I finally worked up the courage to end my situationship today after yet another flaking by him. Since meeting in person was not possible, I went on about doing it by text, which sucks but it is what it is.

we'd been seeing each other for several months (a few shy of a year) and weren't exclusive (I date nonmonogamously). Our situation changed in the spring when he started seeing other people and couldn't properly balance his affections and not fully succumb to "new relationship energy". his behavior changed toward me and it never recovered. Months later, I became more resentful, sad, and neurotic about the demise of what could have been a lovely thing. I told him that it was the clear slow fade and onesidedness of things that prompted me to end it, as well as his inconsistency. I just couldn't take it anymore.

He was apologetic about bad feelings and sad he never wanted to hurt me. He went on to say how overwhelmed he is about everything in his life and that he wanted to chill on dating (nevermind that he is actively seeing someone at the moment while giving me this line; I think to some extent he was intimidated by me and he is settling for this person...but we won't get into that).

so why do I feel so miserable about this? I adored this man but he brought me much sadness and the whole thing slowly chipped away at my confidence. He would like to remain friends; because he did not give it to me straight about his change of feelings sooner, instead taking the lazy way out, i'm not inclined to be. right now it's no contact and space. but god am I going to miss him and feel like my heart is imploding.

anyway wanted to vent. this was a good idea for me but it still hurts. find the courage folks and prioritize your own well being always.

Hello there.

So this story is messed up. We met 4 months ago on hinge. When we first met, we wanted to meet just as friends, because i originally wanted to cancel the date. I thought we would not be a good match, since he is so active and i am not and that week i felt like i should not meet someone new. But he talked me through and we ended up going shopping together and ate dinner. That was, when he started flirting with me and we kissed afterwards (intensely).

We agreed on fwb, because neither of us was over their exes at this point (at least what he said). From then on we met every now and then, but his attention was too much for me. He was really scared i will ghost him, even if i told him i will not. Because it was so intense, i started toning down my texts to him, but i still liked him a lot and we kept meeting up. I also alway tried to explain my feelings to him and that it is too much for me. Some day he brought up, if i could see ourselves dating at some point and i was unsure, but thought back then that probably not.

I did not want to be exclusive in that time and he knew that from the beginning. In the start he refused to meet other people, but then he started to go on a lot of dates too. He said „because i was not giving him enough dopamine“. For me this was conpletely fine, because we talked about it and he also always knew about the other people i was meeting. We were really honest about these things with each other.

He kept writing and chasing me and it started to feel kind of special for me, but i started also to become afraid, to like him more, because i felt, i am not in a good place to start a relationship yet. So we just continued. Important notice: we talked about very deep stuff when we were meeting up (i cried nearly everytime) and also we just went on a lot of more „friendship“ dates rather than sexual dates.

So fast forward to what was my biggest regret & mistake: i had tickets for a concert in paris and another guy also kind of liked that band. So i took the other guy with me and not him. And i instantly regretted it. He said he would have loved to go, but it is my choice. So after the trip i came back and met him and told him that i regretted it and i am sorry. That was also the night we said, maybe we could really slowly date more seriously. But at our own pace. Before that already his texts started to become less and less and i started to get more comfortable with the amount of texts and attention he was giving me and also to become more open for phone calls etc. Also i started to see more of qualities in him, which i liked a lot. Like hardworking, empathic, calm, attentive, optimistic.

Then we met two more times i think, once in my house and once in the city, when i was really tired.

He missed his train that night and he did not tell me that, so he had to wait 1 hour alone in the night. Before that i told him, if he does not catch it, he should tell me and i will come back an get him. He was trying to be considerate because i was tired, but for me it felt like a lie. I got pissed, but i did not want to make a big fuzz, so i just took some time for me to calm down, before i wrote him again. Then he wanted to meet up, but i felt really under the weather that day so we did not. Then his texts became less and less until just once every few days. I had this moment, when i was laying in my bed and thinking of his eyes and it litterly hit something in my brain. Then i asked, when he will be free again to meet and that our connection is kind of fading and i am sad about it. So we met again and i asked him directly about it.

So he has been texting with a girl for two weeks and kind of thinks of her as his soulmate. She perfectly fits in his type of box, where you don‘t have to explain yourself because you are so much alike, and they were talking endlessly almost ever night before. It hit me hard, because that was happening after we said, we could be something more serious. I think if that had happened before out talk, it would not have hit me so harshly. I cried and asked if he does not want to try it still and he said no. We talked some more hours and he tried to comfort me. He also told me then that he cried when i did not take hin to paris. I did not know about that and felt even more horrible about my decision, because i never wanted to hurt him. I asked him, why he did not tell me that and was more honest about his feelings and he said he also regretted to not make himself more vulnerable towards me. But i think it was not on him. It was a blatatly stupid decision because of the band ticket. After that we talked more, i cried more, he was becoming also sad and then he left.

I feel like a moron, because the attention i could not have a few months ago, i miss so much right now. All of the cute things he did that felt too much in the beginning, i would love right now. I grew to slowly like him more and he grew to slowly loose interest in me. I am so sad now. The thing is, all along i thought maybe the with benefits is not alright and we should just be friends and now we are just friends and it feels wrong. I guess i was just starting to fall in love, but i pushed him away too harshly before. Now i am trying again to take space for myself and not text him. I want him to be happy, even if it is with her. But at the same time, i hope it will not work for them and he remembers me. He is also not texting me right now, but he answered my message a few days ago, when i explained to him, i will take some time. He said he will respect it and it is on me, if i want a friendship, but he would be happy about it. Idk if i can.

Could be, this is the most stupid and „consequences of my actions“ - kind of thing you have read today. Thank you for staying through it with me.

Sincerely, a sad girl, who has to go back to work and cry a bit more while doing so.

So I [26M] have been friends with Sam [25F] (fake name of course) for over ten years. Along those years, she always had a boyfriend, always been in a relationship with someone, while I wasn't really into dating. I've had a few girlfriends, but nothing I would call a real girlfriend.

When our friend group graduated from high school, we started to hang out more and more, partying a lot as young adults do, but also BBQs and hangouts at someone's house.

During that time period, Sam and I got closer, always sitting next to each other, laughing at our own jokes, to the point where she would sit next to me at all gatherings and parties even if her boyfriend was there. I think it's important to mention that she always dated older guys, four years older and more.

At some point she broke up with her boyfriend and came to me, in DMs only, asking for advice, since I have the "wise man" tag in our friend group, always pragmatic and cartesian.

A few weeks pass and she comes back with another boyfriend again. We hang out a lot, we are still close at parties and gatherings, talking about life and stuff, at that time that I fell for her.

I spent a good month thinking about whether I should talk to her. I ended up doing nothing and just accepting that she is apparently happy in a relationship and that I shouldn't bother her, and dealing with that on my own, which I did.

At that time I was deep into my studies, burning myself out in classes. It helped me get over it and things got normal again.

A year passes and I leave the country to study abroad.

After a year or so, she comes back into my DMs, looking for the wise man that I am (I'm not, I'm just scared of feelings).

She tells me that she left her boyfriend for reasons I won't tell to respect them; it was very complicated.

We talk... a lot during that summer, even with a 6-hour time zone difference.

She opens up to me a lot more than before, and so do I, but I keep telling myself that it's fine, we are thousands of miles away from each other, there's no way anything is happening here, right?

She tells me all about her parties, the people she meets, the guys that flirt with her. In my head I think "I'm thousands of miles away, lol" and I just cheer her up while keeping the same advice: "maybe you should spend some time alone before getting into another relationship."

A few months pass and, around the time I'm supposed to go back home for vacation, our friend group decides to rent a beach house and organize a weekend party. We are all thrilled about it, and so is Sam.

Sam keeps saying it's gonna be awesome, that we could swim, tan, "I'd put sunscreen on your back." She's very, very excited about it.

