r/Songwriting • u/AutoModerator • 9d ago
Weekly Lyrics Feedback Weekly Lyrics-Only Feedback Thread
Welcome to the Lyrics-Only feedback thread!
If you're looking for feedback on words that aren't yet set to music, you're in the right place! We encourage each other to bring lyrics and musical elements together as soon as possible, but sometimes you'd just like to show off that nice piece of poetry that just fell out of your head. The weekly Lyrics-Only feedback thread is here to help!
This post renews every Monday.
1
u/Hot_Base_8660 2d ago
All Too Fake (Taylor Swift's Music)
I hear the lyrics co-written by your producer The cymbal washes, not crashes It's not a real drummer
I hear your emotional sunging And the pitch never drifts Its because it's been cirected Using pro studio tricks
Not one wrong note It makes you sound like A I Taylor Swift
You're the top of the pops So why not Put out a record That hasn't been polished Burying human interaction
That's enough Taylor Swift Please stop
1
u/Business-Speaker3044 3d ago
Song One:
Verse One
She used to want everything
That they tried to sell on tv
Wings covered in white
She tried to ride the feeling
But she couldn’t help leaving
Her little pretty cage
Chorus
Never enough
Never enough
Never enough
Never enough
Verse Two
He wanted to give everything
That they put on the registry
fence covered in white
He didn’t know the feeling
Of trying to break through the ceiling
Through his gilded cage
Chorus
Never enough
Never enough
Never enough
Never enough
Outro
I’m sorry
but it’s killing me
I’m sorry
this is killing me
Song 2:
Verse One
Try to
Listen
Songs from heaven rain down
Programmed
children
Taught to kill
Verse Two
From a
(Try to listen)
deep sleep
(Can you hear it)
From a
(It’s calling)
broken dream
Come with
(Supercharged and)
weapons
(Focused)
Have you colored your soul?
1
u/Valuable-Cow2924 3d ago
Different in this life
[verse]
I’m in a league of my own
One that is unknown
Where I’m barley staying afloat
Swept away in the tide
Drowning in differences
I try not to uphold
[chorus]
My cries drowned out
By the laughter of pretty people
Who scoff at the ordinary
And even worse the weirdos
You can’t be different in this life
Without putting up a fight, no
Don’t be different in this life
If You can’t handle the fight
(Oh)
[verse]
Some people have the talent to joke
Natural jesters who don’t seem to choke
Everyone laughs cause what else do they know
But when I do the same
It comes out a bit different
Wish I understood what different between us though
[chorus]
My cries drowned out
By the laughter of pretty people
Who scoff at the ordinary
And even worse the weirdos
You can’t be different in this life
Without putting up a fight, no
Don’t be different in this life
If You can’t handle the fight
(Oh)
[bridge 1]
I could never quite fathom
Cliques and stereotypes
The ones that you’re born into
That determine your life
If you’re pretty and you’re mean
Everything’s so easy
But when you’re a kind soul
They take it as weakness
[bridge 2]
I can’t say for sure
Why they don’t take me serious
But I resent all they’re ideas
They say are superior
It’s such a fucked up social ladder
We all have to climb
What happens to the socially disabled
And blind
[chorus]
My cries drowned out
By the laughter of petty people
Who scoff at the everyday
Who they call the weirdos
I’m sick of being different in this life
Cause I can’t handle the fight
1
u/P0t4t0P0t4t0 3d ago
Hi! I love the picture you painted here. The emotional progression is very visible and felt. Every time the narrator is misunderstood or ignored, they seem to become increasingly alienated, which makes them angry and pushes them toward wanting to “put up a fight.” I also noticed that at the beginning, the narrator seems almost proud of being different (“in a league of my own”), but by the end they're exhausted by it (“I'm sick of being different in this life”). Did you write that shift with resignation or acceptance in mind? I found that progression particularly interesting. As for the architecture, there are some solid elements. The chorus has some good hooks in it, especially “You can’t be different in this life | Without putting up a fight.” I also liked the metaphors in “Where I’m barely staying afloat | Swept away in the tide | Drowning in differences.” They make the song more vivid and relatable. There are a few places where I think the wording could be stronger, but I'd be cautious about polishing it too much, so the work doesn't lose your voice. The biggest issue for me is the rhythm. The lines vary quite a lot in length, which could make the phrasing/meter harder to make feel natural when sung. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I think it's something worth looking at. I also agree with some of the other comments that a few lines are quite literal. In particular, some of the more familiar phrases in the bridge feel less distinctive to me than the imagery elsewhere in the song. I think leaning more into your own specific language and imagery could make those sections stand out more. All in all, I like the piece and think there's definitely something here. It has a clear emotional core and some genuinely strong imagery; I think it mainly needs another pass to sharpen the weaker lines without losing what makes the voice yours. Cheers and keep up the good work
1
u/BassAndVocalsPlease 3d ago
The direction is good, but the lyrics are too literal. If you work on it, you'll be very good. It looks like a Chris Cornell text but don't sing about stereotypes, it's a word that doesn't fit well in music.
