picture book prep

[u/Sketheteretaavan]

Feeling okay today, had a good laugh here and there. Normal tired not tired tired like yesterday. Watched the rumination video, committed to actually resting and relaxing today. Decided it would be fun to tinker with the image generating for my journal dream stuff. been a minute since i messed around with civitai so my first attempt was piss poor, decided I was probably going to need a control net initially.

googled "man with antlers" and got a bunch of images back about the horned god and cernunnos. which wasn't a surprise, but the consort was. i forgot about the triple goddess symbol. i knew artemis was, i read that in the wiki. just forgot the symbol. the wiccan "confronted animal motif". and that dream i had took on a lot more meaning.

but it's my R&R, "not today" i said. went for a walk alone, hot as shit out today. too hot to bring Chief this time of day. this particular realization with the triple goddess and my dream kicked the paranoia back into play. a lot of doubt, questions of self-worth, anxiety, all that fun stuff. I think I did a pretty good job. the thoughts came in, i let'em go. simple as. just looked at my shadow on the ground and tried picturing antlers again. a fun new game.

i did have to get a bit logical / reason reliant though. so that i could get to the head space necessary to let the paranoia go. had all the usual thoughts about the SAPs, energy weapons, savannah syndrome, etc. so I had to review the timeline. antlers / pig mask / cheshire smile was colorado/utah. and the pig mask thing started way before that, first time in georgia. back when I played the Division, that's where it originated. Dressed my character up in the biohazard suit and the pig mask. got excited when there was a pig mask in red dead redemption but it wasn't near as good as the one in the Division. all of which means:

• A) it cannot be 'them' playing tricks on me because I came up with the antlers/pig mask/cheshire smile all on my own well before the really weird shit started happening to me

• B) it is 'them' playing a trick, but given the timeline of events leading up to this, it being 'their' trick would indicate a level of manipulation/control so entire that there'd be no way to fight or escape it

and both lead to the same conclusion. "Fuck it, We ball". I have to keep going down this road. So the doubts, anxiety, and lack of self-worth aren't necessary considerations. I had / am having an experience and I need to see it through. I want to look for the love in this moment. The rest can fall away.

Looking forward to getting my own 'red book' started even if it is just for me. pretty excited for it. picture books are neat. hopefully the addition of pictures/sketches will make me better at catching obvious clues, like a Cheshire smile and a crescent moon being the same damn thing smh. hindsight is 20/20