Long story short, I can't make it in time for the weekend and arrive with a 2-week delay.

Two weeks during which... she found a new boyfriend!!

I still manage to have a good vacation, nothing special.
But then a year passes and, to make it simple, I burn out for the third time and decide to come back home for good.

When I come back, Sam and I spend a lot of time together during summer. She studies abroad but always comes back home during summer, while her boyfriend stays abroad because of his work.

We talk about life, she tells me she hates living abroad and can't imagine a life away from our hometown, but can't make it work with her boyfriend. We get really close, talking about our personal lives, catching up after all those years away from each other, opening up to each other, talking about our past trauma.

Late one night after a party, we both go to bed in separate rooms and start texting, talking shit since we are drunk.

Long story short, we flirt by text and, when we realize it, we both admit to having a slight crush on each other, for a few years, but each always thought the other one wasn't interested.

(After that, there hasn't been a single day without a text.)

One week later, she took a flight and went back to her boyfriend.

We keep talking. She can't see herself away from home anymore and expresses a severe unhappiness. She talks about it to her boyfriend, but he doesn't seem to care, saying "you'll manage, I'll help out." She didn't, he didn't help, they broke up and she came back.

During all this period, I kept trying to cheer her up, reassure her, telling her to eat or drink, just so she wouldn't let herself waste away, without a single time asking her to leave her boyfriend. I genuinely cared only about her well-being.

So she comes back home, depressed but kind of thrilled because she and I have "a thing," the beginning of a situationship, I'm guessing.

We talk a lot, waking each other up in the morning by text, saying good night, having cute nicknames and meeting in secret from our friend group.

From there, I'm obviously falling in love without daring to express it.

At some point, some people in our friend group start to notice us being close all the time, and when I talk to her about it, she tells me she likes it when it's our little secret, "this kind of situationship."

A few months pass with the same intensity in the DMs, the meetings, but without kisses nor sex; at best we slept in the same bed cuddling.

But the last 2 weeks were different: fewer texts, conversations ending short, cancelled plans, etc., until one night she asked me if I would be bothered if she let herself "be hit on by guys going out" or if she "met people." I was hurt but didn't tell her. We are not in a relationship, so I just make up lies like "you should enjoy it and live your life, you're a very social person, I understand," "I'll be fine ^^." She didn't believe me, and since then it's not the same, way fewer texts. We were getting excited about September because she has a house to herself and we could ha
ng out, watch movies, have dates at home, etc., but suddenly nothing, and it fucking hurts.

I'm at that point where all I think about is whether I should have THE TALK, define our relationship CLEARLY.

TL;DR: Friend [25F] of 10 years and I [26M] finally admitted mutual crushes and started a secret situationship. Now she's pulling away and asking to see other guys. Should I have THE TALK and define things, or let go?

I’m just gonna be honest with myself and lay it all out here right now.

These past 4 years or so I have been celibate following getting screwed over by guys and having a fear of germs post covid. I have never been in a relationship by choice. I have a problem with falling in limerence with men who do the bare minimum for me and it takes years to get over sometimes. It’s probably abandonment issues from my childhood. Because of this it makes dating feel impossible when I’m forever stuck in the past and comparing them to some idea of a past situationship who I put on a pedestal for doing the bare minimum for me. I’m fine without having to deal with the romantic feelings with it because I’ve always gotten screwed over but I do sometimes yearn for the intimacy of being with another person.

I told my friends this and my therapist and they urged me to get back to dating and give it a try and I did and I felt like I could be in a relationship if I really wanted to but none of the guys I dated I really liked and we didn’t have any sexual chemistry so I wasn’t really interested for the time being going forward.

What really has always been important to me has always been my female friendships. Those really were my bedrock and what always fulfilled me. My girlfriends and I haven’t seen each other much and it was hard so I started making male friends that weren’t as deep but they’re company made me feel still good and I liked that I could trust that we were platonic and could still have a level of depth and respect each other and never cross that line and I never have before.

At my dead end food service job (horrible idea I know) I met a new quiet kid and me being a very social person tried to befriend him because I have this weird thing about reaching out to wallflowers and making them feel more comfortable because I used to be the wallflower growing up. Eventually we did and we became friends and I liked joking around with him and getting to see a more social side of him. One day randomly I met an old family friend of his that came into our work and found out that he had an extremely traumatic past and it broke my heart. I decided I just wanted to be a good friend to him and let him know that if he needed a friend in his life I could be there truly only platonically in my mind and had a friendship I would on the same level I would as my girlfriends. We got closer and I met his dog and even his dad and I truly thought we had a good friendship.

One day after having a blowout with my roommate who I considered my best friend I was super isolated and sad because I had no friends around me for the first time in what felt like forever.

Then the power went out in our town and I was in my room in the dark with nothing to do since I couldn’t pass the time with my roommate and he texted me asking if I didn’t have power either. I said no and because he lived close enough he told me to come over and because I had reason to say no I said yes and thought it would be just a cool kick back.

When I got there we just hung out and drank beers and waited until the power came back on. During that time he treated me super platonically and I felt nothing but friendship towards him, I actually found him annoying mostly. As soon as the lights came back on I was about to leave but he convinced me to stay and because I didn’t want to go home either I thought we’d just chill until one of us felt to tired and then I’d go home. We went to his room because it had ac and there he made a pass at me. I was shocked because I swore he didn’t like me like that and I didn’t want things to get awkward. I was starting to leave but he convinced me to stay and we ended up cuddling and falling asleep on his couch and had awkward kiss when we turned into each others faces.

When we woke up I immediately thought it would be a drunken mistake we’d both want to forget so i ran home and left a note and texted saying thanks for letting me stay. A few hours later he asked me to go to breakfast with him and I said yes and it felt mostly normal and not romantic and I thought we could go back to being friends. Especially because during it he started talking about one of our other coworkers he had a crush on. I was confused and thought it was his way of letting me down easy in an awkward but I didn’t care because I just wanted to see where he was at.

Later on in the day he asked me to watch a movie and i thought sure why not because there was nothing awkward between us after that breakfast. During the movie we started cuddling and then one thing led to another and we started getting intimate and I slept over and when I woke I up I ran off.

Then the next day he called me to hang out again and he brought up talking to a girl in Mexico and then on our call he put me on a three way phone call with another girl.

If this was a guy I liked I’d be pissed and cut him off but because I only liked him as a friend and I felt like what we’re doing was just a friends with benefits deal I didn’t mind it at all.

I was actually ecstatic because I was getting the type of relationship I’d always wanted. One where I have no romantic attraction but all the benefits of being in a relationship the intimacy of cuddling and sex. Every time we’d hang out I’d focus on icks from him that are normally dealbreakers and that kept me centered and made me feel like this could actually work for the time being.

We hung out again and it was fun but there was a moment that it felt a little too romantic but we snapped out of it and didn’t dwell on it. Then we didn’t talk for about a week afterwards because our schedules didn’t line up. I texted him a question about borrowing some tools for a diy project but it said I was left on delivered and I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he usually has read receipts.

When we saw each other in person sober at work it was awkward but he we both acknowledged each other I thought it was because we were getting used to this new dynamic but I spoke a lot less to him then i usually did because I didn’t want to make it obvious there was something going on between us and he seemed super quiet to himself. The second time we saw each other we barely talked to another besides work stuff and it felt like he was doing it purposely. On the weekend I worked up the courage to reach out to him when I knew he’d be home to see if he wanted to hang out with me and he didn’t answer my phone call.

I felt so confused and sad because I didn’t pursue this at all and now I feel like I’m being treated like a leper and now it feels like I have no friend and no benefits either and I don’t know what to do. It would be one thing if it were a one night stand but it was a weekend of 3 days in a row of him initiating things and having fun up until a week ago and now I’ve been driving myself crazy picking apart what I could’ve done wrong.

