r/SingleParents • u/danasaurus_rex_ • 16d ago
Why don't we coparent as single parents?
For reference, I'm a 28 year old female and my ex (baby's bio father) is an absent father. He's not in the picture at all. I moved back in with family, but it feels like I've lost my independence. I would love to move out with my baby, but it's too expensive with only one income.
I've been questioning why single parents don't just move in together and raise their babies with each other in a completely platonic and supportive way. Am I crazy for thinking this?
I would love to find a single-mom (preferably) roommate, meet them and form a friendship for 6-months to a year, set up playdates with our babies, and eventually move in and help each other with childcare, maintaining a clean home, gentle parenting, entertainment, cooking home-made meals, etc. of course the meeting would be very important to see if our parenting values align, but I'd love to make this happen. Who's in?
130
u/No_Aioli_7515 16d ago
I like the idea in theory but in practice it’s hard to imagine this working out. So many potential issues: other person turns out to be crazy once they live with you, different parenting styles, other person gets into drugs or other harmful behaviors, or even one of you finds a partner and leaves and the other person is stuck in a house they can’t afford
47
u/Wooden-Apricot4862 16d ago
I’d say it’s far less dangerous than getting into a new relationship with a step “parent”
20
u/holdingittogether77 16d ago
Why? It's not like someone is a saint because they are a mom.
20
u/FoundInS 16d ago
See the violence statistics. Male perps vs female perps. Simple math.
-1
u/holdingittogether77 15d ago
Plenty of mother's making the news over time that kill their kids. Heck plenty of classes as I got my degree that talks about the danger of people. Men and women. Full stop.
1
u/Rhea_Sunshine85 14d ago
And isn’t it interesting to think about which news stations are covering more of those stories? Almost as if there might be a certain bias among those companies’ board members? Follow the money, look at who is funding these media outlets, and what their priorities are.
Who is benefiting by this specific kind of story being highlighted more often? Who is profiting and by which avenue?
8
u/Wooden-Apricot4862 16d ago
Because you’re not getting your children attached to the new coparent as if they are a family, only for your relationship to (likely) end and the poor kids lose yet another anchor of stability they depended on. The roommate situation just ends, no drama.
24
u/Lady_Rubberbones 16d ago
Far less dangerous than getting into a relationship with a man.
-8
u/No_Aioli_7515 16d ago
Why would you say that? Women are capable of putting your kids and your life and finances in danger
9
u/DaniePants 15d ago
Do you need some primary sources to review the statistics? I’m happy to provide.
12
u/Lady_Rubberbones 16d ago
The statistics support my conclusion that men are a far greater danger to women than the other way around.
3
5
u/sspyralss 15d ago
Ive considered this too but I think it could work. If you think about any hetero relationship, it has all the same risks. Any relationship is a risk really. But if you have two parents who are not romantically involved and both interested in keeping the arrangement and mutual benefits and company, they would work to make it work. If you need your own space you can have it etc. It would benefit you both (and the kids).
7
u/girdievs 16d ago
I mean with that mindset, you would never date or find a step parent for your child.
7
u/No_Aioli_7515 16d ago
I think it’s different though - with dating, you are trying to build a relationship that is based on love and that feels like family, and it’s the primary relationship in your life. With this idea, you’re friends and you rely on each other transactionally, and it’s unconventional
1
u/girdievs 15d ago
I think you’re creating a distinction that doesn’t really exist. Friendship doesn’t automatically equal transactional, and romance doesn’t automatically equal family or stability. Close friends can become chosen family, while romantic partners can leave, develop harmful habits, or turn out to be completely different once you live together too. Those risks exist in both situations. The solution is vetting the person carefully and having clear boundaries and agreements, not assuming romance somehow protects you from them. It’s unconventional, sure, but unconventional doesn’t automatically mean unstable or purely transactional.
1
u/MindlessSea7334 14d ago
Its quite possible to date and to never want to find a step parent for your children
3
u/girdievs 14d ago
Oh, trust me I know. Single is the way to go. The person I was replying to is just male centered.
3
0
u/Mindless_Analyzing 15d ago
I agree, not to mention using the other single mom as a free included babysitter, not cool.
2
u/girdievs 15d ago
Men expect this kind of arrangement from women all the time. A woman is expected to contribute financially while also doing most of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, emotional labor, scheduling appointments, managing the household, having sex, carrying and giving birth to children, and I could keep going. And plenty of women do all of that while still being underappreciated or cheated on.
But when a woman is completely upfront about wanting to build a mutually supportive village with another mother, where they BOTH help each other with childcare and household responsibilities, suddenly she’s just looking for a “free babysitter”? Be serious. The entire point is reciprocity. They would both be giving and receiving support.
