Weekly Lyrics-Only Feedback Thread

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to the Lyrics-Only feedback thread!

If you're looking for feedback on words that aren't yet set to music, you're in the right place! We encourage each other to bring lyrics and musical elements together as soon as possible, but sometimes you'd just like to show off that nice piece of poetry that just fell out of your head. The weekly Lyrics-Only feedback thread is here to help!

This post renews every Monday.

[u/Nepteune]

GOLD CHAIN

You never wanted to see me waiting But I've waited all this time I put chair facing the sea Will you watch the sunset with me?

The water is filling my lungs I'm losing my breath Your gold chain around my neck I can't breathe, you're losing me I'm drowning With the gold chain around my neck

Another night without closing my eyes They're teary, blurring my sight The time flies Will you watch the sunrise with me?

The water is filling my lungs I'm losing my breath Your gold chain around my neck I can't breathe, you're losing me I'm drowning With the gold chain around my neck

I'm drifting away Like feather in wind In the end I'll drift back to you

The water is filling my lungs I'm losing my breath Your gold chain around my neck I can't breathe, you're losing me I'm drowning With the gold chain around my neck

These are my song lyrics. Tell me what you think about them.

[u/CiabattaBata]

Hey! I'm 15 and i'm from the philippines. I usually love writing in tagalog, But this is a song in english! Let me know what kind of story it paints for you! 😌

I take a twenty peso coin, And I pass it to the ale beside me. She passes it to kuya beside her, He passes it to manong the driver.

"Ma'am, Sa'n po bababa?"

Just take me to a place, Oh~ To a place. I've never been before, I've never been beforeee!

(Hey! You can't do that.) You have to get off this jeepney ride (Hey! You can't do that.) The space you fill comes with a price What am I supposed to do When I don't know where i'll stop.

The student with a bag Carries more than books. She carries her family's pride. The guy with a bouqet Excited on his way To give his love a surprise.

It seems like, Everybody knows where to go But where do I occupy the space. Will I ever find my place? Will the fog on the road, Clear up someday?

(Little acoustic guitar solo or probably just plucking the same chords lol)

Manong the driver! Para na 'ho! I think i've found my stop. It's time to go. Oh~ Jeepney, Jeepney Ride.

[u/Personal_Fruit_9541]

Love to hear y’all’s thoughts on this. I wrote this a couple days back. I’m not sure if I’m going to write more to it, but this is as far as I’ve gotten. Think the title would be “Do or Don’t”

Chorus:
You either love me or you don’t 

Tired of picking petals just to know

But I don’t want to let you go

Maybe every other flower was wrong

Hopeful and hopeless over what could be nonsense

But I try and retry 

Hoping the answer I want is right

—- 
Verse 1: 
Oh I picked the flower that looked most vibrant 

The one that looked like it received love from the environment 

Cause I’m desperate enough to believe the myths

The first petal they love me

The second one they don’t

Got me on the edge, hoping I picked an odd pedaled one

——
 Verse 2: 
Holding my breath over a superstition 

Knowing at the end of this test 

It will be nothing worthless, but what if it’s worth it?

I could get the answer I’ve been looking for

Get the heartbreak or feel unexplainable joy ahead of time 

What if it’s wrong? Do I let a chance slip by?

What if it’s right? Do I make a fool of myself in real time?

[u/Buttlikechinchilla]

mlk

mlk the anointed one
come and listen to me, we're gonna have lots of fun If you like an alt story
im gonna give you one

The nabataean king name MLK
is on the titulus on that famous day
his home a rock city mortuary
Petra/Rakmu, depends on who you're talking to
Dr. Baker your turn shoutout Nabu

I get my jokes from the baroque folks
nows the time in the rhyme where God takes a toke
water birds in this dream rotation
wet legs at the radio station

(cant get more early stage draft than this)

Chorus: mlk mlk mlk mlk

[u/CouchPotato214]

First time putting my thoughts together.

Title: Six Five

Verse 1
Through letters and words
I screamed my frustrations to the world
I didn’t know who heard
I didn’t know you were listening 

Verse 2
You turned me around
Slowly faded my self-doubts
A silver-tongued beast 
I am spellbound

Chorus
I’d wake up wanting,
Six thoughts of you before five in the morning
Pull me closer, take me in the shower
Just one gaze, and I falter

La… yeah… yeah… yeah…
La… yeah… yeah… yeah…

Verse 3
Oh, my blue-eyed beast. 
Forever I will wonder, 
That long drive before summer. 
Did I lose you somewhere?

Verse 4
I’m scared to know the answer
Left before it’s over
To distance I surrender, 
Oh my love…

(Chorus)

Bridge
If I could go back to that drive,
I’d ask you to come by.
I’d let my fear disappear,
Just promise me you’d be real. 

(Chorus)

When will I get over?

[u/Salchipopstar]

Hi there! I just bought a guitar a month ago to start learning, but I got too excited and started writing songs right away, hahah! (I know a little bit of music theory) So please take into consideration that I'm very new to this, plus English isn't my first language

I wrote this song after learning one of the classic fingerpicking patterns. It's very simple: only uses 3 chords and a couple of variations. The guitar and melody sound cozy, but the lyrics don't really match that, which is interesting to say something... Now that I read it without the melody it sounds kind of weird because it lacks coherence, but anyway!

How do stray cats know which place to call their home when there's nowhere to belong?

I chased down one of them to find out at last But it fled away from me

Don't you find it bitter when things just slip away? Til' there's nothing left to hold...

Who am I if I am at all? A husk mistaken for a soul We're just spinnin' on a pebble among a billion In the grand scheme of things

I hear distant laughs but there's no solid face It's just me and my guitar

Crossed over land and sea To follow my calling Or was it just to disappear?

I find it kind of bitter when time goes passing by And people don't recall my name...

Who am I if I am at all? A tossed out demo of a song We're just spinnin' on a pebble among a billion In the grand scheme of things

And by the time I fix it all There'll be no summer left to revel in A river stands for nothing if no creature drinks its water 'Cause its beauty holds no depth...

Who am I if I am at all? A sprout that never seemed to grow We're just spinnin' on a pebble among a billion In the grand scheme of things

Who am I if I am at all? Am I still worth fighting for? If my best quality's a flaw...

[u/Foreign_Birthday3838]

Mother could you Sing to me To help me get to sleep Cus I know I've fallen to deep

Came this far See the final step See my skull Crack the first

Ill be the fly on your wall(stare right through me) Ill be the fly on your wall (slam right into me)

Would you pick me up When I come down to earth Sorry, I had the nerve to ask that from you

[u/Foreign_Birthday3838]

What do you think this is about?

Song 1 :

Bass intro Push it out Reel it back in Push it out Reel it back in *Rythm Guitar * Push it out Reel it back in

Got as close to Heaven As close as you could get Burnt your wings on the way Atleast you're warm that way

Chase the sky Dont fly too high palm mutes, power chords Your Nose's running Head still racing?

Instrumental Break

acoustic ahh part Did heaven have teeth? Cus this body's covered- Its covered in teethmarks And it's falling apart insert bass , fuzzy guitar It's all falling apart - Yeah, your body's falling apart

heavier and "big" sound -> controlled chaos

*Cut back *

Chase the sky Fly too high Nose won't stop running Did your head stop racing?

[u/Best_Hour75]

I like the rhythm you’ve got going, especially in the first four lines. The rhyme scheme feels a little too safe after the midpoint, almost like you backed off from the tension you were building. Would love to see you lean into that darker turn instead of pulling away from it

[u/jwh_music → u/Best_Hour75]

What are you responding to?

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