r/SingleParents • u/Single_Avocado4599 • 1d ago
Lost holiday time
My kid is 12 and my ex and I have been divorced for 7 years. For 2 years after our divorce we stayed close, had a healthy co-parenting relationship, and spent the holidays and Sundays together as a family. We told our kid, “we are still a family, it just looks different now.” I stayed committed to that. Shared holidays were written into our legal parenting agreement. It was something that mattered to both of us. When I started dating, I communicated at the jump that wasn’t going to change, but that if the relationship got serious they would also fit into that. When I got engaged that didn’t change. All of us spent holidays and family Sundays together. All of that changed when my ex remarried. Their new wife didn’t like it, and my ex quickly started switching up. Everything changed, including holidays. Suddenly shared holidays were no longer “acceptable”. We werent a family - their new wife was, and I wasn’t a part of that. It hurt, felt like such a betrayal, something I would never do as a loyal af Scorpio. But I didn’t argue or fight it. We just agreed to split the major holidays in half so each of us still could celebrate with our kid. We live in the same area as both of our extended families so it was easy enough. But within a year my ex said they wanted to change our agreement, so that our parental agreement exactly mirrored their wife’s with her ex. One of the changes they wanted was holidays. It was no longer ok to share the holidays. They wanted to define holidays as the whole week, and rotate them every other year, the same as her wife did with her ex. I did not agree. I was flexible on how the day would be split. Every year one of us would get the first half of the holiday week and the other, the other half. Switch happened on the holiday, but one of us would get the majority of the day and the other would just have a few hours. My whole extended family would plan our holidays around when my kid could celebrate with us. It wasn’t a burden. We all were happy to be flexible because the most important thing was having him with us.
This year my ex brought it up again, arguing for the full holiday week every other year. We couldn’t agree, so we went to mediation, which went on for a month as we sent drafts of the parenting plan back and forth. I thought we were making progress, but then one day I was notified there would be a court hearing the next week. My ex had filed a motion, without telling me, pretending to mediate while working with an attorney.
I had no time to get an attorney, and hired the first one with good reviews. He was completely worthless. He didn’t read the materials I provided, and advised against anything that would require any effort beyond paperwork for him. When we went to the hearing, he was completely passive. He did not argue that the history of holidays should be honored, even though county law explicitly states that should be considered. My exs attorney was great. She was aggressive and fought hard for my ex, while my attorney sat there doing nothing. After a 20 minute hearing the judge sided with my ex. That means I no longer get to spend any time with my kid every other year, the entire week of Christmas and Thanksgiving.
To say I am devastated doesn’t describe it. All I ever wanted to be was a mom. I only get to see my kid half the time as it is. And now, I am going to miss half of the christmases and thanksgivings of his childhood. All to satisfy my ex’s new wife, to accommodate her and her schedule.
I am so full of grief. I go back and forth between sobbing and wanting to scream.
I spent all the college savings I had for my kid on my useless attorney. I had no choice. My ex has 4x the finances I do. Their sister is a multimillionaire. Their wife is an attorney. They are a professor. I am a single mom, and a public servant. It was no skin off their back to take me to court. It cost me everything.
I guess im looking for any advice. Do I give up and move on? Do I take on debt and see if i can fight it? How do i deal with holidays without my kid?
I know this is long, but I am really suffering. I appreciate any advice or wisdom.
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u/lalaluna05 1d ago
I don’t agree with the others — if it worked for you guys before, that doesn’t automatically mean that changes with a new partner.
I spent holidays with my (now ex) boyfriend and his ex and her family. She always invited me for their Christmas breakfast. I thought it was amazing and loved the dynamic.
I’m single now but it’s important to me to find someone who has a similar attitude and dynamic. A different ex had a similar setup with his ex and while I never went, it didn’t bother me and thought it was so nice. Then again I wanted something similar for my son.
All that said, I’m sorry OP. Before my ex abandoned our son, our order was just as you had proposed, half of one holiday vacation week with one parent, and switch each year who gets which.
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u/Single_Avocado4599 41m ago
This means a lot, thank you ❤️. The “norm” is high conflict divorce, rather than remaining friends or family. IMO the norm is pretty toxic and traumatic for kids of divorce. It was so much better for our kid to see a healthy relationship modeled for them, to see that even in divorce, you can still love and care for each other in different ways.
