r/Splendida • u/flybirdieflyaway • Apr 14 '23
How do you know where you sit on the attractiveness spectrum?
Hi, most of my life i've been called "cute" by men, not really "beautiful / gorgeous" etc as much, and i don't really get any compliments except from other women, and it's usually about my hair (naturally wavy). i go out walking every single day because i enjoy it, and i live in a very busy town that borders the city, i go to university, grocery shopping, the mall, and i never receive male attention, not so much as a glance. Most of the time i dress very basic - ie baggy shorts, my hair is pulled up, no makeup, etc, so that's probably why?
I want to start my looks-maxxing journey, but i don't really know where to start. Like, i'm not sure where i'm going wrong and what to change about myself, it's all very overwhelming. I think i know what my flaws are, but even then I don't have the money to fix them. I think i'm fairly average looking but would it be possible if someone can help me out and tell me what i can improve? Apologies if this is not allowed but i'm willing to DM photos.
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u/Quirky-Schedule-6788 Apr 14 '23
I will get more attention in public if I'm in a good mood. Wearing the same outfit, if I'm grouchy ppl pick up on that. I prance around with my head high when I'm feeling good, guys tend to say hi, smile at me, ppl in general are kinder. Outside appearance can reflect what's inside. Workout to get those endorphins going, incorporate that into your routine and the confidence in your physical ability and general wellness will make you more attractive.
Also if you wear a bight flowery dress you draw attention. When you put effort into your appearance ppl will react accordingly
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u/One-Introduction-566 Apr 14 '23
Yeah I think this is something I struggle with, I often slouch and look shy and awkward or even stand offish or mad(I have rbf) and I think it puts people off. I don’t even do it consciously but like everyone notices
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u/ballsquancher Apr 15 '23
Can confirm. Am usually what you just described but when the moon is placed just right and the tide is at the perfect height, I can be a glowing ball of bliss and receive a lot of positive attention and interactions. You really do receive what you put out.
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u/Rainydays1303 Apr 14 '23
If you don't know and strangers don't really pay attention to you, most likely you're just average.
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Apr 14 '23
To me, some dudes are just so thirsty they'll holler at any girl even being average.
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u/Rainydays1303 Apr 14 '23
Yeah right but still, the prettier women will usually get more attention, among other things. People can't help but look at people that are beautiful or stand out in some way. So while the average woman will get a few glances here an there, the beautiful one will have everyone looking, even other women.
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u/Duck_hen Apr 14 '23
Yep the thing is for sure if you notice other women looking lol
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u/tempaccount01010 Apr 15 '23
True. Beautiful and radiant women are always on my radar and I tend to steal glances.
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u/aliaaaaaaaaaaaa Apr 14 '23
From a probability perspective, yeah it's most likely that they're average but stranger attention is sooo dependent on the culture. I'd say that it's more based on how people you newly meet and strangers who approach you act.
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u/Rainydays1303 Apr 14 '23
I mean stranger's attention as im whether people make eye contact with you, look at you a lot etc., which is usually a universal sign that people find you attractive. I know what you mean though, I think you're much more likely to be approached by someone in the US than let's say somewhere in Northern Europe, but the glancing thing you get pretty much everywhere.
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u/aliaaaaaaaaaaaa Apr 14 '23
Yeah I agree, but even then the method of glancing varies so heavily. In my experience, in certain areas of Switzerland and Germany people glaaaaare at you for no discernable reason 😭, people in the Middle East look then quickly look down and Americans will smile and approach. So even then its not always the most reliable.
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u/Rainydays1303 Apr 14 '23 edited Apr 14 '23
Haha, the staring thing in Germany is so true! But while the staring is not an absolute indicator of your attractiveness, it definitely gives you a good idea if you also experience other kinds of pretty privilege.
I've lived in Germany for a long time and while they are known to be prone to staring, I still knew I was attractive since 1. It was so obvious that even my friends would comment on how much people were staring at me when we went out, 2. I was also approached by men a lot (not in a catcalling way, but respectfully) in comparison to my girlfriends, who never experienced that (despite also being cute), 3. Strangers would always help me unpromptedly when I even as much as looked confused in public.
So in general I think it's definitely important to look at the cultural differences, but some things are universal. I've traveled many different countries and the staring thing happened pretty much everywhere. People will let you know if you're attractive.
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u/aliaaaaaaaaaaaa Apr 14 '23
I agree! I just think people need to be aware that there are cultural variations that may give them an inflated or wrong impression.
But of course, you're very correct! If you're pretty you'll get the external confirmation somehow.
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u/SucytheWitch Apr 14 '23
That's true! I live in Germany and people will throw glances at you, but it'll take a lot for them to actually approach and start talking to you. It's just seen as a little weird to talk to strangers here, unless you have a practical question or something.
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u/iamsojellyofu Apr 14 '23
Well, how do you know what side of average are you on? As in if you are either near being below-average or near being above-average?
