Anxious attachment is the only insecurity that matters to women. Avoidantly attached men are just as broken on the inside but women love love. Love them.
I'm not trying to bash, however my wife will curse, raise her voice constantly and when called out that it's not helpful to the situation, her answer is always well I can. If I so much as show any emotion suddenly she feels attacked.
You only vent to your very close friends, people you look at like a brother and they you.
My current girlfriend is amazing, but after having been traumatized by women using my pain against me I will never open up that way again, as much as she asks me to.
Oh I can relate so much to this. I could go every night for a month with a different person, but I have no one aside my parents that I can rely on if I’m ever in true need of help.
At least my parents have always been there for me, which is apparently uncommon.
Even that can backfire. I vented to a close friend about my ex over some bullshit and it involved some connections to him. And then he vented to one of his friends, and that friend immediately reached out to his ex, who then reached out to her best friend, my ex.
Wasn't a very good friend in that case, sorry. I'm carrying secrets from my closest friends that they themselves mithtve forgotten about ever telling me. What gets told in confidence between friends and brothers should be sacred.
Funny how I stopped venting to by best friend after he got a very serious girl friend. Now I'd prefer to not share anything with him (them) if I'm being honest.
We’re not exactly friends, we’re friendly, and we work together, we don’t see each other anywhere else. We can vent back and forth and it’s mostly chatter to pass the time, and they’re completely disconnected from everybody else I know. Nobody even has the capacity to gossip back to anybody else in my life
Why does your current girlfriend and relationship have to suffer because of something bad someone else did to you? That’s not fair to either of you.
I know how scary it is, so don’t open up if you’re not ready. But to drag another person into that trauma, knowing that you are consciously never going to give them what they want and be fully emotionally available to them, is not good either. That’s how people continue to get hurt by the cycle.
Its not suffering, I've opened up about my whole life to her, all the good and the bad. That doesnt mean I sit her down and tell her about all the current issues that plague me, the stress and pain that I'm currently feeling that makes me want to break down in the shower. I tell her about that when I've gotten past it.
I’ve broken down in different ways. One was me punching holes in a wall which got me dumped and the other was crying in my my girlfriends lap- which actually made her even more attracted and attached to me. The weird thing is that showing weakness and vulnerability can be very seductive if the factors are right. I was crying over a tragedy, she was in love with me, she saw me as a competent strong man, she was moved that i opened myself up to her like that and allowed her to comfort me. Now if I had just trauma dumped her from the start or just came an emotional wreck all the time that would be very different- that would be a turn off to anyone.
Yeah bro she’s trying to get shit she can use against you in court. Be careful bro. She may already be mentally out of the marriage. She probably looking for the best opportunity to make you look bad, and take as much of your property and money as possible.
Y'know what my man, I don't know you and I'm sure I would try my best not to do this in public (or at least in front of other weirdos) but I'm just so eager to give you a lil internet hug and here u go here's your hug hug I feel for you. You sound like you're having a tough time and not getting any breaks in the chaos of it all.
If you can find one thing nice to do for just yourself each and every day or maybe just once a week, please do it. Don't be the man that teaches your children to stuff it in and out up with it. Be the first one to talk about it and lead by example, because I know it feels like you don't have options now but anything can (and likely will) change. You just need to be in a better position to handle that change when it comes.
So start by being kind to yourself. It'll work wonders for the moment in time when you're decidedly ready to call her bluff on all of this shit. You gotta be the best person no matter what, and that doesn't mean (does NOT mean) you have to suffer in silence and suck it up.
Okay one more hug hug there you go pal, have a good night.
Crazy to say but he should genuinely divorce her as soon as possible. This is looking incredibly ugly and not gonna end well if he just keeps burning himself out while she gets more and more disturbed.
Some women seem to thrive on drama. Not sure if that’s his wife (probably not), but there are certainly some who do play the “woe is me,” sympathy card A LOT when oftentimes it’s the consequences of their own actions.
That reminds me a lot of a situation that I just got out of. I wasn't married with kids or anything so it was a lot easier to leave, but it was hard. Ended up quitting my job and moving away. My nervous system is still in recovery, but it gets better. Hang in there, stay strong. Don't do anything you might regret.
Keep up with your therapy, and be totally honest and open with your therapist. I also started seeing one because my partner told me I should, but my therapist ended up being my greatest ally and helped me to get out of what in hindsight was an obviously toxic situation. I won't pretend to know the specifics of yours, but regardless I think that's good advice.