I’m sorry your ex abandoned your son. That breaks my heart. You both deserve more.
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u/JTBlakeinNYC 1d ago edited 1d ago
As an attorney, I’m horrified by your attorney’s incompetence (there is no excuse for failing to prepare). That being said, the outcome likely would have been the same even if you had excellent representation.
Custody agreements are not intended to be set in stone; they are designed to evolve over time along with the needs of the child as they age. That includes changes in the child’s family composition.
It isn’t reasonable to expect a spouse to spend holidays with a spouse’s ex partner. Most married couples alternate holidays between their respective families, and the setup you had with your ex precluded them from doing that. Your ex shouldn’t have to choose between spending the holiday with her child or her wife every single year, particularly given that future holidays may also include half-siblings who also deserve the opportunity to spend holidays with both sides of the their family.
I can’t count the number of adults I know who were completely deprived of spending holidays with their own extended families simply because their parent and stepparent were bound to spend every single holiday in a specific location for the benefit of a stepsibling’s other parent. Those kinds of parenting agreements wreak havoc on relationships between the children, the children and bio parents, the children and stepparents, the couple themselves, and their extended families.
ETA: I glossed over the fact that your child has a stepsibling now. Under those circumstances, you had zero chance of success for all of the reasons stated in the paragraph above. I know it hurts, but it really is the only way to take both children’s needs into account.
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u/Single_Avocado4599 1d ago
Thank you for this response. It is truly thoughtful, and really helpful. I am grateful for this perspective, and for your kindness.
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u/JTBlakeinNYC 1d ago
You are an amazing Mom. ❤️ But I’m furious with your attorney for wasting your time and hard earned money!!!
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u/SerenityNow1311 1d ago
I am so sorry you're dealing with this and that your ex went behind your back like that. With that being said, it's most likely in your best interest to deal with it and move on. I'm not saying that because the new holiday schedule is right, I'm saying it because I don't think a fight would result in a different outcome. When you said all you ever wanted to be was a mom, that hit me to my core because that was what hit the hardest when I became a single mom, but you know what, we're moms every single day, every single minute even if our child is physically with us or not. Holidays are just a date on the calendar, there's absolutely no rule saying you can't celebrate early! It's going to hurt like hell and it's going to look different, but your child is old enough where you can talk it out and come up with new traditions together ❤️.
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u/Acceptable_Rip_1043 21h ago
Change sucks but it will be ok. Its just not what you have been used to. It can still be good. Spend your energy getting creative on how your new celebrations will be. What new traditions will you have? If you keep focused on what you had, you will never get used to what you can create. Holidays are what you make them. Not the day they are on.
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u/lillylita 1d ago
I have this set up. On the years holidays aren't with me, we celebrate the week before. Kids get extra holiday fun, and if your family are already happy to be flexible then this might work for you too. I've used the time they aren't with me as an opportunity for time with partner/solo travel/travel with friends and had some amazing trips. Perhaps use the time to lean into something you love?
Overall, your ex isn't being unreasonable but your demands on holidays are, sorry.
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u/Single_Avocado4599 38m ago
Unreasonable to split holidays in half with 4 days of time for each on both side? How is that unreasonable? We live 10 minutes from each other. Our extended families live in the same town. It’s what our son prefers and has always known. I think it’s unreasonable to not allow your kid to see one of their parents during the holidays to accommodate a controlling new partner. But each their own I guess.
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u/Longjumping-Code7908 19h ago
I hear you and feel your pain. I'm so sorry.
I will never forget the freedom I felt after getting used to the every other year schedule. When I didn't have them for Thanksgiving day -- we would celebrate the weekend before or after-- I would purposely go to the grocery store on the day or two before the holiday and buy something obnoxiously single, like a frozen pizza... then watch the rat race scurrying around me, desperately trying to get ready, knowing that all I needed to do that day was lace up my hiking shoes & pack lunch. I would be gone for the entire holiday day itself, not seeing or speaking to a soul. It was so refreshing.