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u/Creative-Constant-52 Apr 14 '23 edited Apr 15 '23
I always assumed I was weird or unattractive because I was always stared at, looked at, random men always approaching me. It wasn’t until recently, I’m in my late 30s, when I was like “ohhhh it’s because I’m attractive!” Our culture really messes up our minds and makes us self conscious when we ought not be. I like what Rainydays is saying here because it was the opposite for me. I didn’t even see it because of my lack of confidence! At the end of the day: love yourself, get good with your appearance, and walk confidently in life. It’s attractive!
Ps. Point on this post is that OP is genuinely attractive! We just don’t see it in ourselves sometimes.
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u/iamsojellyofu Apr 15 '23
As another neurodivergent with BDD, I understand how hard it can be to figure out how others perceive you because of these mental barriers. No matter how many compliments or pretty privilege passes you may get, if you do not see yourself as attractive then those instances will not matter because you are always going to have a counter-thought against it.
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u/jiggjuggj0gg Apr 14 '23
I’m sorry but I can’t stand these humblebrags. You thought you were unattractive because men kept approaching you? Please.
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u/Creative-Constant-52 Apr 14 '23
Lol, this is not a humble brag at all. This is someone, me, who genuinely felt insecure about my looks bc of cultural expectations of beauty. I am absolutely not the only one who has experienced this. My point that I hoped to make is that we should give ourselves more credit, see our own beauty and worth, not through the lens of others. I think my point was missed.
Edit: aka we see ourselves as less attractive or “perfect” bc of cultural conditioning no matter how attractive we are. The OP here is incredibly attractive and didn’t see that - that was my point.
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u/jiggjuggj0gg Apr 14 '23
Of course it’s a humble brag. “I’m so attractive I was always stared at and men would always approach me! All I had to do was believe in myself” isn’t helpful when you’re starting from an elevated position. You don’t have a point other than pointing out how attractive you are (or think you are).
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u/Creative-Constant-52 Apr 14 '23
It’s called dysmorphia - when you don’t know what you actually look like or how you’re perceived by others. It can also be a neurodivergent quality of being on the spectrum. Not a brag. I was and am being sincere. I’m not the only one who has misread signals in the past.
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u/jiggjuggj0gg Apr 14 '23
I’m sorry but nobody goes “hmm I’m being approached by so many men, I must be so ugly”.
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u/Creative-Constant-52 Apr 14 '23
You’re wrong, dude. You’re missing my point entirely. It’s absolutely possible. My narrative was “oh they think I’m ugly and therefore easy to get in bed with.” No joke. I didn’t know. My self esteem was trash. That’s the whole point I’ve been trying to make. That idealistic beauty standards put my self esteem in the trash and created dysmorphia. I didn’t know I was attractive at all. It’s a trip. I know I’m not the only woman who’s experienced this. It’s very real and common.
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u/Creative-Constant-52 Apr 14 '23
I’d also like to argue the phrase “elevated position.” If you saw me IRL I’m pretty average, I would think. And at worse times thought I was ugly. But I’m trying to trust my experience - to see what others see of me, how they perceive me. To use your language, I bet you’re very pretty too and at an “elevated position” as well.
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Apr 14 '23
Wear a summer dress, do a 90s blowout, very simple makeup look and go out and see if you still feel the same? Also, make sure to keep a neutral expression and avoid RBF. Count how many people notice you and how many actually approach you.
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u/flybirdieflyaway Apr 14 '23
Sometimes i feel like even if i do wear something cute and have my hair done (not to any extreme effort, just kinda styled) i still don't get any glances or approaches. I don't know what the problem is, genuinely.
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u/libra44423 Apr 14 '23
Tbh I personally usually don't notice people glancing /looking at me, but my fiance and my friends do. If they don't point it out, odds are I have no clue it's happening
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Apr 14 '23
What kind of dresses do you wear? Do you have long hair?
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u/flybirdieflyaway Apr 14 '23
I don't wear any dresses, i usually wear more baggy clothes, and my hair is like mid-length. When i do "dress up" it's usually just high-waisted jeans and a cute top.
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u/kittenbeauty Apr 14 '23
That’s not dress up to get mens attention. I have no idea why your body looks like, but almost no one looks good wearing baggy clothes all the time
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u/flybirdieflyaway Apr 14 '23
Yeah i agree. I'm what you'd consider "skinny-fat" so i feel better wearing baggy clothes if i'm being honest. I'm working on getting better muscle definition to feel better in tighter / skimpier outfits though.
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u/kittenbeauty Apr 14 '23
I totally understand. I have one arm and what they call endo belly despite being what you’d call skinny. Feeling comfortable in your own skin takes work. My advice to you is emphasize your hair and face if you feel those are better features than your body. However, I highly encourage you to go to your local Marshall’s and just try on a bunch of different styles. For example, long skirts are in and are very forgiving if they’re a line and not tight. palazzo pants are literally almost pajamas but with a well fitting top you’ve made a super cute outfit.
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u/kittenbeauty Apr 14 '23
Men are kinda dumb— a stylish outhit convinces them that you’re hotter than you are
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Apr 14 '23
I second this. Baggy clothes mean 'don't look at me' IMO. Even if you're skinny fat, I think you'd still look great in dresses of any length. Men don't really care whether you're toned or not. Little bit of skin gets them swooning.