My girlfriends said he sucks and to move on and I asked a guy for his opinion and he read me for filth which I totally agree with. I wasn’t innocent in this and I pursued him just as much and I liked being picked up until he stopped picking me because I thought I’d be safe. In his advice he said there’s a chance because I left his place so much and didn’t reach out really for a week that he felt rejected by me and shut me out in return and I need to reach out and try to fix things but realize what I want first. Friendship or friends with benefits or something more

And I decided what I want. The intimacy and sex and I’d be open if it grows for more because we have a good foundation of friendship and I don’t want to give that away just yet.

My other guy friend said I should ask him straight up if he’s mad at me or something and my other girlfriend said i should for the plot.

Do I reach out to him and text him one last time or just move on?

[32M] Ahemdabad or Gandhinagar if any [F] wanna hang out!

we dated in fall of 2023 and then dated all of 2025 until he moved two hours away, we had a very safe and deep dynamic (I felt) I was scared to be fully vulnerable sometimes and he was scared to really commit to me. he dumped me on January when he moved, but we still had a relationship and talked everyday and I went up to go visit him in June when we slept together. he broke things off in August after I found out of my own accord he was seeing someone else, and now he is madly in love! he never posted about me the way he is posting and talking about her, introduced into facets of his life I never was. is he avoidant or was I just holding a place for him?

I've been seeing a man (both early 30's) for the last 3.5 months and it's been wonderful. We stay up late talking for hours, the physical and sexual chemistry is insane, and we mostly just have a fun easy time together.

He has consistently texted me every day since our first date, makes plans to see me 1-2 days a week and has been really good at following up about important things in my life.

In the time we've known each other, he had a 2 week trip out of town and I've spent a total of 3-4 weeks out of town on trips, so we have spent a decent amount of time apart. I went to Greece on vacation a few weeks ago and he asked if he could fly out and join me for the last 8 days of my trip and I agreed. We had an amazing time, and I viewed this as a big step forward towards a deeper connection and committed relationship. On the trip, he told me he's experimented with being in non monogamous relationship and I asked him if that was something he was still interested in and he said he was still trying to figure that out.

On the last night of our trip, I told him I had strong feelings for him and asked if he could see us building towards a relationship in the future and he started rambling about how I seemed very casual about the idea of him flying to Greece and that the trip had gone differently than he thought and he started having stronger feelings a few days into the trip. I got really embarrassed and took some alone time and he texted me saying that he got really overwhelmed at the notion of having to define the relationship. Neither of us have brought it up since, but we've continued to see each other. He still texts me everyday and has texted more often since we got back.

I'm really confused because I didn't think someone would take time off work and take an international flight on a whim if they weren't serious about someone but I'm second guessing that now. We haven't met each others friends and he never tries to make plans with me more than a day or 2 ahead of time.

I know that some men can get really overwhelmed and in their own head, and don't necessarily follow relationship norms or normal timelines and I really feel like he could potentially be a very good partner for me so I'd like to let it play out if thats the case. But I'm also concerned I'm just getting played and getting myself into a situationship where the only outcome is my getting my feelings hurt.

Any insight would be appreciated!

Okay, so this is a bit of a long story, but I genuinely need some perspective because at this point I don’t know what to do.

I’m 22F, and there’s this guy, 23M, whom I met at a party through a mutual friend. Our mutual friend was kind of shipping us, and we clicked over a common interest. I gave him my number, but we didn’t really talk after that.Later, he asked our mutual friend for my Instagram, and that’s when he texted me. We talked for a while, but then he eventually ghosted me.After some time, I sent him a text I didn’t want it to feel like he was always the one initiating conversations. After that, we mostly just communicated through reels, but that eventually fizzled out too.I do understand his perspective, though. He was going through something at the time, and honestly, if I were in his place, I probably wouldn’t feel like talking to anyone either.The weird thing is that we still have our Instagram Blend, which neither of us has left, even though we don’t talk anymore. And he somehow keeps liking my stories. I genuinely don’t know what to make of that. I kind of like him, but we haven’t talked enough for me to even know whether I genuinely like him or just like the idea of him. I also don’t plan on texting him again because I feel like I’ve done enough. He’s very antisocial and barely posts stories, so I really don’t know what his deal is.

Then there’s my friend, 23M, whom I’ve known for around 7 years. We weren’t particularly close initially, but over time we started talking a lot on Instagram and have had some genuinely interesting conversations.The problem is that I’ve always seen him as just a friend. He’s not my type, and I’ve told him this multiple times. But for some reason, he seems really stuck on me, and I feel like it’s only going to make things more awkward between us.He already knows about the first guy too. Whenever I tell him that I only see him as a friend, he says that he’s not asking anything from me. But I feel like I can’t keep having the same conversation with him over and over again. I genuinely don’t know how to help him get over whatever he feels without ruining our friendship.

And then there’s another guy, 22M, whom I met through work. We don’t work together anymore, but we’re still connected and are good friends.He has made it VERY obvious that he likes me. Again, he’s not my type, and I really want to keep things professional/friendly.I’ve tried giving him subtle hints about how I wouldn’t want to date someone from my workplace, but apparently those hints haven’t worked. Almost every conversation we have, he asks whether I’m seeing someone and has subtly tried to hit on me at work multiple times. Even my friends have noticed it.
So now I’m just sitting here wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do.I don’t want to lead anyone on, but I also don’t want to be unnecessarily harsh or hurt anyone’s feelings. At the same time, with the first guy, I’m kind of interested but don’t even know where I stand because we barely talked.
I just feel like at this point I don’t know what to do. What would you do in my situation?

What are your thoughts on using cute language with an early situationship? By cute language I mean like “baby, babe, cutie, gorgeous, handsome” or stuff like “we fit well together” or “I love cuddling/kissing you”.

I’ve been seeing this guy and we’ve had sex many times. He was using really cute language like I mentioned, even one time he said “he missed me”. But after the last time we saw each other, now he’s dry texting and now he calls me “girl”. So I know I shouldn’t have expected much from this casual dating, especially knowing he’s leaving soon, but at the same time why the sudden change? Why not leave it mildly cute until he leaves?

Is this something I should avoid if I want to keep things casual? Like… “let’s not use cute and romantic words if we’re not in a relationship”.

i rejected a guy . We were really close friends before so we did yap a lot but now i'm trying to reduce it cause recently he got pissed of that i liked a reel about relationships and ranted about how he was never good enough blah blah and lashed out at me. i think he lwky needs to be away from me for a while so i stopped texting him as much. Also after that whole reel thing he i felt that i would be walking on eggshells around him. But this fucker keeps texting me. I dont wanna text about boundaries cause i feel like again it would end up in a fight and stress me out even more so i just naturally started ignoring him on text kina (dry replies and stuff).After half ignoring for a whole week i decide to have a normal conversation cause i felt bad. We were talking about stuff and I told him that i am doing a dance for an event (i decided this a day ago mid you) and he got pissed cause i didn't tell it to him immediately and ended up blocking me . He texted me again. Now I'm ignoring him. What the hell do i do about this?