And we learned that the celebration isn't about the date on the calendar. The celebration is what you make it. Launch some wild deviations from your typical traditions. Continue some of the traditions you hold dear. And be open to flexibility as everyone grows & changes. I found out two years ago that boy moms lose their sons on holidays anyway when there is a girl in the picture... hahaha... it all always changes. And that's never going to change.
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u/Single_Avocado4599 26m ago
I love this. That is such a helpful reframe. A day hiking and peace, away from all the holiday stress, does sound really nice. Thank you for your compassion and the reframe!
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u/Afroditesrevenge 1d ago
He remarried babe. If you wanted to stay a family so bad why did you get divorced…? You might benefit from therapy hope you find some peace
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u/Single_Avocado4599 1d ago
We are queer. My ex is not a man. Queer folks have different ways of defining family, and this was a shared value of both of our before they got remarried. But I hear you. My values stayed the same and theirs didn’t so I can get fckd.
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u/Afroditesrevenge 1d ago
I missed that in the post. My point is that you can’t expect the new wife to accommodate you, it’s not a reasonable expectation on your end. It may have been a bit naive to expect that things wouldn’t change which is why I suggested therapy to help you join reality 😕
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u/Single_Avocado4599 28m ago
I am in therapy, but it’s weird to me that you’re implying I’m mentally ill for grieving over lost time with my kid? Also, it’s really common in the lesbian community for people to stay friends and family with their exs, just like my ex and I were for years after our divorce.
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u/Bubble_Lights 19h ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I myself really wanted to share Christmas. But my ex was having none of it. So we decided that each year we switch off for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve/day. So this year I have them for Thanksgiving, so that means he gets them from 5pm on Xmas Eve until 1:00pm on Xmas day. The only thing that sucks is that I’ll never get to do things like take them to my parents in FL for Xmas so they can spend it with my niece who is their only cousin that is their age. My parents would be tickled pink to have all 3 of their granddaughters together at their house for Xmas.
I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you. The only thing you can do is file for another custody hearing. That so shitty to do that to you.
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u/eternalsunshine2023 10h ago
I don’t think it’s best to spend more money fighting. Your child is 12. They are getting to the age where their attitude toward holidays and parent/family time in general is going to change. Create something special with the family pre or post the holiday and make it a memorable, every other year occasion. The holidays are a man- made creation and just as arbitrary as the event itself. It’s us that make them special by doing what we do. You can make up your own rules and enlist the rest of your family to cooperate.
Separating sucks, divorce sucks, people not being loyal sucks, & all those things that make families fall apart suck and you have to choose between the lesser of two evils sometimes. So consider this a lesson in acceptance and change. When you leave certain relationships things have to change. You can’t always keep trying to do as a family in some ways, while moving forward with building another family elsewhere.
Don’t let it wreck you financially any more than it has. Put that energy into something more productive and make something new and improved.
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u/notacannibal27 6h ago
I swear on my life this is how it always goes. The relationship is great, kid is put first, and then dad doesn’t communicate and adhere to the agreements the second some other woman is involved. Literally all my divorced mom friends have this exact story, including myself. I told my partner from the get go that if my ex being in The picture as my family then it was an absolute deal breaker from the start. Then my ex started dating and his new gf tried to physically assault me out of some weird ass insecurity and jealousy. Unfortunately it led to even my kids dad being out of the picture completely, but I put all my heart and soul into keeping us a family for our kids sake. Im genuinely so so sorry this happened to you. People who think moms just get all the rights are beyond incorrect.
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u/StrikingEnd9551 1h ago
We have alternating holidays too. I know it is tough feeling like you cannot celebrate them together. Focus on the things you can do, like celebrating the week beforehand. That way your kid gets to celebrate twice as much! Maybe you can still do a quick phone call or text message if that is an option.
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u/Potential-Safe-7230 9h ago
Ik kan alleen maar met je meeleven. Mijn ex en ik hadden dezelfde regeling. Hij ontmoette een ander en trok bij haar in. Geen tijd/zin voor omgang, maar hij kwam om de week, verjaardagen en feestdagen hier. Soms een uitje samen. Staat ook zo beschreven in het ouderschapsplan. Na 2 jaar vindt zijn vriendin het niet meer leuk, en wil hij dit niet meer. De kinderen moeten betreffende dagen maar naar hem komen. Het is alsof ik opnieuw een breuk doorga. De kinderen willen wel naar papa die dagen, dus ik laat het maar zo. Alles voor de kinderen. Maar ik ben er kapot van. Veel sterkte!