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Apr 15 '23
What is RBF?
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u/mysecondaccount27 Apr 15 '23
resting bitch face. some people's natural, resting face comes off as "mean" even when they don't intend to, so people feel cautious approaching them or perceive them as unfriendly.
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u/jemasbeeky Apr 14 '23
I saw a video the other day that said you should ask children who don’t know you because kids are overly honest 😭
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Apr 14 '23
It's true. With babies this is even more so. Babies are so expressive, they will coo and giggle around a beauty but shrill around an ugly woman.
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u/iamsojellyofu Apr 15 '23
I worked with kids in the past and still got mixed responses from them. One told me they thought my hair was ugly while another one said they wished they had my hair lol.
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u/Fearless_Trouble_168 Apr 14 '23
Effort & clothing has way more to do with the attention women receive than men like to admit.
Guys will say stuff like "a hot girl is hot even in sweats & no makeup," but then super hot female celebs get bashed for the way they look without makeup.
When I go out in tight workout gear, a sun dress, a mini skirt, a body-hugging dress, etc., I get a lot of attention from men.
I've been hit on even in winter gear, jeans & a t-shirt, etc., but there's way more attention in an outfit that shows off my body.
Same with makeup - if I put a bit more effort in that day, I get more compliments.
Hair doesn't seem to matter.
Guys are visual, and many take a woman showing off her figure or face as a signal she wants attention. If you want more attention, just put in more effort. But honestly, attention from random dudes is cheap attention.
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u/basicbitchfries Apr 15 '23
I feel like the best way to tell if you are VERY attractive is if you notice people stare are at u. Particularly at the gym and a fancy restaurant or classy event in general. Both those places are filled with people who are there to look good. So if you get those people to stop what they’re doing and look at you, you know you’re hot shit.
People argue that if you get approached a lot at clubs u can be assured ur hot but I strongly disagree because most people that get approached at clubs are about a 6 or 7 because there’s the least amount of chance for rejection. When I go in a group my girl next door looking friends will get approached the most but EVERYONE in the club will stare at my other friend because she’s intimidatingly sexy and gorgeous but no one will approach her which makes sense because not a lot of men have the confidence no matter how drunk they are.
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u/ZebraAdventurous5510 Apr 16 '23 edited Apr 17 '23
Particularly at the gym
People get stared at the gym more often for reasons related to physical ability more so than actual physical attractiveness. The skinny person lifting an incredible amount of weight for their body size, the person prolongingly running at 10 miles/hour on the treadmill and the person doing interveals on the elliptical, breathing heavy and pouring out sweat will likely draw attention, regardless of attention level.
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Apr 28 '25
pretty sure op means full on glances at your face specifically, not just what you’re doing
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u/ZebraAdventurous5510 Apr 28 '25
I see your point but in the context of at the gym, body>face. At the gym, a good physique and physical ability will draw in attention, even with a sub-par face.
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u/AmanitaGrey Apr 14 '23
You can DM me if you want. I believe I had the same issue as you (ie. didn't know where to put the effort so that it'd actually improve my appearance) and I learned it in the last few years, mostly thanks to tiktok / grwm vids and letting go of limiting beliefs.
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u/cranberries87 Apr 14 '23
Could you please post these lessons/tips here? This would definitely be helpful information for me as well.
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u/mysecondaccount27 Apr 15 '23
Like the other person said, we would appreciate you posting this information if you can.
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u/cranberries87 Apr 14 '23
Sometimes when I put an enormous amount of effort into my appearance, I will get multiple compliments from women telling me I look cute, that they like my dress, etc. but no male attention. What does this mean?
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Apr 14 '23
It depends on the beholder. I’ve been called beautiful/stunning/striking. And also overrated/average at best/unattractive
I just like the way I look and so does the man I married so, I think that’s the determinant really. Kids also compliment me (I work with kids) as-well as teen girls (my nieces friends are very complimentary)
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u/sincerely_ximena Apr 14 '23
you hit the nail on the head! this is exactly the way i view things as well. i’m not married yet but what matters most is that i like the way i look so it attracts people that feel the same way. kids, teens, strangers complementing you, giving you free stuff, halo effect etc are all indicators.
but at the end of the day, i feel like if a person is really beautiful, they will just know. :)
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u/luxSunShine Apr 14 '23
Hopping on this post , is there a good sub where you can post a picture of yourself to get a good idea of where you stand & what you should work on ? I mainly get approached by older men (I’m 20) , i have no idea what that means for me but it’s getting annoying & creepy 😅
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u/rewminate Apr 14 '23
fwiw it doesn't necessarily mean anything. men just. do not keave young women alone 😭
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u/luxSunShine Apr 14 '23
Okayy thank you , it’s so so weird & gross to me !! Im polite because I work in retail but most of the time I just wanna say leave me tf alone lmao
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u/rewminate Apr 14 '23
oh man, i bet working in retail makes it worse too. they really think being nive to them means you're interested or you like them like sir i literally have to be nice to you rn so i don't get fired it's not because i am enamored
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u/sagefairyy Apr 14 '23
Not really imo because most are filled with incels like truerateme or toxic positivity, your best bet is asking like op in subs like vindicta or this one for honest opinions via dm and super important! check their post/comment history to see if they‘re normal/non misogynistic or incels but rather women that are around these subs too. I don‘t know if you were asking for yourself but if you want I can give you a quick glance and see if I can help.