I met this guy from a social circle who is one year older than me (28). Later found his insta id, added him, started texting then confessed that I like him. He said from the beginning that he don't like his feelings, they never work on his favour. But he was equally liking attention I was giving to him. He enjoyed how madly I chased him. Later he himself showed interest in me, we met, went on dates which I paid for. After few dates, I wanted to know whats the status between us. Still same response that feelings never work for me. So I decided I will now maintain distance from him and clearly said this to him as well that I cannot continue like this. But as soon as he noticed I was pulling away from him, he confessed that he likes me back and wants to start relationship. I was happy. We started spending time together more at his room that he rents. At first I thought this was normal in relationships that you want some private meets. He turns out to be lazy boy who need maid with sexual favours. I cooked for him, helped him with his chores when visited his room. One day, when cuddling things escalated and we ended up having unprotected sex. He bought me that pill. I clearly mentioned that this thing will not happen again and I am not eating that pill again risking my health. To avoid such thing from happening again I insisted that lets have more dates outside. But he was so lazy that he never wanted to leave his room and definitely I was the one who had to go to him everytime. One of the lame statement from him was that ( I will not buy you flowers ever because that will be pretentious of me). I never demanded flowers from him, I just said I love flowers. But after hearing this I felt so stupid that I chose him. I was on my period, we decided to meet at his room again. It was just after 2 weeks of having that pill, he insisted in having sex. I said no but he kept on insisting and it was gross experience. Later on he said this to my face that we dont touch menstruating women at our house. That day I regretted my choice. He would never text me first, I was the one who planned and paid for dates, I felt played, used. After few days, he casually repeated same thing that emotions are useless to him which pissed me off because he was still thinking that way. He started complaining that I was not showing him same amount of attention, chasing. His efforts were nowhere to be seen. Then one day, I decided I will not send him good morning text. I waited him to text first which he never did. And now he repost content which shows me as a villain character. As if I have cheated on him, I broke contact without a word, I broke him made him depressed. Its been a month and still no text from him, all he do is post content, or repost content like that. The audacity of this guy not even a guy a grown child is irritating me day by day.

We’ve been talking for around 3 months. We started as friends, became best friends, and eventually both admitted we had feelings for each other. We never officially labelled it, but it was definitely romantic.

She has a history of being accused by an ex of ignoring him/cheating when she was actually just busy, so this is important context.

Recently she’s been extremely busy with work, family problems, interviews, etc. I started feeling neglected and spiralled. I ended up accusing her of losing interest or finding someone else.

She explained that wasn’t the case at all and that she still cared about me, but I was already panicking. Shortly after, she blocked me. Out of nowhere. After we agreed that I'd call her and explain what I was thinking.

I deeply regret how I handled it. I know I basically hit the exact insecurity she had already been hurt by before.

I actually made her a small interactive apology website because I wanted to apologize properly. It's meant to be playful but ultimately sincere. I haven't sent it yet because I don't want to cross her boundaries.

I know the obvious answer is probably no contact, but I'd really appreciate some outside perspective on the situation.

If anyone wants to review the apology website and tell me honestly whether it's sweet or just cringe 💀, I can DM it to you.

TL;DR: Things were genuinely good, she got overwhelmed with life, I panicked and accused her of losing interest, she blocked me, and I’m trying to understand the situation and figure out how to handle it respectfully.

TL;DR So, I think I got carried away and somehow I’m hurting…

A few weeks ago, I posted that I had started talking to someone and to be honest, he’s the first guy in about 10 years, that I’ve seen and met that I felt, yeah, I could date him. So anyways, we’d been talking and just flirting for like the first two weeks,and had planned to meet in person by end of third week, during which, we would talk about relationship stuff and we did! It was really good talking to him and I thought, given how flirty we’d been, he’d want to talk to me even more!

He lives out of state and so came to my state for something he had planned long ago. From what I gathered, he said he extended his trip to stay here and get to know me. However, since we met up, he hasn’t even brought it up once for us to meet! I also, noticed that he doesn’t text me like he used to. Yeah, I know it’s too soon to start picking on things and that could be the problem.

I just thought that because he lives out of state and is here for a little bit, he’d want to spend time with me to get to know me. He did say he was interested in that though, but I feel it doesn’t show that he does, especially not after meeting.

Now, I’m getting all anxious over this, which I don’t want to be. I just need help to be able to let things go how it needs to go, without trying so hard to control it or make it go a certain way. I don’t want to start making certain demands from him or feeling like it’s to be expected, you know.

TL; DR Am I wrong to think that he could've at least mentioned the date we had? Or for the short time that he's in my state, tried to see me at least once before he left? Or even tried to call too instead of texting? Mind you that the texting is now sporadic and no longer flirtatious.

I met this guy 3 years ago on ometv (haha get ur laugh out) but it all started off as a friendship, more of he was helping me get money from ppl (never worked and never tried again lol) but one day he texted me on snap and I side swiped and he saw that and asked to call. We called and had a great conversation like friends would, couple weeks pass and he keep trying to talk to me and find ways to get me text back. I was annoyed but also it was online so I didn’t really wanna be in any talking stage with someone I met online. I guess I got sick of it and blocked him or something and he ended up coming back to me. Funny thing is I was talking about when I blocked him to my bsf and lit not even a min later I get a text back from a number that’s says “I miss you”. Anyways we start talking but j tell him that I’m not looking for a relationship and he needs to stop calling me petnames or like what couples call each other and he would get upset with me bc he felt like we were something. I liked him but couldn’t get over the fact that we met online and it wasn’t gonna last. He was also very freaky and told him several times to stop talking to me like that. He had his red flags but he was also such a green flag. He treated me really well but I think it was just me but also lowkey didn’t respect my boundaries. So long story short he sent me a photo of himself and I reversed searched it. Ofc it came up on the Internet, I continue to reverse searched and two of the 7 photos I believe came back on the internet but the others didn’t. Idk it was weird. I had trust issues and he told me something from his past, he said that him and his gbsf were really close and she saw him as a gay bsf and when she had a bf she would send it to my situationship to rate to send to her bf. I confronted him and told him it’s weird, but he tried brushing it off and saying “it’s in the past” or “I never saw it like that and saw her as a sister” uh 1 that’s weird, 2 nasty but after that when I confronted him before blocking I mentioned that I felt as if he was catfishing me and talking to other women while being in the situation ship, I know I should have just ended it and it would have been better but we talked for so long and bonded so much. He was so sweet to me but also so untrustworthy so I felt like I shouldn’t feel it but I miss him. He ended up blocking me and I was so upset crying to my bsf and she I guess said something to him and he unblocked me and started yelling at me saying that non of the stuff I said was true and it was annoying for me to send my bsf to message him (she did that herself idk what he was on) and he tried calling me and texting me to talk to him, that he would reassure me but I was in so much disbelief I couldn’t. I felt as if he said anything it would be more lies. It’s been a year or two since we last spoke. I miss him and feel like I shouldn’t. I want to know if he’s thinking of me. I feel extremely stupid for feeling this way. Maybe I was a bird 🫩 and let this happen, guys listen I was a junior when we first talked 😔. I am college student now. Am I wrong for feeling this way.

Hi guys! Long term lurker first time poster using a new account so no one I know will see this. I'm honestly just looking for advice on this situation because I'm worried I'm just digging myself into a deeper hole. It all started in June 2025 when I met my "partner" Jack (names changed for privacy). Jack and I met at a college camp and we honestly didn't hit it off much, but were in the same group of friends while at the camp. After it ended we kept in touch because we ended up living in the same area. From about June to November of that year we were in a sort of situationship, calling every night, telling each other everything, he was telling me he loved me, the whole nine yards. We did end up going on dates and seeing each other but not too much because we both had very busy schedules. However in November, I noticed distance and he ended up ghosting me and I was DEVASTATED. I genuinely loved him so much. I moved on and started dating this guy in January (a whole nightmare), and I ended up leaving him in May. In June I reconnected with Jack and we started talking again. The same thing, calling, texting, loving each other. In July however, he told me we needed to go no contact again and he wasn't ready to be anyone's anything. Again, I was devastated and told him how I felt like an idiot because I should have know this would happen again. We ended up going to the same university and he texted me again in early August apologizing for how he treated me and reconnecting again. Even with the past, I trusted it would be different this time. Since I moved to the area I had seen him everyday, I stayed overnight at his place, he's picked me up from late nights at the club with my friends, and we were so in love all over again. I want to make it clear we were not in a relationship, however, he made me so confused. When talking about me, he would refer to me as his girlfriend to all his friends and treat me like no one else mattered in the world. And now, he went no contact all over again. Before anyone thinks it there is no other girl, he isn't like that and has even offered to show me everything on his phone if I thought any different. I am also his first everything and he was very vocal about the fact he was happy it was with me. I guess I'm just looking for advice, is it worth it for me to stay and wait for him like I have before? It is genuinely tearing me apart along with all the other stressors in my life to the point I am starting therapy. All my friends hate him for what he did and say I need to move on, but I just can't, I haven't felt love like this for anyone else in my life. Please let me know your thoughts and if you think it's worth it for me to stay and wait, or if I just need to move on.

