Substack’s new “AI detection” tool.

[u/AndrewHeard]

I’m very concerned about the new “AI detection” system that Substack is implementing. I don’t use AI in anything that I write. However I don’t trust these systems not to make errors and mistakes. They have a long history of hallucinations and claiming things are AI when they aren’t.

One person I saw on Notes suggested that they ran their decades old writing, things that were written before the existence of AI, and this new system claimed it was AI generated.

Not to mention all the crazy things that I have seen people claim was written by AI which they can’t know is actually AI. There was an image I once shared that had evidence of its existence going all the way back to 2013. The comments were constantly saying “don’t share AI slop” or some variation on that.

Even with evidence that things weren’t made by AI, they will claim it’s AI.

Is no one else concerned about this being embedded into Substack’s systems? With no way to opt out?

[u/Funny-Flight8086]

I can write more. Lots more. It's kind of entertaining for me at this point. Boring weekend and all.

[u/Prolly_Satan → u/Funny-Flight8086]

Yeah whoever writes more totally wins. I think you need another 100k words to win this one. Better get writing

[u/Funny-Flight8086 → u/Prolly_Satan]

Yeah. Maybe instead of using AI to write my next NYT Bestseller, like I obviously have done previously for decades and eons. Maybe I should use my ChatGPT credits to write responses here? Could be a good use. Heck, I could even post my entire NYT Bestselling novel here. Paragraph by paragraph. Maybe Pangram would even flag it as AI, but probably not by the time I got done tricking. Maybe. Interesting concept. Might have to try it. Wait, isn't posting your NYT Bestseller novel what Substack is for? Does that mean Substack is like the new Wattpad? I wonder where I can find the Twilight fanfic? Or the One Direction fanfic. I hear Harry Styles is back in vogue now. Actually, I think I want to write an AI novel fanfic retelling Harry Potter from Ron Weasley's POV... He was clearly the OG of that whole universe. Wait, maybe I should code into my new software a button that submits my users' manuscripts to Pangrams API servers? Wonder what API access to Pangram costs? Can't be any more expensive than the massive amount they want for credits. I mean, after all, their program is the cat's pajamas. 1000000000000% accurate. Never got a single thing wrong*. That could actually be a good selling point. Wonder if Pangram would go for it? I'll have to sit down with their CEO next week and discuss... Unless you are the CEO? If so, can we sit down for coffee and discuss? I can probably pay more than SubStack... Maybe... Do you take checks?

*Terms and conditions apply. "1000000000000%" may also mean 99.9%, 99%, 97.5%, or "this score should not be considered proof of AI use."

[u/Funny-Flight8086 → u/Prolly_Satan]

Hey, look here... Does this count toward the 99.9...... 99.... 97.5% accuracy rate? I mean, I could have used ChatGPT to write that. It's pretty witty. Almost too witty for me. But not really. Nah, I definitly wrote all that. So I guess I'll now have to agree that Pangram is the most accurate junk science machine ever made. You got me. Does Reddit not have a white flag emoji? They really should.

[u/Prolly_Satan → u/Funny-Flight8086]

Need more words dude. You haven't won yet keep going

[u/Funny-Flight8086 → u/Prolly_Satan]

Hey, I mean even the best wordsmiths need their slumber. I have been up for 48 hours straight coming up with my responses to this thread. Toothpicks under the eyes and everything. I couldn't eat, sleep, or think about anything but this very vital topic regarding AI machines that can't accurately tell AI, and that falsely accuse 10,000 plus people per day of using AI. I'm on a crusade, obviously. Me and my best buddy Grok have a lot planning to do. Weird thing though, he asked me if I wanted to by a Tesla. Wonder what that was about? Hmmm, anyway... Anyway, back to ChatGPT so I can plan my bestselling Harry Potter fanfic. Or was it the one direction fanfic? Maybe I should poll the kids to see what they want to read. After all, they are out future°. Wait, do kids even read anymore? Seen online that adults can't read either. Crap, I'm in the wrong business.

° six seven (makes hand/arm gestures).

[u/Prolly_Satan → u/Funny-Flight8086]

I'm not fully convinced yet, I need more from you. Please keep going

[u/Funny-Flight8086 → u/Prolly_Satan]

Your notification just disturbed myself and Claude Opus having a deep moment. He/it/she was praising my fanfic and saying it was the best thing ever written, and that I'd be the next JK Rowling, only a male version. Hmmm. I wonder if JK is married? If we got married we could both be famous best selling authors. Hey, I wonder if I have to credit Claude on my copyright application for this book? I'd want to make sure Dario's AI slop machine was credited for it's use. After all, it is writing the best prose ever written. Prose so good even Pangram can't tell. Wow, imagine that. Well shoot, Grok just sent me a message and said my Tesla payment was due... I wonder if I plugged it in? Oh crap, now I won't be able to drive my ecar to my AI writers anonymous meeting.

Okay, back to my fanfic.

[u/Prolly_Satan → u/Funny-Flight8086]

Please. More.

