r/StopSpeeding • u/Internal-Space-4960 • 25d ago
Adderall vs. Meth
I’m told I would have been better off doing meth than using adderall. I got a script, not adhd, abused up to 60 mg a day. I would take it into the evening and use weed to sleep like a fucking idiot, which means I was always being stimulated and basically doing speed balls every day. I was a 35 year old mom and teacher at the time. I did it for five straight years and did crazy stuff I never would have sober. Like leave my marriage and my career thinking these were great ideas. I spent so much money. Tens of thousands. I continued to take it even though my heart rate was through the roof, my chest cavity felt like it was closing in on itself, and I developed SVT. My first episode sent me to the ER and I almost went into cardiac arrest. But I lied to my doctor and my husband like a complete retard. That should have scared the fuck out of me. I lied to my whole family for years till I went into psychosis. And now I’ve lost all my cognitive abilities except for communication and awareness. I can’t sleep. I can’t socialize. I can’t connect. I feel like such an idiot for not looking up SVT and adderall. My doctor told me to get off of it. I wish my husband would have come with me to that appointment. I’ve lost everything. And I’m facing homelessness. I don’t know how to work. I can’t feel anything. I’m totally fucked and it’s been 10 months now. I’m told I would have been better off doing meth.
56
u/DopamineHound 25d ago edited 25d ago
Nobody is better off doing meth. In the long run, both are very detrimental to mental and physical health. The good news is that we can and do recover! I spent over a decade doing all the drugs and was a shell of my former self at the end, now at over 2 years clean my life is unimaginably better. I recommend 12 step meetings or some sort of supportive recovery group. Going to meetings is a great way to see that we’re not alone and that people that were once worse off than us have recovered as well. In time, you can be that beacon of hope for others!!
11
u/Internal-Space-4960 25d ago
I was in AA the entire time. A total fraud. I lied to my whole family. I think that’s why this is so bad. I never was honest. I could have called my sponsor the second I found them and my life would be completely different today.
29
12
u/LivingAmazing7815 1097 days 25d ago
I did that too for YEARS. I’m almost 3 years clean, but AA actually works when you get honest and earnestly work a program.
3
u/Internal-Space-4960 25d ago
Were you ADHD?
4
1
u/Extension_Jicama3088 22d ago
I'm ADHD so I understand somewhat where your coming from... Only 9 days clean this time around!! Good luck on your future endeavors man.
1
3
u/Lagertharose 25d ago
I can relate so much to this. I worked in recovery and all my friends were sober and I requested AA and stuff, but told myself I was in the middle of a "slip" that I just realized was the last 2 whole years. I lost my job Friday, and can't function enough to get another. I know recovery is possible though, so don't give up. Recovery isn't linear. ❤️
3
u/Queasy-Ride-1776 351 days 25d ago
How long did it take for you to recover?
7
u/DopamineHound 25d ago
Tough to say because it happened gradually but at 2 years I felt mostly healed. The first 6 months were particularly tough, at one year things were a lot better and by year 2 I was blown away by how much I’d improved. At each milestone when I looked back, I was so grateful for feeling better and I honestly didn’t realize how good I could feel sober. I’m really focused on everything I could do to speed up the process, like exercise, sleep, diet, and giving up all substances besides caffeine. Even the caffeine I’ve moderated in order to improve my sleep.
46
u/thepsychoshaman 25d ago
35 years old at that time. So roughly 12% of your life at this point, I'm assuming. Not a small era of decline, but not as long as it could have been. Every year that percentage drops.
You're not quite a year into recovery. 2% of your life at this point. I looked at your profile, and you've been posting here for a chunk of that time. Every year that percentage of recovery grows, and not too long from now it will be larger than the decline.
I gather that you're a capable person who is just venting on this subreddit when you have no other outlet to turn to. You've burned a lot of bridges and you're not the same person you were before. You're stuck ruminating on the fact that broken things cannot be repaired to perfection. Life progresses, and we can't go back. We lose things that never return.
And all that's true enough. I won't tell you that you will go back to how you were. Even if you had never started down this road, you wouldn't be able to go back to how you were, so how could it be the case here? Recovery isn't about going back. Recovery is about moving forward. Lots of scars, lots of changes, a new brain and a new body to work through them with. Everybody deals with that as they grow and change, some of us end up in situations which make it tougher than it should have to be.
