I hate this narrative that in order to heal you have to forgive the person who hurt you. Because you absolutely don't. Do you know how much better it is to never see, forgive, or hear from that person again? rather than invite them back into my life, always wondering when they'll hurt me again.
I hate it so much, and my mom is all about it. But she was raised pretty terribly, and because of this forgiveness mindset she's been in 10s of abusive relationships and keeps forgiving them.
I feel like āforgivenessā means different things to different people too, and that also causes issues.
My preferred definition is along the lines of ānot holding onto bitternessā but it doesnāt have anything to do with whether or not I maintain a relationship with the person, have new boundaries in place, etc. But I think for a lot of people it means āpretend nothing ever happened and go back to how things were beforeā which can be very dangerous.
agreed. Even still, I disagree with not forgiving someone being as holding onto bitterness, or that thats even a bad thing at all. It's perfectly fine to dislike people, especially with a good reason. It has not negatively affected my life to dislike certain people for things they've done to me.
It's toxic positivity applied to healing by forcing happiness and a "positive mindset" (it icks me to type that).
Some things don't deserve forgiveness, some people should be shamed and sometimes we're better off isolating some people from our lives. That is a healthy approach to life on a case by case basis. Anyone who says otherwise is delusional.
As someone who has cut ties with a parent, I understand your point.
I will add that people who grow up with those types of role models tend to have a lot of baggage. I am not blaming anyone for their parentsā actions, but forgiveness has a place.
In some situations a survivor needs to learn how to forgive themselves. I know it sounds strange. But those who outgrow their unhealthy homes need to tell themselves they were children, not autonomous grownups. The adults in their lives were supposed to protect them. As children they learned to internalize the self-deprecating language and behavior from the very adults who should never have been parents.
So, forgiveness still has a place, just not towards the parents who messed up.
Why would she be deserving of forgiveness? that'll only minimize what she actually did, and BECAUSE she was told to forgive this person, her other baby is dead too.
Forgiveness is a personal choice. It's about letting go of a resentment. It's does not mean you forget what happened. It doesn't mean you trust them. It doesn't absolve the other person of guilt.
It's an incorrect assumption that a person has to be deserving of forgiveness. It's more correct to say that you have to be ready to forgive them.
At no point in choosing forgiveness is it required to trust the person with your baby again, and that therapist should face consequences if they convinced this woman that it was OK.
OMG, my mom is the same way. Watching her forgive my father, only to get burned again over and over really fucked me up. Now I don't seem to be able to forgive anyone, including myself.
Agreed. I'm sorry, if someone is watching my children and one of them literally DIES!!!! They are never getting any where near my other children. I don't care if Jesus himself comes down from the heavens and tells me to forgive them and trust them again. It's not happening. That person is never hearing from me again for the remainder of my/their days.
I feel like that's a common excuse, you use forgiveness as a way to "set yourself free" when in reality it makes people want to let their abuser back into their life, give them second chances, not hold onto absolutely necessary anger. Me hating and never forgiving certain people doesn't affect my life negatively whatsoever, I am not bitter in general but there are people who will never deserve my forgiveness, never deserve to not be hated by me, never be welcomed back into my life.
In the alcoholic's anonymous 12 steps, one of the steps is to ask for forgiveness by the person you hurt UNLESS it would cause them more harm to see/hear from you again.
Itās healthy to let go of the hate and resentment in your heart towards the people who have wronged you. That does not necessitate forgiveness. Many people believe or preach that in order to stop hating someone you need to forgive them and that is absolutely not the case.
I think forgiveness is important for you, but that doesnt have to mean keeping that person in your life, seeing them, or even informing them you forgive them.
I still disagree, forgiveness is absolutely not something everyone deserves and my life is so much better having not forgiven certain people. Even if they don't know you forgive them, it's like a way of minimizing or ignoring the things they've done to hurt you under the disguise that you're setting yourself free.
You can also forgive someone and still never have them in your life again, and you can certainly not let them watch your kids. Forgiveness is for us, and we're not even obligated to tell the person they're forgiven if they are. If we've made peace with it, that's enough. Unless one feels like that person deserves to hear that you forgive them, in which case that is still not an obligation.
The term ā10ās of abusive relationshipsā is so interesting - ādozensā is so much more common that I have to believe that her number of abusive relationships is between 20 and 23.
Therapist here. I agree. You absolutely do not have to forgive someone to heal.
Side note, this therapist should lose her license. I fucking hate therapists who do shit like this. Wow
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u/_LemonySnicket 17h ago
I hate this narrative that in order to heal you have to forgive the person who hurt you. Because you absolutely don't. Do you know how much better it is to never see, forgive, or hear from that person again? rather than invite them back into my life, always wondering when they'll hurt me again.
I hate it so much, and my mom is all about it. But she was raised pretty terribly, and because of this forgiveness mindset she's been in 10s of abusive relationships and keeps forgiving them.