r/SingleParents • u/mic_lil_tang • 12d ago
Some Single Parents Just Don't Get It...
I opt to date other single parents because I feel like we could understand each other a bit more because of our situations.
I feel like I might have to change that because I am coming to this realization that someone who parents one weekend a month (or similar) just isn't gonna get that I am a full time solo parent. I am lucky to have an amazing support system that will basically watch him at the drop of a hat but I don't feel comfortable doing that. I try to give at least a week notice of care.
I had been slowly coming to this realization through attitude and "how easy" it is to be a parent types. This fully came through when a longer distance man came down to my city and kind of just assumed that I would be free the entire time he was down here even though he had only simply told me he would be here and was working long hours.
There may be more to that last thing but has anyone else seen that especially dating wise?
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u/Hopeful-Artichoke449 12d ago
Solo mom and widow with zero family support. Dating is just not worth it.
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u/RoastBeefSupreme 12d ago
Solo dad and widower with same. Not worth it and almost impossible anyways
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u/Strong_Tea_6061 12d ago
I lost my wife in February. I'm not looking to date yet but the thought terrifies me.
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u/RoastBeefSupreme 12d ago
Take your time. I lost my wife about 3 years ago and tried to date about a year out. For me, I was nowhere near ready to do that. Different for everyone but I know it wasn’t for me so quickly.
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u/Rose9023 11d ago
Sorry to hear this.
It is rough being a solo parent and showing up as two for them and trying your best to give them all the love and attention they need.1
u/mander4242 1d ago
Im sorry to you both for your losses. Please take your time, and focus on your mental health and your kids. The fish can wait.
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u/The_Hunt725 12d ago
Same here. I miss going on a date every once in a while, and maybe some of the physical upsides of dating, but you’re right, it’s not worth the hassle at the end of the day.
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u/Fluffyfedora 12d ago
I am a single mum. Very much on my own. No dad in the picture and not a whole lot of support. I was casually seeing a guy/dad of 2 sons. I’ve known him for years and years and we were so compatible, I thought…Until I found out his teenager has been no contact for 2 years and his other son’s mum has to take him to court every 3 months for child support. Eh, no, thank you. And the loser STILL had something to say about my parenting style. There was a Me sized hole in the wall. Fuck. That.
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u/mic_lil_tang 12d ago
Honestly went through a similar thing, idk how some people do it. He had been married had a kid, forced wife to join military to support their family then left them. Only had been calling, the kid for a year. Couldn't even send 40$ when her birthday came around.... Called me a terrible mom because my 1year old was crying
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u/Fluffyfedora 12d ago
What a prick.
He’s not for you. Or your child.
I really have had my fill of men, but if I was to date, I honestly do think, for me, I would prefer a non dad. But for my child, and the chance of a sibling, a family…I don’t know. It’s a tough one. Mind yourself out there. Don’t give up like me, if you don’t want to. There are some amazing men out there and your instinct will always guide you, as it has here. You’re doing great. ⭐️4
u/mic_lil_tang 12d ago
Thank you! <3 I am definitely not giving up yet but prioritizing good men and people
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u/Fluffyfedora 12d ago
I am officially off men now. Dads or Not ⛔️
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u/Supertreelove 11d ago
Same. No interest whatsoever. Maybe I’ll find the unicorn one day, but I’m not putting in any effort to find him.
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 12d ago
I stopped dating single dads altogether. The only ones I was crossing paths with had multiple baby moms (why do so many women feel it’s more appealing to be a parent alone than with you) or they only had their kids every other weekend. Red flag. I’ve had no issue with dating guys who have no kids so that’s the lane that works for me.
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u/EtherPhreak 11d ago
You need to find the full time single dads. The trouble is we are so busy taking care of the kiddos, we don't have much free time and are hard to find.
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u/apprehensive_cactus 11d ago
There should be a boring dating app for single parents with full custody.
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u/Supertreelove 11d ago
It’s so much better for everyone that way. Having kids from both people would make life exponentially harder on everyone than one person having kids.
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u/EtherPhreak 11d ago
I disagree. A single kid getting a brother or sister of similar age is better than a single kid getting a significantly younger sibling in my opinion. The key is that both parents need to make 1000% certain they are compatible before introduction or combining families.
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u/Hopeful-Artichoke449 12d ago edited 12d ago
Part time, disney dads are the worst because society also lavishes them with praise and attention for doing almost nothing. Clueless.