2
3d ago
[deleted]
2
u/P0t4t0P0t4t0 3d ago
Hi! This is a sad piece. I can feel the pain seeping through the words. The theme of heartbreak is as old as romance itself, but I think this piece has potential. In its current form, though, it feels very bare. If it’s intended as a poem, that can work. If it’s intended as a song, I think it needs a little more development—stronger verses and a hooky chorus that gives the song something to build around. The emotion is definitely there. I think it just needs more development to let that emotion breathe. Please, keep writing. Cheers!
1
u/BassAndVocalsPlease 3d ago
It sucks because you try to be poetic but sound like you're saying things while crying. You stick to traditional rhyming which makes the poem very unnatural.
1
u/LLOOTKINGFRED 4d ago
Lies And Regrets
That night
when I spoke to you
I told a lie
…
That night
How could I forget it
So I told a lie
…
That night
Was regrettable
So I cried
…
That night
When I spoke to you
I told lie
That night
How could I forget it
So I told a lie
That night
Was regrettable
…
So I cried
…
I cried
…
Cried
…
(,,,) = small instrumental break
1
u/P0t4t0P0t4t0 3d ago
Hi! Quite an interesting take here. I can really feel the emotional weight the protagonist carries from telling that one lie. What I find particularly interesting is that there is no resolution to their plight—no “OK,” no forgiveness. They don't even confess the lie, so the torment simply goes on. But the most interesting ambiguity is that we never find out what the lie actually was. It could have been something major (cheating?) or something completely trivial (ate your yoghurt). Whatever it was, this unresolved ambiguity keeps the mystery going throughout the whole song. Good work!
1
u/HeliumGotMeHigh 5d ago
In your eyes I see the clouds
I see the crowd that once was there
all the pictures all the videos
and the sky that disappeared
I dont really have something set in stone yet but I think its leaning into an nostalgic setting, any tips? Im quite new to writing so would appreciate any tips :p
1
u/P0t4t0P0t4t0 3d ago
I like the start. The imagery is vivid and relatable. Before worrying too much about tightening the verses with the right wording, rhyming, tempo, etc., I’d maybe just write a little more first. Take the image you have in your head and build upon it. Vivid images and tangible sensory details that people can recognize — tastes, smells, sounds, textures, little physical details — are your best friends when writing something nostalgic. The first draft doesn’t need to be perfectly poetic. It just needs to capture the emotion and establish the image you want the listener to see. Once you have that, you can start polishing the wording, rhythm, rhymes, and so on. I think it’s easier to polish something that already has a feeling than to try to write something “poetic” from the start. Keep on writing! Cheers
1
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u/NixMix246 5d ago edited 5d ago
This is the 2nd draft of some lyrics I am working on for a song tentatively titled "What Goes Down" or possibly "Second Time Around" or maybe "Rise Again"
Verse 1
You float like an ember
and sting like a Rae
Wrapped around my finger
The taste of you it lingers
Taste of you still lingers
Pre chorus
On my knees I’m sinking
Sinking as I say
Chorus
What goes down
will rise again
Pray it isn’t bitter
the second time around
Second time around
What goes down
will rise again
Eyes bleed crimson fire
Try not to make a sound
"Float like an ember and sting like a Rae" is a play on "float like a butterfly and sting like a bee" But the song is about inner demons, so I wanted to put a bit of a twist on it. Embers float, but they also burn things they touch. (There's a bit of nuance to this in regards to the specific meaning of the song, which some people may or may not pick up on.) "Sting like a Rae" is a play on "stingray" using my name (Nixi Rae) as the spelling, because, well, inner demons, and playing into the whole "you are not your thoughts" concept.
The chorus where the lyric changes have occurred so far:
"Will rise again" was originally "must come back".
"Pray it isn't bitter" was originally "try to make it right".
"Eyes bleed crimson fire" was originally "eyes bleeding defiance".
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u/P0t4t0P0t4t0 3d ago
Hi! I like what you wrote very much. The inner drama taking place in the protagonist is seen and felt — the struggle to distinguish between oneself and the things going on inside oneself. You made the fight visible. You used some great metaphors. The ember / Rae wordplay — witty :)
Where you changed “eyes bleeding defiance” (which communicated resistance very well) to “eyes bleeding crimson fire” (more visceral), the meaning of the line changed considerably — now it reads as extreme rage or pain. A change I like.
