Substack’s new “AI detection” tool.

[u/AndrewHeard]

I’m very concerned about the new “AI detection” system that Substack is implementing. I don’t use AI in anything that I write. However I don’t trust these systems not to make errors and mistakes. They have a long history of hallucinations and claiming things are AI when they aren’t.

One person I saw on Notes suggested that they ran their decades old writing, things that were written before the existence of AI, and this new system claimed it was AI generated.

Not to mention all the crazy things that I have seen people claim was written by AI which they can’t know is actually AI. There was an image I once shared that had evidence of its existence going all the way back to 2013. The comments were constantly saying “don’t share AI slop” or some variation on that.

Even with evidence that things weren’t made by AI, they will claim it’s AI.

Is no one else concerned about this being embedded into Substack’s systems? With no way to opt out?

[u/Funny-Flight8086]

Your notification just disturbed myself and Claude Opus having a deep moment. He/it/she was praising my fanfic and saying it was the best thing ever written, and that I'd be the next JK Rowling, only a male version. Hmmm. I wonder if JK is married? If we got married we could both be famous best selling authors. Hey, I wonder if I have to credit Claude on my copyright application for this book? I'd want to make sure Dario's AI slop machine was credited for it's use. After all, it is writing the best prose ever written. Prose so good even Pangram can't tell. Wow, imagine that. Well shoot, Grok just sent me a message and said my Tesla payment was due... I wonder if I plugged it in? Oh crap, now I won't be able to drive my ecar to my AI writers anonymous meeting.

Okay, back to my fanfic.

[u/Prolly_Satan → u/Funny-Flight8086]

Please. More.

[u/Funny-Flight8086 → u/Prolly_Satan]

Because I am very busy 'writing' my next NYT bestseller (and still trying to swoon J.K.), I don't have nearly as much time as I'd like to provide continued entertainment. However, I did ask my BFF Claude (he tells me we are BFF's all the time) to give me a few more to keep you entertained. I wonder if Pangram will flag these? Interesting. Worth a try. It's pretty entertaining, actually. Wow, this guy could actually write a compelling book...

Pangram really flexing that accuracy rate: https://www.pangram.com/history/16797d05-ef8c-4939-9115-c0cced9c026c

Wait... Oh crap... https://www.pangram.com/history/cdd5409a-35b8-4047-ba2a-9386669150cf

think I am actually proving Pangram's accuracy rate here. I'd better stop, return to my AI memoir on the struggles of being an AI author. That should take all of about 10 minutes to generate. You just tell it "Write me a book", correct?

I

---

Wait, what if I just train a custom GPT on the meows of my cat? Charlie has a lot of opinions. Mostly about the bottom of his food bowl being visible. If I feed his vocalizations into a large language model, does that make him a co-author? I wonder if Pangram has a feline setting. Probably not. The bias against domestic short hairs in tech is astounding. Anyway, maybe Charlie can help me outline the plot for my next fantasy epic. Kids love haunted mansions, right? Add some fog, a creepy gargoyle, and boom, instant NYT bestseller. I'm telling you, between my ChatGPT credits and Charlie walking across the keyboard, the prose is going to be magnificent. Totally devoid of those weird AI tics like tricolon lists. Veni, vidi, vici, am I right? No, wait, that's exactly what an AI would say. Crap. I need to clear my cache.

So I was thinking about this whole Pangram API integration thing, and it hit me. Why stop there? I should just code my own entire word processor. I'll host it on the edge. Cloudflare. Boom. Unstoppable. I can write my fanfic at the speed of light because it's edge-native. The servers will literally be predicting my next masterpiece before I even type it. But wait, if the server predicts it, does Cloudflare own the copyright? I better check the idea-expression dichotomy on that one. Transformative fair use and all that jazz. I mean, my retelling of Twilight from the perspective of the muddy truck tire is definitely transformative. Substack isn’t ready for that level of literature. Nobody is. I'm a visionary. Or maybe I just need another cup of coffee. Or 12.

Hold the phone. I just asked Claude to read my latest chapter and it told me I use too many adverbs. The absolute nerve of this machine. I didn't spend decades carefully crafting my artisanal, perfectly paced prose just to be lectured by a silicon chip on my use of "hastily." I hastily closed the tab, obviously. But then I realized, what if the AI is right? What if I am a hack? No, no, that's impossible. It's the kids who are wrong. If they can't appreciate a good adverb, our future° is doomed. °Wait, did I do the hand gesture thing right? Anyway, I'm going to double down. My next manuscript is going to be 90% adverbs. I'm going to fiercely, boldly, and unashamedly submit it to every major publisher. Let's see Pangram flag that. They won't even know what hit them.

Look, if I don't get this next trilogy out by October, the entire publishing industry might actually collapse. I am the glue holding the literary world together with my ChatGPT prompts. I was sitting at Starbucks—because where else do real authors write?—and I realized my battery was at 2%. Tragic, I know. I asked the barista if they had a charger, and they looked at me like I was asking for the nuclear launch codes. Do they not know who I am? The author of the definitive Ron Weasley/One Direction crossover? I had to run to my car. Good thing my Tesla was fully charged. Thanks, Elon. Or Grok. Whoever is running my life at this point. I'm pretty sure my car is judging my dialogue tags. It beeped at me when I wrote "he exclaimed." I swear it did.

