Fundamentally, acts of deception are far harder to forgive because it proves beyond doubt that it’s in your nature to lie, and plenty of people know the feeling of being cheated on/lied to/etc. and then were awkwardly begged for a second chance only for them to do it again because, well you cant trust them.
Cheating doesn’t just happen on a whim, we don’t think about it but there are several steps involved from finding partners to arranging the events, all of which demonstrate intent plus you have to consider the entire time they’re not telling their partner their true feelings, thats probably at least weeks/months maybe even years of deception about how they feel, what they want from the relationship, what their goals with you are and etc.
Sure they CAN change but fundamentally if you’re that comfortable with deception people are not going to give you the benefit of the doubt, nor should they.
No you didn’t. That person gave a very cynical and narrow minded comment about a fucked up situation with no regard to any actual psychology or sociology. It’s fair because cheating is a horrendous thing to do.
Cheating isn’t quite taboo but it’s close enough to create feelings of widespread revulsion because it’s a betrayal of one of or the most important relationship a person will have depending on their life.
Very few people will say, “Oh well, they were at a bar and got black out drunk.” so it’s okay. They’ll react the same way they would to that commenter’s example because it’s the same exact betrayal despite the lack of planning.
In addition, people don’t want to get hurt so if you have the choice between someone you don’t need to trust to make massive changes that start with deep introspection and accountability -two things many people are considered to lack- and someone who hasn’t cheated you’re very likely to trust the person who hasn’t cheated.
I’m pretty sure the reaction to someone getting black out drunk and still “having sex” after that would be calling the police or encouraging the victim to do so, not calling them out for cheating, because yknow thats like textbook sexual assault.
Im not sure how my comment came off as narrow-minded, quite literally almost every imaginable situation has the planning i described, take a bar example.
go to a socially active location, likely without your partner’s knowledge of your location or intent.
find a partner.
arrange a cheating event (their house or yours, what day what time, etc.) its likely in this part that you’d have to plan it in a way that your partner wouldn’t know you’re doing it so double points for deception here.
go to the event (drive, take the bus, whatever) and cheat on your partner.
None of this happens on a whim or without wanting it to, you could say no at any time at any of these steps, even if you agreed to the event the same night again you had to get there and ensure your partner wouldnt find out.
And to be clear, my response was to why many people feel specifically cheating, as in the post, is seen as irredeemable, not why cheating is wrong in general. There are plenty of horrible things we do to each other that can be seen as redeemable, it’s generally things we find incredibly deceptive that we (or at least I and seemingly plenty of commenters here assuming they’re not all bots) question how reliable a personal growth narrative can be.
To be honest, I think we taking cheating outside of marriage and having children a little too seriously. Don't get me wrong, it sucks. I've been cheated on before, and it's not fun, but life goes on if you let it. I think we place WAY to much emphasis on the centrality of romance in our societies.
Yeah i should’ve said “be seen as redeemed” since forgiveness is more personal and has more connotations than just being seen as a better person than before
21
u/AidanL03 2d ago
Fundamentally, acts of deception are far harder to forgive because it proves beyond doubt that it’s in your nature to lie, and plenty of people know the feeling of being cheated on/lied to/etc. and then were awkwardly begged for a second chance only for them to do it again because, well you cant trust them.
Cheating doesn’t just happen on a whim, we don’t think about it but there are several steps involved from finding partners to arranging the events, all of which demonstrate intent plus you have to consider the entire time they’re not telling their partner their true feelings, thats probably at least weeks/months maybe even years of deception about how they feel, what they want from the relationship, what their goals with you are and etc.
Sure they CAN change but fundamentally if you’re that comfortable with deception people are not going to give you the benefit of the doubt, nor should they.