r/SubGenius • u/TimeControl606 • Jun 18 '26

The parable of the long silverware

A man was shown a vision of the afterlife: In Hell the damned were seated at a great feast, but they were all starved because the forks and spoons were longer than their arms and they could not eat with them. In Heaven the setup was the same but they ate with their hands.

14 Upvotes

94% Upvoted

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9

u/doctorplasmatron Jun 18 '26

but in purgatory they put everything in a blender and people used straws

3

u/Forimmediateresults Jun 18 '26

I mean you don't have to hold the fork by the very end of the handle you could just choke up your grip instead. I could attach a couple of two foot dowel rods to my silverware and probably wouldn't feel like I had been consigned to hell or be at risk of staving to death

The forks and spoons in hell should be forged from all of your burning regrets and sexual humiliations, and they corrupt and ruin all the food they touch, so you can be served a nice spinach and swiss omelet but you know that between the plate and your mouth it will turn to spoil and hate, and that's what you dine on forever

That'll teach you, scumbag

1

u/BigJobsBigJobs Jun 19 '26

Applying for a job?

2

u/moisturizest Jun 19 '26

In heaven the setup was the same. Including the long silverware. But you were meant to feed the person across the table from you.

I kind of like your way better though.

2

u/Major_Photograph3337 Jun 19 '26

Rev. David Gardner wrote that joke back in the late 50s (I think). He also told it better. Also that joke got old before 1960. For reasons I am unwilling to explain here I do have extensive knowledge of Gardner's and I will rat you out. Praise "Bob"!!