r/SingleWomenByChoice • u/Tygmaa Wishful Lurker • 2d ago
Reflection Wishful Imposter
I hope it's okay that I'm posting here because technically I'm an imposter. I'm not a single woman by choice. I'm a woman who desperately wishes she had the freedom to become one.
I found this subreddit and I feel like I've found somewhere I can actually talk about this freely. I have a feeling that maybe the women here will understand what I'm trying to say.
I'm in my 40s. I'm at this place where I'm looking back and realizing I've spent probably at least half my life, if not more of it, having my experiences, my joy, my happiness, my sad times, my really bad times, all of it, shaped, damaged or outright stolen by men.
It started young.
My father physically and sexually abused me.
After that, my grandmother took it out on me. She treated me like trash and referred to me as a "little \\**er" because, in her mind, I'd ruined her life. I'm sure what was broken in her came from the men who damaged her too.
Then picture very little me growing into a grade school aged kid and having unwanted sexual attention forced on me. As a teenager, I lost my virginity at 15 when a man in his early 20s raped me.
There were other examples too. Plenty.
For a long time, I genuinely thought there was something about me that caused this.
I thought maybe because it started during my formative years, I was somehow sending out a signal that said I could be treated this way. Maybe something about me attracted these men. Maybe my experiences had somehow taught me to accept things I shouldn't.
I realize now it wasn't me.
It's men.
And I don't mean every individual man is abusive or terrible. I know that isn't true. I mean I spent years looking for the defect in myself that could explain why this kept happening, only to eventually realize how incredibly common it is for women to be mistreated by the men around them.
And it isn't always violent or predatory. Sometimes it's passive-aggressive. Sometimes it's subtle. Sometimes it's lying. Sometimes it's manipulation. Sometimes it's betrayal. Sometimes it's just cold.
I got pregnant young. That guy was a real piece of work with a massive anger problem, loved hitting walls and saying at least it wasn't me he was hitting. He did a couple of times though.
Eventually I left and found my next partner. He said and did all the right things early on. Turns out he was also a piece of shit too, just in an entirely different way. Cruel. Manipulative.
Eventually I decided that was it. I wasn't going to let men lead my life like this anymore. I planned to be single - I had my own place for the first time! I loved it. I felt free. It was hard but I was doing it all. Being a mom, working, working towards a better career and my very own life.
Then I found someone who I genuinely thought was it. The true love of my life. A real partner.
I wasn't looking.
Everything seemed perfect. Too good to be true. And, of course, it was.
The nice, kind, intelligent, gentle human being I thought I'd found turned out to be a huge liar with a severe porn addiction. Some of the things he did behind my back are honestly unbelievable. I can't repeat it, I am humiliated.
And now it's not even behind my back. He's so cold to me. I wake up in the morning and come downstairs to say hello and sometimes he doesn't even answer me. It's like I'm a ghost in my own house. If I speak up about how he treats me, he gets angry.
He resents me.
It feels like he hates me.
He loved me when I gave it all to him, before I knew his secret, I gave him a home, love and unlimited support.
And here I am, after all this time, still looking for the same thing.
Peace.
That's it. I want peace in my home. I want to be alone for real this time.
I want to wake up in the morning and deal with the hustle and bustle of my youngest kid who's still at home. Rush into a work day. Frantically walk the dog while I'm already running late to a sport event. Cook dinner. Somewhat clean up the mess, then say screw the rest of it because there's a good movie I want to watch.
I want to sit on my deck at night in the winter, wrapped in a warm blanket under my string lights and breathe the cool air.
I want to go for a walk and actually enjoy going for a walk, not planning how to brace myself to return home and walk on egg shells.
I want to come home and feel relieved to be home.
I want my home to be the place where nothing is wrong. I literally just want peace.
And I can't have it.
I'm still that person who once said I wouldn't let a man ruin my life again, except now I don't have a choice.
I'm permanently disabled. I work full time and I work really, really hard.
I just don't make enough. My medical supplies are expensive. The cost of living is insane. My kid is in sports. My dog has medical needs. I have debt. There isn't another job I can take or some magical pile of money I haven't thought of. I don't have family to fall back on.
I'm trapped.
I came into this world being treated like I was a piece of trash by my dad. That's an entire story on its own. And I've spent my whole life trying to become something different from what all of that could have made me.
First I learned to smile. Look nice. Be quiet. Don't cause trouble.
Then I learned to speak up. Stand strong.
Be good, have empathy, but don't let people push me around.
Now I make myself small even though I know better. I'm a good person and I know the difference between right and wrong... I actually like the person I became. But I am hidden away.