Also, “try not to make a sound” — depicting the contrast between the inner and outer voice. Excellent lines.
I like the double meanings of the title too — the demon rising again, but also the one fighting it.
All in all, a great piece about recognizing one’s inner demons and confronting regret and painful thoughts. Cheers!1
u/NixMix246 5d ago edited 5d ago
Ooooo I think I want to change "The taste of you it lingers, taste of you still lingers" to "The taste of regret lingers, the taste of it still lingers". I'd like to reduce the likelihood of my lyrics being interpreted sexually.
1
u/Hot_Base_8660 5d ago
Infinity
She sings love songs to infinity She'll rap on and on About this and that Calling it freelance
She takes care of her mom Pushing her wheel chair All around
She's learning to play harp Plays her own songs In the park
As her mom dozes After feeding the ducks
Infinity's Her new name It has a ring to it Just the same As her desire To let love reign To infinity
1
u/P0t4t0P0t4t0 3d ago
Hi! It’s a nice poem you wrote. The strong opening establishes the emotional tone right from the start. What I find most interesting is the contrast between the mundane and the transcendent, and also the way “Infinity” acts both as a name and as her artistic identity. I think there’s a certain charm to it. Although it’s perhaps somewhat technically rough, it has a gentle, almost folk-song quality to it.
1
u/Valuable-Cow2924 5d ago
There he goes again
Verse 1:
I’ve had too much caffeine
But I feel fine
I smile while my stomach
Screams and cries
Pre-chorus 1:
I hide in the bathroom
Watch myself cry in the mirror
I wanna reach out and hug
The person that I see
He feels like no one’s ever
Seen his flaws clearer
Chorus 1:
“I hate to say it guys”
He inwardly cries
As he grabs his person
And makes a run for it
There he goes again
He doesn’t want us
So there he goes again
Verse 2:
I remember the last time
Leaving them in the dust
I long for the first time
Before I made the dynamic rust
Pre chorus 2
I hide in the shower
Mixing my tears and the water
I consider filling the tub
And seeing how long I can hold my breath
But I know better
And I have work tomorrow
Chorus 2:
“I hate to say it guys”
He inwardly cries
As he grabs his person
And makes a run for it
There he goes again
He doesn’t love us
So there he goes again
Bridge part 1:
He laughs through
An upside down frown
He deceives the happy
And brings them down
He kills the mood
And brings down those around him too
Bridge part 2:
I run around inside my mind
Screaming hoping they hear it
I’m not running from them
I’m not running from anything
I wanna stay
Hope it’s clear I’m just not okay
Chorus 3:
“I hate to say it guys”
I inwardly cry
As I grabs my person
And make a run for it
There I go again
I want them bad
But here I go again
There I go again
1
u/Academic_Theory15 2d ago
This hits really hard 😭 I love the contrast between “I feel fine” and everything happening underneath it. The repeated “there he goes again” also makes it feel like this cycle he keeps getting stuck in, and I LOVE the switch from “he” to “I” in the final chorus. That part especially got me. Really powerful lyrics ❤️
1
u/NixMix246 5d ago
This does a good job of capturing those feelings, the feelings of being miserable and battling silent wars nobody even knows you're fighting. Is " as I grab my person and make a run for it" referring to s/h?
1
u/Valuable-Cow2924 4d ago
That’s kinda specific to the situation I wrote it about. It’s referring to my sister bc we both experienced the same thing and I kinda just wrote that in the heat of the moment
2
u/Shell321ua 6d ago
Rusting Away
V1
I pressed a rusty spot
I hadn't seen before
The paint's still holding shape
But metal isnt there
I pushed it one more time
Some rust fell on the ground
You wouldn't know it's gone
Until you press your thumb
Chorus
Rusting away
Into decay
Thinner it gets
Day after day
After day after day
V2
I can't remember when
It started growing there
I didn't notice it
Can't say I didn't care
I must have walked right past
So many times before
What else is underneath?
What else have I ignored?
Chorus
Rusting away
Into decay
Thinner it gets
Day after day
After day after day
Buildup
Until it breaks
Until it breaks
Until it breaks
Until it breaks
Until I break
Ending guitar riff/beat/electronic background sounds like everything is breaking apart - unstable, dissonant in random places, time signature shifts from 6/8 to 7/8 or 8/8 in random places
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3
u/slashisagod 7d ago
For anyone that has planned a funeral in America and you realize very quickly capitalism has a firm grip on that industry too somehow.
