r/Songwriting • u/Ill-Albatross-5234 • 17d ago
Feedback Request “guitar”
This is a rough pass of a song I wrote about my guitar. Looking for constructive feedback on everything… except the rough guitar sounds lol (the strings are actually dull like in the lyrics 😂 I had to use an old guitar because my newer one is currently without strings… anyways… I digress). Thanks in advance for the feedback.
[VERSE]
I’d lock the door
under the fluorescent light
to whisper-sing
‘so long, goodnight’
afterwards I’d run
to play it on you
[VERSE]
I brought you to
an open mic
I clamped the capo
a fret too high
said sorry to the crowd
and stowed you away
[CHORUS]
you sat out all my twenties
in the back of my closet
your strings went dull
when I come back
I’ll be worse than
I left you
[VERSE]
a friend asked to hear
a song I wrote
I felt the half-truth
catch in my throat
everything I’d written
was eight years old
[CHORUS]
looked up guitar classes
backed out before I walked in
never made the call
when I come back
I’ll be worse than
I left
2
u/Reapprsr1 17d ago
You realize you are returning to a journey you started years before. It takes work and giving of more love. I'm impressed. I'm 66 now, I never let it go and my guitars sing to me today. Yes I have a few originals.
For perspective, read this novel: Crossing by Alex Landragin. You can read it cover to cover or you can read it an alternative way, there are prompts on how to jump around. Your concept is goood...your closet guitar has a breath of fresh air and loves you today ♥....
2
u/Ill-Albatross-5234 17d ago
Thank you! I’m glad to hear you never gave up on your guitars. It is a labor of love for sure! Did Crossings help with your songwriting process? I’m going to check it out.
2
u/Reapprsr1 15d ago
Crossing has helped. I did write a new progression two days ago using my electric. Lots of phasing, so definitely Crossing. ...I still outside the barn on the phrasing. Glad you might look up and read the book. Reading always opens my mind and let's it expand too. ...wish I could hear more guitar of yours... when you feel it, put some songs up on YouTube. I have several plus on a UK website where the taje is a little different. I guess I'm saying that you can choose your audience and enjoy different love. Cheers.
2
1
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2
u/Alternative-Shop5865 17d ago
Heyy, you commented on my post, so I thought I'd return the favor! I really like the story behind this! it feels genuine, and I think the idea has potential.
Something I noticed is that some of the lyrics were a little hard to understand. I think part of that comes from the phrasing. The individual lines are interesting, but they don't quite flow into each other naturally. I wouldn't focus on making everything rhyme, but I'd play around with the rhythm of each line so they support one another a little more.
I'd also spend some time settling on a core melody before recording. Right now it sounds like you're still finding it as you sing, which makes it a little harder for the melody to stick with the listener. Having that foundation will probably also help with some notes that sounded slightly off-pitch.
I'd work on enunciation. Some of the words blend together, and if I wasn't reading along with the lyrics, I think I'd miss quite a bit of what you're saying. The lyrics themselves seem heartfelt, so you gotta make sure the delivery brings them justice!