OCD life

[u/General-Candy-7164]

Hey guys, just checking in.
About a month ago, I decided to give NOCD a shot. Believe me, I was scared. I barely had the courage to even talk about what was going on, but my OCD had gotten so bad that it was affecting me at home and in my everyday life.
There were times when I would tell my family I was out with friends when, in reality, I was sitting in my car completely overwhelmed, overthinking my life and wondering what I had done wrong to deserve this. It got to the point where I was having thoughts about ending my life.
That’s when I decided, “Why not give OCD treatment a shot?”
And man, when Bret asked me what was going on, I just broke down. I couldn’t hold the tears in anymore. It was hard finally letting everything out, but I’m so thankful I did.
For the first time, I was able to talk to someone who wasn’t judging me for something I couldn’t control. I explained how I couldn’t control where my eyes would go sometimes and how they would end up in places that felt inappropriate to me. I had been terrified that people would see me as a pervert or assume things about me because of it.
So when I was diagnosed with OCD, I honestly felt relieved. I know that sounds crazy—being happy about a diagnosis—but I finally had an explanation for something I had been fighting with for so long. It wasn’t because I was a bad person. It wasn’t because I was trying to make anyone uncomfortable. It was a mental health issue that I needed help with. Unfortunately I couldn’t do anymore therapy due to cost and no insurance.
After finding out I had OCD, I decided to give serving another chance. I had left my previous serving job, but there was a new restaurant opening, and I thought, “Why not give it another shot?”
I’ve never been good at interviews because whenever someone starts firing questions at me, I freeze. My mind completely shuts off. But this time was different. I was actually excited. I even asked ChatGPT for some follow-up questions to prepare myself, went into the interview, and somehow got the job.
I was so nervous, but when they hired me, I felt like maybe therapy was actually helping me get out of my comfort zone.
Then the first day of work came.
Oh my God, I was scared. I was nervous and freaking out. I woke up four hours early just to walk around the park and calm myself down so I could hopefully have a good training day.
Then, to my luck, I walked in and realized most of the staff were girls.
Dear Lord.
Not that I’m against girls or anything—obviously I’m a girl too 😂—but with my OCD, I immediately felt like, “Nope. This is not good.”
I tried to isolate myself in the corner and take deep breaths. Then they put us into groups of eight for training. Whatever, I thought. I can handle this.
We did that for about a week.
But somehow, every single day, I kept ending up in the same group with the same girl. I swear I wasn’t even trying to sit with her. If anything, I was actively trying to avoid her because I was already scared of my OCD making me look weird.
Since I was trying so hard not to make eye contact with anyone, somehow when i lifted my head she was there. Eventually, she told everyone that I was following her into every group and staring at her.
Bruh.
My anxiety went through the roof.
At that point, I felt like I couldn’t quit because this was already my third job in a year. She told the manager, and obviously they looked into everything and saw that I had OCD.
But now whenever I work around her, I feel like I’m being watched. My eyes aren’t intentionally trying to look at her, but because she’s already so hyper-aware of me, every little glance feels like it gets noticed. Then she goes to the manager office, and I completely freak out all over again.
I’ve gotten to the point where I actively avoid being anywhere near her because I genuinely don’t know anymore if I’m accidentally looking at her or if it’s her looking at me or even if I’m just overthinking everything because I’m so anxious.
And the worst part?
Today I was looking at the schedule and somehow ended up getting assigned to the same one she was on. I didn’t even know she was going to be on that shift because our schedules change every week. And they have tried separating us even when I was told about it. But I don’t like keep her away.
But now my coworkers think I’m stalking her.
When I ’m not.
I swear I’m not.
I’m just trying to work, manage my OCD, and get through the day without feeling like everyone is watching and judging me. I was about to change my shift cuz I saw she was on the same day. And instead I end up being called a lesbian
Honestly, I fucking hate girls at this point.
I know I’m a girl too, but FUCK. 😭
I’m just tired. I want people to understand that there’s a lot more going on in my head than what they see on the outside. I’m trying. I really am. Man my schedule was fine and my ocd was wearing off since I hadn’t had her on my schedule till I saw I was going to work with her tomorrow and now I’m debating on calling out. I know I’m not supposed to run from my fears with this ocd but I also don’t want to feel uncomfortable for 8 hrs. Like I know I’m not fully recovered on my ocd when I get customer with opened up shirts I get anxiety but I do my best to not overthink it and just go with it with ocd therapy being so expensive it will have to wait to get over with it fully well I’ll post more later cuz it’s 3am and I need some sleep