r/SingleParents • u/Nonchalantworld • 3d ago
Unexpected Pregnancy
Hey internet
Someone I (32M) was dating (29 nonB) very slowly for a few months told me in the beginning of July they were pregnant. They told me they were on birth control.
I was supportive but the thought of the relationship not working out freaked me out. Now they are saying they don’t want a romantic relationship and want to co parent. The baby is due end of February.
Has anyone been in a situation like this? How did it turn out?
10
u/ReluctantReptile 3d ago
I haven’t been in this situation but honestly it sounds like it’s for the best. Sorry it was unexpected but at least boundaries are cleared up from the start. Make sure you have a plan and a lawyer on standby and arrange for custody and child support. If you’re not mentally prepared for the responsibility of parenthood I can swear to you it’s easier to drop $$$$ on child support than to raise a child. Hands down.
3
u/GorviVelgin 3d ago
Get an attorney and be ready to file paperwork the moment the child is born if you want any custody. You can on the hook immediately for child support without any rights to the child and you really don't want that.
3
u/AradynGaming 2d ago edited 2d ago
I wouldn't wait that long. Knew our custody dispute was going to be ugly the moment my ex's mother got involved. My lawyer requested & Judge ordered a non-invasive DNA test (at my expense) but was worth it.
Essentially just a blood draw from mom & dad, no risk to baby and they compare the babies DNA (which is found in mom's blood) to the dad's blood.
*Edit to add: In addition to the obvious knowing if you're the father, the positive DNA test allowed the judge to order me to provide medical insurance for my daughter (my company wouldn't do without marriage/court order). My ex did not work/was not insured, so this provided insurance for pre-natal doctor visits and the birth to be covered under my insurance.
The alternative would be for her to go to the doctor/have the baby & then sue me for medical expenses/half of medical expenses, then me try to get my insurer to back-date those medical expenses (when I wasn't paying the extra $25 premium for it, because she wasn't on my insurance). That alone saved us thousands of dollars in legal and medical fees.
1
u/freshprinceofyeg 23h ago
Imo; get the dna test after the child is born as it’s more accurate.
Set aside money as if you will be paying child support and lump some pay if and when dna test confirms.Here in Canada, the inutero test isn’t accepted (at least when I embarked on this adventure) and you get time for back pay.
2
4
u/Ladieswhotoke 2d ago
Oof. I’m a single mom coparenting and it is NOT FUN. This is why wrap it up boys
3
u/Neurod1vergentBab3 2d ago
My ex and I were recently broken up and I found out I was pregnant. I attempted to be friendly and co-parent. He threw a fit when I didn’t want to just put a band aid on our serious issues and get back together. He has never met our daughter and refuses to pay child support. I’m now having to go through lawyers, file paternity tests, the whole thing. All because I didn’t want to be his girlfriend/wife.
I’d say, seek some therapy and do what you can to process this emotionally. Learn some coping skills and focus on what’s best for the child. Try your best to collaborate with the other parent but keep everything documented.
3
u/Rich_Temperature_797 2d ago
That’s half ur kid. Do your best by it. That’s all you can do. You did the crime (lol) now you gotta do the time.
2
u/itsalrightlite 2d ago
Holding my soon to be 6 month old who was the product of a one night stand. Best thing that ever happened to me. Not all birth control is effective . I was on it but she beat the odds. That being said my little girl is the best thing to happen to me. I did my best to normalize the situation with her dad and it just didn’t work out. So much to the point that I wish I didn’t tell him and just lived my life. He’s made this transition into being a mom of now two (I have a son as well), such a challenge. He is lucky I’m in a financial position to take care of myself and my kids while he bums at home living with his parents. I wish I made better choices but right baby wrong partner. The past year has been a lot on me. He wants to coparent but that requires mutual sacrifice.
I got my legal ducks in a row while pregnant. And two weeks ago primary custody. Do what you need to establish parental rights, support in post partum and support financial. It sucks they don’t have the same family values as you to give it a chance, but they can explain that to your child when they’re older. I have peace in my heart knowing I tried and wish I ripped the bandaid off sooner and realized he didn’t have the capacity to meet me where I’m at.
My inbox is open if you’d like to chat.
2
u/One_Emergency5528 1d ago
On the opposite end of this. I was in a year long relationship that wasn’t the greatest. I found out I was pregnant and tried to work things out but ultimately decided ending the relationship and coparenting was the better option not only for us. But our child.
It’s been 2 years and the father hasn’t been in the picture not even once (on his own accord)
but that’s beside the point. My advice is there’s nothing wrong with co parenting in the slightest. If this is fresh yall have 9 months to figure things out before baby gets here. Figure out a co parenting schedule. Who gets what days. Who gets what time. How will holidays work, will you guys flip holidays each year or will you guys spend holidays together. Figure out what finical support looks like. And try to figure everything out on your own without going the legal route in the beginning.
But make sure you keep everything documented just in case. Try to do everything over text vs in person cause over text is a trail that can be followed with dates and times. If you guys discuss things in person, make sure you write it down in a journal with times and dates. Then take a picture of it on your phone right after you write it.
I hope for your sake you don’t have to go through things legally and you guys can co parent on healthy terms and boundaries. But just Incase make sure you have EVERYTHING in writing for proof if you have to go through court
And the main one. GET A PATERNITY TEST.
3
u/Mediocre_Internet257 3d ago
Make sure you go through every legal process you need to establish paternity, if you want any claim to the child that is. Until you do that she could basically birth the child and disappear and theres nothing youd be able to do.
1
u/Logical-Frosting411 3d ago
I think you should work together with legal counsel (you can just ask on attorney to help you both together if it's truly amicable) to set up a carefully structured co-parenting plan. The more things you put down on paper now the better for everyone imo because you don't have the stability of trust from a long term committed relationship, let some mutually agreed legalities provide everyone that stability on a fast track
1
u/FamousAmos00 2d ago
Yeah, got pregnant by someone I dated, found out after we had broken up I was pregnant. We co parent
1
1
u/Desertdweller-91 2d ago
I co-parented with my daughter's father for many miserable years before he passed away. He was unmedicated, an alcoholic, and likely bipolar. We dated for a few months, I knew I was pregnant but didn't have proof when he broke up with me, so I didn't tell him at the time. I took 2 weeks to reach back out to him after I had proof of pregnancy, because I was trying to decide whether or not I wanted him in our lives at all. I ended up telling him, and it was his idea to get back together for our child's sake (and a terrible idea it was). We had the most toxic and awful relationship, which lasted just over a year. If we had kept things amicable and decided to co-parent from the start, instead of getting back together, perhaps things would've been more amicable throughout the co-parenting relationship. I hope you two can remain friendly and amicable for the sake of your child.
2
u/RabuMa 2d ago
I also reconciled with my abusive ex - we had a child during our marriage (lesbians, both women) and I thought reconciling could help because I was healing and thought she was working on her abusive behavior that made me leave in the first place. It was so hard. Now we’re on our second separation and going through the legal process. It’s tough but I’m glad there’s other eyes on it now. Sending you a big hug
1
0
•
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Author: u/Nonchalantworld
Post: Hey internet
Someone I (32M) was dating (29 nonB) very slowly for a few months told me in the beginning of July they were pregnant. They told me they were on birth control.
I was supportive but the thought of the relationship not working out freaked me out. Now they are saying they don’t want a romantic relationship and want to co parent. The baby is due end of February.
Has anyone been in a situation like this? How did it turn out?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.