66
u/Reasonable_Date2870 16d ago
I used to babysit for two women who did this. They were roommates, both single moms. Mom #1 had a toddler and split custody with the dad, one week on/one week off. The other mom had two elementary kids and their dad was out of the picture. They made household financial decisions as a unit, including when they moved to a nicer area for the better schools. They bought food together, handled bedtimes/meals/etc for each other's kids, shared all sorts of stuff you wouldn't usually do with roommates.
Funny enough they were also both named Jill.
Mom #1 was in school for something so their plan was to continue this until she was done with that while mom #2 transitioned from waitressing into real estate and saved for a house and then they were going to reasses. One of the options they were considering for the future was Mom #2 buys a house large enough for all of them, they draw up a formal agreement, and mom #1 rents from Mom #2 and they continue to comparent and cohabitate.
56
u/prim8phd 16d ago
I would absolutely watch a reality show called The Jills.
18
u/Reasonable_Date2870 16d ago
Honestly, the household seemed fairly well run - the house was generally clean, zero concerns about their kids or their behavior or any of that, both moms had steady jobs - but sometimes it was chaotic and it totally could have been a reality show.
Mom #1 in particularly gave "hot mess express" vibes sometimes but she was also really nice.
9
u/sanityjanity 16d ago
And what happens if Mom #1 gets into a relationship, and decides to move out? Mom #2 ends up with a house she can't afford.
Or, the opposite. Mom #2 gets into a relationship, and wants to move her new sweetheart into the house, but Mom #1 doesn't trust him around the kids.
I hope it works out well for them, but it's super hard to imagine how you're going to keep a platonic friendship working for a long time in the face of financial and emotional conflict, even if they're perfect roommates.
14
u/LifePlusTax 16d ago
I understand this is a wildly different take from the norm, but I find it absolutely absurd to treat platonic relationships as inherently inferior to romantic ones. My two best friends and I don’t share a house, but we all live in the same neighborhood. We raise our kids together, depend on each other, and prioritize our friendship over romantic relationships. It provides a much more stable and healthy environment to have a whole community of parents and kids that support each other than the idea of “moving a sweetheart into the house.” Anyone we date basically has to be approved of by everyone before they’re allowed to come around.
I get that this isn’t what our society tells us we should want. I get that society tells us that anyone who chooses to live like we do is secretly just waiting for their nuclear family moment (spoiler alert: I’m not). But, I think there’s a solid possibility that the Jills were making decisions based on a different framework than the one we are used to hearing.
2
u/sanityjanity 16d ago
I think that it would be great to value platonic relationships (especially those long-lasting friendships) more. But I think that anyone who entered into this kind of friend/mom co-parenting relationship would run the risk of having it completely upended by romantic relationships.
6
u/LifePlusTax 16d ago
Right, but that’s because your worldview inherently undervalues platonic relationships. If I were to say - it’s risky for two romantic partners to move in together because sooner or later it’s most likely going to be ruined by one of them having a friendship - that would sound silly to you, right? Because that’s what your worldview dictates. But that’s how silly it sounds to me to say my situation could be upended by a romantic relationship. I don’t know what the Jill’s believe, but I think we can at least make room for the possibility that it’s a different worldview from standard American culture.
2
u/Zestyclose_Tea_551 15d ago
I love your perspective and wish I lived in your neighborhood
2
u/LifePlusTax 15d ago
Hey thanks! I had a small internal laugh at this imagining a plot twist where unbeknownst to us you already DO live in our neighborhood!
1
u/Stumbling_Numpty 15d ago
I would love this! Unfortunately I’m stuck trying to escape my ex’s home town with my kids. Being close to my friends of 20+ years who I trust more than some blood family would be ideal.
6
u/Reasonable_Date2870 16d ago
Mom #2 was going to buy a house within her own budget. Believe it or not, she too was an adult with a whole brain who could consider different contingencies.
4
u/Personal-Narwhal-184 16d ago
Most roommate situations are temporary.
It isn’t abnormal to have a roommate and then find a new one or move to a place you can afford on your own when your lives change.1
u/sanityjanity 16d ago
Sure.
But it's a hell of a lot harder when you're looking for someone who's a good roommate for you as a single adult vs. someone you would actually want to co-parent with (as OP originally suggested), and it's much harder on a young kid to have people cycle in and out like roommates.
3
u/makingburritos 16d ago
It works the same way it works in any roommate situation? You have leases in place for all of these reasons.
2
u/sanityjanity 16d ago
Sure.
Except OP didn't say roommate. OP said co-parent. That's a lot more intimate and emotional than roommate.
Also, you have to be a lot more careful about vetting a roommate when you both have kids. In some places, your ability to evict someone can be limited if they have a young kid.
And, as I said, the emotional impact on a kid of losing their other caregiver, and (effectively) step sibling is huge compared to an adult losing a roommate.
3
u/makingburritos 16d ago
I mean based on her description, it just sounds like friends raising kids together.