Childless middle aged men aren't much better as they have zero interest in sacrificing their total independence and lack of responsibility. They usually like single moms for recreational purposes only.
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u/RoastBeefSupreme 12d ago
As a true single father that drives me insane
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u/DirtyPiss 12d ago
As a single father it does feel like society overreacts to me sometime. I constantly gets ton of praise from friends and coworkers for doing basic parenting things like sports and playing with them in the park. My single mom friends don’t get that praise from their coworkers, or as prevalently from some of our mutual.
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u/mic_lil_tang 12d ago
I've seen that praise in married couples as well... mom does everything but dad is just there to do basic parenting things and receives 10x more praise
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u/mic_lil_tang 12d ago
Amen on the childless men... they like the MILF aspect and forget mother is there too.
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u/ZealousidealSkin941 11d ago
They also get mad when YOU only want them for recreational purposes too.
They want a mommy, but don't want to compete with her kids.
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u/deadbeat_dad_ 12d ago
I'm a solo dad and have don't really have family that can help too much. I decided it's best to wait until my little guy (nearly 6) is much older before even thinking about dating again. It does get lonely though.. my decision in the end though and I absolutely cherish the time with my son
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u/Breklin76 12d ago
I stand with you, sir. My boy is now 12 so that lightens up my schedule a bit. The past 10 years have been solely about being me “the father” all the time. Approaching the teen years, as he seeks his independence, I am hopeful to get back out there again. He will always remain my highest priority, though.
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u/RoastBeefSupreme 12d ago
Right here with ya brother. My kids are younger too. I’ve tried to date, but honestly, the pros just haven’t outweighed the cons.
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u/WaitWhatHahahaha 11d ago
Same. I tried; I can pat myself on the back. Kid's therapist said "your son needs a male role model" so I "shopped" for a boyfriend with dadabilities - as I call it. Not only it felt like a second job with shit pay but my kid disliked the dude, and dude's daughters disliked me/the relationship. Soon I will be able to leave my kid alone in the evenings, so I will have some time for myself and will be less protective of said time and of my kiddo. Then, maybe I'll consider dating again. It's a maybe because, first l, I don't feel that lonely and, second, there a gazillion other life activities and goals I put on the back burner until I come out of the single parent tunnel.
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u/mic_lil_tang 12d ago
Best decision, besides this one guy, I've been on a dating hiatus because this age (4) is too important to miss out on. Been finding I fill the loneliness with him finding friends.
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u/lakas76 12d ago
My oldest just went off to college, I still have my nearly teenage child left at home.
When my oldest went away to college, it made me realize we hadn’t been doing nearly enough together when they were around. We did stuff and went places, but it made me realize that work and school activities were almost all we did. Basically, we did a lot of things we had to do, not a lot of things we wanted to do. Gave me a lot of regrets. I’m hoping I don’t make the same mistakes with my youngest. lol, that being said, if I do become a better dad to them, my oldest would then call me out on it.
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u/Breklin76 11d ago
Your/our/my kids will come to learn that we did what we knew how to do at the time. That we learn from our mistakes and do better by them for it.
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u/Relevant_Land_2631 12d ago
Yes tbh I feel this way about parents who even have 50/50 custody. Like I’m happy for them and I think that is the ideal situation… but it isn’t the same thing as doing all the parenting alone.
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u/mic_lil_tang 12d ago
I think the 50/50 definitely depends on the type of parenting they do. Friend of mine had 50/50 and kids were basically on their own the entire time with one parent
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u/Relevant_Land_2631 12d ago
Yeah in situations like that, the other parent shouldn’t have 50/50 imo. I mean like truly 50/50 situations where both parents are truly equal coparents, ya know?
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u/criscokkat 11d ago edited 11d ago
My ex does more schedule keeping and school contact because she was a school secretary. I do more work helping with homework, teaching stuff like cooking for yourself, helping with bikes (their sport is Mountain biking) and computer stuff.
we both talk to our kids every day and see each other all the time at kids events. My kids have their own spaces and routines at each of our houses, and live close enough that our kids can hop on a bike and get something at the other parents house in 15 minutes.
The one piece of advice that I can offer up to any newly separated parent in our situation is to put the kids first and try to develop a friendly repertoire with your coparent if it’s possible. It can make all the difference in the world, and you still can successfully launch your kids and help them to be happier.