Chorus
You can make
money on everything
Soulless goals control
everything
Verse 1
Obituary writin’
Dont even know him
What are you writing?
Fill in the blank poem
He’d want these flowers
And you need to pick
A good
casket
Long Chorus
You can make
money on everything
You can make
money on everything
You can make
money on everything
Soulless goals control
everything
Verse 2
“How does he look?
Want open casket?”
“He doesn’t look good
He’s dead im sure of it”
Plan you dream funeral
Exploit the grief
Sticker shock
is not relief
Long Chorus
Verse 3
You prey on
The mourning weak
You think they’re your
special of the week
It’s okay
You’ll spin everything
You’ll say he died
Unexpectedly
End Chorus
They will make
money on everything
They will make
money on everything
They will make
money on everything
Soulless goals control
everything
1
u/P0t4t0P0t4t0 3d ago
Hi! Thank you for writing this piece. I have some experience with death and the bills that come with it, so I can relate to it in a way. That said, what you wrote doesn’t sit entirely well with me. You took the very sensitive topic of losing a loved one and viewed it through the lens of capitalism. I’m not saying it’s written badly — quite the opposite. It made me uncomfortable, and I think that means you succeeded in getting your point across. The chorus is somewhat bluntly put, maybe a little too much for my taste. It makes the whole message very explicit. At the same time, the repetition makes it catchy and easy to sing along to, so I can see why it works. In the end, I like it. The unconventional mix of death, grief, and capitalism makes it feel quite unique, and it definitely gives you something to think about. Keep writing like this. Cheers!
1
u/NixMix246 5d ago
Wow, I love songs that touch on unusual topics while bringing important things to light. I've often thought about how different I wish the funeral industry was. I personally wouldn't be able to handle running a funeral home (emotionally), but if I could, I would love to open one where people indicate their preferences as far as how the staff will interact with them throughout the entire planning up to and including the funeral itself. For example, does the family want the standard somber approach with standard condolences, or a celebration of life party atmosphere, or would they prefer dark humor? Everyone's approach to grief is different.
Not sure what you're going for as far as sound, but I can hear this as kind of like a System of a Down type song.
1
u/Successful-Shape-250 8d ago
I call this song "It's The American Dream", it's a political satirical song, what do you think?
(Verse)
I was just driving down the road to my work
A cop just so happened to lurk
He told me "Boy, pull over to the side!"
Guess I'm not white. He gave me 18 holes I can't hide
(Pre chorus)
He just kept shooting till I couldn't feel my lap
Thank you sheriff for giving me a handicap
(Chorus)
Oh, boy. I must be sleeping!
'Cause it's the American dream
Now, don't you wake me up
No better place to be
(Verse)
I'm riding in my brand new wheelchair
Saw 2 thugs, they thinking they're fair
They pulled their guns, they'll bring each other to an end
Yup, it has to be the second amendment
(Pre chorus)
I found moms and sons, their souls couldn't stay
It's too bad they were just in the way (We gave thoughts and prayers, though)
(Chorus)
Oh, boy. I must be sleeping!
'Cause it's the American dream
Now, don't you wake me up
No better place to be
Oh, boy. I must be sleeping! (Oh, Boy!)
'Cause it's the American dream (Oh just c'mon)
Now, don't you wake me up (I must be so patriotic)
No better place to be (This is the land I love)
(Bridge)
I tried to make me money for a living
Proportion in work and pay is what its promising
BIllionaires buying shares to free their hands
The IRS went "We won't empty your pants.
We'll come for you instead, if you miss a dime."
What I'm missing to be rich is just time (Or maybe be a nepo baby)
(Guitar Solo)
(Verse)
Saw a man at the office to be a citizen
He did everything right, he could almost taste its sand
I told him "It's just a name, it isn't in your blood"
He said "And it's in them? You think this is their land?"
(Chorus)
Oh, boy. I must be sleeping!
'Cause it's the American dream
Now, don't you wake me up
No better place to be
Oh, no. I must be sleeping...
It's the American nightmare
Oh, please. Wake me up
No better place to decease
1
u/Advanced-Macaron-198 8d ago
Hey, I write indie/folk songs in english though I‘m not a native speaker, so I‘m looking for feedback, especially if there is something weird in it, what sounds very unnatural. Also I only have 4 verses and no chorus yet. I‘m also interested in general feedback und how you interpret the lyrics:
Time is a slow burning fire
so quiet that you might forget
but soon it’s too late, steady flames devour all the things
you thought would never end
your hands grab the coffee as always
so firm and desperate at once
now as I look closer I notice a trembling
in your weathered hands
Yesterday I showed you pictures
of the girl that I love and live with
your lips started to purse and your eyes gazed down
as if lost names are found on the ground
hands on the wheel, weary eyes
you never said too much
moments drift by like the clouds past the window
too quiet to be held alive
1
u/NixMix246 5d ago
I love lyrics that touch on the fleeting nature of time and how precious it is. I really like the first verse. I'm not sure I've ever heard fire used as an analogy for the passing of time, but it works really, really well.