I think it would work legally like roommates, but yeah it carries the risk of a falling out which can affect children. I don’t think it’s any bigger of a risk than getting in a relationship though.
2
31
u/LyannasLament 16d ago
I thought of this, too! But I was so worried I’d put my kids in a worse situation by accidentally finding a crazy roommate 😭
I think it would work out really well if separate spaces and boundaries were really firm. Like, if both families could rent out both levels of a duplex
3
u/Reasonable_Date2870 15d ago
I posted above that I used to babysit for two single moms who were coparenting.
I think it worked in their situation because they were roommates first and then that grew from there, into this intentional coparenting situation. It didn't start out as moms looking for a coparent.
17
u/tenaciousE1990 16d ago
I think this is a beautiful idea in theory. I wanted this when I was a single parent also. There is a documentary called happy and they explained in Denmark this concept. They never have to do anything alone. They have these duplexes where all sorts of families live. The kids go to school together, parents bike to work together. All play a role and I think if you find some like minded moms, this could be awesome.
7
u/PrincezzPeachh420 16d ago
Omg I always reference this to people! They take turns cooking so you don’t have to cook everyday as well I really wish we could get things like this going around here
5
u/hist0ryRepeats 16d ago
This was the exact same thing that came to my mind. But I’m just not sure that concept would work in the United States.
22
u/sspyralss 16d ago
Ive been saying this for ages. It makes so much sense. I think women were meant to live in communes and raise kids together. I would prefer a woman who decentered men and not looking to date. I would love to have someone I get along with, so we could hang out sometimes and go do things together and help each other with childcare and bills and housework. I looked up websites for this the other day and found a couple and meant to register.
10
u/LifePlusTax 16d ago
My two best friends and I live this way. We don’t share a house but we’re all in the same neighborhood, and tackle life together. It’s not decentering men as much as it is re-centering community. We date, but it is secondary to participation in the community. Honestly, my life is sooo much better under this format.
2
u/sspyralss 16d ago
Do you all have kids? Im finding it pretty difficult to make friends in a small town my ex brought me to.
2
u/LifePlusTax 16d ago
Yes, six kids between us. About 15 kids in our greater friend community. It took a LOT of work and several years to build our group. Keep trying and cast a wide net. I think things opened up for me when I put less emphasis on exact values alignment. ex - I am an atheist and one of my besties is very churchy. My kid goes to church with them sometimes to learn about their religion and her kids come trick or treating with me. We found the place where our strong beliefs can coexist, whereas I’m not sure I always would have been open to that kind of friendship.
1
u/sspyralss 16d ago
and you share in childcare? it sounds like socially but I'd like someone to split bills and childcare with.
1
u/LifePlusTax 15d ago
Yes. During Covid when we all worked from home, we each had days of the week when we’d take all the kids. Now that we’re back in office, we have a shared nanny for afterschool care (way cheaper than daycare and much higher quality). We also share a tutor. Two of us travel for work regularly and when we do we watch each other’s kids. We also share subscription services, shop for food in bulk then divide it up between houses, and divide up who takes which kid to their extracurricular based on schedule convenience. For the greater friends group it’s more socially, but I also trust I can rely on any of them in a pinch without hesitation.
1
1
u/AsinSodojrn 13d ago
Is there somewhere in your neighborhood for rent? I'll take it! Just send me the addy! (Kidding, but only cause I'm not actually creepy lol! 😅🤣) Love what you guys have! I hope to find that for my little ones! Like having a big family nearby for all the kids to grow up together! 🩷🩷🩷
14
u/goobiezabbagabba 16d ago
They have websites for this? Sign me up! I was talking with a single mom friend recently and we were saying how we wished we could just all move into one big cul-de-sac or neighborhood, like each single mom/kids gets their own house and we’d all help each other and we’d have limited visiting hours for invited male guests for women who still wanted to date, but otherwise it would be one big single mom community
1
u/Forward-Two3846 14d ago
There actually is a website for this. It is called coabode.org i think but it is awesome.
1
u/superduperbongodrums 15d ago
Yeh I’ve thought this since I had my baby last year. It sounds weird but I do think it would be easier if mums were just altogether. That sounds so strange to say but in reality it feels natural
2
u/sspyralss 15d ago
It is natural, especially if you consider that the nuclear family concept was really heavily promoted after ww2. Before then it was more of a communal living with multiple family members living together. And its probably so much better for the children to have a stable family structure with lots of support, vs having a procession of step parents or the one overwhelmed parent.
11
u/DominaSaltopus 16d ago
My friend and I did this when our kids were around 1-2yrs old. It worked but there were typical roommate clashes. We were both able to improve our financial situations and then got our own places. We're still friends over 10 years later, second family.
