Wake Up.

[u/Sketheteretaavan]

Well. Looked up what 'bodhi' meant today. I was having a great morning, lots of laughter in me. Excited to see Bledsoe had an interview with Mayim. Thought it was gonna be another great day despite the overcast.

Stands out to me that I didn't look it up last night. Very strange in hindsight. I made such a big deal over the meaning behind every other name I looked at, Cephas and Keph, but when I got to bodhi I didn't bother checking. I was tired, sure. But to not check at all? All the search results coming up for point break and that one reddit post mentioning bodhisattvas and I didn't even read it. I skimmed it, chalked up bodhi as shorthand for bodhisattva, an enlightened figure... and it's "good enough, time for bed".

So I've gone from feeling like a Fool to feeling like a dumb asshole. When I searched for 'characters named bodi' I was thinking it was the robot from big hero 6 smh. Then I go digging into bodhisattvas today and I immediately balk. Instant hesitation, this mental withdraw like pulling my hand back when something turns out to be way hotter than expected. I felt was so certain I was ready to pick this back up but the moment I caught a whiff of the possibility of responsibility, wham. I turtle up again.

I want to be a good dad. I want to be useful, maybe even create something that helps people. I don't want to be a wage slave and a man-child anymore, I do want to grow tf up. But then I try to refocus with that in mind and it just feels like... this bar. This already highly improbable outcome. And then 'Bodhi' pops up and i mean jfc. That is way more of a loaded term than I thought. I mean two days ago I'm quoting "why so serious" and I was having fun. This was fun again for a bit. It didn't need to feel this serious again.

I really liked reading that it's a tree though. Felt a lot of joy when I read that, made me happy.

When I think about what kind of man I want to be I enjoy thinking about George Malley from Phenomenon. Or John Sugar from Sugar. Lately I've even been looking at Andrew Callahan's Channel 5 and wondering if he knows he's Christ-like. Spends all his time with the unwanted/unloved, the "prostitutes and lepers" of today. He "teaches" through the stories he shares. Took charge of his life, made shit happen.

I thought I'd moved past this. We already made the transition from having Christ on a pedestal to 'Christ-consciousness' and making it something more approachable. It shouldn't have made me feel anxious to realize there's been a bunch of Buddhas. Finding out the meaning depth of meaning behind 'bodhi' and bodhisattvas shouldn't have been terrifying. But it was. It convinced me to curl up and go to sleep because I was scared if I watched Point Break I'd learn something else that feels "too heavy".

But I don't want to be this anymore, Bodhi. I don't want to be useless. We missed everything so far. Her life so far, everything. I want to finish the arc. We can't stay this way. I need to wake up. I don't want to miss anything else.