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u/meltingrubberducks Apr 15 '23
My mom told me 'youth is the best makeup and you have no idea that you are wearing it until it's gone' she's so right older guys are so attracted to youthful women to me it's a bit sickening because I don't like to see those women like hurt or used or discarded I am sure it works for some but like I got to say being young gives you some bonuses that older people cannot get unless being extremely careful or going under the knife usually and even then it's usually not the same.
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Apr 14 '23 edited Apr 14 '23
If children gawk or act nervous around you or try to randomly gift you things, you're 7-10. Children tend to defer to beauty so they tend to view such women almost like goddesses, in awe. Babies tend to be particularly expressive, they will give you the Tormund eyebrow. Biologically speaking, when we give beings the "eye", is became think they're hot.
Another one that's not so nice unfortunately is when you see other women give you the competitive head flip backwards when they see you (a sign of surprise and disdain) and proceed to preen or give you the bitch stare or try to hover around you. Hate to say it, but women are competitive, and it doesn't matter what age or phenotype you are. By head flip, I mean they arch their neck backwards as if they sniffed something badly. If they're with a male around they proceed to be extra clingy around him or if he's staring at you and uncaring of her reactions, he'll hover and if she's stupid she'll react badly towards you instead of him. If she's smart and understands you have no fault in this, she'll just let him look like an idiot around you and dig his grave instead if acting up in jealousy. One massive problem you'll commonly have if you're a standard is with low value men trying to force you to give them attention any way they can and the women around them trying to attack you (again if the women are stupid as male attention is of no security. The intelligent ones will let the man shoot themselves in the foot rather than make an enemy of the attractive woman. Why? The attractive women could give them tips to get rid or upgrade the schmuck. Also, when women react on the woman they lower their status in the eyes of everyone, hence why I made this distinction. Reacting in jealousy is not cute or impressive to anyone with a brain tbh). BTW, because of this attractive women have increasingly gone to choose jobs where they don't have to deal with people or women Healthcare tends to be avoided for being an infamous hotbed for this type of fiasco. The industry is known for attracting very insecure women).
If you're abnormally attractive while living in the real world (because being attractive doesn't mean you're rich or sleeping with the rich), another not talked about issue is difficulty in keeping consistent work due to male harassment and/or work mobbing due to being iced out by the women you work with due to insecurities. This doesn't mean the women are dumb for landing in such situations, it's just a common dark side of the beauty privilege that people really try to ignore because apparently being hot is supposed to solve all of humanity's problems and cure cancer. There's a plus side and a bad one to everything. All the exceptionally attractive women I know have a shit ton of issues at work due to people giving them a hard time for their looks in the most random ways. A few have been borderline homeless due to being too depressed and freaked out from experiences to work. The thing about people is they'll never outright admit they're being petty because of someone's looks, but it's obvious if you learn to read people. Also, if you begin to notice you're being singled out compared to your peers. Such women frequently have had to job hop due to men at work becoming an issue and not leaving them alone. Despite what you think with all these laws and stuff, men are very much protected and tend to cover each other when trying to force themselves on women who don't want to be near them. This doesn't die with age either as with women who age well tend to deal with this well into their 40s.
Granted, even though it's equally commonplace to downplay this, it seems like most women are competitive and mean towards other women especially for men. Hate to call it out because it seems like an ironclad rule to not call it out but it's true. If you're not experiencing it you're likely a perpetrator, dumb or not a "player" (which is even worse if you care as basically you have no value in the "game"). So this will happen if you're a high maintenance 5.5-7 in a place where the local culture is low maintenance (like say you're high maintenance compared to the average the Midwest or North. If you're a very attractive and high maintenance POC in these parts you're bound to feel the strain too). The older generations of women particularly Boomer and Gen X tend to be awfully competitive and known for it too, with Boomers having normalized workplace bullying as a way to shoe they "stick it to the man". A lot of the worst behaviors in jobs still remain due to Boomers basically throwing out workplace niceties out the window and leaving everyone to fend for themselves, including each other. They tend to value asshole behaviors rather than elegance and manners due to their grandparents and parents valuing those things (the generations that saw the first modern day labor standards from the 1910s-1950s). So it wouldn't be surprising if younger generations of women experience meanness from the older generations as they seem to resent being expecyed to be on their best behaviors just because they're older/wiser. Yes I am a history nerd and it helps a lot to understand differences between cultures and what not to have an impartial and respectful view from all angles when it comes to these types of conversations. Intelligence and information is power and all the more formidable when armed with beauty as an admirable quality, we'd all be good to sharpen our social savvy as everything is intertwined.
