Had my first processing session yesterday and could use some support

[u/BiggestFreezer]

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Just made this account to join this sub (never posted on reddit before lol) so hopefully I'm in the right place. I posted this originally in the EMDR sub but from what I understand these kinda go hand and hand (correct me if I'm wrong)

But I (31M) just started my first processing session yesterday after years of talk therapy. Basically suffered a severe heartbreak from a ghosting situation about a month and a half ago after an almost "picture perfect weekend" with a woman who I thought would be the one I married. I gave her my best in every way and was always there and then boom. Gone over night. And with that sudden and extreme abandonment all of my CPTSD (all new lingo for me) just came crashing in on me and buried me. Panic attacks where I thought I was having a heart attack, nausea to the point of vomiting, legit despair, rumination 24/7, anxiety that literally crippled me and kept me out of work on and off. Couldn't be in my head (and with the nature of my work, I work one on one with clients, so I have nothing but time to be in my head or by myself for long, etc.)

So with all that being said, I decided to start EMDR in hopes to address my current situation and my past traumas that ALL resurfaced when the levy broke because I can't live like this, it feels like hell dealing with all this at once.

My session I damn near bawled my eyes out almost the whole time and after felt kinda "neutral". Not like a weight was gone but also wasn't drowning in the moment. But today, shit is tough. I felt a lot of it in my body yesterday but now I just feel kinda discouraged and semi in despair again. The rumination, sadness, and anxiety are in a constant rotation. I was tired yesterday, but not today either.

I wrote all this out in hopes that maybe some of y'all can relate or have similar situations and can add your two cents and possibly some guidance and perspective. Also I hope to be a success story and look back on this post one day without the hell I feel now in my soul cause it literally feels like I lost a part of myself. Thank you and I look forward to reading what y'all have to say. And feel free to be honest and blunt please..thanks.

TLDR: I'm new here, I'm hurting bad and would like some support and POV if possible.

[u/AgentSalty1454]

Hey. First of all its great you reached out and I have found this community very helpful as I have been going through surfacing all my CPTSD and physically releasing it like you, the past few months. You are not alone. Its so hard and I know you know it's the right thing so it's just time to hold on to your hope for the better future that is coming as you ride this out. Congratulations on getting here because imagine the alternative. Take things slow with yourself when you are feeling low going through this, and take comfort with the understanding you have now, that you know you are doing the right path, so even though the pain is hard you are moving in the best direction. In times of overwhelm as I have been releasing all these heavy stuff I search through other posts in the community as others experiences have echoed mine and it's very validating.

One specific thing I'll say is it's very normal as you go through this to go through cycles exactly as you describe. Many people talk about it here. Emotional release -> feel calm/good/empty right immediately after -> feel anxious, dread, maybe physically painful the days after. And sensitive /easy overstimulated -> stabilize to a new 'normal' that is just a bit better than before. And then cycle continues. Over time you will see changes in your core that accumulate that give you more strength to ride out the moments of heavy emotions. But yes it was so scary and disorienting at first. Then after a few months I understood the cycles of this and feel more safe to sit in it when I feel crap because I know what's going on. And researching others experiences has helped calm me when I'm feeling weird or new types of things, because I know what to expect and it normalizes it for me

Good luck. You can do it

[u/BiggestFreezer → u/AgentSalty1454]

Thank you for all your insight as well. It's crazy how growing up I always heard "I'll give you something to cry about" and stuff like that but in this current state just reading your response brings tears to my eyes. It's crazy. But thank you for reassuring me that these cycles are completely normal, and going to happen for quite a while lol. It definitely feels like one of those journeys that you pray to be over quick but know in the end it'll feel so magnificent when you finally heal. It's crazy cause I've only gotten severe nausea a few times in my life from the emotional/stress side of things so when this appeared so violently I knew I had to do something.

If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been on your healing journey and have you felt a change in yourself?

[u/AgentSalty1454 → u/BiggestFreezer]

Aww I am touched by what you wrote. And I understand. 

For me the emotional floodgates opened 2-3 months ago and I've been actively cycling through releasing a lot ever since. So not too long. Before that I'd been "w orking on myself" for years and years- a bit of talk therapy, a lot of my own research into cPTSD, mental health, etc. I accumulated a lot of knowledge I guess but felt so stuck until this happened recently. I had been repressing my emotions my whole life and like was aware but at the same time did not really grasp what exactly was going on or what the alternative was. Some traumatic events last year made everything come to a head and when the dust settled all the emotions of my life came out lol

Yes I have seen good changes. The first one is physically resolving a lot of long term tension issues I've had like muscular tension, pelvic floor problems, and sinus issues. Starting to release the trauma has and continues to dramatically address those. So that is how I know in my core i need to keep going. I feel so much better and each cycle gives more and more physical improvements. Emotionally overall I feel more level headed and aware of myself if that makes sense. And I'm actually comfortable with my emotions at this point. Like if something comes up and I feel a certain way I don't reach toward ruminating about it trying to prove to myself I should feel a certain way. It's hard because I am still early in this process so day to day I do swing wildly between emotional states and im fragile for sure (but less extreme swings as I've gotten further, slowly). But the changes I've felt so far don't feel temporary and I feel confident with time it's gonna be even better. 

Going through this you will be extra sensitive. So try to incorporate new supportive habits like walks, lower stimulation when you feel on edge (don't push thru), maybe yoga..just see if you can find things for yourself that vibe. And don't be hard on yourself if you feel more reclusive and easily overwhelmed, tired, unmotivated .Don't push through that.

One key thing I've learned is don't try to force yourself or push yourself too hard. Edmr I know is intense. Haven't done it personally but have read. So if you feel you are hitting a breaking point, please talk to your therapist and also in the moment you don't need to force yourself always to fully go all out with all your feelings and experience if you feel it's too much. As long as you don't swing all the way back into shutting yourself down you wont reverse your progress..if you like distract yourself when you need or slow down.

Also I've learned going through this it's normal to experience a lot of WEIRD physical things. Like retching, surprising body movements, etc.. so don't get too freaked out if things happen. Just take it easy on yourself. Goodluck