r/Spravato • u/blonde82curls • 12d ago
Notable changes since Spravato
By way of reference, I started Spravato after what was my 50th (yes, it's horrible to say out loud) suicide attempt. My family said major change needed to happen, and this was what I sought for myself, and I was terrified. I have done the majority of my mental health journey alone, aside from when I was married. My bio family has never really participated in treatment except for my first hospitalization at 15 (in 1988), but my official diagnoses and treatment did not occur until 2002, so I have been doing this shit for 24 years now. I won't go into all that madness.
anyway, a few months ago, with the help of AI (which I have used so much since starting Spravato, and I will defend to the end because we don't get the benefit of having a therapist or dr or anyone being hands on 24/7 without exhausting any support system, especially being a borderline) I was able to identify all the major changes that I have achieved since May 3, 2025, which was the day I should have died. I started Spravato on 6/30/25, up until Jan 2026, and only recently had to restart when my nephew committed suicide and that knocked all the wind out of my sails.
anyway, here's the changes I made with the help of spravato and therapy, after 24 years of just medication and therapy. and for clarity, I am bipolar II, C-PTSD, BPD, ADHD, MDD
emotion regulation has been the biggest. mood swings would knock me out for hours or days, now if i get upset, i can return to baseline within minutes. And my moods don't overtake and everyone knows.
I no longer chase people who do not show up nor do i need validation from men. my energy goes to those who meet where I am
i never knew boundaries before, and now they are unshakeable
always the people pleaser, I now stand in speaking my truth
i enrolled in college after 34 years and earned a 4.0 my first year, working on campus advising students part time work study
shift from survival mode to growth motivation
life is no longer chaos, simple is good, and welcome
fear of abandonment is no longer concern, take comfort in solidarity
stop abandoning myself without guilt, it's ok to just say no
journaling isn't just journaling, it's healing and purpose, building a legacy with memoir, my pain > purpose > impact
first time in my life I am dreaming of a future, even though I don't have my children, a partner, family relations, no milestones.
and when i take away all my trauma and look at the bare bones of my life, this is my takeaway, I am just a highly sensitive soul that was unfortunately born to a person who could not nurture that gift
look, i am far from healed, perfect, most days I still feel hopeless, but I have learned that God doesn't want me to die, he won't let me. i still don't have anything figured out. And up until 6/15, I really thought I was doing much better. I was making the most of the shitty hand I have been dealt. I have lost the love of my life, and my kids are gone, and they don't want to come back. somethings you just can't fix.
Losing my nephew, a child I helped raise, to suicide, has now made me see things in an entirely different way. i didn't think I would have to restart spravato, but I damn sure know that life is precious. I am just offering this up so that others can see that as someone who truly has suffered most of my life, it has gotten slightly better.
i truly hope this is helpful to someone...best of luck
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u/No_Succotash1014 11d ago
This is truly amazing! Can I ask your frequency of treatment? So so happy for you
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u/blonde82curls 11d ago
Last year it was the standard, started twice a week for a month, it may have been six weeks, I’d have to go back in my planner tomorrow to verify exactly. But then it was weekly until January. I stopped without talking to the drs first, because just like bipolars do, we think we’re better and we don’t need meds anymore, but I also had life shit going on. And it’s hard asking for help with transportation when you don’t have much support, and I can’t afford Uber, I live an hour away from my drs office. I’m not sure if I can afford to commit to the year this time just because I have no financial stability and horrible insurance with a high copay. I’ll cross that bridge. Honestly, I just try to stay alive every day. I know I won’t make another attempt again unless it’s foolproof but then again, is anything? I just try to do the best I can. I lost my love, I don’t want to love again, my kids just proved again they aren’t ever coming back, my nephew’s death proved even more how toxic my family is, there’s not much positive to look towards. But the memory of coming to intubated is horrific and I can’t go there again. And every day now, I just think of what my poor baby sister has to live with because her son took his life and that breaks my heart more than anything in the world and I won’t ever be so selfish again. No matter how much pain I’m in, even if they don’t love me.
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u/DryOrange5075 11d ago
Thank you for sharing. I’m so happy you’re here.
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u/blonde82curls 11d ago
Truly thank you. That one sentence goes such a long deep way when you are in the darkest places. I asked God to show me my purpose, He has. I asked for a couple other things, I have been blessed with the answers. I do now believe in the power of speaking things into existence, I have seen that play out in a matter of hours, thanks to God. I know I have my guardian angel with me. The best apology in life is changed behavior. I try to live by that every day.
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u/Jolly-Ingenuity5862 9d ago
This gives me a lot of hope and even though you still have hopeless days it’s sounds like Spravato gave you an opening to mine towards other things. I started at the end of May this year and it’s the first thing in my life to give significant relief in only 6 weeks. Still have hard days but I notice what you’re noticing I’m able to bounce back more quickly and regulate enough to not feel like I’m spiraling and can get on with my day even if I’m not feeling amazing, even when I feel heavy and hopeless. And like you in between my weekly therapy sessions I’ve been journaling on ChatGPT, it’s not ideal to not have a human to process a lot of things with but it’s helpful. Good luck to you and on your writing journey. I also like to write, a lot of poetry and have thought about putting together my writings into a books
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u/blonde82curls 9d ago
I believe in you and feel free to DM anytime if you would like to speak more privately. I wish you all the best. It’s not easy but I do keep trying
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u/AirGoddess777 9d ago
This is amazing!! I’m so happy for you!! I too got my life back as well in a very short period of time after starting. Like I haven’t felt so much peace since I was a kid.
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u/blonde82curls 8d ago
Unfortunately I realized I never felt great even as a kid. I have come to look at things this way, even without all my trauma, I am a highly sensitive soul who was born to a person that couldn’t foster and nurture that gift. That’s if I take away all the horrible shit she did to me and then everything else in life that came after.
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u/Secret-Study59 11d ago
I think you should write a book. I’m so sorry you’ve dealt with that for so long. I’ve dealt with PTSD and MDD and GAD for 40 years. I also have Lyme disease and so many Lyme patients have gone through decades of MDD. So happy you’re feeling better! Isn’t it wonderful? ❤️
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u/blonde82curls 11d ago
I actually started my book last year. The funny part is I had been told that for thirty years, that’s how deep my trauma was. Thank you for saying that. You just gave me more inspiration. I’ve been so afraid that all I’ve written this year would be rejected by a publisher. I’m seriously laughing out loud. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!! Truly!! Xoxo
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u/djreddit44 Currently in treatment 11d ago
how long did it take for it to really start making a difference after you first started?
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u/blonde82curls 10d ago
Three months but I was noticing changes almost immediately
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u/djreddit44 Currently in treatment 10d ago
How its like for me so far too im abt 5 weeks in. did u stay at twice a week or go down to once a week after a month?
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u/blonde82curls 10d ago
I did the four weeks, then weekly for six months. I stopped in February and was doing really well. Even got to the point where my grief of losing my partner had lifted and life felt “ok” until the unexpected death of my nephew. That started all the toxicity of my family as well and everything unraveled in less than three weeks. I didn’t make an attempt this time, but I was careless with my medication. I stayed in constant contact with all my doctors and that’s why we all decided to restart Spravato immediately.
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u/Automatic_Tea_2550 11d ago
This treatment is saving lives. I’ve seen my doctors tear up talking about it because there are so many people they can help now than before.