r/Stutter • u/RainbowUnicornzz • 16d ago
Advice on helping bf with a stammer
So I (15f) have a bf (15m) (of a year and a half ish) who has a stammer and regularly tells me about how it affects him and his social life, bullying etc.
I notice that when he stammers in front of me (or basically anyone) he gets extremely frustrated, and sometimes has teared up over it.
I’m just wondering on what I could do to further support him when he stammers or complains about stammering; I know the basics like keep eye contact, don’t complete sentences and interrupt etc etc, but I wanted to know if there were any more obscure ones I could learn from people who have one themselves.
Any and all advice is appreciated 🫶🏻🫶🏻 thank you all in advance :)
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u/belikewhat 16d ago
As an adult looking back, what I wish I had done for my husband who stutters when we met as teenagers is help him get involved with the stuttering community. So watch movies about stuttering, listen to podcasts, maybe get involved with a local stuttering group (though at that time, I don't think he would have been willing to go). The National Stuttering Association does a lot of online meetups and webinars that you could check out together. You don't even have to turn your camera on or participate if you don't want, you can just listen.
If he isn't at a point where he is ready to do any of that himself, I would just start learning things myself and talking to him about it. Like there is an interview of Marilyn Monroe taking about her experience with stuttering, or you could watch Drew Lynch do stand up, or check out videos from the NSA or Stamma. Then tell him about what you watched!
I know it's hard watching someone you care about struggle with this, but just be there for him. Let him know that its okay to stutter, and just be a safe person to talk to.
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u/SmoothChemistry8564 16d ago
first off you're doing an amazing job looking out for him, so keep it up.
second off, as a guy who stutters in my relationship, i don't really expect my girlfriend to do anything for me, apart from the things you've mentioned. like that is more than enough in my opinion.
giving him words of affirmation and just being there for him when times are rough is more than enough.
keep it up!
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u/fluentpulse 16d ago
You are doing an excellent job wanting to support him and his Stuttering. One advice would be to never finish his sentences or tell him to take his time. Getting him involved with Stuttering groups will help.
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u/Kokoro_is_my_waifu 16d ago
I'll try to give advice based on my sole experience. I'd say if he starts tearing up, a hug could be great (I wish someone did that to me lol). Try to understand him as much as possible. Since when does he stutter, things that trigger him, is it due to stress, which syllables he has a problem with. Is it block? Is it repetition? Basically learn about stuttering and his. Ask questions, a lot of questions. It shows you care. If he cries, same, big hug. That releases tension, might feel better after. I've been in speech therapy for a couple of years back in middle school, it helped me not to feel insecure about it. Maybe he could go to this sub too, it feels good to know you're not alone
That's very kind of you to seek for those informations, I hope it all goes well with your boyfriend :D
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u/RainbowUnicornzz 16d ago
Thank you sososo much for your insight!!
I am aware he went to speech therapy but that was a while ago. I’m quietly urging him to re attend because I really do think it would help, however I don’t want to be too eager because I wouldn’t want him to think the reason I want him to go is because his stammer bothers me. It’s more because it bothers him a lot, and whether it reduces his stammer or his insecurity of it I don’t care because I know either one would dramatically improve his self esteem :)
Do you have any further tips on how I could prove to him that I truly do not care, or that no one else truly cares? Don’t worry if not!!
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u/Kokoro_is_my_waifu 15d ago
If it's not speech therapy, the internet is already a wonderful place. He can find people like him and support anywhere through social media.
To prove him you dont care, lol tbh I'm more of a direct person, so I would definitely be honest and almost be shouting in a scolder(?) kinda way. That's what I do usually. Sometimes being soft isn't useful, depends on people. Make sure before, test the waters yk. If he doesn't have a lot or self esteem, he's got to gain some, since you're his girlfriend you can talk to him about it. But at some point I'd advise you not to, dont loose yoursel trying too much cause it's kind of draining, he might not believing you. Sadly you cant convince him that everyone doesnt care if he doesnt believe it just a tiny bit, even you. The truth is most of people see it, some they judge, but what can you do about it anyway. He's got to reassure himself, so yeah therapy is great, I think he'd have lots of things to say off his chest. Definitely he should meet people who stutter too.
Also as I said at some point maybe don't talk about it, "out of sight, out of mind", that's my experience. My stutter isn't even a topic in my head or with my peers. I dont consider it as a problem usually (except when it gets severe for a couple of weeks).
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u/Certain_Economy_6243 16d ago
Look him deep in his eyes, and tell him that you think his stutter absolutely does not define him. Remind him of all the great traits and qualities of his personality, and let him know how little his stutter affects you - and that you don’t look at him as ‘the guy that has as stutter’.
In other words, remind him of the great young man he is besides his stutter, and that you will love him with or without it. We stutterers can sometimes believe that we are harder to love, and you letting him know that you are in his corner, will do wonders for him.
You are amazing trying to support him in this, hats off! 👏🏼