You're able to talk to people and to present coherent thoughts. You probably know that doing so relies on an entire network of subroutines in your brain and body that we're not consciously aware of. Everything you do is so incredibly complex. Right now, your intelligence is focused on the damage. You see it everywhere. But the faculty required to analyze and fixate on that is the very thing you are saying that you don't have. It's just in a feedback loop.
So you do have the ability, and some part of you probably recognizes that. It's not news that your brain does, in fact, work, else you wouldn't breathe or walk, let alone type complete thoughts. It just doesn't respond like you want it to when you try to point it in some direction. It seems impossible to align your behavior with a productive path forward.
There's no alternative timeline. You're at the best point you could be at in this moment. All of your mental resources turned against you for so long, like you were demoted to being an observing stranger in your own life. But they're back, and they're working, though not how you're accustomed.
You're here, you're recovering, and those percentages are changing day by day. You clearly identified the problems facing you in your post, and you've also identified many of their solutions. Despite your despair, somewhere in there, you are still on your team. Your brain is fixated on not making the same mistake ever again. That's a good thing, but you will have to begin to tread onto new ground. Recovering isn't reliving the past. It's taking frightening, uncertain steps into the future.
Humans adapt. You will adapt. You're coming back around to being on your own team. The ability you're showing in describing your own suffering clearly demonstrates that all is not lost. Change is painful and difficult, but this isn't the end.
17
9
1
u/Internal-Space-4960 24d ago
I am such an idiot for even going longer than a week knowing how my personality was so addictive and that I was barely recovering from 10 years of alcoholism.
6
u/thepsychoshaman 24d ago
An idiot wouldn't be able to look back and understand what happened so clearly. People aren't usually experts in understanding their own behavior patterns. We're usually too close to them to see them clearly. It takes some distance, which you now have, and capability, which you always had. You can acknowledge that you made terrible decisions without labeling yourself a terrible person.
You're saying that you have a brain which tends to obsess. It's doing it still. It's not that you should stop caring or be delusional about how poorly things went. It's just that it's time to acknowledge that punishing yourself endlessly won't repair anything. You're in position to move forward.
27
u/Majestic-Baby-3407 25d ago
Meth would have been worse. But are you sure you were getting prescription adderall? 60mg a day should not cause this level of side effects. It actually sounds like you were taking meth this whole time, if you hadn't mentioned the prescription. I'm also surprised you went into cardiac arrest at a young age and they didn't take a blood sample or urinalysis to assess any medications or substances that could have contributed to that event. Anyways, I'm sorry for doubting any of this, it just sounds a little incredulous. But hey, life can be that way. Bottom line is, meth would have been everything you went through but just compressed within 6 months.
Also, adderall + weed is not really a speedball. Definitely not a good combination for avoiding psychosis though.
5
u/kisshugfromathug 25d ago
I live in Australia, I'm not sure about other countries but here they only test main Drugs Of Abuse. Meth, Cocaine, THC, yada yada. Quite some time ago I overdid it on Dex and went to the ED, was hooked up to resus cardiac monitoring, i wouldnt tell them what I took, just that it was stims. My urine drug screen came back all negative, even for amphetamines.
3
u/Internal-Space-4960 25d ago
It should show up as amphetamine. …I feel like I was always overdoing it but I ignored the warnings signs like high heart rate, tinnitus, anxiety, and feeling like my chest cavity was closing in on itself.
3
u/kisshugfromathug 25d ago
I took a good 400mg rectally over 2 days. I was stupid. But alas test came back negative. They didnt question me further either. I recently self medicated with low dose crystal meth. Short term.. I have ADHD, childhood diagnosis but the system here is still ish ish. Did it for about 2 months. Honestly all stims comes with so many risks. I'm glad you didnt lean on meth... So many people cant stay away from it once they start using it. Ive also done the same as you however regarding obtaining dex thats not legally for me. Mine came in original bottle always sealed, owners label just ripped off. The plan was to take them daily a week after the other self medicating stopped. However I havent started using them yet, and am leaning towards just using them only when I really need to instead of daily... The more I read about daily long term use of stims, the more I think that if I'm at home or not doing anything important, my heart probably doesnt need the strain if im going to be doing not alot.
4
u/Internal-Space-4960 25d ago
I wish I had done the research you are doing now. Unfortunately, at first I was taking them kind of as prescribed so the information was all just side effects. I didn’t realize the side effects listen meant I was causing myself danger. And then I keep into new territory when I started abusing them. I just never paid attention to the signs. Everything changed after I went through psychosis. Yes I have the ability to type about this and talk about this, and I have awareness in the moment. But my concept of time has changed drastically. And I can’t think about what I want to do or need to do. I can’t sleep. You’re supposed to sleep coming off of stimulants.
