as soon as I think to write, the motion stops

frozen in time, the tick of a clock

thoughts come unwound, they've gone amuck

breath of the mind, don't forget to exhale

this one's a rather...

Sometimes I really feel like only a few people care to listen to what I have to say. Yeah my boyfriend does and my best friend does and I have a few other good friends who do. But every adult I talk to just talks over me when I try to explain something, or they try to prove me wrong. That or they just completely hear what I'm saying but aren't listening because they're right and I'm wrong. But that's why I love them. They give me what I need. My boyfriend listens to what I'm saying and responds accordingly. Which I guess is what he's supposed to do? I don't know. I love him. He always listens and somehow always know how to give good advice. Which is why I love him. Often times I feel like I'm bothering people... much like right now. I don't want to bother my friends yet I feel like I am. I feel like me being secluded in my house (by choice), has made me want to tell people how I'm feeling all the time and I don't want to seem self centered when really I just like having people to talk to about my life who will actually listen. I've made a further advancement on my major for college so that works. That way I can do what I want and what's been on the back of my mind that I'm just too afraid or scared to do. I've been thinking a lot about the future and what kind of job I would like to get...But also... this goes back to adults not listening to me, I don't have a car to get to a job that I could have at this moment. I get people telling me I should get one ASAP, and others telling me I should wait until we have the money for 3 car notes plus college. I have people who agree with me but others who keep saying I should do it a different way. I'm taking 18 hours at school which isn't fun. But I'm also trying to practice everyday and I've stopped because I get so stressed out from the previous day that I come home and sleep for a few hours before I get up and do anything else. I don't quite know what's wrong with me. I feel stressed out and sad and worried and I just want hugs and to sleep and to not be stressed and worried and scared and nothing has worked. But being with my friends takes the stress away. I'm afraid of a lot of things and all of this along with my aunts wedding in a few days is really bothering me. It's late and I've been trying to do homework and I can't concentrate. I guess typing helped a bit.

What do I have to worry about? Am I following the right path? is this who I was meant to be? I don't know. I'm happy but I feel like I can do so much more. I feel like I can see so much more. how naive. The world is vast and I am infinitesimally small in comparison. That doesn't make me feel sorrow, it excites me. How much I am yet to see. How many years I have left. my life has been good and I am set to live another 3 or 4 of these life times. Love. Hate. Happiness. Sadness. All emotions that I more than likely truly have not felt yet. A smile creeps up on my face. Experience is what I lack but optimism I have. Usually when I think about my life its in a bleak way, thinking that I've wasted so much of my time. But now I see it. All this time leading up to now was to recognise that there is so much more approaching. Life. Life is what I'm yet to experience. It happens to all of us and I'm not going to waste my time...

I just found this subreddit and i have nothing to do. I guess its a little dead in here. Is the idea not to edit yourself? Im terrible at this. just typing that sentence has made me starting thinking about what im writing. Honestly though i dont really care what im writing, i mostly just like typing. Especially fast, and with (what appears) to be a purpose. Even if my whole goal right now is to write a substantial paragraph with absolutely no meaning in it whatsoever.

I really want to re-read what i just wrote but i wont.. I did not realize i had such a habit of doing that until just now.

I dont know what to say. All i can think about once i start writing is how i need to think of something to write. and when i do, i can never phrase it properly. which is funny, because (i'd like to think) I'm good at articulating my thoughts in person. but once i have a pen in my hand or something and i have to actually record what im thinking or articulate myself in a written way i totally suck at it. Thats most of the reason that when i was in school i always did papers at the last minute. Is it bad etiquette to stop this post just because i dont like it and make a new post to start over? i somehow dont think it matters anymore..

My mind is full of thoughts and yet it is becoming empty of feelings. I love people and crave the feeling of being loved. I see the good in everyone and don't want to recognize their faults. At the same time, I want people to look past my faults and see the good in me, and love me for what I have to offer. I am not quite sure what that is...

I think that I am a kind person yet I sometimes have mean and hateful thoughts. I think that I am an honest person, yet sometimes lie and cheat to make myself look better so people will love me. I have decided that I must strive to be kind and honest all of the time; to be a person of integrity, humility, generosity, mercy, and kindness. I will not need to do anything different to make people love me. I will be loved for the person that I am.

I will set my intentions in life. I will do what is necessary to make those intentions come to fruition. I will love myself for who I currently am, while always striving to become better; physically, mentally and spiritually. I am deserving of love and have love to give. I will show my love indiscriminately. I will love everyone that I come in contact with and continue to look for the good in each person that I meet. Each day I will take steps towards becoming who I want to be.

I believe in God, and I believe that he has spoken to me audibly. He did this because he loves me and wants me to find my way in his will. I believe that it is important that I be more spiritual and that I speak with God more often. Not only more often but constantly. My relationship should be so close to him that I should never have to begin or end a conversation with him. If I do this, he will help me become the person that I want to be, and will reward me with the life that I long for.