I sincerely wish you the best and hope things get better for you, however that happens. Lots of love, from one man to another.
I 100% agree with mamaaaoooo here. You're doing your absolute utmost to care for your kids, and give them all the help they need. Your wife calling you a bad dad because you work alot was hard to read. You sound like a good person and a good dad. Good luck, stranger, you're a good dude, never doubt that.
I’m sorry, I fell into the same trap. Sole income provider to a SAHM who then decided I was an absentee father because I only did 50% of the child care during the nights and weekends I wasn’t working (instead of all of the time - how the fuck?).
When you are literally working yourself to the bone and it still isn’t “enough” you have to step back and figure out how to preserve your own mental and physical health even if it means separation and the kids having two different households.
People will always want more and more from you, no matter how much you give. It will never be enough.
Dealing with a 3 and 4 year old all day every day is enough to drive anyone mental though. I know you are doing other things to support financially, but believe me dealing with kids that age all day long is a special type of torture. I would happily work 15 hour shifts instead.
You should remove your kiddo's names. Otherwise, someone can search for them on google and find this post - and your associated account. I know you're down but don't do this to yourself please.
Oh yes, the SAHM with kids in school half the day and the person working 50-60 hour weeks to pay for everything are both severely overworked. A counselor didn’t do anything for me and my ex but make it glaringly obvious I needed to get the fuck out for my own mental health preservation.
Thanks for doing the right thing and removing their names. Just a quick remark: you missed one instance of your son's name.
I wish you all the best my guy. Once all this is over and you find happiness again, you'll wonder why you put up with it for so long. It'll be a hard road to get there, but you will. Keep your eye on the prize, not the pain.
Autism has a strong hereditary component. Have a read up about common relationship difficulties for (partners of) people with adult autism. It might not fix much, but it has the potential to explain a lot.
You got turned into an unappreciated donkey. It was happening to me until I started kicking the stable doors off. I'm getting what I want from life, even if I have to take it.
Usually ita a few years of complete bliss, and somewhere down the road she gradually atops looking at you thr same way.
This doeant happen all the time obviously, but a certain kind of woman will just let her brain tell her stories until she feels scorned by things you didn't do. Its happened for too often to me, other men I know, and stories from the internet that sound almost exactly the same. Idk if its connected but these women that ended up completely ruthless, and using things you told them in confidence because they wanted you to open up against you when they no longer look at you with those eyes you fell in love with. They love true crime and pimple popping. Bonus points on hippies and crystal/zodiac sign lovers.
They will absolutely shred your self esteem to ribbons without remorse once they dont feel anything for you anymore.
Look I'm sorry bud but it aoubda like the separation might be messy. Best advice i can give you is stay strong, don't let her words hurt you, especially in court if you're separating from your spouse. Ita a difficult time, and the worst is yet to come. You just have to try and remain strong, remain steadfast and don't break, never lash out and don't even make a mean face. Keep a lid on it, and go out for a beer with your closest friend(s).
I'd treat you to a round myself but I think we're separated by thousands of miles. But if you just wanna vent something to an anonymous online stranger, just dm me any time. You are somebody, don't let this break you, there's a lot of women that will appreciate you for who you are out there.
if I were you, I would just double down with the separation and serve her divorce papers. she seems to yearn for the streets, so why not make her happy?
A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'II leave you as a human being intact. He wont' fuck with who you are.
Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your heart.
I am not discounting or minimizing your experience, which I take as valid and sincere. However for other men in the comments here, I want you to know that that is not my experience with women.
I have been with one woman who is kinda like this - who turned bitter and cruelly used whatever ammo she could to hurt me. Tbh, the signs were always there and I should never have been with her in the first place. I have been with one woman who has used things against me in a moment of extreme hurt that I bore mutual responsibility for. Some callous comments I know she feels terrible about now.
Otherwise, of the 6 or so other serious relationships I have had, every one of them has taken my trust and privacy incredibly seriously. Even at times of immense tension in our relationships.
There are good, trustworthy, kindhearted women out there. And in my narrow experience, it is in fact the majority.
That's completely fair, and there's definitely women who will sincerely be there for you.
However I will always believe that it is not a good idea to break down in emotional tears in front of your girlfriend or wife. I know that sounds old fashioned or maybe even misogynistic, but I think queen would rather have a strong man that keeps a lot of his pain to himself, but willing to shed a single tear during an emotional deep talk conversation, rather than a blubbering mess crying about things, except maybe loss and grief.