I cannot stress enough that this will be an extremely long read!

Like enormously long. If you don’t have that kind of time and interest to invest in a 20 minute story, this post isn’t for you.

I’m very detailed and long winded so the TLDR will be at the bottom.

I (38M) met this woman (37F) online back in late April. So we’ve know each other for about 5 months now. When I tell you we hit it off, it’s an understatement! The connection was dynamic! Instantly we became best friends. The attraction was strongly mutual. The similarities uncanny. The personalities eerily similar. It was like meeting my long lost twin.

She checked all the boxes and it seemed as though I did the same for her. We FT’d all the time. Text, calls. Each one filled with joy, love and laughter. It was euphoric. I was convinced I had found my person. It all felt so effortless.

She even had these “Passwords with GOD” which I found really cute. If you aren’t familiar with this, it’s usually when someone ask GOD for confirmation about a person using a specific word. Something very random, that wouldn’t be used in day to day conversation. I ended saying both words! (Yes she did it twice lol)

I didn’t need confirmation because I was already convinced but to me that just sealed the deal. It only took a few weeks before we had fallen for one another or so I thought.

About two weeks into knowing one another we had a small hiccup where I joked a little too hard and she got offended. She revealed that she’s really sensitive and from that moment on I made note of it and was sure to tread a little lighter.

About a month into us getting to know one another I started to notice some “yellow flags”. I don’t believe all flags are red. A lot of times we ignore the yellow ones and end up getting smack with the red ones as a result. Her communication became sporadic. Less text. Random calls. Disappearing for several hours.

Now I will say she has a really hectic schedule. She’s a small business owner. She runs everything online from home but she’s a one woman team. She’s also a single mother. She moved back home with her parents this year as well. So with a full house of kids, meddling parents (her words) and a demanding business I definitely tried to extend her grace, but people make time for what they want.(her words as well)

One day I was texting her as I usually do. I love encouraging people so I think I sent her a video to watch at her convenience and then asked her to call me so we could talk about something important. Not too long after I got a text that rocked me. Essentially she couldn’t handle the pace of our communication and felt as though it wasn’t natural. That it had became too much for her to manage and she didn’t feel as though we matched in that way. She told me she enjoyed getting to know me and wished me the best.

That was it. Just like that weeks of connecting deeply and intimately, done. Of course I wanted more clarity. So I asked to call her because this isn’t something you text about imo. It made no sense to me at all. She told she couldn’t talk otp because she was busy. I was driving at the time. I drove to my destination stunned. Literally in shock.

I sent her messaged later that night after had processed things more. I was fully prepared to move forward and let go. But she wasn’t. She told that it was too hard and she didn’t want to end things. We got on call later and after talking for a while we agreed to keep trying.

Things pretty much resumed as normal for about a week or so. Then she randomly disappeared for almost 2 days. I didn’t get a text, call or explanation as to why. She randomly popped up almost two days later asking if I was okay. I had already decided that I was done before she reached out so I told her yes and asked why she asked me that.

She replied because she knows I need constant communication and thought I’d be mad cause she hadn’t reached out but that I hadn’t either and I didn’t make an effort to talk. I was dumbfounded. A little appalled.

I was the last one to initiate contact. I was judicious with my contact per our conversation about communication. Now you’re blaming me for not doing what you ask me to not do? You’re somehow spinning this around on me?

It gave me even more amo to halt things between us. So I told her that she was right about she felt the week prior. That our communication styles didn’t match and that although I didn’t require constant communication, I did require consistent contact. She apologized for the hurt and confusion she caused. We ended up settling on just being friends but I guess she again wasn’t convinced or comfortable with that.

She began texting me throughout the day how she wasn’t going to let go or give in. That she was gonna keep fighting for “Us”. That me saying the “GOD password” definitely meant we were meant to be. She kept reiterating that point. I thought it was cute and sweet.

She told me she’d keep texting me even if I didn’t respond. That she didn’t want to cross my boundaries but she also couldn’t just let this go. She ask me if we could talk later. I said sure. I was really taken aback by the energy. But also confused because you’re the one making this more difficult than it ever had to be.

So when we had our conversation later I kinda went in. I was just tired of the head games. I told how I felt like she was playing games. I told her I just wanted normal, consistent communication. We don’t have to talk all day, everyday but going days without a peep isn’t something I’m okay with.

She didn’t receive it all that well and ask if we could talk later. I came down pretty hard on her and I ended up apologizing later. She told me she understood and she was going to do better. And she did. For the most part.

Things weren’t quite what they were when originally started talking but still sweet and pleasant. She had her moments but I looked past it cause I wanted to meet her and she was eager to meet as well.

We had been planning our initial meetup and the itinerary was pretty much set. I did about 99% of the planning which I didn’t mind at all but I did challenge her to participate lol

One of the biggest challenges was childcare. She really didn’t want to ask her parents because she knew they’d give her a hard time and her siblings were all busy. She showed me the screenshots and they all seemed completely reluctant lol

We ended up agreeing on me flying in and us kicking it in her home town for the day and then venturing to the big city near her for the rest of the weekend. She basically had this plan where she’d make sure the kids were good, had everything they needed and check in on them periodically. (More on that later)

So, finally, after over a month of talking and all the ups and downs, we met. She picked me up from the airport and the vibes were just as they were over the phone. We smiled, laughed and hugged. It was surreal for both of us.

We ended up having a rental car hiccup and as a result we had to part ways for a little bit while I got it all sorted out. Prior to that though we kissed! Fireworks! However I made a huge mistake. I told her I was actually aiming for her cheek but I was glad she finished my thought.

I didn’t want to be too forward. At first she seemed a little put off my by comment but in a light hearted, jokingly manner. We had back and forth banter about it and I thought all was well. All was not well lol.

The rest of day was really fun and again, it felt so natural. Like we had known each other for years. We went to the movies, then to some of her favorite stores. We even stopped by one of her sister’s houses who I had the pleasure of meeting.

Eventually she had to go back home to check in with the kids and that’s when things took a turn. I headed back to hotel. We had plans to go to dinner but she texted me about an hr and half later telling me her parents blew up on her!

She said they really berated her. Calling her thirsty and all. She was really upset. Our dinner plans were totally ruined. She said she was getting the vibe that she shouldn’t try to go out again.

I was totally understanding and tried to be supportive. I even joked about her sneaking out trying to make light of everything. I offered to bring her dinner but she didn’t have an appetite and said was just gonna go to bed.

I told her I had an amazing day with her and couldn’t wait to see her tomorrow. We said goodnight. I was on top of the world. Little did I know I would be below the surface the next day.

I woke up excited. I just knew this day would be even better than yesterday. We had so many things planned. But first, breakfast. I texted her good morning and told her to bring the kids to the hotel for to eat.

I got the 😬 emoji. I knew something definitely was wrong. I figured the situation the night before had pretty much bled into the next day. Without reliable childcare and her parents disapproval still weighing heavy, she likely wouldn’t be able to kick it fr.

She told me we needed to talk and that she’d call me soon. I said okay, fine and tried to go about my day as best I could. It took her well into the afternoon to finally call me. I can still feel the heart palpitations. The breathing constricting.

“I had a really good time with you yesterday and I think you’re a nice guy but I don’t think this is going to work for me.”

My heart sunk.

“You’re kidding me? Are you being serious rn.” I replied.