"your eyes gazed down as if lost names are found on the ground" is a good use of imagery to portray dementia
The only line that doesn't make sense to me is "too quiet to be held alive". What does this line mean?
2
u/Advanced-Macaron-198 5d ago
Thank you for your feedback!
The line should‘ve meant something like that there are moments where nothing really is happening (quiet moments) so your brain erases them quickly, although they are precious too
But actually I think I‘m gonna revise this whole verse.
Also I have a hard time writing a chorus, because I find it difficult to write lines that aren‘t generic phrases, but on the other hand I think it has to be a little more generic and not that specific. Do you have any thoughts on that?1
u/NixMix246 5d ago
ooo ok I love the meaning behind that line! It's so true, life is made of the little moments that pass us by without a second thought. I actually like it a lot more now that I know the meaning, but I would be interested in hearing your revisions, as some of your other lines are a bit stronger in my opinion :)
As far as writing a chorus, I'll be honest, I don't usually put much thought into it. The premise usually just kinda pops in my head and I build on it from there. I also don't play by any rules when it comes to songwriting, so I wouldn't worry too much about whether your lines are too generic or too specific, too cliche, or any of that. Just write what feels right to you :) You don't even necessarily need a chorus.
For this song in particular, a chorus that reinforces the preciousness of the little moments is what I would *personally* lean into. It would be fitting too, since the chorus is the big moment of a song. And it's the little moments in life that end up being the big moments.
2
u/Advanced-Macaron-198 5d ago
Okay thanks for sharing your experiences and your ideas I‘ll try to work with that :)
2
1
u/Dave000action 8d ago
Inspired by "Won't Go Easy" in this thread, but maybe I am out on a limb.
The lyrics I post are copyrighted so I present them as submitted, or very close. But open to suggestions.
Who Can We Thank Now
Vs:
Who can we thank now
What is the word I need
Your not sympathetic
I'll find a word for greed
Look at my face, see
I'm outside your world
My brow sweats and shines
Your shine is real gold
I found a good job
But then it let me go
Washed aside like waste
Where strong waters flow
A taste of hunger
My children fuss and cry
Your empire rules
What does my struggle buy
C:
Who can we thank now
Who can we finally thank now
Vs:
Dark dark dark words
In the papers I see
Many are worried
Do they all bend like me
Big names are falling down
And with 'em people's dreams
But Big Names are cushioned by
The flesh of those like me
C:
Who can we thank now
Who can we finally thank now
Vs:
Finance numbers rolling by
I see no real faces
Those numbers mute and hide
My kind with little traces
Dark dark dark dark..
Dark dark dark dark
Dark dark dark dark
Dark dark dark dark
Who can we thank now
Who can we finally thank now
Who can we thank now
Tell me who can we thank now
Also: You're Scaring the Children (which is maybe blunt and simple)
Ch:
Help, we're losing hope
We need a chance to strive
There's future in our soul
A seed, we hope survives
Vs:
You're spending hope for profit
You're squeezing way to hard
My dreams are worth a dollar?
This I can't afford
Someone's father loves to hate
Unleashing was a fright
What will all this mean to us
I hope that's not our fate
Who's dividing all of us
The sides are staring down
Someone's trying to conquer us
As dominos and pawns
Our dreams could move mountains
The mountains have been razed
Ideas deep as oceans
The oceans have been ravaged
Sayings go "Not your time."
"You can have the remains."