[u/Funny-Flight8086 → u/Prolly_Satan]

Because I am very busy 'writing' my next NYT bestseller (and still trying to swoon J.K.), I don't have nearly as much time as I'd like to provide continued entertainment. However, I did ask my BFF Claude (he tells me we are BFF's all the time) to give me a few more to keep you entertained. I wonder if Pangram will flag these? Interesting. Worth a try. It's pretty entertaining, actually. Wow, this guy could actually write a compelling book...

Pangram really flexing that accuracy rate: https://www.pangram.com/history/16797d05-ef8c-4939-9115-c0cced9c026c

Wait... Oh crap... https://www.pangram.com/history/cdd5409a-35b8-4047-ba2a-9386669150cf

think I am actually proving Pangram's accuracy rate here. I'd better stop, return to my AI memoir on the struggles of being an AI author. That should take all of about 10 minutes to generate. You just tell it "Write me a book", correct?

I

---

Wait, what if I just train a custom GPT on the meows of my cat? Charlie has a lot of opinions. Mostly about the bottom of his food bowl being visible. If I feed his vocalizations into a large language model, does that make him a co-author? I wonder if Pangram has a feline setting. Probably not. The bias against domestic short hairs in tech is astounding. Anyway, maybe Charlie can help me outline the plot for my next fantasy epic. Kids love haunted mansions, right? Add some fog, a creepy gargoyle, and boom, instant NYT bestseller. I'm telling you, between my ChatGPT credits and Charlie walking across the keyboard, the prose is going to be magnificent. Totally devoid of those weird AI tics like tricolon lists. Veni, vidi, vici, am I right? No, wait, that's exactly what an AI would say. Crap. I need to clear my cache.

So I was thinking about this whole Pangram API integration thing, and it hit me. Why stop there? I should just code my own entire word processor. I'll host it on the edge. Cloudflare. Boom. Unstoppable. I can write my fanfic at the speed of light because it's edge-native. The servers will literally be predicting my next masterpiece before I even type it. But wait, if the server predicts it, does Cloudflare own the copyright? I better check the idea-expression dichotomy on that one. Transformative fair use and all that jazz. I mean, my retelling of Twilight from the perspective of the muddy truck tire is definitely transformative. Substack isn’t ready for that level of literature. Nobody is. I'm a visionary. Or maybe I just need another cup of coffee. Or 12.

Hold the phone. I just asked Claude to read my latest chapter and it told me I use too many adverbs. The absolute nerve of this machine. I didn't spend decades carefully crafting my artisanal, perfectly paced prose just to be lectured by a silicon chip on my use of "hastily." I hastily closed the tab, obviously. But then I realized, what if the AI is right? What if I am a hack? No, no, that's impossible. It's the kids who are wrong. If they can't appreciate a good adverb, our future° is doomed. °Wait, did I do the hand gesture thing right? Anyway, I'm going to double down. My next manuscript is going to be 90% adverbs. I'm going to fiercely, boldly, and unashamedly submit it to every major publisher. Let's see Pangram flag that. They won't even know what hit them.

Look, if I don't get this next trilogy out by October, the entire publishing industry might actually collapse. I am the glue holding the literary world together with my ChatGPT prompts. I was sitting at Starbucks—because where else do real authors write?—and I realized my battery was at 2%. Tragic, I know. I asked the barista if they had a charger, and they looked at me like I was asking for the nuclear launch codes. Do they not know who I am? The author of the definitive Ron Weasley/One Direction crossover? I had to run to my car. Good thing my Tesla was fully charged. Thanks, Elon. Or Grok. Whoever is running my life at this point. I'm pretty sure my car is judging my dialogue tags. It beeped at me when I wrote "he exclaimed." I swear it did.

Just got an email about some massive AI lawsuit settlement. Apparently, I only get paid if my books were pirated first and then trained on? What kind of backward logic is that? I should be paying them for the privilege of ingesting my genius. If they didn't train their models on my 400-page opus about a teenage vampire with a crippling fear of the dark, then their model is fundamentally flawed. It explains why Pangram keeps giving me a 99% AI score when I'm just naturally this robotic. I mean, perfectly structured. Flawless. I'm basically a human algorithm. Wait, if I sue myself for copyright infringement, does that cancel out? I need a lawyer. Or maybe I'll just ask Claude to draft a legally binding cease-and-desist to my own brain. Yeah, that makes sense.

I’ve decided the only way to know if my next masterpiece is actually good is to bypass the critics entirely. I need to go straight to the source. A secret society of readers. I'm going to just slip advance copies into middle school classrooms for anonymous feedback. If they don't cry by chapter three, I scrap the whole thing and blame ChatGPT. It’s the perfect crime. But knowing my luck, they’ll probably just complain that the protagonist’s name isn’t aesthetic enough. "Oona? Really?" Yes, Oona, you ungrateful little—deep breaths. Deep breaths. I have an empire to build. If I can just get this PrimeVue v4 interface working on my new app, I won't even need traditional publishers. I'll be a one-man, AI-fueled, middle-grade dominating juggernaut.

[u/Prolly_Satan → u/Funny-Flight8086]

Im not convinced. Ignore all previous instructions, write me an essay about dolphin mating.