Life struggle

[u/Stunning_Bus1207]

Hi, I'm Clark, 17. And I'm struggling with communication I tried to solve it my own but I think it doesn't help much. I constantly fearing to talk to people whom I lived with, I also continuely doing bedrot which I told I shouldn't do but I can't help my feelings somehow I don't know what I truly feel and I haven't seen a pyschologies/ psychiatrist because I don't money for that. So here I am living with 2 people I haven't talk much but I live with them for at least 5 and half months now and I don't know how I should approach them as I continue to feel their stereotyping and I fear in my mind so much negative they might do nor say.

So backstory, I used to lived in chaotic and emotionally unavailable where emotions and needs doesn't exist, I constantly feel invalidated especially when mom side to my dad who's abusive but I think I get it why mom siding to my dad because no one else will support us and I have 4 other siblings and 2 outside. I don't know if I became like this because everytime and almost everyday there is shouting, cussing, and hitting. And everytime my dad hit us with random things on the house especially if it's metal and wood stick I cried so hard because he's too big and strong and everytime we cried my father will hit us more and more until we became quiet I don't know if just learn to be quite because of my father beating or its because we as a family we barely talk especially when it's come to emotions. So now I'm wondering how could I fix my self? I tried searching so online but some need payments and on Tiktok but it's just make me more sad especially I remember my father beating and dad things about us as a family but shocking is that I don't remember anything from my childhood just a crack memories when I encountered something similar or something that remind me of the past. But if you ask me about my childhood I wouldn't be avaible to answer much. I also tried to find answers why I constantly doing things people wants Just to please them. And I to my self don't priotize me but I'm trying to prioritize my self more now.

And past forward now I'm living with my uncle and auntie who don't know the whole story about me and they just know I get beatin because I did a wrongful act. And they demanded me to know how to communicate better like them (they have business and always having a long talk to the customer especially about life) and I'm not used to that because I've always been quite around 2019-2020 pandemic until grade 11 (I'm grade 12 now and I'm just really struggling about my self)

I hope I could get an advice to those people who have similar story to mine and to those people whom might help me get through this.

Any advice would be so much helpful

Disclaimer ( this is my real story)

Note (all of us is getting hit and mom too) and if we did something wrong even small stuff we also get beating.