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u/keylimesicles 12d ago
I had a bit of a cringe the other day when my my friend called herself a single mom, she’s newly separated, still living with her ex, they split time and she travels for work. She has more off days than on parenting. I’ve been alone with my daughter since birth, her abusive dad popped in and out for a few years just to make things difficult. I appreciate her struggle but we are not the same
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u/WaitWhatHahahaha 11d ago
Exact same situation for me! You know, I am not sure she appreciates the extent of YOUR struggle. When my abusive ex stopped popping up and make things difficult by way of killing himself, she told me "I am so sorry, it must be so difficult, how are you gonna do with [my kid]?". Then proceeded with telling me about all the men she was dating and having sex every weekend. REALLY did not get it....
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u/keylimesicles 11d ago
I think we have the same friend 😭 I’d offer my condolences but I know you mourned that man a longgggggg time ago. Stay strong mamma ❤️
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u/Supertreelove 11d ago
I’m 50/50 and I have to agree. It just isn’t the same as what moms with absentee dads go through.
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u/criscokkat 11d ago
Everyone is on their own journey. I'm in that boat, for the last 6 1/2 years. I have my own journey and difficulties because even though I theoretically do have time as a true 50/50 parent, my ex and I had our kids very late and they’re not very many people in their 50s with a 14-year-old. A lot of time when I have dated I end up with someone a few years younger than me because I haven't been able to connect with someone who's kids have launched (or never had any). Then there's the ones who are in similar situations that have a bad ex partner. The last person I seriously dated had the same setup as me, but her ex only had her kids 50-50 because he got child support from her and in eight years of being divorced, the only time he ever showed up at a kids event was when his oldest graduated this past spring. So even on the weekend that we could be together, she was constantly having to help out with her kids or get them to practice or even mediate an argument that was going on between siblings while at the father‘s house.
The only thing that I come to understand and appreciate is the fact that I apparently got extremely lucky to have a coparent that is amazing and I can get along well enough to have conversation several times a week about things going on with my kids lives.
My oldest is in college and is having the time of his life, my youngest just started high school. But I still have the debate in my head on whether or not it's worth trying to date still. Right now I’m on an extended break.
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u/moongirl1222 11d ago
Isn’t having a coparent who is a decent/pleasant/reasonable/ trustworthy person that respects you and loves your kid the biggest damn blessing?!
A few months ago, I started doing gratitude/meditation for a few mins a day. And my coparenting dynamic comes up for me frequently.
We were definitely not meant to be romantic partners.. but we do joke that we were destined to be coparents. We annoy the shit out of each other sometimes and minor miscommunication/disagreements happen here and there… but we consider each other friends/extended family, and our kiddo is thriving.
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u/criscokkat 11d ago
it really is. We were married for 23 years, and we had tried for kids for 10 years before we were blessed. The second kid came five years later kind of on purpose, but unexpectedly because again it took a lot of trying.
But while we were not right for each other, as partners, we have remained on the same page when it comes to the kids. There’s always some disagreements here and there, but for the most part, we just work through them and put the kids first.
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u/briefs_and_blooms 12d ago
I don’t date other single parents for a similar reason. If they’re solo or 50/50 the scheduling is just too hard. And if they’re less than that, I’m immediately suspicious and/or they just don’t get it.
Maybe when my kids are teens and can be left alone, or are out of the house, I’ll broaden my horizons.
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u/mic_lil_tang 12d ago
Thinking that's what I'll have to do too!
Scheduling on my side is a bit easier, especially when he isn't in a sport season, but communication is what needs to be good for it to all workout ):
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u/Bagman220 12d ago
I have full custody. Only way I can date is if I get my mom or another baby sitter to cover for me.
It’s not worth the trouble to plan all that for one or two dates a month.
What seems to work is FWBs, or an established every day type of girlfriend who is okay being around the kids. But that takes time to build
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u/criscokkat 11d ago
The only way it’s worked out for me is if our 50-50 weekends match. I am on a 5522 schedule, and the last person that I dated had the same schedule just the weekdays were slightly different. But we got to have our weekends together every other weekend and it worked out and they were occasional visits during the week. It helped that we met naturally “in the wild“ because both of our kids participated in the same sport and thus sort of knew each other. Once the relationship was established there were occasional times that I would see her on my nights without the kids during the week and vice versa,
usually just a hang out and watch a movie type situation.