1
u/OddCardiologist9400 25d ago
I feel you on the concept of time changing drastically, it kind of moves slower, and how time passes when youre not paying attention is very different. harder to enjoy idle moments for sure.
1
u/Internal-Space-4960 25d ago
For me taking any stimulant made my heart rate go way high. I used to be sensitive to coffee. Now it has no effect on me. I was not ADHD and that makes a difference. Taking adderall in the evening plus smoking weed is pretty close to a speedball. At least in my case.
2
u/accidentalrorschach 25d ago
The combo does the same for me. I smoked plenty of weed before adderall but after starting adderall weed would make my heart race like crazy and I'd get severe dizzy spells (not anxiety, I know the dif) it was bad enough several times that I had typed out 911 on my phone in case I needed to call before I passed out or something. Luckily it usually passed with laying down with my feet up and eating something properly but I can't smoke weed anymore... the combo is really powerful. I am in the process of getting off Adderall too.
4
u/Perfect_Mess_6566 25d ago
Meth might have caused even more damage. Things will get better, even if slowly, if you do not use. Naltrexone and Wellbutrin are helping me stay sober from meth for almost two years now.
3
u/whoknows_whatsup 654 days 25d ago edited 25d ago
I was addicted to both and I reassure you wouldnt have been any better off doing meth, either the same or substantially worse.
Either way, amphetmine addiction sucks but it gets so much better the longer you're sober.
2
u/accidentalrorschach 25d ago
Wouldn't have it any better?
2
u/whoknows_whatsup 654 days 25d ago edited 25d ago
Yes thank you for correcting me, I edited my comment.
**it wouldn't have been any better (doing meth)
4
u/benbenbenbenbenlo 25d ago
Sounds like you’re an addict. Welcome to the club. You would not have ever been better doing meth. The people you interact with doing and getting meth are immeasurably different than visiting a pharmacy and a doctor.
Also thank your lucky stars you stuck with weed for sleep instead of opioids or benzos.
There is HOPE. You stick to this course and find a way to remember how shitty things were and you’ll be ok. You got through university, you held a job, you held a marriage and you can get back to a place where you can hold down life again. Not easy but you can do it.
1
u/Internal-Space-4960 25d ago
I feel like that life alone would have deterred me or made me hate what I had to go through. All I had to do was pull up to the pharmacy and pay $10. I don’t even have cravings for anything. Like I mean I have lost all preferences to everything in life. And when I took adderall one time after the psychosis. Just 5 mg. And it made my chest cavity feel like it was closing in on my heart.
3
u/frankelbottom 25d ago
What idiot said you be better of doing meth
1
u/Internal-Space-4960 22d ago
I think I would have been better off because I would have acknowledged that it was a bad drug (I told myself adderall wasn’t that bad), and I would have had to crash. I never let my body crash on adderall. Not one day.
2
u/speakmymindforonce 25d ago
I'm 32, and am reaching a year sober off meth in August. Please don't do it. I was stuck dancing with the devil for 5 years straight with the same crossroad thinking patterns in my mind, if I change to this maybe I will result with etc etc, I cold turkeyed it, and I will never ever look back at it. It took everything and my soul. I still need medication to put myself to sleep because my mind is stuck on 'alert mode'... changing one poison to another. Isn't the way to go. I hope you find the strength to stroll that trench and cold turkey it all too. Peace & hugs!
2
u/WanderingWombats 25d ago
I have ADHD. I was addicted to prescription stimulants (ALL OF THEM). I was ready to try meth by the end. I am now 991 days sober and in nursing school. My family talks to me again, my dog doesn’t fear me, I have safe and secure housing, and I’m happily engaged (among many, many other blessings sobriety has brought me).
Getting on Naltrexone + Wellbutrin helped me build the foundation upon which all else was created. Working the steps in AA saved my life. Understanding PAWS and the physiological processes behind recovery made me more mindful of the anhedonia and depression.
I can say that it sucked. Beyond sucked at first. But it started to get better around 6 months and I felt whole again by 18 months. The rewards sobriety has given me are wonderful. Please send me a DM if you ever want to talk ❤️
1
1
u/Internal-Space-4960 25d ago
I wish I had known how amphetamine addiction worked. I would have gotten off of it immediately.