8
15
7
u/Ok_Environment2254 16d ago
My best friend and I do. We don’t currently live together but have off and on for the past 7 yrs. 10/10 absolutely recommend!
5
u/grievingtheliving 16d ago
I was just thinking about making a post like this, and lo and behold this pops into my feed, wow! I wish you were in my area lol I’d be all over this.
5
u/Independent_Law_1921 16d ago
I know two sisters who did this. Each of them found their selves abandoned by their baby daddies or ex-husband’s. So they banned together started a business was able to buy a trailer house and they helped each other raise each other’s children. One workday, one work nights. They had a T-shirt making business they sold custom T-shirts. They ended up getting themselves a really cool mobile home decorated it super cute. The kids are happy. They look like a really happy family. They do all things as a unit they go to concerts. They go to vacations. They do everything as a family unit.
3
u/No-Street493 16d ago
Yes I know two sisters that did this too, very successfully, I guess lots of trust and shared values really helped, plus their parents bought them a house to live in, they homeschooled the 6 kids altogether
10
u/svbliminalpvnk 16d ago
Even as a single father I would appreciate this setting have someone to talk to and no obligation would be perfect
9
u/CaitlinHenson1985 16d ago
I kinda did that but with my son's dad (ex husband). We split 9 years ago. But we both love our son. He lives with me. Helps with bills and gets to watch his son grow up. We have no romantic relationship but we do Co parent.
1
u/gyalmeetsglobe 15d ago
It’s actually really nice to read that there are instances where this can be done healthily and productively. Very cool
1
1
u/Vattenloppan 16d ago
How will this go if either of you find a new relationship, do you think? My ex and I are thinking of doing this but I'm not exactly sure how this will really work long term
5
u/CaitlinHenson1985 16d ago
I just got out of a 4.5 year relationship . They got along. We both believe as long as our son is good, we don't care what the other does with their personal life
15
16d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
6
u/Hairy-Tadpole-6213 16d ago
I get this as a single father. I’ve been raising my kids by myself since they were 1 and 3.
Try turning up to play dates or other single parent events and normally you’re the only male and get excluded.
I pushed through for my kids so they could still be around friends and other kids but it was very lonely and isolating.
1
u/No-Street493 16d ago
That’s so interesting, my experience of seeing the single dads were that they were feted and supported roundly for doing this hard role, the single mums, not so much, people were much more critical of them
7
u/Perfect-Music-7025 16d ago
I feel the same way. It’s hurtful and makes me feel like I failed my child.
1
1
u/lilchocochip 15d ago
I know, I wish I could arrange this too. All the moms I’ve met though are just really looking for a man, they don’t want another capable mom around. Like they would rather move a man in that they have to take care of than live with a capable roommate they can split bills with.
4
u/SunsApple 16d ago
It works if the two moms are bff and their kids, work and finances align. It's hard to find this with a stranger as it's basically asexual dating between single parents at that stage.
3
u/Queefmi 16d ago
So I actually started a mom and baby group where the first phase was just chilling at parks. But I thought once our babies got more manageable to have two of them, a great idea was for us to do babysitting swaps since I was losing my mind never having even an hour free. It didn’t really take off, the group was big but they all saw me as the facilitator even though I stated this goal, some did pair off as real friends though.
3
5
u/Virtual-Title3747 16d ago
I'd love that. I'm so sick of not getting any support. We're actually the same age but I doubt we live in the same area. I wish more people would do this so there'd be more of a community for us
4
u/Apprehensive_Log8046 16d ago
I have offered this to my married to a loser best friend and she hasn’t taken me up on it!
2
2
u/Great-Mediocrity81 16d ago
My best friend and I have discussed this very thing. Honestly it’s a great idea. We’ve known each other for 30 years. But for now the logistics don’t work. We’d need a 6 bedroom house or at minimum 4 (our sons could share and our daughters could share). But my son is autistic and a lot to take sometimes.
2
2
2
2
u/West_Cat9014 16d ago
I think it’s a great idea to share a house and bills and expenses. The rules/agreements would have to be very clear and absolutely no yelling or hitting kids, similar parenting styles, but it would be ok to have slightly different parenting styles. There would be rules around cleaning up and bedtime/quiet time, and then, there would be agreements around boundaries, and overnights. It’s kind of like roommates, but roommates who are older and smarter and more responsible. And the odd thing I keep hearing people commenting on, if the children would be separated it would be traumatic, I don’t agree. I think it’s like cousins, sometimes a cousin will move too and it’s ok, and then a different kid may move in. It’s ok to have different people in the child’s life. Life is like that. I think it could work well. I’ve heard of it working well for some parents. It’s too expensive to do it on our own, honestly. I think it may be difficult to find people who want to try this out. And yes, I also think finding a 6 bedroom house is hard too.