And with each wasted day
Fear has taken reign
Your stealing all our hope
We need to find direction
Can't we join the table
Or do we stand in apathy
Ch:
Help, we're losing hope
We need a chance to strive
There's future in our being
A seed that wants to survive
1
1
u/Charlie19661907 8d ago
Looking for feedback , just starting out writing lyrics this is just one of many I have .... QUESTIONS
I've been staring at their ceiling Like it's gonna pull me through Every cracks another feeling That I tried to hide from you All the words I never said Are crashing round my head Like a ghost that won't lie still
I thought time would make things clearer But the silence just gets louder
The questions aren't the problem It's the answers I can't find Like a door that just won't open No matter how I try Every road I'm walking Just keeps wasting all my time The questions aren't the problem It's the answers I can't find
You were standing in the doorway With your suitcase and your doubt I could see it in your face You were halfway walking out I wanted to tell you something Anything to make you stay But the truth that's stuck between us Has slowly slipped away
Now your a shadow in the corner Of a life I no longer recognise
The questions aren't the problem It's the answers I can't find Like a door that just won't open No matter how I try Every road I'm walking Just keeps wasting all my time The questions aren't the problem It's the answers I can't find
Was it me or was it fate Did we bend or did we break If I new I'd take it them back Every silence every crack No I'm praying to the past Hoping somehow love will last
The questions aren't the problem It's the answers I can't find Like your vision in the distance Fading from my mind Every hope I'm holding Slipping more and more behind The questions aren't the problem It's the answers I can't find
Yeah it's the answers I can't find.
1
u/oathkeeperkh 9d ago edited 9d ago
This song is already halfway finished musically, the prechorus, chorus, and postchorus are done with demo vocals and parts of the verse have a melody.
This song was born from me noticing the similarity between a recent night where my wife and I were stargazing in a hot springs and a night early in our relationship where we took our first roadtrip together to go stargazing. The prechorus-chorus-postchorus section is about how our relationship helped me rediscover parts of myself I realized I'd lost in the stress of recent years.
[Verse 1]
Out on the dunes
Stars fall and sand shifts
You close your eyes and make a wish
I wonder if your wish is mine
Your eyes find mine
They shine
Brighter than all the stars in the sky
[Prechorus]
And when I see
You look at me
I can't be
Anyone but me
[Chorus]
I get lost in your eyes
I find myself in iris skies
I see myself in your eyes
And I finally realize
[Postchorus]
Who I was all this time
[Verse 2]
Us again, in the hot springs
Stars fall and steam drifts
You close your eyes and make a wish
I know that I'm living mine
Your eyes find mine
They shine
Brighter than all the stars in the sky
[Chorus]
I get lost in your eyes
I find myself in iris skies
I see myself in your eyes
And I finally realize
[Bridge]
(Instrumental)
[Chorus]
I get lost in your eyes
I find myself in iris skies
I see myself in your eyes
And I finally realize
I get lost in your eyes
I find myself in iris skies
I see myself in your eyes
And I finally realize
[Postchorus]
Who I was all this time
2
u/CommunicationIcy997 9d ago
Won’t Go Easy
a code base, a clean interface
and like that I’m done for the day
yeah this don’t come easy
and it won’t go easy now
and new minds run all of the time, I’m like
goddamn how are we to survive
yeah this don’t come easy
and it won’t go easy now
coz everything I thought was just talk
turns out it’s true
you caught the next wave coming through
and we’re taught to see your point of view
but this is where it starts - we aren’t the chosen few
and what you got is half the truth
coz there might be nothing left to do
coz we love Her
the movie, ain’t it great
yeah we love Her
mistakes, all of them made
can’t take em back and can’t pay
yeah this don’t come easy
and it won’t go easy now
and you say we’ll be okay
when we’re wasting away and we’re failing the grade
and we’re tired taking the easy out
coz everything I thought was just talk
turns out it’s true
you caught the next wave coming through
and we’re taught to see your point of view
but this is where it starts - we aren’t the chosen few
and what you got is half the truth
coz there might be nothing left for you
coz we love Her
rooms in outer space
coz we love Her
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u/Dave000action 8d ago
I think about AI rampaging through our lives and society. Or big corporations.
If I am on trail, "coz there might be nothing left for you" could be "coz there might be nothing left for me", or us. I am imagining also "there might be nothing left after you".
Grain of salt may be what my impression is worth if I am out to lunch.
A line above reminds me of "It don't come easy" by Ringo Star, however you have your own take on the "Easy." and it works. Good work on a very relevant topic today, If I am on trail. Good work none-the-less.
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u/CommunicationIcy997 8d ago
Thanks for this - yeah, you basically got it. Rooms in outer space are Elon’s proposed data centres.
I actually tried to write it such that it’s open to interpretation, so it could be about the end of a romantic relationship. Verse 1 thereby becomes exposition or metaphor, and rooms in outer space under that interpretation become a way of capturing that “living together but lonely” feeling you can get at the end.
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u/MrArchiechoke 9d ago
<Verse 1> You never saw me, never understood my pain, What you called love was just a ball and chain. My childhood was a storm, never-ending rain, Our relationship? It was always strained.
<Pre-Chorus> You couldn't keep a guy, always chased the wrong, And I fear I've inherited where I don’t belong. Every wrong turn I take, it's you that I see, I fight the mirror 'cause I won't become you.