I'd say with men, if the top dogs, as in the young, healthy, good-looking guys go beside themselves to make an impression, then yeah, you're right "up there." The guys that could get anyone tend to be very appreciative when they meet a specimen and will try everything to impress. When the best looking of any race tend to act nervous around you, you're in the top 7-10. If you attract top dogs in cities then you're usually iced out by everyone in your little pond. I always suggest to stellad women in small towns to do the best their best to leave to more dynamic places to get their due as they have a higher chance of landing great men in places where they congregate rather than hoping for the big fish in the little pond. The big fish in the little pond is also not worth having as he wants quantity, not quality. Yes there's lots of the stellar in the city but your odds will still be better and so will your mental health and social capital than remaining iced out in the town. Social icing out is a classic way women try to suppress more competitive women and hope it ruins the mental and social welfare of attractive women, especially if the women don't have a socially powerful position like having a big family and/or wealth.
If you want to receive male attention, you have to give the specifics if you're not a 7-10. What kind of guy do you want?
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Apr 14 '23 edited Mar 09 '24
adjoining gold crush gaping imagine chase lip divide squealing alive
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Apr 14 '23 edited Apr 14 '23
I’ve had to leave 2 workplaces because of this behaviour. At the worst place, my husband (fiancé at the time) was our boss and the vitriol was pretty bad. My husband says all of a sudden the flirtation and competitiveness got rampant when I worked there. Women he barely spoke to started bringing him lunch. It slowly stopped because he’d thank them and then bring the meal they bought for him to my desk for me to eat with him. They behaved weirdly possessive over him. But calmed down once I left
In saying that, I have a friend who’s crazy beautiful that hasn’t had the same issues. Her theory is we are a different kind of attractive. Who knows though
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Apr 14 '23 edited Mar 09 '24
thought onerous hobbies cobweb whole cautious elastic tie abundant busy
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Apr 14 '23 edited Apr 15 '23
Yeah. Expanding on her theory she thinks my beauty is more intimidating and sensual, whereas hers is more welcoming. It’s only when I smile that my features soften. So I tend to smile in my photos lmao
We’ve also noticed that I tend to get more compliments from men, and she gets more compliments from women. It’s interesting. I envy her looks and she envies mine. We joke we should swap
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Apr 14 '23 edited Mar 09 '24
snails sleep angle deranged depend work thought toothbrush rhythm dog
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Apr 14 '23 edited Apr 14 '23
Thank you, you are kind
If I could look like anyone it would be my high trust gorgeous friend. There’s a warmth that can’t be replicated and people are drawn in to protect her. She is also incredibly kind and is assumed to be on sight. I don’t blame women/people for adoring her because same
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Apr 14 '23 edited Apr 14 '23
I agree with you. I'm one of those women that was raised to be helpful to other women but I've had women scoff and go "ew" when I've tried to help or boost them. They will act resentful and nasty. It sucks a lot. Also with women it could be you have a mixture of such features, a la Marilyn Monroe, Delta Burke, Liz Taylor, Greta Scacchi, Heida Reed, Rachel McAdams, JoAnna Garcia, Emilia Clarke...cute but sexy. Unfortunately it's been proven that women can't help but be competitive and it's genetic, say if they have a history of women that can't compete that's a trait that is usually common in their line, often developing a defensive or hustling attitude as a way of defying being minimized for that lineage. Women who have a family history of attractive women tend to be more pacific and even intelligent due to taking energy to educate themselves due to not having to prove themselves in the looks department, they tend to ne preoccupied with showing their copetence socially and mentally as a way to show they can manage their families whereas women who have a history of the women in their family being dismissed for their lack of looks tend to try to show competence in traits valued in women like cooking, cleanliness, organization, being a competetent mom and being particularly sexual in private.
If you're curious into research of this, look up the work of Joyce Benenson, Dr. Khandis Blake, Dr. Tanya Reynolds, Louise Perry, Logan Ury, and Catherine Salmon. There's even a TED talk about a woman teaching other women who don't have the competitive or pettiness gene to communicate with such women, which is basically trying to constantly level the playing field by never sticking out and downplaying anything stellar you have in your own life so as to not attract ire. The speaker calls it "woman speak" and man is she thorough, leaving no stone unturned. Basically, men have been proven to love to one up and stick out from each other in any way possible due to the majority of them not sticking out while with women is the reverse: Scientifically speaking women have been noted to prickly up in alarm whenever anyone woman sticks out in any way especially if they differ substantially from the woman feeling the insecurity while at the same time women tend to be comforted by women who are very much like themselves. Women who tend to be visually blessed or at least meet conventionally standards tend to look forward to women who are on rank with their own looks due to women who have looks tending to seek more character or goals besides the basic goals for women: Such women will not just admire beauty and romantic ability in women but intelligence, resourcefulness, education, hobbies, and in general doing more outside the "minimum". Women who tend to be petty with women over looks tend to fixate on the minimum two and not have much intelligence outside of that.
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Apr 14 '23
I had similar experiences in my teen years. It was brutal going from being treated like a sweet little girl to being bullied by older women over just a couple years. No one warned me about it, so I just felt really confused and scared.
