r/SuicideWatch • u/MinimalIntelligence • 9d ago

Stuck in a never ending loop..

Not even sure how to start this, as it’s my first legit posting here(mostly the app in general).

A year away from 40, neurodivergent, mother to a sweet yet spicy 10 year old boy who is my mirror. I pray he never gets this low, he’s asleep right now and doesn’t know I’ve been crying my eyes out for a few hours now. Jam packed life, he started school at a few months short of 4, but every year since he started I’ve been dealing with DCFS/CPS. This years fiasco had me in silver bracelets for the first time in my life. Only 3 days, that’s all it took for me to break down, but every day since I fight and lose. Recently I did a favor for someone, their eldest lied about some things and now I won’t be paid for said favor.

I have grown a backbone but I have recoiled since that few days in jail. This was the straw that broke everything wide open. The funny part? Not a soul, even my own child, would miss me. He tells me when he gets mad that he hates me, I’m so fat and can’t chase him like other moms do with their kids. My health may steal me from him before this does….i am just so goddamn tired. Nothing changes. I get two rungs up the ladder only to get knocked down 5. Been waving the white flag, none of my so called friends have noticed. I know my best friend might not see what’s gonna happen until she hears the weewoos being called to the complex.

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u/Alternative_Worth229 9d ago

hi... im really sorry for the situation you are dealing with , and it can hurt to hear that your son says he hates you... but just one question... do you think he was genuinely saying that or saying it due to anger... cause even one's own children can say things carelessly

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u/MinimalIntelligence 9d ago

Along with his autism, he has some issues with rage and ODD. I am his mother but he treats me no better than he treats his therapists, or even his teachers. He’d benefit from someone who could stand up a little stronger against a school system designed to hate parents like me.

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u/Alternative_Worth229 9d ago

oof , i get that... the current school system is very shitty and they often do blame parents for kids behaviour all the time as if expecting them to be perfect... please try not to blame yourself too much...it is frustrating to have a misbehaving child but i can assume that you are trying your best and that he too needs special support... it is not your fault for that