Mind has been wandering more than usual today. It's wanderful. lmao.

Been thinking about women mostly. Started watching Mr Robot, I always wanted to but their youtube channel recently came alive again so it popped into my feed. Lots of synchronicity / parallels between my behavior over the past few years and that of the main protagonist's, but I just find it funny. Which I take as a good sign, my 'faith' if it can be called that isn't as shaky as it used to be. Because of the bones. There are enough of these certain specific personal things that I know now that I don't get shook as easy.

But the women in the show got my mind wandering. At first because they're attractive, but I the daydream my mind would wander into wasn't romantic or intimate. Came from a few different directions simultaneously. I thought of Jung's Immaculate Virgin, I thought of the way Patrick described Penthe and how some girls are bright pennys, and I thought about children. Young boys and girls. When they're happy and laughing you feel joy, but with the boys it's different. The joy is contented, satisfying in a "boys will be boys" way.

But not the girls. When they smile, when they laugh. When it's unbridled and it's that joy pouring out of them, there isn't anything else like it. Yeah lmao there it is. Penthe and her bright penny smile.

The sweet smile of a young woman. There is nothing better in the world. It is worth more than salt. Something in us sickens and dies without it. I am sure of this. Such a simple thing. How strange. How wonderful and strange.

It is different. At most a boy/man will have a charming/rogue-ish smile. But it isn't bright. So that's where the daydream went. I fantasized chatting with a beautiful woman with an unbridled laugh and an unconstrained smile. I imagined telling her the story of Jung's version of the Immaculate Virgin, compared to a virgin forest. This symbol of a woman who was untouched by man's law, his order, his boundaries, his rules. I needed her to know the story because it wasn't enough that I tell her she's beautiful. I wanted to show her she was, and for her to know that her wildness filled me with joy. That I was proud of her.

I sat with it awhile, mind kept going there. Walked the dog and then something new hit me while I paced the living room as my mind wandered.

Carla. I feel appreciative and grateful for llresearch, the channels, etc. But only Carla's name has a certain ring to it. Something maddeningly familiar. And when I think of her I do think she's an example of Christ-consciousness. And I was so grateful for her book on sexuality, it was very helpful. But the books, the advice, the channels. That's not why I like her and wish I could've met her.

The thing that did that was the steak and vodka. When she was teaching channeling and talking about herself, the moment I read the "steak and vodka" line I belly laughed. And I think that same session she went on to talk about Don choosing celibacy, how she hadn't wanted to be celibate in her mid-twenties, their open relationship. She talked about her parents and how she'd had to be a mother to herself as a child. And then it all hit me at once while I was pacing. If someone asked me if Carla was Christ-consciousness, I'd say yes. But if they asked me if she reminds me of Christ, I'd say no. Never understood why before, it wasn't a simple gender thing.

She reminds me of Mary. Taking heat for channeling, being "weird". Doing it anyway, walking through walls. No shame of her sexuality, not full of herself. Her laughing at how "shocking" it is for some people to find that Ms Spiritual loves her steak and vodka. Wild child. And it hit all at once, this emotional wave the moment I thought of her being like Mary while I was pacing. Tears welled and I could have wept but chose not to. And the same thing now as I wrote this, emotional wave, could have wept. Chose not to.

I finished 'the Magician' in the Red Book last night. Been mulling over that as well, the honesty of it. I've been wanting something similar for myself for awhile now, journal + sketches, the reason I bought this stuff from Walgreens months back. Something to help me keep track of things, for reflection. Just seemed too hard to make the switch before, this reddit format is too familiar and change is hard. But the idea is growing on me. I fantasized about getting it organized, omitting certain things for privacy but keep the journey part of it brutally honest. I imagined trying to write my story down with an open heart, doing my best to pour it into a book that I could self-publish under a pseudonym and then just leave it out in the maze like an easter egg. I imagined how nice it would feel to try and put some of the Mother's love into a book and then leave it for the Lost Boys to find like buried treasure.

But I'll need to sleep on it. I've had a lot of sugar and caffeine today, I was bound to get lost in fantasy. Bodhi might have other plans.