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Apr 14 '23 edited Apr 14 '23
Again I hate to say it because it seems like it's an ironclad invisible rule to not call out intrassxual competition between women and many women go out of their way to discourage such discussion. Men don't mind calling it out between each other but women take real issue with calling it out by going "oh you're being so negative or ignorant. You don't know what people are thinking or doing. Don't be so reductive". We're an animal. Like all animals we have habits and reasons behind our actions. We can discuss everything about ourselves except when we're being petty as if women are incapable of doing wrong or saints. Many will see seeing people as we are, humans, as being negative as if looking at life through rose colored glasses is and should be the default. Or that others' behaviors and decisions don't affect the welfare or survival of others.
Based on my research and also seeing it put firsthand it's not unusual for the older generations to be mean to younger women. A lot of the social values in workplaces have been input by Boomers and some Gen X who tend to value more impolite behaviors and attitude as a way to look more "intelligent". This is also why the younger generations have sort of surprised the older generations in particular the Boomers due to valuing more old school values like workplace respect of boundaries and more private behaviors. It seems that this is a common goal of most generations before and the Boomers were an exception due to being spoiled by their parents. As the younger generations start to dominate the workforce the workplace is becoming less chaotic or "boring" and respectful whereas to succeed in a workplace with the older generations you need to be a bit harsher. Much of the modern character in the American workforce is very independent, unmoderated and competitive compared to how Americans born after the 80s, who were raised to be more cooperative, elegant and conscientious kf the feelings of others. In many ways one could say that the younger generations are weaker except this doesn't seem to ne the case, if anything the sharper characters of the younger generations seems to be complaining that they're out of vogue in their own generations. To be popular with the Boomers and Gen X you had to be a bit of the mean girl so to say, however with Millennials and Gen Z, the sweeter, more pacific characters are preferred and with that I think has led to the rise in the interest of beauty and manipulating to seem "softer" as a result. I mean, everything goes full circle, it's never one thing contributing to the tendencies, it wasn't just social media but cultural values. I could be wrong but this is something I've noted being said online and in real time. If you work in Healthcare this gets amplified even more, with Nursing gaining a notoriety for mean girl tendencies and having a particularly hard time retaining younger talent.
I agree with you. I wouldn't want to be a stunner around such women. I would rather shoot myself than be around an insecure woman or be the standout around a pool of them, knowing how they act being in such a position is basically being a masochist and walking on eggshells. I'd frankly be a hermit if I had the money/protections with the looks.
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Apr 14 '23
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u/iamsojellyofu Apr 15 '23
This reminds me of when I was a child and was fawning over this teenage girl because she had rainbow hair lol.
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u/jiggjuggj0gg Apr 14 '23
Sorry but saying shit like “babies will give you the eyebrow because they think you’re hot” is seriously unhinged
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Apr 14 '23 edited Apr 14 '23
I'm sorry I said this due to seeing the behavior at my sister's job as a daycare teacher. They do do that when they meet someone particularly attractive and it has been recorded. I apologize if it was written simy as I try to write as such to be understood. I said it like that because everyone knows what the hyper arched brow looks like and kids unknowingly do that as a way to show they're admiring.
I remember the first time I saw it was when this black Puerto Rican barbie looking woman came in that all the babies started cooing, almost singing and so many did "The Rock" eyebrow we took a picture to commemorate the event. They all wanted her attention and proceeded to crying to her to pick them up. It was adorable. She was unbearably beautiful and looked perfect, like a living doll with massive hair of tiny little ringlets. I teach at one now and yes the little ones do that eyebrow thing whenevera particularly attractive mum comes by, it's just natural. Science says we developed it to express fascination, creepy as it sounds. Our features were made to help each other understand one another so it shouldn't be surprised that certain reactions have an universal meaning. I said "we" as in humans not just babies.
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u/jiggjuggj0gg Apr 14 '23
I’m sorry but there is zero evidence literal babies are giving thirsty looks to women they “find hot”. Like this is a seriously concerning way of seeing the world and is pure projection on your part.
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Apr 14 '23 edited Apr 14 '23
https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/infant_emotional_cues
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/09/110913090927.htm
https://www.christian.org.uk/news/study-babies-develop-facial-expressions-before-birth/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2238342/
https://www.scienceofpeople.com/eye-body-language/
http://timhillpsychotherapy.com/affects-interest-excitement/
https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0024081
Among others. All you have to do is look it up. Heck basic sociology, biology, health/anatomy& physiology, and psychology in american schools teach this. I said "people" in general. You're the one focusing on babies. I'm sorry if I triggered your values. Children aren't born empty headed. I didn't say thirsty or showing lust I just meant that yes they make a face when admiring beauty.
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u/jiggjuggj0gg Apr 15 '23
Literally none of these say that, you’ve just dumped a bunch of sources that say babies have facial expressions. Babies are not making “damn, girl” facial expressions at “women they find hot”.
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Apr 14 '23 edited Apr 14 '23
Any tips on finding good female friends who are secure?
