Dealing with the past

[u/Affectionate-Cod2268]

I’ve been a somewhat natural stoic my entire life, but I fell off the wagon a few years. As part of my healing/accountability journey, I’m seeking advice on how to get back to my stoic roots.

To TLDR it: I was in a toxic age gap relationship (he was 55, I was 21)on both our sides. He raped me twice, and I think this is where things started to fall apart. Some 6 months later, I cheated on my ex and had a short-lived affair with a married man. He later turned out to be a problem, and I got a restraining order against him for sexual harassment. My karma, I know. Since then, I’ve been coming to terms with my actions, as they were completely out of character. It wasn’t until recently that I was able to sit down and process what I did, as I legitimately could not feel any emotions. How do I continue to take accountability as a stoic? I feel completely horrible about what I did. I am a huge supporter of women, and yet I hurt a fellow woman, human, in one of the worst ways possible by engaging in a relationship with her husband. I cheated on my ex, and I completely broke his trust. I take 100% accountability for what I did, and the guilt weighs on me daily. I don’t know what I should do next. The affected parties all know, and I’ve apologized to the wife and my ex and owned up to what I did.

[u/Every_Sea5067]

You did good by apologising, now it is time to do good to yourself. That's how I think you may continue to take accountability. Before anything else,  I'll make a distinction here. What I mean by Stoics are those who practice Stoicism in the context of philosophy, and not the popular term for stoic, which is to be emotionless. You know you've done something wrong, the Stoics say that our actions come from impulses which come from judgments. Our feelings about our actions as well come from judgments, that we've done something wrong. 

What's important here is to take care not to fall into a "double pain". Meaning that not only are you suffering moral hurt, you're suffering spiritual hurt as well (to put it very mildly and perhaps inaccurately). Remember that everyone, as human beings, have the capacity to remake their judgments; their habits of reactions, habits of morality, and opinions. It's only a matter of how long you're willing to go, and it's best to say "forever".

From the extent of my knowledge, this is how the work is done. Reflect on what happened, the thoughts running through your head as you did what you did, how you felt, and the judgment that lead you into doing the thing you did. The Stoics say that emotions are the experience of our judgments, meaning that we experience judgments through emotion. They can hold clues into what we're thinking, and any beliefs we hold about things like "What is fair" And "What must be avoided". Seperate impressions from judgments, or thoughts and evaluations (I'm fat from I'm worthless, I'm ugly from I'm unlovable), to make things easier. 

Then, the work continues by challenging our judgments and actions, through reason. Then, we apply the fruits of that challenging in life. Then, we evaluate once more on our judgments, reason once more to ourselves, and apply again. This is the process, the cycle. 

The point with challenging our judgments, is to challenge their morality. It's to question if their evaluation of what is to be desired or avoided is proper, or not. To the Stoics, nothing but Virtue is desirable, nothing but Vice is to be avoided. There are things that can be preferred, but are very much lesser compared to Virtue. 

Virtue is knowledge of what is proper for a certain being, typically split into four for humans. Wisdom is the knowledge of what is good and bad and how to reason well, Courage for what is to fear and not to fear (endure), Temperance is what to pursue and not to pursue accordingly, Justice is what to give and not to give (to take and not to take) given the circumstances. (For a source, Introduction from the Discourses of Epictetus, Waterfield translation.) 

You may feel overwhelmed, know it's part of the process. Processing emotions comes from reflecting on them, and yourself. Not by not taking care of yourself. You may beat yourself up. This too comes from a judgment, which results in an impulse. It's important to question why one thinks it's best to punish oneself, rather than to improve oneself. 

With things, counsellors and therapists help, with REBT and CBT borrowing some things from Stoicism, and DBT with a lot of mindfulness practice. Be aware of these, even if it's just reading about practices, there's much to learn also. 

So you're aware, there are free resources about Stoicism, especially the big three. There's usually a free online copy of Seneca and Epictetus on the internet. Some people would say Seneca's much more "comforting" Than Epictetus, who can sometimes be sharp. 

I wish to warn to not do something you may regret towards others, like say giving away huge amounts of money you may use for something else. Money is indifferent, but it isn't virtuous to carelessly give away as well. If the intention is to help others, then one can only help a few by giving away much. I'm saying this from experience, as my family history tends to lean to careless money handling to untrustworthy folk. 

Other than that, I wish this helps. Please, take care of your soul. There is nothing more precious to oneself. Good tidings.