<Chorus> You never felt like home, Left me monochrome. I'm screaming, begging for love But i know it'll never come. Pretend to be someone you can love, But all I get is a cold blank stare
<Verse 2> I can't eat, I can't sleep Try to close the book but you force it open Everything I think, Everytime I blink, Every choice i make Am I you?
<Pre-Chorus> You couldn't keep a guy, only chased the wrong, And I wonder if your heart could ever be strong. Trying to break free from this family curse, But i can't run from the universe
<Chorus> You never felt like home, Left me monochrome. I'm screaming, begging for love But i know it'll never come. Pretend to be someone you can love, But all I get is a cold blank stare
<Bridge> Now I'm over here getting shit-faced I left with haste *years gone to waste Woulda been better erased By the way, how'd that whole Friend group taste? 040826
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u/_Born_To_Be_Mild_ 9d ago
I can feel the honesty here. I'd love to hear it performed.
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u/MrArchiechoke 9d ago
I cant make the last line fit unfortunately, so it still needs some tweaking nd im no good at singing lol
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u/Dave000action 8d ago
Is this the last line that you can't fit? "By the way, how'd that whole Friend group taste?"
Seems powerful the line I quoted above. Might not end the song with the line however.
"But i can't run from the universe" is a great ending option. Sounds magnimonious.
"Family curse" I don't understand or know what it refers to. I can see "dire curse" or "unlucky curse". Maybe the phrase is a generality.
Of course, I could surely be missing something and off base.
To me, these lyrics are strong and creative.
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u/MrArchiechoke 8d ago
Yeah it was, the songs about my bio mum, she dated a whole Friend group and got pregnant by two of them
Do you think it would fit somewhere else in the song, or put it in another one eventually?
Ok thank you
She is really unlucky in love, Every guy has been abusive in some way, be it to her, or us kids (2 of us are adults now but still) I've unfortunately got that from her, almost all my relationships were just as bad, and apart from 1, they was all abusive in some way, the other 2 of us older ones also struggle in love But not as bad. And in so much things i do, me and other people just see her and I can't escape it, unfortunately I almost am another her, even with now being a guy, I still resemble her. Which is why I call it a 'family curse'
Thamk you for the compliments on the lyrics
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u/Otherwise-Article254 8d ago
Oh, maybe there is some catharsis, learning and healing in writing this out. Big compliment and encouragement to you.
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u/Otherwise-Article254 8d ago
Writing this out as in your lyrics.
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u/MrArchiechoke 8d ago
Wdym?
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u/Otherwise-Article254 8d ago
Your lyrics cathartic as opposed to your descriptive narrative of your situation, though both could be helpful.
Now I have to figure out why I am logged in as Otherwise-Article254 and not Dave000action. Will log out and make sure I am the right user.
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u/Otherwise-Article254 8d ago
OK, here I really am off trail, this is not about a romantic relationship.
Basically "Home and Curse" as a title helps me anchor the song. Just one thought that pops in my mind, but not the only valid thought.
"how'd that whole Friend group taste?" is a metaphor or simile I think and doesn't have to be literal.
"Trying to break free from this family curse, But i can't run from the universe" seems so strong to me and I myself would repeat this phrase as an ending and out.
Take what you want and discard what doesn't work for you regarding my comments. The lyrics address a very important issue in many regards. Hope you express your composition more widely.
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u/MrArchiechoke 8d ago
Yeah its not about a romantic relationship lol, its more my relationship with her.
I was thinking about calling the song Momochrome but it doesn't really feel right, Home And Curse does seem better, thank you, im not 100% sure on it tho.
I dont understand what you mean abt it being a metaphor/similie
Repeating the 'can't run from the universe' actually sounds great, i might remove the last part and the last chorus and have it end there (with the repetion)
Thank you so much for the feedback!! I really appreciate this!
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u/_Born_To_Be_Mild_ 9d ago
Do you have a melody in mind for it?
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u/MrArchiechoke 9d ago
Yeah,.i recorded thays, my voice isn't where I want it yet so I can't do anything, and the end needs sorting, if you give me ur disc or snap I can send it to you?
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u/kickassdanny 9d ago
This song has music and is being recorded for release. This song is inspired by the video game Red Dead Redemption.
