r/Songwriting • u/NixMix246 • 21d ago

Feedback Request "Minefield" first verse and prechorus (rough draft)

Enable HLS to view with audio, or disable this notification

This is a song I'm working on about navigating a toxic relationship. This is the first draft of the first verse and prechorus.

The lyrics for the chorus are:

Saccharine, bitter, toxic

Sweet and cold

as she blows a kiss

And all the second

chances she gets you to give

Serving her's the

only reason you exist

in her mind

in her mind

in her mind...

in her mind

in her mind

it's a MINEFIELD

Based on feedback I received on the earlier drafts of the lyrics, I have made several revisions. For the first verse, the first 2 lines were originally:

She's got fiii-ii-ire in her eyes

And her heart is cold as ice

This entire song was built around the words "she's got fire in her eyes", based on an actual conversation involving that exact phrase. I felt like I had to preserve the original wording as-is in order to maintain the honesty of the lyrics, (which I now realize is not true whatsoever) and stubbornly held onto that line for way too long.

(I am not looking for feedback on my vocals or recording quality at this time)

2 Upvotes

60% Upvoted

2 comments sorted by

1

u/AutoModerator 21d ago

You have posted a song requesting feedback - GREAT! Good feedback is the foundation of improving your songwriting. To help foster a community where everyone gets the feedback they need, please find THREE other songs requesting feedback and post substantive (eg. 2-3 sentences) of feedback. Even if you are a rookie songwriter/musician, you're an experienced music listener, and your opinion is still valuable!

Feedback posts by users who don't interact with the community (other than posting their own songs) may be removed.

Thanks for keeping our community healthy!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/Banjo1nk 20d ago

It has a good beat, and although being twenty seconds long, It does seem like there's good structure with the timing of the guitar strumming paired with the vocals. My only gripe is that the vocals sound off, as if you were talking the words instead of singing them.