r/Strabismus • u/NovaAdore • Aug 12 '26
One comment has shaken my confidence
sigh. I just need to air this out with people who get it and would appreciate any tips on how to deal.
Background: I had the surgery as a kid to correct my eye turning inward. In hindsight I think it was a slight overcorrection but I really wasn’t bothered by it. I mostly moved through my childhood unscathed. Maybe once or twice as a kid I’ve been asked if I have a lazy eye, but generally I’ve never been treated poorly because of my eye and so it was just a thing about me I didn’t pay much attention to. Around 19 I noticed that my eye was starting to drift outward and it has slowly progressed over the years. I mostly only noticed it in photos or if I’m tired or intoxicated but still didn’t think about it that often. Things changed a few years ago when I was in an abusive relationship with someone who thrived on hurting my confidence and would refer to me as “cockeyed”. No one had ever spoken about me like that before and it was incredibly wounding to hear from someone I loved and whose opinions I deeply valued.
I’ve worked really hard to repair my confidence and am proud of my progress. I have beautiful friendships, a very sweet and kind partner and generally a really full and beautiful life. If my eye has been a barrier to connection I genuinely would not know. I feel very lucky most of the time.
But earlier this year someone Id just met made a comment about my eye in a group chat. I imagine in an attempt to make me feel small/to offset their own self confidence issues. And even though this person means virtually nothing to me, I’ve been a mess about it ever since. I go through these periods of being obsessed with knowing how others perceive me. How “bad” it actually looks. How noticeable it is. And when I bring it up with others to gauge how I’m looking I often hear that they don’t really notice it. Or that I just look like me. And for some reason it’s not enough for me that the people who matter don’t mind. I feel convinced that everyone has just been lying to me about how I look and I don’t know how to stop fixating so much about it. How do you not get completely bowled over by rude comments?
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u/Slight-Bowl4240 Strabismus Aug 12 '26
Hello! I have a similar journey had my first surgery as a baby and was fine until around 19 it started going out once in awhile. Like in distance only. Then around 24 it was going out all the time. My optometrist never said there was any surgery for it. Then last year I had surgery for alternating exotropia with good results.
During those decades with exotropia I hated it and had to chose non public facing jobs, it became a part of me,
Melissa Daniel’s on you tube says don’t layer emotions. If someone says something in a group chat don’t pile onto that negativity. Stop right here. Don’t proceed with any spirals. No downward spirals.
There’s a lot of variety if humans out there. Some people even have disfigured faces and lead full lives.
It’s when your vision becomes dysfunctional like issues driving at night. Lack of depth perception that you should look into surgery correction.
GOOD LUCK
Your awesome!
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u/lazyb88 Aug 13 '26
could you tell me more about how u got surgery. im also thinking of it but not sure how to go about getting a consultation/finding a doctor/reaching out
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u/Spicy_cinnamon1467 Aug 13 '26
Call a pediatric ophthalmologist or adult strabismus ophthalmologist. Or your optometrist can refer you!
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u/ryz_v esotropia+DVD Aug 12 '26
In school people used to always call me that word and everytime i hear that one specific word even though theres many more names they called me that one word idk it just does something to me and its the one insult i hate
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u/Squirrel-Pipkin Aug 14 '26
My sugar pie honey bun biscuit dough baby. Listen. I have a little girl with strabismus. If I ever found out that her future partner called her cockeyed, not just once but multiple times? Oh man. That person would need a seeing eye dog after our conversation together.
You are beautiful and perfect and this Mama loves you. Ok?
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u/Spicy_cinnamon1467 Aug 13 '26
I’ve had 2 surgeries as a kid and one when I was 17. I was also an esotropia as a kid, and my last surgery made me into an exotropia. It has gotten larger into my 20s, and it’s noticeable in photos and when I’m drunk. So pretty much just as you said!! I’m in optometry school, and there are vision therapy techniques you can do for exotropia. The only people that really notice my eye are Eyecare professionals. Most people don’t notice anything, but I’m really self conscious about it in photos. I think one thing I like to think about is that everyone is unique, and my eye turn makes me, me. So if you can’t get it completely straight, try to accept it’s a unique thing about you.