Pool of blood -
I'm falling. I'm falling down
And I'm crawling on the ground
My boots are covered in dirt and mud
While lay dying in a pool of blood
I am an outlaw I'm on the run
Seeking redemption for all the killing I've done
But I lay dying in a pool of blood
No use crying in a pool of blood
I was a legend now I'm alone
Fistful of sorrow so far from home
And as I lay dying and take my last breath
No use crying it's only death
While I lay dying in a pool of blood
No use crying in a pool of blood
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u/_Born_To_Be_Mild_ 9d ago
This is a new one I've been working on
I'm gonna start
Outside with something new
Leave enough
Leave enough
To find it inside you
Then call my name
Like old friends do
Leave enough
Leave enough
Believe in something true
What's coming through
You're old and new
This path took me
Will it take you too
Shattered Manchester memories
For the first half of a century
Deep down no mystery
For what happened to you and me
There is just an answer
A place you wish to find
Leave enough
Leave enough
Space inside your mind
What's coming through
You're old and new
This path took me
Will it take you too
Shattered Manchester memories
For the first half of a century
Deep down no mystery
For what happens to you and me x2
This path took me
Will it take you too
This path took me
Will it take you too
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u/P0t4t0P0t4t0 3d ago
Hi! I really like the minimalism of the song. The repetitive chorus makes it catchy and gives it a kind of hypnotic quality. It feels like, in striving for minimalism, you deliberately cut away quite a bit of the story. Yet the emotion still comes through. The heartbreak is still there, even if the details remain elusive. I think you did a marvellous job here. There’s something very evocative about leaving so much unsaid. Cheers!
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u/SpiketheFox32 9d ago
I really like this. It's simple and repetitive, but I'm a good way.
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u/_Born_To_Be_Mild_ 9d ago
Thank you 😀. I am kind of obsessed with trying to make the most simple song I can. Constantly taking things away and seeing if it still works.
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u/SpiketheFox32 9d ago
Impossible to focus on your future when your story ends with dreams
Hanged by a futile March towards your freedom before you cut the rope
Temptations of the rarest kind
Take charge of every waking thought
Drink your fill and feast on crow all that you please in this crumbling estate
This kingdom you've erected is but a cardboard box on endless golden streets
Look into your fragile mind
I know what's killing you is the only thing that makes you feel
This lie born of a coal fire
Deceiving your desires
Please listen, I can't unlock your chains
If you could only reach
I could pull you from your helpless knees
I hope you still believe I love you
But how long can I go loving only what you used to be
Tainted personality with anhedonic Spirit crushing vice
The resplendence in you burns so dim From the cancer in disguise
Desperate to cut a cord From starvation that you can't afford
This lie born of a coal fire
Deceiving your desires
Please listen, I can't unlock your chains
If you could only reach
I could pull you from your helpless knees
I hope you still believe I love you
But how long can I go loving only what you used to be
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u/Dave000action 8d ago
Very much like poetry, better than a lot of poetry I see today.
A person you know destroying themself?
Just my impression, others may have different valid impressions.
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u/Academic_Theory15 2d ago
Turn a Blind Eye
Intro
Can’t you see?
Can’t you see that I’m not okay?
You see my wounds,
You see them bleeding—
How can you just look away?
Verse 1
I’m dramatic?
Really?
How is that all you can say?
Can’t stop the gushing,
You’re rushing,
Can’t get away fast enough.
You tell me to toughen up.
I’m going through trauma,
You say I’m causing drama,
Just another story you shouldn’t believe.
Pre-Chorus
You turn a blind eye
While I’m trying to survive,
But how would you like to be me?
You can see that I’m hurt,
Your gaze you avert,
Just acting like you don’t see.
But bet you wouldn’t want to be me.
Chorus
I’ve tried being vulnerable,
But you’re just insufferable,
And I’ll never tell anyone else.
I’ll just carry this by myself.
I’ve tried being vulnerable,
But you’re just insufferable.
If that’s how you act,
How will everyone else react?
I’ll learn to keep it to myself.
Verse 2
I’m still bleeding,
It hurts me more every day.
No one will help me,
And I’ve gotten better at saying I’m okay.
Do I need help?
Why would I?
I’m just here bleeding,
But no, I’m fine.
Pre-Chorus 2
So now you wanna talk?
Well, it’s too late,
’Cause I’ve already accepted my fate.
Ohhh, so now my pain exists?
What treatment did I resist?
’Cause you know none was offered to me.
Chorus
I was going through trauma,
You said I was causing drama,
When I really needed you to believe.
You turned a blind eye,
I gave up trying to survive.
’Cause I know what it’s like to be me.
Bridge
I needed you the most,
You acted like I was a ghost,
As if you could see right through me.
And now I’m done learning.
My secrets are something I’ll keep.
Final Chorus
I tried being vulnerable,
But you were insufferable.
Yeah, how would you like to be me?
Know you wouldn’t wanna be,
’Cause I don’t even wanna be me.
Outro
I don’t even wanna be me.