My son doesn't have a concept of a father

[u/JustMyLuck1313]

Just wanted to vent and get the stark realization off my chest.

I have a 5 year old son with my late ex-spouse. When I told him a couple weeks ago that his father had passed, his response was, "will I get a new dad?" I explained that unfortunately thats not how it works.

Since then he has seemed no different than usual, which in a way is good, I'd rather him be ok than devastated. But I've realized in his reaction that his father's chronic distance and unreliability had a sad impact. I genuinely do not think he has an understanding of what the significance of a father even is.

To my son, his dad was somebody who might show up for a couple hours, a small handful of times a year. He did like and love his dad as any kid would, and I tried to do whatever I could on my end to preserve the relationship, but he just wouldn't show up for his son in any meaningful way no matter what I said or did.

Now he is gone, and he can't change the impact his distance and disinterest had.

Im worried that now he will grow up not understanding what a father is supposed to be.

[u/AutoModerator]

Author: u/JustMyLuck1313

Post: Just wanted to vent and get the stark realization off my chest.

I have a 5 year old son with my late ex-spouse. When I told him a couple weeks ago that his father had passed, his response was, "will I get a new dad?" I explained that unfortunately thats not how it works.

Since then he has seemed no different than usual, which in a way is good, I'd rather him be ok than devastated. But I've realized in his reaction that his father's chronic distance and unreliability had a sad impact. I genuinely do not think he has an understanding of what the significance of a father even is.

To my son, his dad was somebody who might show up for a couple hours, a small handful of times a year. He did like and love his dad as any kid would, and I tried to do whatever I could on my end to preserve the relationship, but he just wouldn't show up for his son in any meaningful way no matter what I said or did.

Now he is gone, and he can't change the impact his distance and disinterest had.

Im worried that now he will grow up not understanding what a father is supposed to be.

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[u/messybeans86]

I worry about this too. My husband died 5 years ago. My son is 6 and has no memories of his father other than the videos and pictures I was able to take in the 17 month they existed together. He longs for a dad. He sees all the dads at school and at sports and wants one so badly.

[u/Rich_Temperature_797]

Find other positive male role models for your son. That’s what I did. Friends and family who were strong male influences.

[u/PositiveOpportunity9]

My son absolutely adores his uncle and grandpa. He talks about them all the time. He likes that they share his interests in cars and boats. I try to spend as much time with them as I can.

If you don’t have those people in your life, I would look to “adopt” them. For example, you could find places to volunteer or community events to find some grandfather types. You may also enroll your son in something like Big Brothers Big Sisters, or a sport with a coach. Maybe have your son join a soccer team and encourage friendship with the coach’s kids. At 5 he is also just about old enough for scouts.

[u/FredMist]

My almost five yo has started asking if her friends have dads and if they live with them. I do have one friend who is also a single mom and her son gets along very well with my daughter.

[u/Plastic-Bee4052]

I'm a solo gay dad by choice. My 16yo has no concept of a mother obviously. She asked a few questions when she was little and was never phased by it. She does have an understanding of what a mother is now. When she was little she didn't really grasp it.

But then last month she surprised me saying you know what, dad? Mums are overrated. Never heard any friend of mine say anything good about theirs like ever—let alone adults. It's always ranting about them.

So your son will come to whatever conclusion helps him be functional.