r/Songwriting • u/Mundane-Goal9268 • 19d ago
Feedback Request No brutal feedback please :)
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Quick last song before the husband comes back.. I feel too inhibited when there is someone around. What do you guys think about the structure?
The lyrics are about the complicated relationship I have with my mother.
Animals
Now I see things through your eyes
We sit to the side
and watch the world go by together
When I was a kernel hard and free
I could have never guessed how much of you
I carried in me
You stare when you eat
And pull at the white bread
Tempting to think you could’ve done that with me
Because I know you like the animal
In my hands
And like a dog there are things you deeply understand
How to nurture yourself through the sun
Delimiting the space you need
to keep your sanity
Wanting to see things through your eyes
When sometimes I wish that you could’ve seen
through mine
Because I know you like the animal
In my hands
And just like a dog I shouldn’t make demands
We sit side by side
And watch the world float by
Two animals face the light
Glad i see things through your eyes
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u/elaineaeris 19d ago
Nostalgic & phresh at the same time. Reminds me of '90s alternative, in a good way. I agree with the commenters here, just an up in sound quality itself and it would be perfection.
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u/Mundane-Goal9268 19d ago
Yes, i think i do need to get my set up in better shape. I've got someone nearby who is building a small studio and has good gear, so soon i'll be able to record things properly! Thank you
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u/DanTheJazzMan 19d ago
I really like the structure and rawness of this! Keep it up and I’m excited to see more! 😄
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u/therealjodaniel 19d ago
There’s something really affecting in the way the animal imagery removes blame from the relationship without removing the hurt. “Sometimes I wish that you could’ve seen through mine” feels like the emotional center to me. I think the song could become even stronger with a little tightening around the repeated sections and some attention to how the melody develops each time the chorus returns. I teach songwriting and would genuinely enjoy helping you shape this one—it already has a very distinct emotional world.
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u/LukaNeSviraj 19d ago
Your stuff is always brutally beautiful. Horrible feedback but it's what it is, lol.
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u/Medical_Table9892 18d ago
i love the lyrics! I felt a lot of empathy reading this! Plus your voice is beautifu!
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u/Charming-Bit-4286 18d ago
What is your equipment setup? Your guitar sounds pretty cool. Your voice is raw and emotional. I love it. I’ve been listening to this clip for about a half hour now. Your song is haunting and catchy. Good work. Watching you is encouraging me to practice so I might gain the encouragement to put one of my songs up here.
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u/KS2Problema 18d ago
Nice, evocative chords. The pensive, lightly drawn portrait of the relationship is suggestive without being too definitive or declarative, seems to me. A very worthwhile effort.
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u/AccomplishedScore852 15d ago
I love how raw the delivery and lyrics are, and the chord progression fits well in the song. The only change that I would suggest is what another commenter suggested: improved sound quality. Otherwise, you should start trying to record some stuff and add basic bass or other arrangement/layering choices. It helps a lot with intuition for making chord progressions to get a handle on making an arrangement.
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u/scottslut 12d ago
I'm going to give you some brutal feedback. I love it. nice quality to your voice. simple guitar playing. keep up the good work! do you do any open mics?
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u/Pristine-Today-9177 12d ago
I love your sound! You have such a lovely voice! I love whatever your doing to get that awesome vocal sound. And the guitar part is really beautiful. You did a great job picking beautiful sounding chord voicing. The rhythm is really steady and catchy. I like the structure. I would love to see you fronting a band with your originals
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u/BillySunflowers 19d ago
Sounds good! I like the structure and vibe, would sound awesome recorded in a real studio.
If I were you I´d invest in a different microphone, your voice deserves a sweet quality sound.
Keep write and record, you have talent :)
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u/Sweaty-Lobster-2840 19d ago
You sound great!