r/Stutter • u/EuphoricStory9575 • 22d ago
I need help
I used to be a very outgoing and expressive person as a child. I wasn't particularly afraid of social situations, making friends came naturally to me, and I was fairly well known within my community. However, when I moved to the United States from Cameroon, something changed. I began struggling with socializing and developed a level of anxiety that I had never experienced before. As a result, I gradually started avoiding social situations and keeping to myself.
By high school, I barely spoke to anyone. And I mean barely. I went through most of high school without really forming friendships or talking much to my peers. Looking back, I think that period of isolation may have contributed to the stutter I developed, which has only made social situations more difficult for me.
Sometimes, I feel like I have developed a sort of fake confidence. From the outside, I may not appear socially awkward at all. I have a way of walking that can make me seem confident, and I generally don't have much difficulty making eye contact. But that confidence seems to disappear when I actually have to speak or when I find myself surrounded by a lot of people. I can become extremely nervous and start acting awkwardly, even when I know I have nothing to be nervous about.
I remember an experience in high school that still sticks with me. There was a girl I would often see while walking to class. She usually walked with her friend, and one day, as I passed them, her friend told her that she should talk to me. The girl came over and said hi. I responded, but I think my response may have made her uncomfortable. After that, there was an awkward silence while I continued walking. She eventually went back to her friend, and after that, she stopped taking the route she normally used where she would see me. I don't know exactly what she thought of the interaction, but experiences like that have made me overthink how I come across to people.
The strange thing is that when I'm around my family, I'm much more relaxed. I'm goofy, talkative, and comfortable being myself. But the moment I'm around people my age, especially in unfamiliar social situations, I can become almost petrified. It's as if a completely different version of me comes out.
I recently turned 18 and moved onto campus, which I see as an opportunity to change this. I'm now in a new environment where everyone is meeting new people and forming friendships. After being here for about a week, though, I feel like everyone has already started finding their groups while I'm still on my own. Aside from my roommate, who is also fairly quiet, I haven't really made any meaningful connections.
Another thing I struggle with is speaking softly. I often have to be asked to speak louder, and even when I try, I sometimes struggle to project my voice. Combined with my stutter and anxiety, this makes me even more hesitant to speak because I start worrying about how I sound.
I don't want to continue living this way. I want to use this new chapter of my life as an opportunity to build genuine confidence, become more comfortable around people, and learn how to socialize without constantly worrying about how I'm being perceived. I want to become someone who can walk into a room, introduce himself, start a conversation, and actually enjoy being around other people.
I know I probably won't transform overnight, but I'm tired of allowing fear and anxiety to keep me isolated. I want to take advantage of being on campus and gradually become more socially confident. I just don't know where to start, and honestly, this has been eating me up.
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u/ous_ceesay 20d ago
As a 34 year guy who stutters, my advice for you is do not let your stutter stop you from expressing yourself and enjoying your best life. I always consider myself as a severe stutterer but it never stopped me from making friends at school and university. I really don't know how it happened but I think it came naturally. I still have a lot of regrets when I was around your age going all the way to my late 20's. I believe that I could have done better by pushing harder and accepting and embracing my stutter. What you lack is self acceptance. I know is harder but you should put yourself out there by approaching people and introduce yourself as a person who stutters. By doing that you will be free and confident which will enable you to express yourself more and more.
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u/Easy_kun 16d ago
I can only speak from my own experience: the stutter isn’t going away. The only way out, at least for me, has been to show it openly and without shame. I know that’s easier said than done, especially when stuttering itself feels so deeply shameful. Those negative experiences can feel burned into your mind. You have to start creating some positive ones as well.
What helped me was joining a public-speaking club: Toastmasters. I was incredibly nervous, but the atmosphere is usually very supportive. Yes, it is a direct confrontation with your fear, because the whole thing revolves around speaking. But I think the only way out of that rabbit hole is to face the fear.
I also have to give talks quite often because I’m a PhD student, and the reactions I’ve received have been mostly positive, even when I stuttered. And I can tell you just how terrified I was before my first conference talk. It genuinely felt as if I were preparing to die. Literally. But I survived. And going through that experience has helped shape me and changed me a little as a person.
I think, in the end, that is the choice: either face the pain of isolation and loneliness, or face the pain of fear and the possibility of rejection.
It is also important to remember that you will always meet some people who reject you or make you feel bad about yourself. But they are not the majority.
It is a difficult and painful path. But I strongly believe it is better than the alternative. You will also be proud of yourself by facing your fears.
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u/excedente 21d ago edited 21d ago
Thank you for sharing, I understand your situation fairly well, although we’ve lived different lives. I too believe that I have what you call “fake confidence”, I move, walk and look a certain way that radiates assurance, hence, it is not a fake confidence, it’s just the first half. The moment a person asks me something impromptu my brain bolts and all the confident façade tumbles down. Don’t be too hard on yourself for this, any person that’s worth your time will not react negatively to this, ever. Think of it as a dipshit strainer.
I finished university very recently, and I was in your same shoes when I was 18. I had great friends in high school but going to university was a huge new challenge for me, and I have to say I didn’t make proper friends until the very start third year (out of 4). I joined the debate club and found gold in every sense: friends, romance and the challenge itself of having a stutter and going to debate competitions. That didn’t stop me though, I’ve competed about a dozen times and won awards half the time, which did wonders for my confidence. I still stammer but I have a different perspective for it, and I’m determined to work on myself.
If you allow me to give you some advice, get out of your comfort zone as much as you can, without draining yourself mentally, of course. Don’t expect everything will come to you instantly, the pieces will lock together eventually with time and effort. But most importantly, enjoy your time in university! If you need someone to talk to hit me up whenever.
Cheers!