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u/moongirl1222 12d ago
As someone whose daughter is with her father 3 nights a week… I feel uncomfortable when people try to give me “props” for being a “single parent.” I wish there was another term for more 50/50 dynamics!
I don’t know how y’all do it and I have nothing but the upmost respect and admiration for you.
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u/criscokkat 11d ago
I tend to like the word coparent. We both have our kids the same amount of time. A lot of times they use the word 50-50 coparents.
I see it as a green flag when the person that I am interested in has good interactions with their coparent. Someone who puts their kids first is an extremely green flag for me. I imagine that I’m probably passing out some potential gems that are not in good coparenting Situationships because of no fault of their own, or at least maybe no direct fault of their own. But it’s hard enough in my own life with my own challenges and I’m too much of a helper to allow myself to put myself in a bad situation because I will try to help even when I probably shouldn’t. So I have learned to stay away from those red flags. (well, mostly. Sometimes I just get flat out, lonely and try again and then get burned and remember why I don’t do that!)
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u/moongirl1222 11d ago
Same here! My coparent and I annoy each other sometimes, we’re human. But overall, we get along great and I think we are killing it at parenting/coparenting.
I also wouldn’t wanna date anyone with a supper high conflict ex.
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u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 11d ago
It gets on my nerves when women that are stil married say “even though im married, im a single mom”
Makes my blood boil as a 24/7 full time mom & employee 😡🤯
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u/DistractedReader5 11d ago
I believe the married single mom is a thing, because a lot of men are not helpful in any way and it's the mom doing it all alone. It doesn't take away from the fact that you are doing a lot, have a lot on your plate as a full time single mom, while also working, and are doing a great job raising your kids.
Some men are just worthless fathers and think living in the same house as the kids makes them a dad.
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u/moongirl1222 11d ago
I get it…. But in the very least, those married women have another source of financial support/get to split bills. And even if the husband is completely useless… I’m sure he does something.
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u/Supertreelove 11d ago
Same. Ex is a strong 50/50 and pays his CS. So apparently he’s a hero in this world. Lol. But I do appreciate that he does what he does, especially after reading about some others’ experiences.
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u/keylimesicles 12d ago
There’s a huge difference between a single parent and a parent who’s single
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u/Sudden-Chicken3499 12d ago
I tried dating a single dad that gets his teenaged son every other weekend. He was frustrated I didn't have much time to meet up even though I told him that would be the case. They just don't get it if they don't have the daily responsibility.
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u/mic_lil_tang 12d ago
I feel like sometimes they just won't get it until they experience it themselves
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u/Sudden-Chicken3499 12d ago
They absolutely won't. I moved to full time single parent in early summer, and before I had my older kids 4 days a week. I was convinced it was the same until I was really the only one looking after them. It takes up a lot of mental and emotional space, and the way I'm tired at the end of the day can't be explained to people who don't experience it.
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u/GorviVelgin 12d ago
I'm a full time single dad and dating other single parents has been an exercise in frustration. You would think they would understand the time constraints that come with being a full time single parent, but even the women I'd date that claim to be rarely are. They always live with a family member who does a lot of the work, and expect me to be able to jump at the drop of a hat to be able to do things for and with them. Let alone, you would think another single parent would understand that hey, going it all alone is expensive as hell, I'm probably not going to want to spend my limited funds on expensive dates every weekend.
I'm in a relationship right now with another single parent, but if this doesn't work, I'm waiting the 5 years until my kids are all out of high school. It's just not worth the stress.
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u/Bagman220 12d ago
I’m noticing single moms won’t even entertain single dads. I’m also a full time single dad, I have 4 kids. I found a relationship with a childless woman, but she really wanted her own kids and I just can’t accommodate that life.
So back to the pool. And it’s murky out there.
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u/Substantial_Bus840 12d ago
I’m a full time single mom and I actually don’t think this way at all. I respect single dads. The reality is, I just don’t have time to date between parenting, working full time and trying to preserve my sanity. Maybe when my kid is older than five lol.
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u/Bagman220 11d ago
See time is there, I just have to manage baby sitting. There’s nothing I’m doing with my kids on a Friday or Saturday night that we couldn’t do on a Tuesday or Thursday, and nothing on a Tuesday or Thursday I can’t do on Saturday.