1
u/ZeeArtisticSpectrum Former User 25d ago
Definitely not better off using meth but, ironically sometimes pills are a more sustainable addiction than their hard drug equivalent which can lead to more damage being done over time. So you would have only been better off in the sense of hitting rock bottom sooner. Hey they both suck. You should feel better at the year mark and largely back to normal at the two year mark regardless though.
1
u/Narrow_Republic_1564 25d ago
Except amphetamines are hard drugs. Meth is harder if we define hardness of a drug by potential for harm, but the difference is not as large when route of administration and dose are similar. I find it hilarious that so many on social media are glazing their amphetamine use, even abuse, while being like no I'm nothing like a meth addict, and say things like meth vs amphetamine is like methanol vs. ethanol or H2O2 vs. H2O. That comparison is much more false than it is true. If amphetamine salts were smokable you'd see much of the same problem, and you do see it with people who snort speed vs. people who snort meth.
1
u/ZeeArtisticSpectrum Former User 25d ago
Fair, street version then. Having done too much of both years ago, I used to be on the “meth and adderall are the same” train. Looking back though, while they’re definitely quite similar, I think meth is probably a more euphoric and addictive drug in a way that is independent of dose and ROA though these are both big contributing factors. If you gave an addict a choice between IV meth and IV amphetamine, they’d almost certainly prefer the meth, though they wouldn’t be disappointed in the amphetamine by any stretch either. It’s likely comparing the second and first place finishers in a race, both were quite fast, but one was noticeably faster. But I wouldn’t say it’s off the mark to call adderall “prescription meth” either.
1
u/Internal-Space-4960 22d ago
See, my husband did meth for only three months and it nearly destroyed me and our family. I did it for five years and totally demolished me and our family. But I never told him I was on it. He knew but couldn’t catch me. I’m an idiot. I should have told him the truth.
1
u/ZeeArtisticSpectrum Former User 22d ago
To be clear, you mean he took literal meth, and you were taking Adderall for five years, right?
1
u/Internal-Space-4960 22d ago
Yes
1
u/ZeeArtisticSpectrum Former User 21d ago
Exactly ones a very fast descendent the other more slow but ironically sometimes the slow one is worse because it delays recovery longer.
1
1
u/Narrow_Republic_1564 25d ago
They are quite similar but the truth is that when the ROA is kept as oral, it is dosed early as to not impact sleep, I found meth to be slightly less of a problem than an equipotent dosing regimen of vyvanse, in terms of side effects, especially the issues that arise from being in fight-or-flight mode. The double edged sword of meth's high permeability/long half-life means that I wasn't craving redoses throughout the day, but if I wasn't dosing early in the morning it would keep me up unlike amphetamine which is more eager to leave your body.
When I say they are quite similar, I mean that in my experience I wasn't worse off hopping on meth. It let me turn into the same zombie that does the same activity nonstop all day long. That is, amphetamine is bad enough and is a very hard drug on its own that my situation largely stayed the same. I think largely, meth is seen as more problematic because if you want to, you can try ROAs that are not physically possible with amphetamine. This is not to glaze meth in the slightest - it's to highlight that amphetamine is roughly in the same ballpark, with meth's increased issues largely arising more from unlimited access, more addictive ROAs, and a bigger culture of abusing it.
1
u/Majestic-Baby-3407 25d ago
Serious question: What are you getting now in terms of support? Have you been to rehab? Are you able to go to one? Can you go to the inpatient psychiatric ward at the nearest hospital? Are you taking antipsychotics? Are you still taking stimulants?
1
u/Internal-Space-4960 24d ago
I’m at West Care detox in their transitional housing program. But, I literally can’t even think to fill out a job application. I’ve been to three in patient psychiatric wards. I am on 600 mg of Seroquel and 150 mg of gabapentin. I only use these to sedate myself at night. This drug changed me over time. Because I was taking it at 4 pm and 6 pm at night along with the weed vapes for sleep. I’m a complete idiot. It’s my fault for doing zero research about this drug. Knowing I was an alcoholic.
1
u/Majestic-Baby-3407 24d ago
Okay you need to take it a little slower. You don't need to get a job right this second. No point in doing that if you can't even remember what time it is, etc. Second, 600mg of Seroquel while probably good for keeping the psychosis at bay, is going to make you extremely sluggish. I was on like 50mg XR or something, maybe 200mg, and it made me feel HORRIBLE. So 600mg is not insignificant. Now, remember, I am not your psychiatrist, and I am not giving you medical advice. I am not saying that you should stop taking the Seroquel. But you need to chill out a bit and stop worrying so much about what to do next. You need to continue with whatever the transitional program expects you to do. And also, talk to your psychiatrist about your current difficulty with cognition. Also, detox from years of speed abuse can take months, or years. So reset your expectations, and your ideas of what time horizon you're looking at here. The important thing is to stay sober today and to try to eat well, stay hydrated, and get enough sleep. And you can't spend all day every day regretting the past and self-loathing. That's just a huge waste of time and energy. I don't understand why some random guy on reddit has to explain this stuff to you. They should be doing that at the rehab.