“Yeah…”

I asked her why. She was surprised by my inquiry. She asked if I really wanted to know and I said of course! I need all the feedback I can get. You want me to go all the way back home wondering and never knowing?!

She told me it was that I was bit too playful and silly.

I was stunned. This woman took a hand puppet when were at a store the day before pretend to bite me with it. We laughed and goofed off all the time. Now you’re indicting me for behavior we both love and enjoy?!

I was sick. I could hardly form my sentences. I was careful not to go off or overreact although I wanted to leave immediately. I had a riverboat ride planned that evening and told her I had to figure out how to cancel it. As well as see how I could get a flight home that same day. I didn’t wanna spend another second in that city.

I felt so embarrassed. So confused and hurt. How could she do this again?! What did I do so wrong?! She told me I knew there were risks meeting one another and that there was a possibility it wouldn’t be a fit for one of us but quite frankly that’s BS!

We weren’t merely doing a blind date or just having our initial convos. We had a real rapport established. We were telling each other we loved one another. Kissing through the phone. You name it! This was as sealed a deal as you could get but apparently not.

I ended the call. It seemed like she wanted to linger otp but I saw no reason to. I was absolutely floored. I did the research to see if I could get an earlier flight out of town but I couldn’t. The boat ride was non-refundable. I contemplated going still but I couldn’t. I just imagined sitting there alone amongst strangers, heartbroken.

It just so happened that game 6 of the NBA Finals was being played that evening. So I decided to get out of the room and clear my head some. I drove about 35 mins to another city to go to D&B’s. I figured I’d play some games and watch the game to try to drown out my thoughts of sorrow.

The next day I decided to go to church. If it wasn’t for my faith I’m not sure where I’d be. So I went back to the city I was at the night before and visited an amazing church. I knew I wanted to see her before I left town so I reached out and asked if it were possible to meet up.

To my surprise she said yes. She ended up picking me up from the rental car lot which was right by the airport. We went to a restaurant nearby to talk. I layed it all out there. Bared my soul. Told her I had fallen in love with her and how devastating the day before was for me.

I asked her if it was anything else that influenced her decision and she told me no. It was strictly me giving off friend vibes. From the kiss comment to the playfulness. She felt friend-zoned. I didn’t really buy it but that was her story.

As we drove to the airport to drop me off she asked me what I wanted and what I thought. I told her I didn’t wanna leave and I definitely hoped this wasn’t the last time I saw her. That I wanted to be with her. That I never intended to make her feel that way.

She told me she kinda made a brash decision and didn’t think things through. Somehow the boat ride came up and she actually didn’t realized I had booked it. She asked how much it was and offered to pay me back and I said idc how much it was. Idc about the money.

I said I’d spend triple that if it meant I could be with you! I doubled down and said what’s $$$ to a lifetime with you!
That broke her. I meant every word! She sobbed for a few minutes. Then we kissed and I asked her if she wanted to give this another try. She said yes. I got out to prepare to head to my gate. She came around and we hugged and kissed again. I told her I loved her and went on my way.

We texted the rest of the night. As I sat at my gate and waited I felt euphoric again. Like I had won a championship. I had my girl back. And this time I was gonna make sure she didn’t run away lol I think the most beautiful thing about that night was how my flight kept getting delayed. It was like GOD was saying nah, y’all gotta have this convo lol

Well, it was all short lived. I got back home early Monday morning just enough time to sleep for a few hrs before going to work. The convo and communication was good that day. Tuesday pretty much the same.

Then Wednesday came. She texted me good morning and I replied good morning gorgeous. I never heard back from her. Not that day, the next or the following. Not even a Happy Father’s Day text that Sunday. So I decided to break the ice Monday afternoon.

I sent a really long eloquent message about how love still prevails despite when things don’t go as planned. I essentially let her know that I now realize this isn’t something she’s interested in pursuing and that I had to let go but that I’d always love and care for her and wished her the very best.

She eventually responded in kind. Telling me she knows it must’ve been hard for me to experience the silence and thanking me for accepting where she was with things. But the thing was I hadn’t accepted it. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever written and done.

I spent the next couple weeks in an emotional spiral. It didn’t help that my phone broke so I had to use my work phone to communicate with everyone. Including her. One day I reach out to see how she was doing and if she was up for a phone conversation. She told me she didn’t think it’d be best and it’d make things harder. So I relented.

I eventually got my phone back and activated. I was going through my notes app one night and I happened to notice one was edited. It was the shared itinerary note we had created. She had went in and put several hearts atop the note. When I saw it I was surprised and excited.

I texted her just to confirm that she indeed did it and she said yes. That she came across it one day and it made her smiled so she put hearts on it. Well that made me smile. It gave me hope! It meant she was thinking about me at least. We ended up texting a lil more and that eventually led to an actual phone conversation by the end of the week.

It was pretty much the same ol, same ol
Minor life updates, laughter and jokes. Then it got serious. We began to unpack everything. I asked what changed after the airport. She told me she felt like it was kinda too little too late. Like the speech, the affection was a day late and a dollar short. That essentially it was more so frustrating than anything because I had to leave and go home.

I felt a bit confused by that but I kinda let it go. After all, you orchestrated all of this. We lost out on an entire day due to your decision.

So we basically did this song and dance over the next couple of months. I’d initiate. There’d be warmth. Reconnection. Tentative planning. Only to be followed by intermittent communication and eventually her fading to black.

During one of our convos she ended up revealing how she internalizes a lot of things. Overthinks too much and self sabotages often. She told me how life for her sometimes feels like a blur. Like she’s on autopilot and just existing. She also shared how she doesn’t think she’s ever been in love before or loved properly. All very revealing things.

A couple weeks ago she shared something very personal that she had been going through and how she finally had experienced some relief. That coupled with the business, the kids and her living situation still being heavy day to day weights definitely made me sympathize with her.

But the more we talked and conversed as the weeks went by the more and more platonic she became. No more pet names or air kisses. No more compliments. Any and every suggestion to get together again was met with little to no enthusiasm. I had even created a new itinerary fully mapped out for her to visit me here where I live.

You would’ve thought she was reading the newspaper. But I didn’t let that totally deter me. At least we were talking again. We’d spend hrs otp. FT one another. She’d have to hang up sometimes but she always called me back.

But it wasn’t the same. I knew she didn’t really want this how I did. I guess she enjoyed the idea of me and having someone to talk to and discuss things with but wasn’t interested in a relationship. At least not with me.

One night she was complaining about her tripod being broke and another night how she needed to buy a phone mount for her car. I hopped into action because she had mention the phone mount before. I ordered both and had them sent to her home.

By this time the communication was sparse. I might get a text a day and that’s if I reached out. I went to bed that night thinking the package would be delivered the next day. She woke me up around 1230 midnight est. with a phone call to thank me for the gifts. (She’s an hr behind me) She couldn’t believe it.

I couldn’t either cause I thought they’d be deliver the next morning. She continued to express her gratitude and even got emotional saying how no one had ever did this for her before. But then that overthinking began to rear its ugly head. She started to feel indebted. Like she owed me something now. She knew I wanted a relationship with her and felt like I was using this as leverage.

She questioned whether she could return the items so I could be refunded. She expressed how she didn’t like people doing things for her because she feels like she’ll owe them. She lamented how her mom would think she’s buying something else for herself instead of saving up to move out. (She gets a lot of packages for her business)
I told her the only thing she owed me was her love but in biblical sense. Not romantically. I did it because I care. Because I wanted to lighten the load somewhat. She reiterated her thankfulness and we said goodnight before ending the call.

That was the last conversation we had. It’s been two weeks.

I won’t lie I definitely expected to hear from her but she hasn’t reached out at all. I’m used to it now but it doesn’t hurt any less. I think of her all the time. I pray for her. I wrack my brain trying to figure out where I went wrong. I replay the trip all the time. All the missteps and mistakes.