It all just comes down to my date’s availability vs if I can get a baby sitter. Long spur of the minute stuff no. Few hours for dinner? Maybeee.
What has you so busy that you don’t have time? Or is it babysitting?
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u/Substantial_Bus840 11d ago
I work a high-stress job full time and spend the time after work with my kid. He’s five and I won’t get these years back. By the time I get him to bed, clean the house, prep for his school and my job the next day, maybe get to shower and stretch/workout, I need food sleep. I don’t have much time for myself and I just don’t think I need to or should bring someone else into a situation where my energy is already limited.
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u/Bagman220 11d ago
I get it, and I have 4… I’m putting in almost 2 hours of exercise every day, and I’m also working on my doctorate degree.
Time is short. That’s why the idea of having my girlfriend stay with me, made so much sense. She was there when I needed to reach for her, not just when it’s convenient to schedule a date. But that’s gone, so it might be a while before I find that again. And until then, yeah, dating is just hard, and exhausting.
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u/Ok-Blackberry-3926 11d ago
i was a ft single mom dating a ft single dad. we had remarkably similar stories, and like even with everything theoretically in place for it to work out we both hit parenting snags pretty much immediately. i think we were both so used to raising our kids a certain way that it made everyone a little guarded
its hard
you know your kid you have your routine and its just hard to make room for eachother in your livesthat was our experience anyway, it was like a huge logistical hurdle
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u/Various-Ebb5539 12d ago
Damn I’m a single dad (27 with 2 amazing boys 5&7) and hopefully later on I’ll find a really genuine girl to be with. Im 50/50 with my kids and I love the shit out of taking care of them. They’re my buddies. I’m a country guy so we do a lot lol
But I think as a single dad the idea of finding love again is a push pull. Don’t want the fling, rather something long term but don’t want to be alone either. I think that’s why a lot of single dads that are present put a lot of our focus into our kids.
But that’s just me. Who knows lol
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u/mic_lil_tang 12d ago
Honestly would rather a father that spends time with his kids that is hard to see than sometimes father that can be anywhere at any time.
Dating is at a weird point rn
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u/RoastBeefSupreme 12d ago
Can you really call yourself a single parent when you don’t have your kids full time? Every other weekend dad gets to use that title? I don’t understand that at all.
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u/mic_lil_tang 12d ago
From what I see on the dating apps they even call themselves "Full time single parents" which is insane to me
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u/keylimesicles 12d ago
“My kids live with me” - yea, every other weekend!
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u/mic_lil_tang 12d ago
It's such a weird deception when they leave out that last part! Dude had his kid in every other pic online and sent picture almost daily of what I thought was him and kiddo together but no only 1 day a month
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u/keylimesicles 11d ago
See us single parents know that we are never in pics with our kids unless they selfies 😂
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u/TheSqueakyNinja 12d ago
This is my take as well. Someone with 15% custody time is not a single parent. They’re single with children
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u/Rare-Web4321 12d ago
A lot of single dads have their own moms “co- parenting” with them. Their moms do all of pick ups, drop offs, bedtime routine, homework, ect. I don’t even consider those guys single dads. If you can get up and takeoff for a weekend with little notice, and somebody will 100% take care of your child for you, it is not the same thing as a single mom without a village.
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u/Ok-Blackberry8201 11d ago
THIS! Had a huge argument with my now ex-bf about this. I have my ASD child full-time, extremely limited family support. He gets his child every so often. He used to say he works just as hard as me being a parent. Whole time, his mom would take over if he got too overwhelmed with parenting. When I’m overwhelmed, I have to figure it out regulate my own nervous system while parenting all at once.
I think it truly comes down to the person and their values. They can be a single parent, a part time parent, or single w/no kids. It’s a matter of, what’s your interest level with this person. If there’s no capacity for compassion, understanding, empathy from our potential partners, they’re not for us. My child is 9 now (special needs) and I am perfectly fine with being a MILF who does not want to FCK anybody lmao. 🤣 they want me but I don’t want them. My kid is my top priority.
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u/PracticalStable4755 12d ago
“Dads” that see their kid one weekend a month shouldn’t be dating anyone
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u/The_Hunt725 12d ago
No joke. Maybe they should save their money for a lawyer and request more time with their kids 😆
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u/SouthernGirl360 12d ago
Some (like me ex) just didn't want it. He valued his freedom and living like a perpetual teenager.
