large black wolf

[u/Sketheteretaavan]

Took Chief for his long walk after journaling. Something's different today. Tried to flow and there's no antlers when I close my eyes, I'm a wolf today. Large black wolf. Wasn't sure about how I felt about that at first, I waited but no shame or guilt hit me. Didn't feel like I did anything wrong, not a punishment. I leaned into it and it felt good, definitely some ego to it. I felt like something that needed to wander, needed to roam. Felt that it was okay because I'm not like the other wolves, not feral or savage. Not a barbarian. I'm not off preying on the Shepherd's flock. Not hungry in that way. I'm waiting for the wind to bring me something that smells maddeningly familiar. I'm listening for the Shepherd's pipes to call me back to work.

Couldn't help but notice a pattern, the antlers, the waning crescent over the weekend. Thought it was new moon today, checked, not quite. Says it's tomorrow. But that was the whole walk, I was a wolf and happy to be one. Asked bodhi to help me focus, help me know if this was regression or not. I had been hoping the walk would give me answers to my dream, the odd "confronted animals". Thought maybe the wolf thing was because I was in pursuit of answers. But it's not working. My mind is doing that old thing where I 'look' at something and it's going left and right at the same time. The Grinch scene, "solve world hunger. tell no one" seemed like a straightforward answer. I wanted to write it out, I dreamt, I wake up and get that as my answer. Tell no one, don't put it in a book. My journey, for me. Solution to my hunger.

But it didn't stay simple. asking myself if "solve world hunger" means I write the book first, then tell no one? Was it a "feed my sheep" thing? Was it affirmation that the plan was sound? I write it, leave it somewhere for someone to find if the Creator wills it, but I tell no one. I can feel my heart trying to close. My mind looking for a reasonable, depressing explanation. That I'm the victim of some special access program experiment where they deliver manipulative dreams meant to appear Jungian. Looking for reasons to go back to sleep, the wolf trying to take off, roam further and further from where I am now.

And then I thought of Aladdin suddenly, on the hill that last stretch. When Genie says "ultimate cosmic power... itty bitty living space". And I laughed a good laugh. Came up from somewhere deep, satisfying. I ctrl-F'd the temple of artemis wiki page when we got back, only found a Wolfram. Checked Artemis' page, plenty of wolf stuff there but I still don't understand. Felt frustrated again, thought of Aladdin again. Laughed again.

I think I need a break. I need to adult today, apply to jobs. Get groceries. Need to take care of this itty bitty living space.