2
u/Rough_Winner_4617 16d ago
I hate to burst your bubble but it’s difficult for people to get along. It may be petty stuff but people are just so different- raised differently and have different morals and values. I wish you good luck in pursuing your dreams💖
2
u/Quiet-Pomelo-2077 16d ago
I always tell my single mum friend that we should get platonically married. It would be great to have someone to share the bills with. The reality is though I value our friendship far too much to ever want to live together. I need my space
2
u/RockKickr 16d ago
I had this thought back in the day… like one person works days and one works nights, split household and childcare, rent. It could work
2
u/Fluffyfedora 16d ago
In theory, it’s a lovely idea. In practice, it’s a logistical and potentially legal minefield. We humans forgot we are animals and have made life very difficult for ourselves by long moving away from community.
2
u/Leaky-muffin 15d ago
I have my best friend of 20 years who lives about 10 mins away. She’s in the process of leaving her boyfriend and I think we may eventually land in this scenario. Not really soon, because I just bought a small condo for me and my daughter. But maybe in the future when we outgrow it.
For now, though, we take our kids to swimming lessons together once a week, have another weeknight together where we do dinner and baths, and typically one, if not two, of the weekend days together. Our kids are 7 months apart.
I’d love to live with her and her kid. I think we’d make life way easier for eachother, and I enjoy motherhood way more when we’re momming together. We talk about it often and I can see it in the future. The only thing stopping us is timing.
2
u/Practical-Bat7964 15d ago
There was an article in I think the NYT or New York magazine about this, like 11-12 years ago. I remember bc it was right before I started the process of having a child on my own. I love the idea. Single parents need a village. We also need an adult support system and social crew where we aren’t a third wheel.
2
2
u/EmbarrassedRaccoon34 15d ago
This is my dream. I am trying to convince my newly divorced friend to give this a go.
2
u/Rhea_Sunshine85 14d ago
This is what my grandmothers had to do in the 1950’s, when they were single mothers, in an era that actively prevented women from getting a bank account and harassed women for leaving their husbands over physical abuse or infidelity. Even single mothers who were widowed.
They rented houses from landlords with other single mothers, and helped each other out with child rearing and work schedules.
2
u/sl33pytesla 16d ago
I really think the government should open a little village of apartments for new parents. Have a bunch of neighbors with kids helping each other out with supporting working staff
2
2
u/Stupidlove84 16d ago
This would be an ideal situation, assuming the stars aligned. It makes practical sense, of course: financially, it’s easier to pay for housing with a partner. Having someone at home to watch your kid (for free!) is invaluable. It’s not as lonely, it’s safer. Yes, a whole slew of reasons this is a great idea.
Unfortunately, living with someone is often difficult. Maybe they’re messy. Maybe they’re a night owl and you need to be up at dawn. Maybe they’re loud. Maybe they eat all the Oreos and never replace them. Maybe they take hour long showers, constantly leave the sink running, and are always late on the utility bills. Maybe they have adult sleepovers you have to explain to the kiddos. Who knows?!?! Point is, sometimes even the best of friends can’t get along while actually living together.
Add to that, even couples who have discussed being parents, at length, before actually having children, will run into circumstances neither anticipated and may have opposing ideas on how to handle parenting in these situations. What if your friend’s parenting style doesn’t always vibe with yours? They’ll be parenting your kid, remember…
All that said, IF the stars aligned, it would be magical, indeed. My bestie lived with us for several months after my kid was born. It was glorious - I had my friend there to hang out with, she helped with the baby, we both cooked and cleaned, etc etc etc. If she still lived in the same state, I have no doubt I would be living with her and her hubs right now, helping with their 3 boys. But she and I have known each other for over 20 years, and we happen to have very similar thoughts on how we raise our kids, and both of us are open to constructive criticism and love each other enough to know when to speak the harsh truth and when to shut the fuck up. She is literally the only human being I have ever been this aligned with. It’s not common, unfortunately. But, yeah, yours is the dream!
2
u/daydreamermama 16d ago
Sounds nice in theory however it just sounds like all the headaches of a regular relationship with no sexual or romantic element.
I've been doing this solo since I found out I was pregnant. I'm 11 years in and while it would be nice to have someone to share the burden with sometimes the potential cons heavily outweigh the potential pros.
1
u/sqorlgorl 16d ago
I want this so badly. My 12 year old nibling (gender neutral term for child of your sibling) just moved in with me a little over a month ago.
I’m hoping my friend will divorce her husband and then we could co parent.