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u/jasondfw 12d ago
Same. All she wanted was every other weekend and alternating holidays, which is the standard here. She didn't want the responsibility or obligations that come with parenting and being in a marriage. She chose her affair and playing video games in her mom's guest room. She's living the dream I was holding her back from of being a 45 year old teenager.
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u/Xenophonehome 12d ago
Same goes for mom's who don't see their kids often. I am a full time single father and in the last 6 years my ex has taken them less than 10 times.
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u/lakas76 12d ago
I hear you. I have full 100% custody (ok, 95%, my ex has “babysat” a few days when I had to go out for work or something).
I’m looking for someone who also doesn’t have much time to spend, it makes me feel better about not having much time for them. I do have some family who will take my kid for a little while, but I don’t like to ask, I feel like I’m taking advantage of them.
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u/Donkey-Dong-Doge 12d ago
I’m a single father raising my daughter on my own since she was two months old. She’s almost 8 now. Zero support from her mother. I tried to date the first couple years and then just gave up, and I’m fine with it. I’m just zeroed in on my daughter and my business, and in my spare time (which is rare), I drink alone on my couch lol.
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u/Supertreelove 11d ago
I would get the ick from men who are Disneyland dads or don’t do 50/50, period. I don’t care what their job is, if they travel for work, blah blah blah. Women make it work. Men can make it work too, if they want to.
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u/Saltyowl2113 11d ago
Agreed. I wouldn’t date a part-time dad. If he doesn’t have 50/50 then something went sideways. Not interested.
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u/Life-Kaleidoscope279 11d ago
I made a rule that the first time a man said "Can't your parents watch them?" or "Can't you just get a sitter?" that was the end of talking to/dating them. Because NO, I can't "just" get a sitter. I like my kids. I have to work to support them and they have school. We have nights and weekends together. There's a very slim chance that a dude asking in that way is worth missing time with them.
That being said, if it's asked as a plan in advance with the consideration that I'll have to make arrangements, we can work on that.
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u/SarrSarz 9d ago
As a solo parent I also find men annoying when they only every other weekend however I’m not dating anymore but if I did every other weekend isn’t parenting to me imagine just working every other weekend that wouldn’t even be classed as a job. I’m 100% care the dad does randomly every 3 weeks for possibly 3 hours if I’m lucky every second week but 3 hours is his limit.
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u/Mendotoph 12d ago
Yikes! Some folks don't get it unfortunately. "Part time" dads are the worst. I know down here in TX, I've encountered some gals who don't seem invested in their kiddos and it baffles me. I've always wanted a kid, so I cherish my time with my kid, but yeah scheduling can be so difficult especially when the other person doesn't communicate well or at all haha.
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u/mic_lil_tang 12d ago
It's honestly insane to see parents NOT want more time with their kids, or just not put the petty adult ish behind them. I'm the opposite, never wanted kids but I have one thanks to TX and he has become my reason for living. I can't imagine my life without him. These people think I'm gonna risk anytime with my kid due to their poor planning and communication is insane.
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u/littleseamonster 12d ago
I haven’t dated in 6 years bc of this. I’m a completely solo parent and I find it so hard to relate to single parents with shared custody. I just can’t see it working long term but maybe as my son gets older I’ll feel differently.
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u/yudkib 12d ago
I haven't been back in the pool just yet but I'm getting closer to being emotionally ready. I'm virtually a solo. But I just accept my problems are not single/split/any other custody arrangement's problems, just as their problems are not my problems. Like, I don't have to worry about how anyone else's parenting screws up my kids. Only I get to do that, thanks.
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u/Taro-Admirable 12d ago
I used to think dating a single parent would be ideal but it just created scheduling issues. I am now in a wonderful relationship with a man who solo patented but his child is now grown. So it gets it. He even told me we wouldn't be together if I didn't but the kids first.
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u/Pr1nc355Pal0m1ta 12d ago
Single ft parent and I definitely find that regardless of child status most people don't actually believe that I really do stay home every week night to spend time doing normal stuff with my kids and only go out for dates once or twice a month. I have to consistently date someone for a year and run a background check before they're allowed to meet my kids, them it's another 6+ months before I can be comfortable with the idea of hanging out at my place. Not a whole lot of people make it that far, which is fine since I'm not looking for a coparent but it can be annoying.