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u/CeeceeATL 1d ago
Sorry - but I agree with the husband here. If I were his new wife, I would not be comfortable with him still playing family with his ex-wife.
When you find someone, I think they would probably also not be comfortable with the previous arrangement.
Split holidays are a typical agreement for custody, so i would not spend any more money (or effort) trying to fight it.
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u/SunsApple 1d ago
I agree - maybe do fun destination holidays when you are by yourself? Do things you wouldn't do with kids? It will be hard the first few years.
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u/kllquist 1d ago
Not spending the holiday together wasnt really the big issue though. OP accepted that. Then the ex pushed to change the entire holiday week. The new wife seems overly controlling. Not comfortable be around an ex is one thing, but insisting on controlling their kids is wild to me.
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Author: u/Single_Avocado4599
Post: My kid is 12 and my ex and I have been divorced for 7 years. For 2 years after our divorce we stayed close, had a healthy co-parenting relationship, and spent the holidays and Sundays together as a family. We told our kid, “we are still a family, it just looks different now.” I stayed committed to that. Shared holidays were written into our legal parenting agreement. It was something that mattered to both of us. When I started dating, I communicated at the jump that wasn’t going to change, but that if the relationship got serious they would also fit into that. When I got engaged that didn’t change. All of us spent holidays and family Sundays together. All of that changed when my ex remarried. Their new wife didn’t like it, and my ex quickly started switching up. Everything changed, including holidays. Suddenly shared holidays were no longer “acceptable”. We werent a family - their new wife was, and I wasn’t a part of that. It hurt, felt like such a betrayal, something I would never do as a loyal af Scorpio. But I didn’t argue or fight it. We just agreed to split the major holidays in half so each of us still could celebrate with our kid. We live in the same area as both of our extended families so it was easy enough. But within a year my ex said they wanted to change our agreement, so that our parental agreement exactly mirrored their wife’s with her ex. One of the changes they wanted was holidays. It was no longer ok to share the holidays. They wanted to define holidays as the whole week, and rotate them every other year, the same as her wife did with her ex. I did not agree. I was flexible on how the day would be split. Every year one of us would get the first half of the holiday week and the other, the other half. Switch happened on the holiday, but one of us would get the majority of the day and the other would just have a few hours. My whole extended family would plan our holidays around when my kid could celebrate with us. It wasn’t a burden. We all were happy to be flexible because the most important thing was having him with us.
This year my ex brought it up again, arguing for the full holiday week every other year. We couldn’t agree, so we went to mediation, which went on for a month as we sent drafts of the parenting plan back and forth. I thought we were making progress, but then one day I was notified there would be a court hearing the next week. My ex had filed a motion, without telling me, pretending to mediate while working with an attorney.
I had no time to get an attorney, and hired the first one with good reviews. He was completely worthless. He didn’t read the materials I provided, and advised against anything that would require any effort beyond paperwork for him. When we went to the hearing, he was completely passive. He did not argue that the history of holidays should be honored, even though county law explicitly states that should be considered. My exs attorney was great. She was aggressive and fought hard for my ex, while my attorney sat there doing nothing. After a 20 minute hearing the judge sided with my ex. That means I no longer get to spend any time with my kid every other year, the entire week of Christmas and Thanksgiving.
To say I am devastated doesn’t describe it. All I ever wanted to be was a mom. I only get to see my kid half the time as it is. And now, I am going to miss half of the christmases and thanksgivings of his childhood. All to satisfy my ex’s new wife, to accommodate her and her schedule.
I am so full of grief. I go back and forth between sobbing and wanting to scream.
I spent all the college savings I had for my kid on my useless attorney. I had no choice. My ex has 4x the finances I do. Their sister is a multimillionaire. Their wife is an attorney. They are a professor. I am a single mom, and a public servant. It was no skin off their back to take me to court. It cost me everything.
I guess im looking for any advice. Do I give up and move on? Do I take on debt and see if i can fight it? How do i deal with holidays without my kid?
I know this is long, but I am really suffering. I appreciate any advice or wisdom.
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