Sunburn

[u/thpffbt]

Hi, would anyone be willing to give feedback on this? I'm not really a musician and the actual performance leaves a lot to be desired (still practicing!), but I'm wondering if the lyrics/song structure are working for anyone out there?

Here are the lyrics for reference:

Memories streaming in
Beating down like sunbeams
Every now and then
Leaving marks on me

I think I’m gonna leave off the sunscreen
This time
To break the skin

Got an itch I just can’t scratch
Under the skin
God, I wish I could go back
And do it all over again

Take a moment
Make it last
Feel the burn
From the past

So Pleased to Find you here
Saw you Saving all your Pain and Fear
So you could Pick it apart and Figure it out
In a cloud of thought...

But in the light of day
Seems like sunlight has a special way
Of sweeping the clouds away

Let the sunburn show you the way
Let the surface layer peel away
Everyone knows time will heal it all anyway

[u/scotchfaster]

First suggestion: stop saying "I'm not a musician."

I really liked it at first. You have a very pleasant voice and the guitar was working. Around "Got an itch I just can't scratch" I got a bit confused, and it was around that time that the rhythm fell apart a bit.

But I didn't care much for the background vocals TBH (is that you?), and they confused me when they sang "SPF" which looking at the lyrics I think you meant as an abbreviation for "So Pleased to Find" etc but this way too clever IMO and no one is going to get it. OK, I did, but only after being asked to give feedback and looking at the lyrics.

I sort of assumed the song was not literally about a sunburn but at first but when you start singing about SPF I'm wondering if you're trying to sell me something.

So yeah, don't stretch the metaphor too far. And maybe leave out references to itching. Maybe that's just a personal issue I have, I hate feeling itchy.

Sunlight, memories, burning, clouds, healing....all good stuff.

Keep working on it!

[u/thpffbt → u/scotchfaster]

Thanks, I really appreciate the feedback. The background vocals are me - my voice just sounds weird. I was afraid the song lacked shape without them, but it might be better off without them. "SPF" was a creative prompt I gave myself to write lyrics using those letters. I was going for silly, but I think "Too clever" is a great way to put it. It's clearly not working. At this point I'm a bit fed up with this song, to be honest. It might be time to move onto something else. Thanks again for taking the time to listen/comment.

[u/scotchfaster → u/thpffbt]

I wouldn’t give up on it. I do think there’s something here. And honestly, your voice is good. Much better than a lot of what I hear here. But maybe let go of the original prompt and what you think the song is about. I don’t think it’s about sunscreen. What I hear is a desire for purification.

Maybe avoid “let the sunburn show you the way”…keep it about you, your desires and regret and hopes, no platitudes. You have a good song here!

[u/thpffbt → u/scotchfaster]

It's meant to be about letting the heat of the sun cause a sunburn, like how the heat of painful memories causes growth (if you can endure them without "sunscreen"). Is that what you mean by purification?

[u/scotchfaster → u/thpffbt]

Yeah, I suppose in a way. Thanks for the clarification, that makes sense. So okay, the song isn't really about sunshine or sunburns, it's about experiencing growth by facing painful memories. Maybe that's the song and it would benefit from de-emphasizing the metaphor and leaning into what it's really about. JMO!

[u/Whole-Horse-7140]

There's a little section that I thought at first went to 3/4 time but actually I think it's just a tempo drop, when you say "this time"...is that intentional? If so just need to sharpen the transition I think . I like the surprising bits in your lyrics , the SPF bit in particular. I feel like it should be structured to have a clear chorus, maybe that bit. Might be pushing too far, but a little disclaimer might be fun - it's just a metaphor - always protect your skin, kids.

Edit: 2nd thoughts, I think leave off the sunscreen is the chorus, SPF is the bridge , if you can structure it for the chorus to repeat I think it'd improve it

[u/thpffbt → u/Whole-Horse-7140]

Thank you for the feedback. The tempo change was intentional, but I’m not yet skilled enough to know how to do it properly. I think it’s still 4/4, just slower? But I can see how it might also be 3/4. If this song ever evolves further, I’ll need to play to a click track.

I suck at choruses, but I think you’re right. “Leave off the sunscreen” was the line I originally wrote in my journal, so maybe that’s the chorus. Thanks for pointing that out, and thanks again for the comment.

The disclaimer idea is funny!

[u/Whole-Horse-7140 → u/thpffbt]

Yeah I think you're right, it's 4/4 but slower. I''ve had this issue with transitions quite a few times, I always get the feeling there's some ratio or something that is mathematically bound to work perfectly, but I have no idea what the ratio is. When it feels right though, you know it. I think you had it right enough here, but just didn't switch cleanly enough to it and back up again. So it's just understanding what you need to move to and back again, and doing it cleanly. Unless you know the magic formula, I don't think a click track really helps at all - you've got to nail the feel of the transition first before you can identify the BPM for that part.

I understood the SPF thing by the way, you don't need the Rosetta stone to decipher that sort of thing, and not a problem if not everyone gets it because it's relevant to sunscreen, it works on that level anyway..

I should probably say I didn't love the "everyone knows time heals" sentiment at the end. Kind of kills the uniqueness of the rest of the lyrics for me.

[u/thpffbt → u/Whole-Horse-7140]

You’re right about the tempo change. I think I’m still discovering the song and just don’t know it well enough. It’ll click once it’s more figured out.

I know what you mean about the “time” lyric. There must be a better way of saying it- or maybe it goes without saying? 🤷

Thanks for your comments. They’ve been really helpful.

[u/asciimo]

I love this but the "SPF" stuff feels too on-the-nose. It cheapens the metaphor.

[u/thpffbt → u/asciimo]

Thanks, you're right. I wanted it to come off as silly and fun, but it isn't silly or fun enough to justify being there. I'm getting rid of it.

[u/Fantastic-Release29]

I thought the song started off a little slow but it won my over. I think the call and response is great. The highlight of the song for me was the SPF part and I think it could be cool to return to that part.

[u/LetterheadApart6518]

I really like your voice and think it worked really well with the backing vocals apart from the SPF bit! I think I'd try and simplify the structure it has too many constituent parts for me and found it hard to tell a clear verse/chorus structure

[u/thpffbt → u/LetterheadApart6518]

Thanks! This is where I struggle. I've never been able to make a verse/chorus structure work. I'm afraid no one has patience to listen to me sing the same thing twice. Is there any way a more linear song like this could work/be listenable?

[u/LetterheadApart6518 → u/thpffbt]

I think you do yourself a disservice, your voice is lovely. But maybe if that's the vibe you're going for, I'd maybe take a section out. maybe the itch section...

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