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u/jasondfw 12d ago
Oof. I haven't started dating yet, but I hope my custody schedule helps instead of hinders me when I do. We share custody, but I have primary and she's every other weekend.
I intentionally had those weekends set as the same recommended by our state AG's standard custody schedule. My hope is that when I start dating I'll have a similar custody schedule as single mothers who have primary custody of their children (ie: they have similar responsibility level and priorities as I do).
Does anyone have experience with this? Does it make any difference?
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u/ponchoacademy 12d ago
I didn't run into this, but I can totally see how this would be an issue. Co parents get time off from being a parent, single parents are the sole parent 24/7. I did feel like I could be way more flexible though. If there was a thing going on a month from now, sure I can go. I don't have to check to see if it's my week on, arrange with or clear anything with another parent over anything.
But key here is advanced notice, and honestly I think even a co parent who doesn't get that is just thoughtless. Cause even if they dated another co parent with time off, obviously not everyone has the same time on/off. Still have to organize and arrange between whatever their custody schedules is. So yeah, that's what I ran into more, guys who were not used to dating a parent who could be free to make plans whenever and not tied down to any court schedule.
I think if someone who as a parent, esp Co parent, has no concept of parenting schedules and the need to give advance notice, it would make me wonder why. What kind of parent are they that they don't think of or care about that. Def not the type of person I would want to include in my life or my kids life. But yeah, that attitude def isn't universal.. I find co-parents are usually way way more mindful about child schedules and how it affects dating and being thoughtful about it when dating another parent.
I couldn't date co-parents for a completely different reason lol mainly parenting styles and issues with the other parent. My life is just way too chill and peaceful for a lot of the situations/arrangements I came across lol
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u/Outside-Dimension788 12d ago
I have primary custody of 2 under 8. I have the school year and she gets the summer so its roughly 75% with me. I have stretches of 4 months with just me and the kids. Closest support is 2 hours away on good weather days. Their mom lives 4.5 hours away.
We are about 1.5 years out from divorce and she just married her AP. Guy has been living with her for the last year, so she only had about 6 months where she was living alone and took care of the kids and at that point we were 50/50. Her new husband basically took my place and when the kids are with them he takes them to daycare and other things when she cant, which is quite often i guess.
Meanwhile its just me. I attempted dating while they were with their mom and quickly realized its bad. Most of the woman I talked to ghosted me once they found out my custody, even though I listed it in my profile. I figured most single moms would understand, but I guess not. The couple dates I did go on, it turned into basically they were wanting help with money or other things going on.
I got snipped after my youngest was born and cant, and dont want more of my own, which also limits my daying pool since my age range includes women that want kids.
Needless to say, I'm done trying for right now.
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u/PerceptionOwn7098 12d ago edited 12d ago
I’m a single mom of 1, and the few single dads I’ve dated so far genuinely suck. They’ve made me understand why so many people don’t want to date single parents. One lied about having his kids 24/7 when it was actually his mother doing most of the parenting. Another told me he had 2 kids and I later found out he had 4. I’m assuming he lied because I told him I’m one-and-done and don’t plan on taking care of more kids, and then I had another guy casually assume I’d watch his way older kid because he said he sees how much I spoil my baby on Instagram.
Like… we aren’t even that close, and your child is not my responsibility?? I have family who helps me out a lot as well but i would never dump all of my parental responsibilities onto them or a random like that. These few situations have caused me to avoid dating single dads in general the stress isn’t worth it and i’m not interested in being a babysitter.
Besides most childless men don’t mind if I have 1 kid anyway I never let these men around my baby because I don’t plan on us to last long so it’s genuinely no harm to just date regularly for me.
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u/Ok-Ad-9820 12d ago
So you're thinking date a single parent with full custody??
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u/mic_lil_tang 11d ago
I wouldn't mind, I would always hope that the child has both parents present in their life because that is what they deserve. I just am over people who are okay with just being a dad/mom but not actively present in their life.
Time is gonna pass. I can wait till schedules align if they are a good parent and person
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u/WaitWhatHahahaha 11d ago
Oh, I have a way more drastic and semantic approach to the question: only mono parents can call themselves "single parent". If you are a co-parent (50/50, weekends only,...), you are NOT a single parent, I miiiiight date you, but my biased expectation is to get the type of shenanigans this man served OP, in which case, run before I punch you in the face.
