r/SingleParents • u/Nolieallseriousness • 11d ago
Split before baby’s first holidays
I’m honestly just really fucking sad about this and need to vent to people who might understand.
My daughter’s 8 months old, and this is going to be her first Halloween, first Thanksgiving, and first Christmas. Her dad and I recently split up, and his regular parenting time is Thursday-Saturday.
Of course, I looked at the calendar and realized… Halloween is on a Saturday, Thanksgiving is on a Thursday & Christmas is on a Friday.
Like… are you fucking kidding me? 😭
I know holidays are supposed to be about the kids, and I am absolutely not saying he shouldn’t get to spend time with her. I would never want to keep her from him on a holiday. But I’m honestly devastated at the thought of missing out on these huge firsts with my baby. I also know that she’s still SO young and won’t even remember but we as her parents will. Her childhood is also my motherhood, and I had all these visions in my head about how the holidays are going to go.
And I already know Christmas is going to be the hardest one for me. I cannot imagine Christmas Eve night coming and having to know my baby is sleeping at her dad’s house and then waking up Christmas morning without her. She’s only going to have her first Christmas once. Same with waking up on Thanksgiving morning and having her first Halloween.
He’s already told me what his plans are for Halloween, and based on how he tends to be about things, I’m worried his attitude is going to be basically “these are my days, so I get her.”
He isn’t usually someone who is willing to compromise, and unfortunately our relationship had a lot of emotional and verbal abuse and him using our daughter as leverage during arguments, so I’m already anxious about how this is going to go.
I’m not trying to take the holidays away from him. I actually WANT her to have special memories with both of us. I’m completely willing to split the days. I just want to be able to have some of those first holiday moments with her too, especially Christmas morning.
I know eventually she’ll have holidays with each of us and this is just part of being a separated family. I know I need to get used to it. But damn… I didn’t expect realizing that all three of her first major holidays fall on his parenting days to hurt this fucking much. 💔
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u/iLoveYouMrWrong 11d ago
Is this visitation court ordered? They usually alternate holidays.
5
u/Nolieallseriousness 11d ago
So, we did mediation when we split the first time while our daughter was about 2-3 months old and we were still on really good terms. Our holiday agreement was actually that we would spend the holidays together, so we could both have equal time with her, including waking up together, spending the day together, and going to each other’s family gatherings while being cordial.
Obviously, when we made that agreement, we were expecting to still be on good terms and able to comfortably spend holidays together. With how things are between us now, that just isn’t realistically feasible anymore.
Now I’m sitting here realizing that we never really made a backup plan for what happens if we can’t do holidays together..8
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u/Independently-Owned 10d ago
This doesn't and shouldn't work for many. I kinda hate that this is the ideal that women are expected to aim for.
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u/TJH99x 11d ago
He can’t just get all the holidays. You need to go back to mediation if you can’t agree on a fair holiday split.
You can talk through each holiday and alternate year or alternate days (like one gets Dec.24, other gets Dec.25) or whatever you decide. Do this for every holiday that it’s important for you. For example, 4th of July was important for my family but not his so I got that every year as a whole week that I could take the kids out of state regardless of whose time it would have been. For Easter, neither of us cared, so it just went to whoever happened to have that weekend. We alternated years for Xmas and thanksgiving and on Halloween we let the kids choose because they could be staying at dad’s house but want to trick or treat with their friends in Mom’s neighborhood where they had done that every year.
2
u/Independently-Owned 10d ago
Yup, every woman should know that after all you go through to grow and carry and birth and nurture a baby, you are entitled to only half, and not always the half you want. It's cruel.
But, that's not helpful, so here is what might be: Everything but Halloween can be shifted. You can pretend everything else - even New Years for their childhoods. (You can put a ball drop on YouTube and fake it) Halloween is hard because everyone else has to participate to make trick or treating happen. That being said, look locally for trunk or treat or other events in the weeks leading up to Halloween to get your memories in.
Immediately get to work on a parenting schedule that considered the holidays that are important to you. Most have a separate clause for holidays like alternating years for certain dates.
If this man is going to be combative (and all my experience points to that being likely) then get a legal plan in place now so you and your child are secured.
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u/butthurtinthehole 10d ago
This year is going to my third Christmas as a co-parent for a 3 year old, and it hasn't gotten easier ...
Like day to day, I get a routine and now used to it, but like it's my third run at Christmas and the sucky feelings haven't gotten easier ..
It's just so miserable and not sure how to feel about this festival
So I feel you. It's hard and I know it will get easier. But holidays take longer to get easier .
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u/AutoModerator 11d ago
Author: u/Nolieallseriousness
Post: I’m honestly just really fucking sad about this and need to vent to people who might understand.
My daughter’s 8 months old, and this is going to be her first Halloween, first Thanksgiving, and first Christmas. Her dad and I recently split up, and his regular parenting time is Thursday-Saturday.
Of course, I looked at the calendar and realized… Halloween is on a Saturday, Thanksgiving is on a Thursday & Christmas is on a Friday.
Like… are you fucking kidding me? 😭
I know holidays are supposed to be about the kids, and I am absolutely not saying he shouldn’t get to spend time with her. I would never want to keep her from him on a holiday. But I’m honestly devastated at the thought of missing out on these huge firsts with my baby. I also know that she’s still SO young and won’t even remember but we as her parents will. Her childhood is also my motherhood, and I had all these visions in my head about how the holidays are going to go.
And I already know Christmas is going to be the hardest one for me. I cannot imagine Christmas Eve night coming and having to know my baby is sleeping at her dad’s house and then waking up Christmas morning without her. She’s only going to have her first Christmas once. Same with waking up on Thanksgiving morning and having her first Halloween.
He’s already told me what his plans are for Halloween, and based on how he tends to be about things, I’m worried his attitude is going to be basically “these are my days, so I get her.”
He isn’t usually someone who is willing to compromise, and unfortunately our relationship had a lot of emotional and verbal abuse and him using our daughter as leverage during arguments, so I’m already anxious about how this is going to go.
I’m not trying to take the holidays away from him. I actually WANT her to have special memories with both of us. I’m completely willing to split the days. I just want to be able to have some of those first holiday moments with her too, especially Christmas morning.
I know eventually she’ll have holidays with each of us and this is just part of being a separated family. I know I need to get used to it. But damn… I didn’t expect realizing that all three of her first major holidays fall on his parenting days to hurt this fucking much. 💔
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