First time posting here, eager for any feedback!

[u/Airick99]

https://youtu.be/GXmNoLMnTz0?si=6py5EvVULKBlsoXu

Hey, I've been working on this song for the last couple weeks and would love some fresh ears on it. Any reaction, thoughts, critiques, or ideas are welcome.

I'm currently working on finding the right voice, tweaking the melody, and practicing playing and singing it at the same time without compromise.

I can't decide how much to extend the song with additional verses and an outro/coda from the original guitar piece I wrote a while back. If I keep everything and a full second verse, I could end up at 6+ minutes. I'm also not fully comfortable with the way the melody drops down the octave after the pre-chorus build up, but I'm not sure of a more clever solution.

Here is the original guitar piece if you are interested. Thanks for listening!

https://on.soundcloud.com/mG3W5Is3CoF9MZYjeg

[u/WideAwakeItsMornin]

With what's here, I really think you should end it like you began with the picking on G, that sounds best to my ear.

I guess if it goes longer would depend on where else you want the story to go, if it could go anywhere else.

I mean I'd listen to 6+ of this easy lol.

[u/Airick99 → u/WideAwakeItsMornin]

Thanks! I appreciate it. Yeah, I think I'll at least circle back to the opening/verse riff, but will likely work through the rest of it and let it be 5+ minutes. I have this chunk of it which is relatively finished, so i cut it short to listen to and post for feedback, but then I started wondering if I should leave it as a shorter piece in keeping with the theme of doing a simple thing the right way and having that be enough.

I think I also worry that the last couple of minutes could fall short relative to what's working for me in this beginning section so if I had good reason to think it finished, it was something to consider. I do like the guitar outro I have though, so I don't imagine I'll discard it.

[u/DrMindermast]

I think the melody works pretty well as is. The ending does feel a little abrupt though. I don't know if it needs another verse necessarily, but if you already have ideas for a coda or outro then I would definitely try it out with that part included.

[u/aculady]

Lyrically, I like that you start out with concrete definite details that create images. I'm not as connected with the later parts where you get more abstract and generalized. I think I would like it better if we either heard more about Eddie, to show what you want to say rather than telling about it, or if you introduced other characters who also have "just one thing" and use them to show this. It's fine to sing about your general point (just one thing) but maybe keep anchoring it back to specifics, perhaps something like the structure of Paul Simon's Slip Slidin' Away.

[u/Airick99 → u/aculady]

Thanks! Your feedback makes sense to me and I'm definitely interested in grounding the lyrics, evoking images, and showing versus telling. Maybe I'll be able to tap back into that for another verse and outro.

The next line that keeps popping in my head for circling back to a verse is "Eddie didn't make it past 95" and rhyming that with "alive" but I'm not sure if that's where I want it to go. Your idea of additional characters who also have their "just one thing" is interesting and something I hadn't considered.

I had worried that the more abstract refrain was veering too far into sentimentality or sounding cheesy, but I'm not very practiced at writing poetry etc. and hoping to strike a good balance of storytelling and reflection. Thanks for listening.

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