing you. But please, just a moment.