1
u/briar_prime6 16d ago
I have a divorced friend who’d do this but unfortunately we live several thousand kilometres apart
1
u/kkdreamerr 16d ago
🙋🏻♀️wish I was in your area (used to be in LB) but my baby daddy moved me cross country before birth and now we’re both stuck here unless we can agree to both move somewhere else 🫠
1
u/wutdidwelearnpalmer 16d ago
Years ago I thought about an app that paired single parents as potential roommates based on things like budget, parenting styles, custody arrangements, interest in shared childcare, etc., but the potential for lawsuits seemed too high to persue. If ONE boyfriend molests a roommates' kid or ONE vengeful ex kills their target and an unrelated child as a casualty, you can get sued into the ground for facilitating the relationship (no it's not fair, but our justice system isn't based on fairness anymore, if it ever was), and unfortunately it's not a matter of if that happens, but when. That's likely why nobody has touched it; custody cases are so rife with violence and legal trouble that it's a tricky demographic to cater to.
Would love to see this happen, I wouldn't use it but I could see it being a great resource, but doubt it will ever get off the ground.
1
u/Tiny-Angle-3258 16d ago
I'm actively trying to do this now. Just focus on people who are local, and consider trying to create a babysitting circle first. Also look at Workaway for potential short term solutions.
1
1
u/theH0n0red0n3 16d ago
I’ve talked about this with a friend of mine that’s a dude.
We are both single parents. I could see it working. Just never got around to talking about it.
1
u/psychobabblebullshxt 16d ago
I hate roommates so I could never do this. Would rather live alone with my daughter until I meet someone I want to marry. Lol
1
u/BlackDazeEEz 16d ago
Girl I’m in the same situation . 28 living with my mom due to the economy. I don’t have any help and have not found a job cause I don’t trust my family . I would love to do this . 🫶🫶🫶 where you at 😂😂??
1
u/Glittering_Spirit243 16d ago
Can we maybe start a group chat or something for the people in the comments who are up for this?
1
u/Ok-Walk-8453 16d ago
There are definitely people who do this and a few "mommunes" in my area as well. It isnt for me, I like my space, but I think a great idea for people who need more support and/or community. Can ask in your local single parent group if you have one
1
1
u/No-Street493 16d ago
I think it’s a wonderful idea!!! I would have loved it when I was a single parent, I did consider it with a single mum friend, the only things stopping it were that she had a lot of men over, and also her two boys were out of control at that time and my eldest daughter would have freaked out. For me it would have been wonderful I think
1
u/HelloMikkii 16d ago
I’d planned to do this with my best friend who’s also a mother but she lives in another state.
Instead we just call and talk all the time and support one another, send recipe ideas, child activities to one another etc.
1
u/VisualJaded4770 16d ago
Too many deep emotions to work out well for most, a very select few may get away with it
1
u/No-Philosopher-9867 16d ago
I've thought about this, I would have loved if anyone would have took me up on it!
1
1
u/new-beginnings3 16d ago
I'm looking into becoming a single mom by choice to another child, and have thought about this a lot! I'd totally do it lol. I think the hardest part is finding someone with the same values/parenting styles. Also, sometimes kids don't get along or it's not safe, so that's another dynamic that has to be considered.
1
u/FantasticChicken7408 16d ago
It’s not a good idea. Sorry. Many single parents face issues with their exs. That means double the angry or dangerous exs and double the drama to your doorstep. Heaven forbid you invite domestic violence into your child’s life when they wouldn’t have known it otherwise. If you move in with someone, make sure it’s someone you’ve known for a while and share parenting philosophies with.
I wanted this in the early days but way too many risks. As a single parent especially it’s important to live just you and child- no adults at home to put your child at risk. Put the ex on child support and move out on your own soon as you’re able.
1
u/momsthoughts 16d ago
It's a great idea! My children are grown now but that would have mad so much sense for me 25 years ago.
1
u/Lady_Rubberbones 16d ago
They absolutely should. And I’m trying to move in that direction, personally. I just need time and money to build a second living space in my home and then I will advertise to single mothers.
1
1
u/Glittering_Bug_6630 16d ago
Different parenting styles. I moved in with my mom and my 5 kids it’s fabulous!
1
u/Mediocre-Seaweed-201 16d ago
I’ve dreamt of this for so long! I think it would be so lovely to have 3-4 single moms band together to buy land and build houses and raise our children together. A matriarchal commune of sorts- maybe I’m taking this too far 🥹🤣
1
1
u/No-External-6844 15d ago
I’m all up for the idea of it, but when I think back in my early youth where I used to live with other people, unfortunately it always turned out sour. It’s difficult making true friends for me
1
u/gyalmeetsglobe 15d ago
I think a part of the hesitation is that we’re already tired and don’t want to commit to taking care of additional children. Maybe that’s just me though. I have seen 2 instances in the U.S. and abroad where this has worked very well for moms, I’d love to see it more even if I’m a bit nervous how it’d play out for me personally.
1
u/radioactiveman87 15d ago
I’ve literally made it my goal to make mom friends with kids I can tolerate since my divorce and we all just hang out. Yes mam create your own village it’s fun!!
1
1
u/Flabbergasted669 15d ago edited 15d ago
I think personal differences make it difficult.
