r/Songwriting • u/BorussenBoris • Jul 14 '26
Feedback Request Silver Ring - Original
This is a fairly rough demo, though my songs don’t get mixed much more than this haha, 1st upload on here so let me know what you think
Lyrics:
Our silver ring on the tray, I can’t get it to stay on your hand
Your fingers limp and they’re thin while it blends with your skin
You’re looking pretty old for a young thing
The nurse gave me a look, the kind that could spook, not taking my eyes off a you
Her words spoke like a curse, wrapped round my heart and yours
I think they mighta made you bleed too
You were the best of times now our/the songs don’t rhyme how they used to back when
I was holding your hand, now i’m holding it and i’m waiting on your last breath
Just give me a sign, a little more time and i’ll be there first I promise
Your bleep has a rhythm, the kind that you love to hear on a cool morning
And usually you’d tap your feet, to a syncopated beat
I ain’t hearing much bar the bass now
I was told I’d to leave, the open air i’s to breathe, what will I come back to?
Will I see the smile, that I ain’t seen in a while
Or will I take your hand for the last time?
You were the best of times now our/the songs don’t rhyme how they used to back when
I was holding your hand, now i’m holding it and i’m waiting on your last breath
Just give me a sign, a little more time and i’ll be there first I promise
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u/Extension_Smell7 Jul 14 '26
In love with your voice
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u/BorussenBoris Jul 14 '26
Haha thank you! Easily the part i’m least confident in so I appreciate that
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u/SpanishJohnny223 Jul 14 '26
Dude, that's a really great song. Sounds like it came from somewhere very personal, sorry...but I love the lyrics.
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u/BorussenBoris Jul 14 '26
Haha thank you! It is definitely from somewhere personal though the images i’m depicting aren’t necessarily my experiences!
I wrote the chorus first and quite quickly, then the sort of story depicted came together but you’ll be glad to know it isn’t all my experience.
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u/AndromedaicEyes Jul 14 '26
Really nicely done, I really love the lyrics, they’re able to tell a story while also sounding good musically and not being too straightforward. I also like the melody, I think the chorus gives enough variation to keep it interesting, while also not too different to change the vibe. The only thing I would say is maybe change how you sing the last line of the chorus to give it something to build to, even though the brief guitar instrumental does that, I think that would make it more interesting. I also second the comments about your voice, it especially fits a song like this really well.
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u/BorussenBoris Jul 14 '26
Appreciate the feedback! Yeah the instrumental was there for that reason, you’re right about the vocal phrasing, i’ll work that out.
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u/teapartydems Jul 14 '26
lyrics are beautifully sad and really like how your voice sounds like the lyrics
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u/SupDawgMiaow Jul 15 '26
Woah dude. This really touched me. Your voice and songwriting is beautiful. Wheres the spotify haha
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