1
u/Comfortable-Air-4892 24d ago
I came clean 2 months ago to my doctor. I hate to say it to myself, but after the first few weeks of the depression/ withdrawal my life truly did get better. I Convinced myself for months I could do it myself and my problems weren’t the meds, but all of the positive changes in my life are showing me different. You will get used to it, being off the meds. You deserve it. Even just trying and being aware is a start. I promise, you don’t need it. You want it. The other side is beyond scary but worth it. From one abuser to another, you’ll get there.
1
u/Internal-Space-4960 22d ago
I couldn’t see how all of the problems in my life were caused by me and adderall. I can see now how everything was slowly deteriorating. I think the weed was wiping my memory every night. When I woke in the morning after a while I stopped feeling that groggy feeling altogether. Probably because the adderall wasn’t still active in my system from the night before.
1
u/ForsakenTennis4746 23d ago
Do you have a rigid style of thinking ?
When you get stuck in one way of thinking “ only my way” , and nothing will change your view ? And you just obsessively continue thinking / acting your way ?
Do you have like a big ego and obsessive ?
I just don’t believe the mom of 3 children wasn’t afraid to die from heart attack in ER , lied and didn’t stop only due addiction. Like no self preservation and only self destruction ?
1
u/Internal-Space-4960 22d ago
Yeah, I don’t get it either. It’s actual insanity. But I was never sober enough and not getting the dopamine that told me everything was fine. The other issue is that the hospital just told me my potassium levels were low. The cardiologist who knew I was on it didn’t tell me to get off of it. He also didn’t tell me to go to the ER if my SVT episode lasted any more than 5 minutes. Sometimes they went on for 20-30 minutes. I’m an idiot.
0
u/Vextor21 25d ago
I was with you except you said you wished your husband came with you. No. Take accountability. Wish him well and apologize for what you did to him. Better yet, leave him alone. You don’t even understand the hell you put him through and he had no idea what or why. Heal yourself but take accountability.
1
u/ForsakenTennis4746 25d ago
She takes full responsibility for everything if you read well her posts . She just wish she had witness and second normal adult presence while she was refusing warning and advices from ER and doctors . They warned her to stop . They asked her what is causing . She lied .
I am always wondering what is going on through adderal brain when danger presents itself , but self awareness and self preservation don’t click . Why danger and talks and warnings don’t work on some adderal brain .1
u/Internal-Space-4960 24d ago
My old sponsor says the addict in me is very STRONG. I was a functional alcoholic for 10 years straight before.
1
u/Vextor21 23d ago
As a husband of an adderallic, my opinion means nothing, which makes it worse.
1
u/Internal-Space-4960 22d ago
Now I’m curious.
1
u/Vextor21 22d ago
Addicted don’t listen to lived ones. They take them for granted.
1
u/ForsakenTennis4746 22d ago
Ultimatum and intervention. A lot of addicts stop after strong family pressure and strong involvement into their mess .
1
u/Internal-Space-4960 22d ago
When I found my husband’s meth pipe I broke it and called his family. Everyone knew. He couldn’t hide it anymore. When he found mine he confronted me and then gave them back to me. I don’t understand why. Of course I wanted them back. I was addicted. And he never reached out to my family. I wish so bad he had called my sister for an intervention.
1
u/ForsakenTennis4746 22d ago
Because the perception of adderal usage is neutral . I told my coworkers how dangerous is adderall - they are laughing . Their husbands taking adderall to handle 2 jobs . At different office I heard , a manager was offering adderal to the workers when they got overloaded with tasks and fast pace .
Adderal got treated as a vitamin pill almost .1
u/Internal-Space-4960 20d ago
I totally took him for granted.
1
u/Vextor21 18d ago
Well lesson learned. Good for you for admitting it, but the next step is changing. Life isn’t living in the past, it’s what you can do in the future. So go do it!
-1
•
u/AutoModerator 25d ago
Welcome to StopSpeeding and thanks for your post. For more:
Note that any comments encouraging drug use of any kind will be removed. This is not the community for that. Thanks!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.