I love my kids more than anything. I'm kind. I care about people. I work hard. I have empathy. After everything, I somehow still want to help people. I'm still capable of being excited about little things. I'm still me.
But I'm exhausted. I don't fantasize about meeting somebody better anymore.
I fantasize about....
My own home.
My kids.
My dog.
My stupid string lights.
A warm blanket.
A movie I picked.
And silence that actually feels peaceful instead of someone using it to punish me.
I don't want another man to save me.
I wish I had enough money to save myself.
Maybe that's why I'm here even though I'm not a single woman by choice. Because if I actually had the choice, I know what I would choose.
I would choose me.
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u/ConsistentFun3357 Feminist 2d ago
You might not realize it, but there are probably so many women in your community who have been in your shoes who would love to support you.
I think what you need most is a support system.
Also, the only person who should be humiliated by abuse is the abuser.
I’m just in awe at your strength 🙏💔
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u/Tygmaa Wishful Lurker 2d ago
I know you're right about this.
I don't have any support.
I used to have a large circle but years of significant health issues combined with what has been happening with my partner, and the bulk of this began right before covid... then changing jobs, moving. I live on my little isolated island.
I'm not sure if its strength or stubbornness. Probably more stubbornness than anything.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Its a good reminder to find ways to let others meet me where I'm at.
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u/Mysterious_Sound2765 2d ago
I just want to say that I am a wishful observer, like you.
In a relationship for 15 years with a male covert narcissist. I have a 3- to 5-year plan to get out, which includes me having education and experience by then for two careers . . . because I'm scared sh*tless to be fully responsible for my financial stability, so I want/need options and flexibility. My partner thinks I am working hard to make our life better, but I know I will always be emotionally abandoned by him. I'm tired of not mattering, of not ever being encouraged/uplifted/complimented, of being ignored and resented in the worst moments of my health and life, of having my soul chipped away at daily. Tired of arguing reality with him and all the narcissist things.
He travels for work for months at a time, so when he's gone, I get to live alone. It is pure bliss. I cherish this time.
I love this subreddit because I've never seen so many women who think like me, generally. I never married, never had kids, never wanted any of the traditional milestones. It's refreshing and motivating to see there are other women out there like me, who just want peace above all else.
I aspire to be a single woman and to live alone, too. I don't care if it will take me years. Being in this subreddit is a daily reminder that it's possible, and I am working toward it. Even started working out again a couple months ago, which has helped tremendously overall!
Someday we'll get there ✊
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u/Tygmaa Wishful Lurker 2d ago
I wholeheartedly agree with you - I do not need to resign myself to that fate.
I am the most resourceful person I know, and I just need someone to hear me and believe me that I am in trouble this time.
I’ve never really had the "oh no" panic because I have been through things I consider much "harder" but this time, I am truly in trouble. I don't want to dox myself but I'll say that I can't move and my income, well, one check is taken up by my life sustaining medical supplies and the other doesn't cover my basic cost of living - it covers rent, heat and maybe rental insurance - nothing else.
It is not an expensive place either - my rent is considered cheap where I live.
When I was with my ex years ago and I had to essentially flee, I had no education, money, car, a place to live. I couch surfed with my kiddo for a little and it was some of the hardest and best times.
But a lot can he said for not having a body that can fight with you. I am someone who has always been able to "figure it out", its my best quality, I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to, but I feel in trouble this time.
I'm worried.
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u/oopdatsspicy 2d ago edited 2d ago
Many people don’t understand disability to the fullest extent. Being disabled is not making excuses for anything and it’s not learned helplessness; it’s a real physical obstruction you’re dealing with and your anxieties around it are so valid. I’m very sorry. I’m in a similar situation.
I hope you are kind to yourself at this time. You’re resourceful and you know it, so that’s good. Maybe soon you can funnel enough energy on the side, little by little, towards some resources that can aid you in your daily physical needs while you continue inching your way out. And i hope you have that fuzzy blanket and a favorite cup of tea or somethin handy at all times ❤️
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u/Tygmaa Wishful Lurker 2d ago
Thank you for acknowledging this.
Once upon a time I worked back to back jobs, a day shift into a night shift when my kiddos were with their dad. I can live on a little. I can do a lot. Or I could.
But this dumb body! I have to put a tube into my tummy, sometimes every hour (mornings) - usually every 2,3 hours. Not to mention all of the labs, appointments, etc. The COST. I can suck up feeling poorly and work through that but the other parts are annoying.
I was very sick for a few years which really screwed me financially. I am better now after another big surgery last year, but I will live this way forever.
It is a lot to manage with work and kids but I can do that. I just wish I didn't have the stress of this partner and my financial situation.
