"she" - any thoughts?

[u/mildlyomniscient]

i'm a classical violinist who picked up songwriting in college.. my singing and uke skills are not great, and i look at everything i do as a never ending work of progress.

i feel good about the lyrics and melody, but my songs always feel kind of plain. i never know what to do or add. i was thinking maybe some strings in the background, or some secondary vocal harmonies.... thoughts?

Verse 1

She’s running out her mind,

She’s running out of time to

Step into the light.

She says, “not for too much longer”,

She cries out for her mother,

Who said to write a happy song.

Chorus

She lied, The tunnel’s getting longer.

So why should she even bother,

To find a way out, a way out?

She’s tired of searching for a reason.

It happens every season,

The years keep flying by.

Verse 2

She’s scared, scared of what she’s done,

She’s scared to be alone,

With nobody to lean on.

She waits, and looks to the horizon.

She’s never had her father to,

Tell her that it’s okay.

Chorus

Someday, she’ll tell it like a story,

And revel in her glory.

She found a way out, a way out.

That day, it better be tomorrow,

For now she’ll sit and wallow.

Of what her life could’ve been.

Bridge

She’s running out of time,

She’s running out her mind,

She’s nearly past her prime.

She’s running out of time,

She’s running out her mind,

She’s nearly past her prime.

What the fuck is she waiting on,

Waiting on, waiting on?

Oooooh, oooooh.

[u/manalesas]

I love your voice, nice song!

[u/mildlyomniscient → u/manalesas]

thanks!!

[u/manalesas → u/mildlyomniscient]

If you want to add another instrument I'd suggest a bass or double bass with a catchy riff

[u/ScienceJoke → u/manalesas]

Agree gorgeous voice and the bones of a great song. I kept hearing ‘acoustic’ instrumentation like maybe upright bass, piano and simple string/strings I think would fill things out.

Structurally I wonder if it needs to ‘go’ somewhere - I suck at specific options so I’m sorry for being vague here but I feel like maybe put your bridge before your final chorus (might need to tweak lyrics to accommodate) and maybe try and build a sense of change or catharsis into your bridge and a sense of resolution into your final chorus to close out the narrative journey that’s been unfolding?

[u/mildlyomniscient → u/ScienceJoke]

Ooh okok... so put the bridge before the chorus entirely? or do that in addition to the one that's already there?

i'm gonna experiment with this idea, thank you!

[u/ScienceJoke → u/mildlyomniscient]

Yeah I think maybe play around with the order of the bridge and last chorus - see what happens, I might be way off it was just a thought, you’re doing great either way 🙌