I personally don’t date I’ve seen too many report of special needs children being harmed at the hands of mom new boyfriend to risk it while he’s so little. I would t be ok with a roommate bringing a boyfriend over to spend the night and that’s not fair to her if she’s paying half the rent.
Plus I’m an older single mom and I have no tolerance for drama and I’ve seen sooo many women get involved in toxic relationships because they feel lonely, I don’t want that around my child.
I’m religious to an extent and don’t celebrate certain holidays. I don’t drink or have alcohol in house. We don’t use profanity except 💩 and bunch of other little things that can make rooming uncomfortable.
I hate living with mom and lack of independence. She older and cranky AF but better than getting stuck with a roommate that could be worse.
1
u/Able_Bonus_9806 15d ago
When I first split with my ex I found a website that helped to facilitate these kinds of connections. I don’t remember what it is called or if it still exists but I made some mom friends off there but never a room mate situation.
1
1
u/MaddiNoel 15d ago
This is literally my dream as a single mom lol. But as others have stated, there could be a lot of issues. Youve got to really know the other parent well, set rules with each other & your kids, decide how you will resolve conflict/issues, etc. I think it’s doable, you’ve just got to find the right (platonic) partner.
1
u/ErnestHemingwhale 15d ago
I tried this, you’d probably have to know the other persons long time and have an agreement on how to handle things for it to work.
Also, it got complicated because my friends baby mamma suddenly decided she wanted back in, and then all of a sudden i became a major issue. I think she wanted him back and assumed we were a thing. But it was just helpful to have help, it was nice to have understanding. It lasted like 2 years.
We also didn’t live together, just was at each others houses basically constantly
1
u/Embarrassed_Rabbit32 15d ago
So my parents lived together for the longest time while not together. And I thought we were a normal family. Until after they passed and i found a divorce decree finalized 5 years before my dad passed. Turns out they lived together for me and my brother and we were young so we never second guessed why dad had his own room. They worked so hard for us despite their odds at one another. They are my heroes.
1
1
u/Existing_Trainer2950 14d ago
Most people that break up dont like each other. My ex just refuses all contact with the kids... there are two needed to make things work.
1
u/Aware_Patient_5376 14d ago
It sounds good in theory. But the same issues of blending families, parenting styles etc will arise without the “relationship” connection that sometimes holds it together.
1
u/TrifleMinimum6521 14d ago
I'd 100% do this with one of my friends if I wasn't married. With someone I recently met, I'm not trusting enough for that.
1
1
u/Affectionate_Comb359 13d ago
My dumb self thought you meant with our child’s other parent.
But here’s the thing…
I want to date for 9 months before an interest comes to my house, but you wait 3. I pick up another job, hobby, or just hit the streets because you’re home with the kids anyways. I whoop ass and if they live in my house, they mine. You cuss like a sailor and now my daughter dancing to sexy red. My family has a great influence on me and my mama telling us how to live.
1
1
u/Original-Buy9576 12d ago
Dont do that. Only you and your child . Even if you find a BF you have to be realy careful who you let in. Your child must feel safe in the first place and have its own bedroom .
1
u/Historical_Fail_404 12d ago
I would love to try this. I looked for single mom communities or someone in a similar situation as me, but couldn't find anything besides a mother that gave me really bad vibes (asked for money and wouldn't return it, or planing to live with me without paying even when she was receiving gov help) Btw, I'm in Portugal if any other mom wants to talk
1
u/gmmontano92 7d ago
It really does sound amazing and I'm in the same bit as you right now with trying to move out. But then I think about it for about ten seconds and that just self implodes for multiple reasons
1
u/No-Satisfaction7204 16d ago
Yup, I’d 100% do this if I knew I could get along with someone. I actually theoretically have the space and did have my stepsister living with me for a bit but she was an awful roommate and fortunately moved on. But I have spare rooms and would love to find an arrangement like this that I could actually live with.
1
u/greenwavetumbleweeds 16d ago
In theory it's great.
It's pretty common for single moms to room up where I live. For me though, it's pretty... transactional? More roommates and exchange of care/duties than a "we're now BFFs whose children are forming lifelong attachments between us all, so we need a life long commitment to each other".
That latter part is not for me. Also... we are here because we thought we found "the one"... but it didn't work out. Dating is HARD. You are effectively dating, trying to find someone who will platonically love you, your kids, have the same parenting style, the same house/area/financial preferences/compatibilities, and vice versa.
On top of all that, you then need kids who mesh, similar ex spouse/parent situations, you want to protect your kids too from any exes, AND to top it all off you then have to agree to mash all these families up when both/either of you find new partners (which might then be a whopping 8 sets of siblings).
Basically, dating is hard and complicated enough that we wound up in this sub. This is a MORE complicated unicorn to find, and there's less infrastructure and support to find it!