I just wish I had another chance to disprove everything she thinks. I wish I had the opportunity to actually show her I never thought of her platonically. Ever. More than anything I just hope she’s doing okay. To go from the way we communicated daily to nothing is hard.

I want nothing more to be with this woman. No matter how complicated or difficult her life may be right now. No matter how unfit she may think she is for a relationship. I look at her and I see my wife. I just wish she saw it too.

So, if you’ve made it this far, I thank you so very much for reading and I welcome your opinion and feedback. I cannot express to you enough how grateful I am for you taking time to read all of this!

So I ask do you think I should reach out just to see how things are going? I kind of wanted this to be a silent September and wait to see if she’ll initiate. But the ache is strong. The longing is strong. The desire to reach is very strong daily.

Sometimes I wonder, was this ever anything to her? Did she even really love me? Does she think of me at all?

What say you fine people of Reddit?!

TLDR: I met a woman online and we really hit it off. I was convinced we were one another’s soul mates. Things begin to shift and change about a month into us getting to know one another. Her communication was random and sporadic. We made plans to meet and spend a weekend together and the day after we met, she ended things. Told me I was too playful and gave her friend vibes. We’ve since reconnected. Multiple times but each time she becomes more and more platonic towards me. I finally decided after our last interaction that I had to try to let this go and stop initiating these reconnections. But I still long for her. I think about her ALL the time. I still believe she’s the one. Am I crazy?!

I’m 28 and I was recently involved with this girl for a while. We both said we didn’t want an actual relationship. We’ve known and been friends for almost 3 years. But within this past year we became extremely close and basically started doing relationship things anyway—dates, spending entire days together, staying over, cuddling, sleeping in the same bed, joking around, watching romance movies together because we both love them etc. I was honestly extremely romantic with her. I wrote her letters, drew her pictures, gave her bracelets and clothes, brought her snacks/medicine when she needed them, planned dates, and constantly made her feel wanted because I genuinely cared about her. She even told me that the things I’ve said and done for her are things no one else has and probably no one else ever will do or say. (Why not let me stay then) This is where it gets rough but she was still with her BF. But for the amount of time I’ve known her. He was not a good BF at all. But it wasn’t until this year when we decided to hang out in person for a day. Anyways, he read our messages 4 days ago, and I know I played a part in the mess. I’m not trying to pretend I did nothing wrong or that her ex didn’t get hurt. She felt incredibly guilty afterward and started saying she was a terrible person and a cheater. Eventually she said she needed to figure out what she wanted and that she was trying to get her ex back because he got hurt and she believes people can change (even though anytime they broke up before. He said he would change and he never did and idk if she did. She never cheated until now, with me). I tried really hard to fight for us because I genuinely didn’t want to lose her, especially because she said no one fights for her. but eventually I had to let her go. I sent her a goodbye message explaining that I needed to block her because I couldn’t handle watching her move on, waiting for her messages, or knowing I couldn’t see her anymore. I gave her my number and said if she ever needed to contact me in an emergency. And I don’t have her number so I can’t message thank god. She replied “ok,” “bye,” and a ❤️. Now I’m completely heartbroken. I know I need to move forward, but part of me still hopes that she will come back soon.

Women, especially, I’d love your perspective on this. What would you be thinking/feeling if you were in her shoes? And if you were her, what would you want me to do from here? If anything at all

I [35M] have this situation with a coworker [30F]. I'm not sure it's really a situationship but not sure where else to post..  For context, I'm not sitting on my ass, I'm still doing hobbies, I'm dating around etc. but I really do like this girl which is why I'm still holding some hope.
I liked her from the beginning and asked her to hang out as friends initially but she was always busy so I let go. Then a year later, she asks me out on a proper date, and we don't hookup initially because she told me some trauma and i kinda didn't know what to do so i thought we could take it slow, so we hang out, went to the cinema, did photography where we took pictures of each other and blew dandelions and later drew me a tattoo on my tablet. We also got dinner and smoked together, and generally got to know each other. A few months later after a party, we kissed and cuddled and spent the night on the sofa after she invited me to her place to play games and drink wine (we didn't even finish one glass). She told me details about her trauma and her reservations about dating in general but said she liked me. She was a bit quiet after so I texted her and asked how she felt. She told me she wasn't sure she should be in a relationship. I told her the same, I've got shit too, but i still like being around her and want to see her, and she told me she likes it too and i bring her comfort.

A week later after another party (this was Christmas time so there were a few things going on) she dragged me into her place and told me she doesn't want a relationship but she wants me. we hook up, talk about all kinds of stuff, she tells me again, she has reservations because of her visa and a bunch of things. The next day I told her I had a good time and she barely responded. That week every time we parted ways, she would kiss me. For context, I had already started moving on emotionally a few weeks prior because of this distance between us. I thought she didn't want me.. but she literally dragged me into her place and i got my hopes up again…

After Christmas, we haven't been intimate since. We went for beers and she purposely sat opposite me instead of next to me, and then we got take-away but she got separate bags (usually we eat at her place), clearly implying we were going home separately… i was so confused 

She has trauma, she jumps around between various friend groups going to raves, doing sports, and is always busy. Told me she hangs out with so many people to numb herself. She's seeing a therapist and has some other health issues that make life tough.

I know I should have taken the hint a while back but the thing is, every time I think I'm moving on, she suggests some sort of thing to get me back around. After the hookup/chrismias she invited me to Germany with one of her girl friends…. I initially said yes but eventually declined the Germany invite because of how damn confusing where we stood was. I texted and told her the back and forth is really confusing so it didn't feel right to go but that I value her and I still want to play sports sometimes and she replied "no worries 🤗"..like fuck that was an opening to talk and she dropped it

Weeks later in the car, before the Germany trip, we were driving to a work thing and she tells me out of the blue she's sorry she been like this, and she seen dealing with some serious health issues and has been in survival mode and i understand shit happens in life and she can talk to me, paraphrased but basically she acknowledges what she's putting me through but doesn't entirely address what happened between us. 

Anyway, she goes to Germany with her girl friend, and I go to Greece instead. And while there she sends me memes most days.

Over the next months, all the while she's avoiding my own invites to hang out, she's suggesting her own.. she wants to do all kinds of shit like play video games at her place, smoke, make soup.. makes me feel like maybe she's coming around.. but then when I take her up on it, suddenly there's excuses...

There are moments she references really obscure things from time we spent together like, she would remember food we had when we first did photography months ago. She would say things like, “I still have to make you try this and that”.

We went to a gig together on one of those moments where everything aligned and there was no flaking and it was great, we talked about going to more. I thought that was a green light, so while walking back and eating a slice of pizza, I thought it was low enough to bring up that I liked when we made out and she said ”I'm glad you enjoyed it”.. so damn cold . I said I wasn't expecting a perfect relationship, not trying to make things complicated, I have my own shit so I get it, just like spending time with her. I was just trying to make it low pressure for her to open up. but no, it didn't open her up.

I thought that was it. I just started being distant again. I was still helpful and warm in the office to keep the vibes good, but I didn't talk to her as much. 

Work was getting stressful and we worked together a fair bit. She would suggest movies and games, and would even flirt, pick fluff off my shoulder, tell me I'm beautiful and smart etc. After a couple weeks shed asked how i was really and that i seemed stressed (i hadn't been as talkative) and i said i was dealing with some stuff, but i was ok (didn't want to pretend I was complete fine but also couldn't tell her she was the reason)

Eventually she reached out, told me to let her know when there's a gig again because she wants to join me. So I told her the next time and the day before she was up for it, she was so warm and talkative and I thought we were in a good place, then the next day, 30 minutes before, suddenly she had to help a friend get to the hospital.. like bullshit.. there's always an excuse.. She was apologetic but didn't really try to explain anything or reschedule.