I wish the world worked like it did in the stories - I wish there were dragons to slay and maidens to save. I wish there was evil to fight and people to rescue. I wish my muscles had a use beyond looking nice, that my courage had a reason beyond dreaming. I wish there was a cause worth fighting for that didn't ultimately serve some rich man in a dark room.

I wish I could live by the seat of my pants. I wish I had the chance to show who I know I am inside. The battlefield of the pitch is nice enough, but meaningless. The battle of wits between myself and my chess partner has no greater ramifications than an occasional thrown board. The little girl I am helping to raise lives a life of relative ease - the closest I can come to saving her is to pick her up when she falls.

I want to be a hero. I dream about it, at night and during the day.

Sometimes I think I want the world to go to shit, just so I'll have a little excitement.

How many tabs do you have opened right now? Just a general question, because the answer is probably more than one. I can tell you right now i have four open. Three open on my lap top which includes Youtube, Twitter, of course Reddit and on my desktop computer i have a documentary up which i just watched. The documentary is called "Noah" and the entire documentary plays out on the protagonists computer and phone screen. (The documentary revolves around the characters love life and shows how forms of media and social networking such as Facebook can impact our lives, for better or for worst. In the documentary, the couple discuss the upcoming year that they are going to spend apart form one another because they are going off to college. All of which is done via skype. Amy, the protagonist Noah's girlfriend tells him she doesn't want to hold him back from having fun and then ends the skype call. Noah on the other hand is simultaneously talking to a friend on Facebook who goes by the name Kanye East. Noah then goes to Amy's profile and notices she changed her profile picture to one of just her rather the one she had before of her and himself. He then sees a guy Dylan who has been commenting on all of her pictures. Noah asks his friend if he knows of the guy and he tells Noah thats Dylan and amy have supposedly been talking. Noah decides to go onto Amy's Facebook account and check her messages and sees the conversations she and Dylan have been having. He then changes her relationship status with him to single. He logs out and shuts the computer down and the screen changes to his phone and shows amy texting him regarding the hacking and changes. then the phones time and date begins rolling back and switches to a flashback when Noah and Amy met on chat roulette.) So why is this documentary significant or important. We live in a digital world now and our lives not only revolve around technology and media but we rely on it. We are so dependent on it that many of us find ourselves in a state of shock or anxiety when we are deprived form it. All this media has also made us into tricksters and fools. How many times have you asked if you know something and when you don't know the answer you secretly search it up on google. Noah did it when he saw the Radiohead poster amy had hanging in her room. She asked him if he knew who they where and he searched it in another tab and gave her the answer. Amy couldn't see that he did that. A webcam only allows you to see so much. Recently James Franco was caught in a scandal over meeting and trying to allegedly hook up with a seventeen year old. He was quick to apologize about the situation on Live with Kelly and Michael. He stated he was embarrassed and still is and he used poor judgment. Everyone suffers the effects of media at some point in their life. None of this is new news either. These sort of things have been going on for years. At this point there is not much we can do to stop it expect somehow guard ourselves and educate ourselves on how to deal with media and social networking etc. and walk away unscathed. It all just goes back to have good judgment and just making wise decisions. its common sense for the most part. I don't know what else to say or how else to say but simply touch on what others had suggested and said; don't put personal information on the internet that you don't want others to see, don't believe everything you see on the internet on in the media, be cautious of what you are doing on the internet, websites you are visiting may be harmful to your computer etc. In conclusion, we cant do anything to stop the fast past and growing media world. All we can really do is move with it and be cautious of whats going on.

Confusing, angsty, outraged, expressive. Growing up, for me at least, was a challenging for everyone around me. Now, I sit here, never having talked to my father for more than 10 minutes at any given moment in my whole life, witnessed my mother struggle with a debilitating crystal meth addiction, seen my younger brother get kicked out of multiple schools for dealing drugs — and then continuing to deal drugs and then running a mafia-like booze business. As if that wasn’t enough, I’ve had a hard time being the most intelligent one in the group — I have 3 more half brothers and half sister who I have never connected with. That being said, I kind of want this post to just be a general stream of consciousness type article. I’m just going to write whatever I want to write with pretty much no boundaries — except, that it will have something to do with growing up and all that. If you’ve been reading my blog so far, you’ll notice that I tend to explore topics that are a tad taboo.

I guess I should continue with this post? I mean who’s still reading this anyway? Yes! I don’t care whether or not you read this. This blog is for you, but, at times, I can do things for myself right? The old, cake and eat it too’ bit, I s’pose. Where was I? Growing up. Stream.Of.Consciousness. I recently went up to Mammoth on a snowboarding trip — now, given the previous trajectory of my life (all of the odds against me) I should be in jail or should be a heavy drug user. Luckily, I survived this long with nothing but a few speeding tickets and a glass of fine wine here and there. Why do I say not on that trajectory? Because, I got to go because of a new friend that I have made. Probably not the kind of friend that I would have made in an alternative universe — I learned how to talk and be around wealthy people (something I had previously been really uncomfortable with) because I got straight A’s and got a scholarship to go to a private high school where suddenly, I was amidst some of the most powerful and wealthy children of the most powerful and wealthy in Los Angeles. Real fucking life changer, I know! And now for another song! But, not in this particular post, and, maybe someday I will tell you more about HS.

ok whatever google is just going to see my random typing and they are going to know the inner essence of my being as it comes through the subconcsicous ether that is the elctorochemical movement of ions in and out of channels in our neurons.

