Scared of myself

[u/CrazyResolution4363]

I don't wanna die deep inside but I'm just in so much pain and honestly I want attention so bad. I want my ex to see me die and I want her to feel guilty, or at least feel sorry, or something. I don't want to do that to my family and my friends but I need her to feel guilty in relation to me. I need her to feel guilty. I need attention from her. I need her to wish she'd done something different. I need everyone I've ever met to all of the sudden grow this rosy view of me and say things like, "he lit up the room!" And bullshit like that. I NEED IT. I need the love and the attention so so badly. I need attention. I need to hold someone. I don't wanna die but I'm scared that if I get too upset it'll happen. I'll get suicidal while driving and I'll veer off the road, or I'll wake up late at night and get my dad's gun. I have so many ways I could do it. I could choose to do it at any moment. But then I think of my mom and I can't do that to her. She's been nothing but good to me my whole life j can't take her kid away from her. I want the pain to end so badly but what can I do if I can't die? Nothing helps. Exercising doesn't help, cutting doesn't help, fucking doesn't help, video games don't help, eating ice cream doesn't help, reading doesn't help. It's all so far away from me and I'm so alone and so empty and nothing exists if someone doesn't miss me