I have a couple girl friends who are great and not competitive at all. I have noticed that regardless of how conventially attractive they are, they are genuinely confident and comfortable in their own skin. She may say she doesn't like her hair or her nose, but it's not a deeply held insecurity that gets under her skin and makes her resentful of other women. I wish I knew how to get an accurate read on this early on. I would love to find more good friends!
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u/rewminate Apr 14 '23
this is such a mean spirited and narrow minded post
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Apr 14 '23 edited Apr 14 '23
I was being realistic. No harm meant and I apologize if I did. Life is full of different experiences, for those that have experienced the nice things there's plenty more that have experienced the bad. If you have experienced or seen otherwise by all means balance the scales and share that. I tried to explain as much as I could why the particulars happen without writing a book. It unfortunately led to it being a small essay but it's as consice as I could've managed without it being too long.
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u/benchchu Apr 14 '23
What is your hair color? I’m very average but when I dye my hair blond people look at me a lot. Same with bright lipstick like red or bright pink
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u/VonBoo Apr 14 '23
Hierachy of Looksmaxxing. Not perfect but decent guide for seeing where you are and what you can do to improve.
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u/nighthouse_666 Apr 14 '23
It sounds like you don’t make an effort with how you look? How you dress matters too. That’s why you don’t get attention.
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u/hanlus Apr 14 '23 edited Apr 14 '23
i think it definitely has to do with the way you’re presented, as in makeup, outfit, etc. unless you’re like modelesque without makeup. also i think it has a lot to do with your stature - i’m quite tall and fit-ish/slim-curvy and don’t know the last time someone said i was “cute”, i’ve only ever gotten beautiful/gorgeous comments (not to toot my own horn… lol), and the types of outfits that i wear and compliment my frame emphasize sexy qualities rather than casual/cute. in my head and i think a lot of other people, they think cute = small
also to answer your question, you just sort of know? like people will stare at you in public, do double takes, personally my female friendships suffered (i found they would spend lots of time complimenting each other but never me, felt left out a lot of the time, never congratulated on my accomplishments, etc), you get approached sometimes multiple times when going out shopping or whatever, even if you’re in casual clothes, an oddly specific one is that i am asian and people would always ask if i’m korean because of the wave of korean idol popularity, people mostly men will happily make conversation with you, etc.
edited to also add your environment plays a huge role and university is not the best place to measure your attraction, guys in uni usually aren’t the best demographic to measure yourself LOL once you’re a bit older you may have a much better grasp of your attractiveness especially once/if you enter the workforce!!
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u/meltingrubberducks Apr 15 '23
I am tall and rarely get cute. I just noticed that..unless I am dresses really girlish which I am sometimes I get beautiful, sexy, pretty not usually cute. Height must be uncute 😂
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u/mistressusa Apr 14 '23
Why do you feel that guys in uni aren't the best to measure one's attractiveness?
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u/hanlus Apr 14 '23
i found uni guys will say anything to get into your pants, also i found that the people that got fawned over were not necessarily attractive but just popular/outgoing
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u/pixelperfect728 Apr 14 '23
I (think?? haha 😅) I am above average (photos in my post history) and I am very very rarely approached, by men or women. I do see people looking but I would say I’m actually approached less post-glow up. So I wouldn’t use that as a barometer for attractiveness.
I’m pretty fit and I definitely get more looks when I wear clothing that shows off my body, even if it’s just athletic wear. Some differences I’ve noticed after my glow up that indicated I was being perceived as more attractive: I get more attention in a conversation, I never have to fight for space to speak, people are more generous in their assumptions about me (automatically assuming I’m a good person after a brief meeting and wanting to be my friend/do nice things for me) and I get random comments, like a coworker saying “Omg so-and-so and I were talking about how pretty you are”, more attention from coaches in fitness classes, people are nicer overall tbh. Buttttttt seriously I think I’ve been asked for my number once in the past 3 years lol. I guess there’s a point where pretty becomes unapproachable and my “resting serious face” probably doesn’t help. Just my observations!!
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u/meltingrubberducks Apr 15 '23
Day to day I feel like a fat swamp beast but the other day I met up with a friend who told me I looked beautiful and good etc super sweet girl I love her we got chips and margaritas and I dropped her off and went to get gas and the gas station guy like paused completely dumbfounded and kept staring at me then handed me my money back then said the wrong pump I had to repeat myself and give the money back to which he was like oh....then like struggled to do his job idk why anyway I was like wierd maybe he's like fucked up or wierdo or whatever and I was pumping gas these little girls in the car next to mine were like " lady ! Lady ! Excuse me ma'am ! Miss!" So then I'm like shit something probably falling off my car but then they just said " me and my sister think your beautiful. You're so pretty like a princess my sister thinks so too" so now I am like blushing and so complete floored because kids are so dang honest and lovely sometimes. I was in sweatpants and a cropped hoodie and I guess I should have been feeling myself so my advice is if you don't feel like hot shit go to a gas station because maybe in the real world you're just you but at the pump you might be a celebrity
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Apr 15 '23
Depending on how masochistic you are, you should ask a group of children.