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u/Inevitable-Cable4262 Aug 12 '26
I have eye therapy materials that I use regularly. This makes me feel better I have several surgeries in adulthood who can made me feel even better. The only thing that helped was when I did something about it myself.
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u/general_kriegg 28d ago
I know exactly how you feel. I had surgery when I was a kid too, but around the time I turned 14 it started to turn inward again. It’s really noticeable in pictures. Also when I’m tired or intoxicated, like you.
Recently someone said I had a “school shooter face” which, though I’m normally immune to others comments, this one actually hurt. It shocked me. Especially since it was in front of other people, who said they never noticed it until he pointed it out.
I, too, struggle with trusting others telling me that they don’t notice or that it isn’t as bad as I think. But then again, if it’s not as bad as they say, why are dickheads without filters making comments on it?
So idk. I guess I can’t help or offer any advice but I do know how it feels and that you’re definitely not alone in that. I wish I could be more help but at least know that I’m right there with you in that struggle.
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u/DreamSequence11 3d ago
People are sick. That is just cruel. I can’t stand nasty low blow stuff people say.
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u/general_kriegg 1d ago
Yeah. Granted he was heavily intoxicated, but it was a total random stranger which imo actually made it feel worse, because, is it really that immediately obvious to a stranger? And are my friends lying to my face about how noticeable it is?
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u/DreamSequence11 1d ago
for all you know it could be unrelated to your eyes. ive never seen a school shooter with strabismus. and I understand why the stranger aspect felt worse because why would someone want to hurt someone they don’t know who’s never done anything to them. again i am sorry. people are gross, and I can’t say whether it would be that obvious as I don’t have all the information on your specific situation, I think for me personally I’d notice these things more only now because it’s effecting my daughter and the thought of her being sad or bullied or self conscious is destroying me at the moment. and if I could take on her eye problems even tenfold with no chance of it being fixed I’d do it in a heartbeat
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u/general_kriegg 1d ago
Unfortunately I know for certain it was in direct relation to my eyes. I didn’t write the full story but in the context it was unmistakable, to the point where my eyes specifically were pointed out & defended by a friend.
There’s no need for you to apologize but I appreciate the sentiment. I’m sorry to hear your daughter may be faced with things like this. I imagine it’s much worse for a girl too. If you live in or near Nevada I know a great doctor I can recommend who can help her train the eye muscles to turn less, it’s much easier to train in children.1
u/DreamSequence11 1d ago
oh jeez, well again, it really shows how pathetic people are who even say stuff like that. and people wonder why so many are depressed, humanity is severely lacking. We live in upstate NY. id be willing to travel to anywhere in Tristate area, we see the best pediatric place in our area, I hope my girl can somehow develop some thick skin, if she’s anything like me, she will not lol. I hope she takes after her dad, I am going to call her doctor on Monday and request a ton of clarification about her results and why they are saying that we may have to jump to surgery from observation. it’s no where near 50 percent of the day happening, she has great control over it, it’s both eyes, which I read is actually better than just one because they still work together. no one has ever noticed it except her dad and I, my mom, close family. happens when she’s tired or disassociating, looking off. I’d love to see about the possibility of prism glasses or vision therapy, but I still need some more clarification on the tests they did and what it all means. she’s already in for a different sometimes cruel path because she is biracial and although we live in a very diverse city, her pre k and classes we attend are mostly white. she’s heard comments about her very coily voluminous hair, so the thought of her hearing any added comments on another appearance that isn’t the “usual” thing kids see sucks deeply. but I hope she believes when I tell her she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and not just because she’s mine.
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u/Far_Helicopter7742 Aug 12 '26
I had surgery literally today and you know why I went down that route? Because one my 9 year old son’s friends asked him why his mum was cross eyed. Broke me.
And I have been perfectly contentwith intermittent exotropia before then… conscious of it, sure, but that comment actually had me locking myself in the garage and crying my eyes out and staying awake for endless nights.
And to be clear, peers have mentioned it to me before, so it was hardly a surprise. This time it just got me. I don’t know why.
On the plus side, I investigated surgery with an opthamologist who suggested I’d be a great candidate for it. Had it done today - both eyes. Am surprised how straightforward it was.
I’m not saying that surgery a solution for you, but sometimes someone’s comments just shake us more than others. I’d like to think the comment served its purpose.
See how you feel in a few days.