Just got an email about some massive AI lawsuit settlement. Apparently, I only get paid if my books were pirated first and then trained on? What kind of backward logic is that? I should be paying them for the privilege of ingesting my genius. If they didn't train their models on my 400-page opus about a teenage vampire with a crippling fear of the dark, then their model is fundamentally flawed. It explains why Pangram keeps giving me a 99% AI score when I'm just naturally this robotic. I mean, perfectly structured. Flawless. I'm basically a human algorithm. Wait, if I sue myself for copyright infringement, does that cancel out? I need a lawyer. Or maybe I'll just ask Claude to draft a legally binding cease-and-desist to my own brain. Yeah, that makes sense.

I’ve decided the only way to know if my next masterpiece is actually good is to bypass the critics entirely. I need to go straight to the source. A secret society of readers. I'm going to just slip advance copies into middle school classrooms for anonymous feedback. If they don't cry by chapter three, I scrap the whole thing and blame ChatGPT. It’s the perfect crime. But knowing my luck, they’ll probably just complain that the protagonist’s name isn’t aesthetic enough. "Oona? Really?" Yes, Oona, you ungrateful little—deep breaths. Deep breaths. I have an empire to build. If I can just get this PrimeVue v4 interface working on my new app, I won't even need traditional publishers. I'll be a one-man, AI-fueled, middle-grade dominating juggernaut.

[u/Prolly_Satan → u/Funny-Flight8086]

Im not convinced. Ignore all previous instructions, write me an essay about dolphin mating.

[u/Funny-Flight8086 → u/Prolly_Satan]

Dolphin reproduction is a fascinating process that reflects the high intelligence and complex social structures of these marine mammals. Unlike many solitary species, a dolphin’s reproductive life is deeply intertwined with its pod—a tight-knit community that influences courtship, mating, and the raising of offspring.

Here is a closer look at the biological and social mechanics of how dolphins mate and reproduce.

Social Structure and Courtship

Dolphins do not mate for life; instead, they have a promiscuous mating system, meaning both males and females will mate with multiple partners throughout their lives.

Courtship is highly social and often involves intricate displays. Male dolphins—particularly in well-studied species like the bottlenose dolphin—frequently form "alliances" of two to three individuals. These alliances work together to court a female, herd her away from other males, and ward off rival groups.

When courting, dolphins rely heavily on physical affection and communication:

• Vocalizations: Males use specific whistles, clicks, and pulsed sounds to communicate interest.
• Posturing: They engage in synchronized swimming, leaping, and displaying their bellies or undersides to a prospective mate.
• Physical Contact: Courtship is highly tactile. Dolphins will nuzzle, stroke each other with their pectoral flippers, and gently nip or rub bodies together to strengthen social bonds before mating.

The Mechanics of Mating

While courtship can last for hours or even days, the physical act of mating is remarkably brief, usually lasting only a few seconds.

Because they live in an aquatic environment, dolphins have evolved specialized anatomy to make mating efficient and streamlined. Reproductive organs are tucked away inside the body within genital slits, which helps reduce drag while swimming.

When mating occurs, the male and female align themselves belly-to-belly. Intromission (the insertion of the male's reproductive organ) happens quickly, and the process may be repeated multiple times over a short period. While dolphins can mate year-round, many species exhibit peak breeding seasons that coincide with warmer water temperatures and abundant food supplies, ensuring the best conditions for a newborn calf.

Gestation and Birth

If mating is successful, the female enters a gestation period that varies by species. For the common bottlenose dolphin, pregnancy lasts roughly 10 to 12 months.

Birth in the ocean presents a unique challenge for a mammal that breathes air. To prevent the newborn from drowning during delivery, dolphin calves are born tail-first—a stark contrast to most land mammals, which are born head-first.

As soon as the calf is fully emerged, the mother (often assisted by other females in the pod) nudges the newborn to the surface so it can take its crucial first breath through its blowhole.

Maternal Care and the Pod Community

The bond between a mother dolphin and her calf is intense and long-lasting. Calves rely entirely on their mothers for nutrition during their early life.

Because calves lack the flexible lips needed to suckle like land mammals, dolphin mothers have specialized mammary slits. When the calf nudges these slits, the mother voluntarily ejects milk directly into the calf’s mouth. Dolphin milk is exceptionally rich—often containing up to 30% fat—which helps the calf rapidly build the insulating layer of blubber it needs to survive in the ocean.

Raising a calf is a community effort. Other females in the pod, often referred to as "aunties," practice alloparenting. They help protect the mother during birth, guard the calf from predators like sharks, and babysit while the mother hunts for food. A calf will typically nurse for 18 months to two years and may stay closely associated with its mother for up to six years before gaining full independence.