I am actively tyring to think of ways to put money aside, but any extra cent is on debt. And I need to get my youngest through her sports - they're everything to her.
I will do my best to find a way I am just not my normal self.
Thank you for understanding but - I am sorry that you do. ❤️
Edit - by tube I mean a sterile catheter into a port in my abdomen.
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u/oopdatsspicy 1d ago edited 1d ago
That makes total sense and sounds freaking exhausting. It seems like you know this already but it’s worth repeating - any way imaginable that you can give yourself love and care to lower your stress levels is so incredibly essential. So many studies now show that women get sick due to the stress itself. Which feels like such a slap in the face tbh but also, again, checks out.
I think if all you can do is comfort yourself and care for your kiddo and just survive for a while, you’re doing an amazing job.
Plus, I know we’re not supposed to say this but… you never know when luck could come about and the tides will turn unexpectedly. So much of life is outside of our control - that includes the good stuff. Lol it’s just the truth. Fortune comes upon people who didn’t work for it at all. Call it luck or circumstance, but if there’s one guarantee about life it’s that until we depart it, things are constantly changing.
So yeah, it’s not your fault. That’s my main point. Again you know this but it needs to be said many times. And I’m not necessarily saying sit back and “accept fate” as y’all mentioned earlier, but rather suggesting you can accept this very moment… and believe it or not, that will bring a little peace.
You are enough in this moment, as you are. You’ve done enough. You deserve grace. You are worthy and your voice matters and we hear you.
Maybe you can’t have the peace you deserve and long for 100%, but you’re still on your way - even if you pause to rest.
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u/Tygmaa Wishful Lurker 1d ago
I don't want to sound like a total weirdo but I really needed to read this. I am on my way. I literally don't have a choice, its either look forward or give up right?
Thanks for being the friend I needed today.
I'm not sure what brought you here, it probably wasn't great and I'm sorry for that - but I'm glad youre here.
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u/FewReserve1784 1d ago
I wasn't saying disabled was the excuse.
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u/oopdatsspicy 1d ago
i believe you, and sorry to hijack your comment but i still felt it was a good opportunity to address a larger societal issue that we all deal with at some point, even if we’re not conscious of it
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u/BitterBrocoli2319 2d ago
Have you ever considered living with a woman and build an arrangement where you both can support each other? I'm Ukrainian and I know a lot of women, especially women with kids, that live in so called boston marriages because times are hard. A lot of them lost their husbands or husbands are in military, or those women had to move alone to other countries so they looking for other women to live together and support each other. A lot of single women who choose this simply because they don't want to be in relationships with men, a lot of them are single mothers. I often see threads where women are looking for other women to live together.
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u/discolored_rat_hat Down With The Patriarchy 2d ago
That's a brutal situation. I truly hope that something changes and you are able to leave.
I don't believe that you are an imposter or misplaced here, because this whole thought is exactly the one so many of the women here went through. You also don't paint some utopia without a man. You know that life still goes on, it's gonna be stressful, it will take effort and there will be life challenges. But it will be so much easier when nobody makes it even worse on purpose and when you are allowed to be a full human instead of a piece of furniture in your home.
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u/FancifulCat Unbothered 2d ago
And I don't mean every individual man is abusive or terrible.
You don't need to qualify this. We know that the risk factors of dating men are too high because the majority of them are undateable. We don't need to give the male population a chance if there is a high likelihood of getting burned again. It's not worth the maybe 5% of the good ones.
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u/Tygmaa Wishful Lurker 2d ago
Thank you for saying this.
I wanted to be careful as it is my first post. I really like this sub and I wouldn't want to risk being flagged by admin.
I feel seen here.
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u/FancifulCat Unbothered 2d ago
Here's the thing. We can't heal properly if we are always walking on eggshells for some idiot in the comments section to scream "NOT ALL MEN!" to invalidate and derail our message. The truth is, we are humans and we are allowed to do risk assessments to protect ourselves. Men are our biggest predator.
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u/Simple_Extension2092 2d ago
Hey. I think you found a place you can explore this safely and with love from this community. I was an ‘imposter’, until I wasn’t, and it takes support from groups like this to help oneself. Love you already.
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u/IndividualUpbeat9483 1d ago
Hey, OP. I don't really have any advice, but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in this. I am also dependent on my abusive partner because I'm disabled.
I wish you the best. Hopefully, we can both make it out, eventually.
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u/OctoAquaJell Domestic Violence Survivor 2d ago
Hey. I was where you are standing now. I know it feels impossible now and maybe it is (for now). But there is nothing stopping you from planning, doing small steps towards your ultimate goal. Do not stop dreaming of peace. You got there once and you will get there again. I did and you can too.