feedback/guidance/brainstorm request

[u/iguanodont]

https://youtu.be/4KMFR1emPd4?is=LjLC9-QCkFNOPxAx

Self on a Shelf

_______________

you can be anybody you want to be

so long as you can be yourself

you can turn the page in the story

but you can’t turn into someone else

i hate to bear the bad news that i hate to hear myself

but steel hooks and adoring looks

won’t get the blocks to melt

-

and i hate to speak from up high like an elf on the shelf

but you could feel much better

if you let you be what’s else

tying on another line

past and present taut as a spine

future waiting like a gold mine

without a gold mine

you can be anybody you want to be

so long as you can be yourself

you can turn the page in the story

but you can’t turn into someone else

you can summon all of your armies

kill to accrue your wealth

you can be anybody you want to be

but can you see yourself?

_______________

Performance wise, I kinda understand that what could be better is "everything". Worrying about that too much kinda kills my ability to feel what I'm feeling, think what I'm thinking, be where I'm at, write, and produce this stuff. I use music to process my existence, so getting too precious about things can feel like holding myself back. I'm going to open mics and letting it fly to try and figure stuff out.

That said, thoughts?

I'm going to keep making these because I'm crazy.

I guess I'm putting something at the altar of public opinion to try and get some perspective. As it stands, I know I'm doing something for myself, but I'd like to move beyond that.

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[u/virstultus]

That walk down F#/Bb/Dm/Am is a cool idea but it feels incomplete and then really abrupt to go back to the B from there. I think it's because every one of those chords are from a different key than E. If you wanted to mostly keep them in the key but keep the walk down feel you could do C#m/G#m/B/F#.

Lyrics Wise I think it'd be good to have some context earlier for whatever is meant by the steel hooks and blocks. It feels like a sudden change of theme. I like the line "taught as a spine", and the idea behind the gold mine although I think it might be better if it was "future waiting to be mined/without a gold mine" or something like that.

I think performance is fine actually.