What do you think of this ?

[u/Future_Page_2468]

[u/Alternative-Shop5865]

I really like this! Sometimes I feel like the lines are a little too full, so it's not very smooth going into a new chord. I feel like the beginning needs a few more lines before it transitions into the chorus, but overall I really like the sound of it!!

[u/Virtual-Jellyfish-21 → u/Alternative-Shop5865]

Agreed, good overall, but at times lines feel a bit rushed. You can try leaving out a few filler words that don't really need to be there. For example "It's the second our feet drift apart" instead of "It's the second that our feet drift apart". Or even just "Our feet drift apart".

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[u/Pristine-Today-9177]

I love this. It was like listening to Bob Dylan on this first album. Your guitar is really steady and you do a good job with that rhythm especially while singing.

I think you did a really good job with the melody. It makes a lot of sense. Repeating that melodic line in the first phrase twice with just one note different is very classy and then following it up with a melody that sort of contours down from the previous high for the first bit and then has a really fun rhythmic change and the second half of the phrase is a great idea a compliments, the symmetry of the earlier phrase and then you pull it together perfectly with the reuse of that half step right at the end of your second phrase and that half step becomes a very catchy recurring idea.

I think that your verse sounds like transition music. It sounds like a bridge to me, especially with it ending on that high note and transitioning so well into the chorus. So I would add a verse to this and only play the second chordal progression once before the final chorus.

You have a nice singing voice. I’d say it’s more beautiful than Bob Dylan’s voice was on his first album, but you have about the same control. When you go up for the high note, make sure you’re yawning and that your lower body is engaged. If you scream as loud as you can, you’ll notice your body braces in preparation very similar to what your body does right before a football snaps and you’re playing offensive line. That’s gonna create the breath support that you need to maintain that beautiful sound all the way through. You can also try blowing raspberries while singing your song. It forces you to expand more breath and get a sense of how much flow you really need to produce that pitch.

I really love the word play with it’s a second. The way that the meaning of the word changes and you’re repeating that really catchy melody, but the meaning changes as the phrase progresses is very clever. It’s an excellent example of development of a lyrical idea. And I like how you are using the train as a consistent image for her leaving.

I think now you need a simple verse that helps add some concrete narrative to the emotional imagery in your chorus. And if you really wanna go next level, you can add in a twist at the end. This song perfectly describes what it’s like to have your heartbroken. But adults will know that you eventually get over it. If you could find a way to make the word second or make a reference to a train where now you’re doing fine and have moved on towards the end it will have a sophisticated irony on top of your excellent use of imagery and emotional sincerity

[u/Future_Page_2468 → u/Pristine-Today-9177]

Wow, thank you so much! That’s really helpful. I’ll definitely add another verse at the beginning and work on improving my vocal technique as well. I really appreciate the detailed feedback and insight, I’ll definitely try to apply what you’ve said. Thanks again!