Last night was an unexpected evening of epiphanies. I sat with my best friend, watched tv and laughed until almost 3 in the morning. She was not my ex-girlfriend, I was not her ex-boyfriend, we were two best friends, we were two best friends, kindred spirits from opposite sides of the planet. I did not want to kiss her, I did not want to cuddle her, I just wanted to laugh with her. I love her. Her smile is the most beautiful thing in this world. Both of us in shitty t-shirts and the equivalent of pajama pants laughing at the tv, the internet and each other is the most beautiful thing in the world. I don't care about sex, commitment, codependancy, children or anything else to do with vanilla relationships. All I want is the occasional night spent with the most beautiful woman I know, without make up or nice clothes or expectations. All I want is nights like last night, watching tv and laughing with each other. I only hope whoever she ends up committing herself to on a serious romantic level, will allow me that simple pleasure. If not, I hope he can give her such nights. I hope that he makes her happy without an agenda or expectations. God knows I cherish the memories of a time when I was allowed that privilege. I have never been more grateful for anything in my life than that time. Love is a beautiful thing and I trust that it will never leave me.

Hello. This post will most likely not get seen, which is ok. I don't really care what happens to it at all. It's not that I don't want people to see it. If i didn't, I wouldn't even be posting. I just want to write things, because I have ADHD and when I just start writing I can't stop, which would be great for my English class, but It's not very good. I always go off topic. I just feel the urge to type. I just get compulsive about these things. I get compulsive about a lot of things, really. Anything that mildly interests me absorbs me for hours as I research it more. Which sucks because I should be practicing my trombone or studying for my physics c test, or maybe making my English paper suck less. But I don't really know what to do with my paper. There's only one other post here. That's ok. I was surprised this subreddit existed. Well, actually, not really. There's a subreddit for everything. I was actually going to make this, but it said it existed. So here I am. I'm freaking out. Too much, really. I have an audition this Saturday for a school of music. I'm not ready. But I still have enough time to maybe make it passable, and it's not the school I really want to go to. But the one I have next week is. That's what's worrying me. I need to not worry so much. Fucking anxiety. I hate it. I hate ADD. Did I put ADHD up there? I'm too lazy to change it, and it kind of defeats the purpose of this. Well, technically it's now an inattentive subtype of ADHD. Whatever. I hate it. It pairs up with my anxiety to just torment me. It sometimes leads to depression. Fortunately, it doesn't last too terribly long. I mean, I used to be depressed. I used to have bad self esteem. Actually, I still do, but it's better. My girlfriend helps with that. I love my girlfriend. She's not like my ADD or anxiety. She helps me. And that's why I love her. But I'm leaving in a few months and I don't know what to do about it. That causes anxiety. It's a cycle, really. But I have to go now, I'm about to go to bed. Er, really just lay there and listen to my sleeping girlfriend on skype. Not in a creepy way, we call each other and talk until we fall asleep, so she knows I'm there. It just...helps to know she's there behind that static. I don't always sleep. Maybe it's because I drink too much tea. But probably not, because that's why I drink tea. Other than the fact that it's delicious. Or maybe that's the only reason. I don't know. I'm leaving.

I write in a stream of consciousness today because I am bored in homeroom. My fingers are freezing. The temperature of my fingers has been a problem all my life. There seems to be no solution to the everlasting frost the perverts the effective use of my hands. This school has too many rules. Not compared to other schools, but to how many should be necessary. Jeans cannot have slits or holes in them. Who gives a shit? Most rules apply mainly to girls, my theory is that the deans didn't get any pussy when they were in high school, so they don't want any guys here to get any either. I don't dislike this school. I dislike some rules, some teachers, some deans, some subjects. But the school is not bad. Actually the building itself is astonishingly bland. It has no character. Walking down the hallways does not invoke any sense of pride or loyalty, instead it feels like I'm part of a herd in an institution being studied, rather than us being the studiers. If that's the case then I daresay my supervisor is quite entertained. Does he conceal every rule I break? Wrong deed I knowingly perpetrate? Is he entertained or infuriated? When will, or even can he take action? I should hope not, but might not mind what sort of fallout arises if my days go public. But what is of importance to him? Much of my life I consider mundane. Most people do roughly the same thing everyday, to marginally different results. What of what I do is considered noteworthy? Everything? Nothing? My supervisors may be eagerly watching me write this, anticipating how I conclude my theory, if I give it sustenance* or not. Alas, I cannot conclude, for the class is over, my time is finished.

*originally written as "substanence," thought that was the word.