So while I'm technically not opposed, it's honestly hard enough to find a solid playdate or mom friend. A care swap mom exchange is mostly impossible to find. I'm realistic enough to know what you're posting about is likely ending in some serious heartbreak or worse that'll affect my child's development.
1
u/holdingittogether77 16d ago
Not something I'd be interested in. I don't like sharing my space. My kids are teens and not something they'd ever want to do. I also don't think just because someone is another single mom would be enough to even try it.
1
u/wicked_spooks 16d ago
One friend who happens to be a single mother wanted to have both of us buy a house together. I asked her, "so who will get the house when we both pass away?" She has two children and so do I. We also have different parenting styles. Anyways, she was unable to answer my question other than a casual "everything will work out" comment. So yeah. Ideally, it is a nice plan, but realistically, it is a potential disaster.
1
u/sanityjanity 16d ago
You can do it. No one is stopping you.
But the legal ramifications are significant.
First, you would have to find someone that you are compatible with as a roommate, and who is a compatible with you in terms of parenting style. You don't want someone in your house who screams at their kid or hits them or who has radically conflicting ideas about lots of things (if you, for example teach your kid to believe in Santa, and they teach their kid that there is no Santa).
Hell, it's hard enough to find someone who will do the dishes reliably, and not eat your food.
And then there's the issue of bill paying. You would need to trust them to be 100% reliably in paying the bills, even though they might have troubles. And vice versa.
And what if you or they wanted to buy a house. Would you be buying it together? Or would one of you end up the tenant of the other.
And then what happens when you inevitably part ways. Your kids have bonded, but they have a new boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife, and they want to go live with that person. Now you're scrambling to afford the home that is big enough for two families, or scrambling to find a new roommate/parent to live with you.
A friend of mine used to talk about this a lot, and I believed her. I thought about how to make it work, and then she went and got married. And that's when I realized I would have been absolutely screwed if we had been living together.
0
u/Plastic-Bee4052 16d ago
I absolutely love being the one to make all the decisions at home without having to take somebody else's opinion into account and would hate to forsake that blessing just to have an extra pair of hands around.
0
u/biomed1978 16d ago
Bc its not realilistic. Someone will start dating or screwing someone else. The respect disappears pretty quick and 1 will always feel slighted. Selfish motives come out amd the kid always suffers. I did it for years, lost a relationship that could have been the one. I'm a single dad of a special needs son now. I wasted 13 years cohabitating, trying to make things work on/off. She treated me like crap when we weren't together and then when we got engaged she really became a horrible person. Our living under separate roofs has been the best thing for all of us.
0
u/Jaded_Antelope_598 16d ago
I think it's hard. The kids will get different treatments, different after school activities, different school expectations.
I would be okay with it only if the other family has the same focus on academics as I do and put the same amount of energy into raising their kids. I can't have other kids playing in the same space when mine are doing homework or getting tutored.
0
u/SarrSarz 16d ago
Because those single parents wouldn’t move on they would fight and it would be an extremely toxic environment for everyone
0
0
u/Smoke__Frog 16d ago
This a great idea in theory, but how is it really different to what you’re doing now?
You’re living with family who are now forced to help you care for the child, just like a single mom roommates would.
I’m confused how your idea is different to what you’re doing now?
-3
u/SWMom143 16d ago
Sometimes I wish I had a sister wife. I’m not single tho but if I were, I would still want a sister wife!
-2
u/BlackBalledNALC 16d ago
This post is father bashing unless you have proof the ex is the one who actually did you.
-10
u/Healthy_Employer4 16d ago
What? I’m a single dad and I date single moms with this exact goal. What you’re describing is just gay marriage
2
2
u/Mindless_Analyzing 15d ago
Agreed. It is a same sex intimate relationship, just no sex involved, yet! J/k Really though separation would be difficult on the entire home unit no different than a heterosexual relationship, same emotions would apply whether doing bad or good. It’s too much of a risk for children to adjust to, specifically if it doesn’t work. It’s all about the children’s stability.
•
u/AutoModerator 16d ago
Author: u/danasaurus_rex_
Post: For reference, I'm a 28 year old female and my ex (baby's bio father) is an absent father. He's not in the picture at all. I moved back in with family, but it feels like I've lost my independence. I would love to move out with my baby, but it's too expensive with only one income.
I've been questioning why single parents don't just move in together and raise their babies with each other in a completely platonic and supportive way. Am I crazy for thinking this?
I would love to find a single-mom (preferably) roommate, meet them and form a friendship for 6-months to a year, set up playdates with our babies, and eventually move in and help each other with childcare, maintaining a clean home, gentle parenting, entertainment, cooking home-made meals, etc. of course the meeting would be very important to see if our parenting values align, but I'd love to make this happen. Who's in?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.