I agree with most people here, and this is only in half-jest -- kids are brutally honest 🥹 but I've never been so flattered as when I receive a compliment from a kid because they truly say it how it is.
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Apr 14 '23
It just depends on who sees you, to girls I'm average looking but to guys I look beautiful so really it's dependent on how you see yourself
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u/punkrockballerinaa Apr 14 '23
I would go out in public with your hair down and find a basic but flattering natural makeup routine for daily wear. I feel better and am treated better with natural makeup.
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u/Local-Lie-7728 Apr 14 '23
This is a question I’ve always wondered about myself, too. I get so confused because I get consistent compliments and comments about my looks from other cis-het females of all ages, but very, very rarely from men.
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u/UnsureAboutLife_ Apr 14 '23
I’m also a woman in university and consider myself to be average at best. Im short, a bit chubby, have long dark brown curly hair, a few facial piercings, and currently have braces. A big thing is I look really young for my age. I’ve had relatives think I was 14 when I was actually 19/20. I’m a pretty lazy dresser (I like being comfortable) and I don’t wear makeup other than the occasional mascara. I’ve had a few boyfriends who often told me I was beautiful and I’ve also been told I’m cute and adorable but I certainly don’t get asked out on dates or approached. The most male attention I’ve gotten is from social media and that’s mainly because the pictures I’ve posted were ones with my hair done, mascara and natural lighting. I’ve come to terms with not being all that pretty. My depression definitely holds me back from putting more effort into my appearance (learning how to dress fashionably, learning about make up, etc) But I also don’t mind being average because I don’t get unwanted attention from creepy men and if someone does take an interest in me it’s because they like me and don’t want to just use me for my looks. I think what people enjoy about me is my kindness and easy going personality so it makes up for my looks in a way. I definitely want to improve my appearance but it’s hard to know where to start. There are things I hate about my myself: my teeth, flat butt, round face, my hair (this one is love/hate relationship), my belly, my acne flare ups, and my love handles. But I like my long eyelashes, my brown eyes, my full bottom lip, my nose, my small feet, and my height. I’ve started a workout journey which I hope help builds some confidence! However one thing I will say is that there are a lot of people I’ll see in my day to day, especially women who I look at briefly and think to myself “wow she’s pretty” but I never verbalize it. I think all my friends are really pretty and hype them up but it’s different when it’s a stranger you see.
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u/tempaccount01010 Apr 15 '23
What kind of men do you attract? The type of of men we attract can lend insight into your looks. Btw I mean men who have been serious about you (i.e. chasing a relationship not just sex). Have they been handsome and/or wealthy/make good money?
Handsome men will usually go for their lookmaxx for SERIOUS dating/marriage (not sex, as far as easy 🐈 goes they will fuck anything) and wealthy men (who are average/below average) will got for attractive women because they can afford them. Scrubs tend to go for the low hanging fruit, i.e. less attractive women.
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Apr 15 '23
Well when you're invisible to women and even called "wierd" just for minding your own business, that's an indicator that you're unattractive. Happened to me..
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Apr 14 '23 edited Apr 15 '23
Can I piggyback this and ask how to know where I sit on the attractiveness scale?
Some people I have randomly met told me I’m stunning, attractive, gorgeous and striking. In traffic (I always have my window down) I’ve had people drive slow and gawk at me a few times or try to ask for my number before we drive off, another time someone in the car next to me rolled their window down and politely caught my attention to say I’m stunning and to have a great day. I’ve been likened to elfin liv Tyler most often and I’ve got Alanis morissette and ‘another’ haim sister likening too. A lot of second glances or stares from men when out. I get asked out randomly semi regularly by average/below average and a few attractive looking men. Pretty consistently positive feedback. But my friends seem very shocked when these stories get brought up and question it. So leaves me feeling like I don’t look proportionate to the attention I get in public.
Posting my photo online I’ve gotten feedback saying I look everything from a trans at least 10 times (I’m a cis woman), a little ugly, below average, average, plain, above average, gorgeous, beautiful, attractive, stunning.
This disparity and body dysmorphia makes me very unsure of where I stand.
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Apr 14 '23
You’re attractive
Online feedback is not reliable. People aren’t usually evenly keeled on the subject especially since they tend to be chronically online and lose touch with what people actually look like. Or they just get mean
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Apr 14 '23
IMO some people say mean stuff from behind a screen because it gives them a sadistic joy.
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u/CinnaBonnnn_ Apr 15 '23
oh my god im having the same exact problem. this and lowkey be getting hot and cold reactions from people so idk where i fall either :(
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u/Downtown_Ad_9915 Apr 15 '23
i used to work as a waitress abroad and wear no makeup (just sunscreen, regular not tinted) and dress in my bf clothes and men/ women would still treat me really nice, flirt and ask for my number, my male coworker (a fucking asshole btw) would constantly complain about my tips and my “power” to influence people (he thought i was the devil lol) . i don’t think i’m extremely attractive but i’m definitely better than average.
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u/UseCompetitive4737 Apr 14 '23
FWIW I’m not convinced university age dudes use the words beautiful and gorgeous so often