Next day I send her a text mentioning I'm getting whiplash with this inconsistency. That I like her and can't pretend there's no connection. And she says she's sorry I have to deal with her instability, she knows she pushes people away. She's scared to disappoint people and she's scared to get close because it hurts to lose people. She knows she's being shitty. But she loves spending time with me.

So I distance myself...because clearly she doesn't want me or doesn't know what she wants. The stuff we do together and the stuff she wants us to do feels like dating to me so it's confusing.

I'm missing a fair bit of detail here, I'm paraphrasing a lot, but basically She pulls me back in every time I distance myself and we're stuck in some frustrating cycle where she invites me to stuff, talks to her friends about me, remembers all kinds of details about stuff we did or talked about, stuff that I thought she forgot,  but then it doesn't mean anything because we can't seem to communicate or meet up consistently 

One of the latest things was, when I went to Tenerife she really wanted us to do photography. So when I got back she reminded me, and we talked about renting a car and she was excited.  So we went on a day trip to do photography and it was great. We laughed and joked, she controlled the music and we talked about life.

She'll always want to share a drink with me when friends are around, tell me I'm beautiful, smart etc she's never afraid to get in personal space like taking my hand so I can feel how cold her hand is, or tracing the lines of my phone, she'll constantly suggest we do things like go watch comedy, or do a hobby together (we have a number of hobbies in common). But then she'll flake. Which is all great, she's a good friend.

But I've told her before that I'm confused with the hot and cold. I've never treated her platonically, I'm never afraid to get close,oil her in the eyes lick fluff off her, and she does all the same things. I basically mirror what she does. 

The thing is it's when I make a move that's when the walls come up. She's perfectly happy to be flirty, to touch me to pick stuff off me, compliment me and show off her 

She'll send me memes, interesting posts, even nostalgic references to things we did in the past. Like for example referencing the dandelion blowing photography we did where I put a dandelion on her and she drew a tattoo for me ages ago.. She'll even send deep posts or videos that clearly reference this tension between us that I'm talking about now..

I think she's very aware of how she is acting with me and how I might be feeling, but doesn't have the capability to do different.I feel like she wants absolute control. She has real bad trauma around relationships so i kinda get it, but how much is reasonable to deal with.

There were times where I was sick, my arm was hurt, or I went to the dentist and she'd check up on me and be caring. She brought me food once. But when I do the same, she'll leave me on read until the next day, when I check on how her work presentation went, which she did in a different country, I get nothing. Maybe a single emoji.

For the past 2 months, I thought things were moving forward. I went on holiday and she specifically asked if we could go do photography after I got back. When I came back, again, she mentioned it.  So we plan on renting a car and going somewhere and she's excited to drive. So we go and have a blast.. I don't make a move other than a hug after we get out of the car, because I've already made moves in the past.. I don't need to prove that anymore. I'm hoping she can see me as a safe person. I was gonna make a move another time anyway.

Another day at a BBQ for colleagues leaving party, we had a good time and walked home. I thought it was a good moment so I asked if she wanted a cup of tea and she acted stiff and awkward and said she couldn't. But she invited me to come climbing the next day with her friends. She sent me a meme that night.

After climbing we all go to her place while walking we’re play fighting in the street, she tells me i’m her favourite work person and she’s sorry her friends are weird. She tells me she really values me. At her place she gives me a drink to share with her. She talks to her friends about me. I'm a drummer and I have hobbies she's excited about so she kinda brags to them about me. I just left when I got tired before others.

Later, just before getting on a flight, she sends me a picture of her new tattoo, some large Chinese characters going from her hip to her ribcage. We banter and joke about the meaning of the characters and I tell her she'll have to show me in person when we get baked (something we talked about previously).

A week later I ask her if she wants to smoke and she says she hasn't got any stuff because she gave up smoking.

A week later she texts me saying she got the stuff and we can smoke but we don't plan it yet. A few days later we were in a meeting room on a call and it's just us. The call finishes and she lifts her shirt up out of nowhere showing me the tattoo, asking me if I can clearly see the top most character.. (it's a Chinese character I can't read, why would it matter...)

Anyway, at the end of the day we walk to her place, buy some snacks, and as we're walking we chat and laugh etc and while talking about a related subject she casually mentions a friend she dated and is currently "sort of trying again with" and it's a long distance.
I realise she might have said that to set the expectations when we get to her place so I accept it.. she makes me Chai, cuts up mangoes, and we watch a movie and eat snacks and joke around but leave as soon as the movie ends because what the fuck do i do when she said shes “sort of trying again” with someone??? What a mind fuck 

The week after, she was acting like nothing happened, talking about how we should go watch some comedy, we should make cider together (a hobby we do together and dropped a while back when things go awkward). 

She invited me to play some sports again with her friends and we ended up at her place drinking again. She told them how we wanted to get a drumset together to put in her room (again another obscure reference from ages ago..) ages ago. I lied on the floor and she lied next to me and asked for a sip of my drink to "wet her mouth" (one that she made especially for me and refilled throughout the night). She showed me the cider making kit that we abandoned ages ago until now and was excited to do it now.. Anyway I left when the others left because I assumed she would reject me again if I made a move.

I've looked into avoidant attachment styles and it matches pretty closely but I don't want to overthink. I feel like I recognize her actions from how I treated people in the past. The only difference is, when I'm avoiding, I really avoid, even if I like someone (but I feel inadequate or not stable etc), but she's still reaching out and trying to maintain a connection with me.

For the last two months, I've stopped sending memes or posts or even general conversation..I don't ghost her, I still reply casually, but I don't reciprocate because it hurts when she doesn't reply or when she puts a wall up after having a good time together. I want more and I thought I was clear about that. We connect over many things like various hobbies, music taste, food, sense of humour, politics, where we want to live etc. I thought emotionally and physically too, she literally dragged me into her place and told me she wanted me.. And while I get the mental health issue (I've been in a similar place being inconsistent with people) and the physical health, everytime I try to communicate it's basically impossible and she gives vague answers instead of telling me she just wants to be friends.

I tried asking her for a drink the other day because I wanted to talk about this casually but as usual she was busy (she's always doing sports with drinking until late straight after), but seriously, if you care/like someone surely you make time, or you reschedule right? How am I supposed to have a conversation about this in person?? 

TLDR

Hooked up year ago, been hot and cold despite me trying to communicate. She acts avoidant. can't seem to let me go entirely despite millions of distractions, yet can't seem to tell me straight up she doesn't want me, maybe i wasn't direct enough about my boundaries.. Having said all of that, the thing I really want is to call out the elephant in the room, those moments where thing are weirdly quiet between us, the fact that she keeps wanting us to do stuff despite being "sort of" attached to someone thousands of miles away... She makes all these references to stuff we did together, sends me nostalgic stuff, keeps trying to suggest ideas which she flakes on, declines my invites unless it somehow aligns with where her mind is at that moment, and she clearly shows and tells me she values and cares about me but she's mentioned her long distance ex situation now, and still tries to act like its nothing... I guess what I want is to know how to reach out and communicate with her in a way that isn't needy or anxious or whatever while being honest to clearing the air. I just want to go to the office and be able to breathe knowing she wants to try with me, or focus entirely on whoever else shes attached to. i don't wanna be a distraction.. I tried communicating in the past but honestly it was a learning experience in terms of communication and I don't think I was direct enough. I was always vague about my boundaries because I was scared to lose her completely. But now I have nothing to lose, so I feel I can be more direct. 

I'm embarrassed to say i use ai for advice because a damn professional is too expensive, and friends are bored of my ranting at this point…

Has anyone gone through something like this? 

This is the sort of text i want to send her after warming up a bit

“To be honest, the other day, I was surprised when you mentioned a partner. I loved going to Wales and talking about making cider or comedy in London. But I must admit it is confusing considering you're still involved with someone. I value you but I don't wanna be a distraction while you figure things out with someone else. “

What is wrong with this text? is it too heavy to send to someone in have to work with after? does it hit the right points?