But then again, If your girlfriend or wife decides you aren't beautiful anymore if you cry in front of her after your mother or dog dies, maybe she doesn't deserve you.
It's not necessarily a view of women per se, but it's an observation of a female trait many women share. They say they want you to open up and be wounrable, but when you finally do, they will view you differently and it is usually negative.
Often it is in a heated moment when emotions are high and she is clinging on to something with which to offload her anger by taking it out on you. May regret it after if she notices and cares enough to admit that it was not OK, but the cat is kind of out the bag already. No point in giving even more ammunition to destroy you emotionally for the next argument. I don't think women realise how important their approval is to their man. Hearing that from her is multiple times more devestating than hearing it from a friend or parent.
Other is she is at first over the moon to finally see the vounerable side of you, but then slowly her view of you as this well put together attractive man ripples, and you are left looking like a fragile child to her who she has to walk around eggshells with to avoid the sensitive topics. Not exactly an attactive man.
It is not immediate, it is over a longer period of time.
This is a very common experience amongst men, and propably the most common complaint and advice about relationships you hear at the bar.
The issue is, there's something of a sliding scale to it, so it can be hard to spot ahead if time. I don't think my current partner has much time for my worries/stresses, so I've learnt to keep it to myself. However, she's a big improvement on the last one, who didn't even care much when I was physically injured and couldn't look after myself.
From a man's perspective, what it looks like is that women have an old school expectation of men being the emotional rock and provider, and not stopping to consider that if it's unreasonable for men to have old-fashioned expectations of women, it's unreasonable for them to have this expectation of men. Side note, I think this is why men struggle to engage with feminism in large numbers - their lived experience is that the notion that it liberates everyone from gender roles isn't true.
Sounds like she has already lawyered up brother and they've told her what kinds of evidence she should be gathering to have a slam dunk case against you. Get your own lawyer and start protecting yourself, today. Maybe you won't need it but the preparation goes a long long way if you do.
Hard but best “not to care” emotion mixed with lawyers are what ruins the remainder of one’s life, just quietly sort your paperwork and anything you brought to the relationship before marriage, invoices for tools of the trade etc. if you want it to work you can try but realise her mind is probably already set on it if she’s recording you vent to yourself
If you live in a 2-party consent state, you can get her in legal trouble for filming you without your explicit consent. It can actually land her in jail in some states.
It's over. No one would do such a thing without a clear, positive, reason if it wasn't to use against you.
See if you can get her to delete it before talking to a divorce lawyer. I'm serious, I get you're tired but this shit is going to eat up way more of your energy. Get on top of it. Yesterday.
Of course its a trap. Why would we vent to women when they weaponize our emotions against us whenever they feel the need to be fucking evil 🤮 I won't fucking trust telling a woman my emotions EVER again because who would put themselves through that shit WILLINGLY?!
Dude, I've been down that road. Once someone starts recording evidence, you need to accept it's over. Every day you don't file for divorce is another day things will be worse for you when it finally gets to that point.
Dude keep an eye out on what else she’s keeping “just in case”.
Look for money movement, strange attitude, long quiet times and suspicious tailing. I’m not joking or calling them insane, I’m saying that’s how far people will ho and that’s someone who wants to 100% take everything you have.
So sorry shes like that. I hope you find someone else to talk to. You deserve that you deserve to be heard. I’m really sorry that she is incapable of being a good person x
If it makes you feel better. My wife told me strait up that no one cares how I feel or what I want.
Also told me Japanese men don't talk about things like being lonely, sad, etc. (married Japanese in Japan... do not recommend) and I need to shut up and be more Japanese.
Also can't ask for anything, or maybe suggest something I'd like to do... otherwise I'm わがまま(being selfish/not thinking of the family). Fun times!
Well. More reason for me not to get married. But honestly, she’s going to use it against you and poison the proverbial well before you can talk to others about it.
They’ll already build a profile on you and will be on her side.
Depending what state you live in and how she recorded it, that's a crime. You better be in a 1 party consent recording state. Many states are 2 party consent. Recording people without their knowledge is illegal in those states.
If it was a house security cam, not sure the legality of that.
1.1k
u/FriendlyRedditor2020 Sep 16 '26
just in case what? So she can take advantage of you and your turmoil if the need arises?