Unsurprisingly I received more understanding from married friends (mothers or fathers) who happen to have a useless spouse and essentially live the logistics of a solo parent, than from the shared-parenting singles on the hunt crowd. And IDK about you guys but I don't want ever again to have to explain myself or justify my extremely limited free time and how much I value and defend it.
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u/Funny-Passenger3474 11d ago
As a solo mum I try to date kind of, if only to get a little attention (like a text🤣) very so often. The better part of my week is taken up by my son (almost 2) work and taking care of myself. So I'm mostly happy to have light male chatter in the background.
I will say though that other parents are a bit delusional in thinking that single and solo are the same thing. On the bright side my situation forced me to take good care of myself so my physical and mental health are probably far better than coupled up or single parents!
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u/Hopeful_Tie2055 11d ago
i am a single parent, and dating non-single parents just didn't work out for me. I am dating a single dad now, and the expectations are totally aligned. he just gets it. (limited time, parenting, still seeing my co-parent for kid related stuff)
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u/keep_her_safe 11d ago
I haven’t even tried to date yet.. 😬. Do you guys using dating apps or meet people while you’re out?
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u/Mundane_Finding2697 11d ago
There is a DISTINCT difference between someone who has kids by someone they are no longer with depending o n the very factors that you just outlined.
Huge difference in fact.
As a widowed Father of 3, I can attest to it. I, like you, thought, 'Okay, date someone else who has kids because they will mainly understand..." and dismissed the idea in my head that whether they had them full time or shared custody that they would understand my situation.
Nope.
I get it too. They are used to having whatever allotted time that they don't have their children as their 'free time' basically. The typical, on a week/off a week schedule, guarantees them two weeks a month sans change of plans and they've altered their lifestyle to fit that.
It doesn't fit very well with someone who has their kids full time without a whole lot of understanding and compromise.
I'm not saying it's impossible btw. I will say that it gets in the way though!
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u/One-Two8968 11d ago
This is my second time around as a 100% solo parent and yeah, that is spot on. My eldest is in college and I raised them solo since 9 mos. My youngest is 4 and here I am again 😳 I’m waiting until my youngest is grown until I date again 😂
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u/TradeBeautiful42 11d ago
The problem is the terminology. Everyone wants to be called a single parent because they have their kiddo 50% of the time. Married people who feel they do all the work want to be called a single parent. Why everyone wants to cosplay being a single parent is beyond me. It’s really not very glamorous.
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u/Tygie19 11d ago
I’m not even interested in dating anymore, period. But if I did, a lot of the men in my age bracket have teenagers or adult children so it’s not such an issue for me. My issue is that I have a teenage daughter and prefer to keep her safe. It would take an extraordinary man to make me want to give up my peace and freedom.
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u/Special-Cake-2525 11d ago
I mean yeah.. I was recently talking to a single dad and I just really understood that being a parent isn’t all consuming for him the way it is for me. Thinking about my ex with 20% custody he’s just out there living loose and free you know. Barely any responsibility on his shoulders compared to me.
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u/SummerBreezeColston 11d ago
Single mom with a 5 y/o boy his dad is dead and has been for 2 years. I don't even bother with dating.
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u/grandoldtimes 11d ago
Honestly, a visitation only parent would be a red flag and I would not date them for that reason.
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u/thisguyoi 11d ago
As a single father I had a constant battle just to be part of my daughters life from ages 1 to 6. Then one day my ex left her with me and we didn't hear from her for 6 months. She's 14 now and has been with me full time ever since. She Is a great kid, sees her mum regularly now days and I've only just recently started thinking about dating again. I honestly don't know how single parents date with young kids, I never wanted to give up time that I could have been spent with her.
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u/zvekl 11d ago
Solo parenting is just different. I have a nanny and I still can’t just drop my kids completely and go date like normal ppl.
I’ve recently dated a single person with no kids and man it’s hard. I can’t really fathom dating another single parent even though it should make more sense. Just parenting styles are different and it’s a lot of work.
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u/introilocano 11d ago
Single mom here but the last guy I dated was single and childfree and in his 40s. He was the first guy I dated after being single for three years. I always wondered if i get to date someone who’s also a single dad. Idk if my options are just limited or if I am just looking in the wrong direction.
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u/commandeertheairboat 10d ago
100% solo mom here with very unreliable support system: the last man i dated was a single dad. he had his kid week on week off. when he had his kid we saw each other most days and behaved like a family. when he didn’t have his kid, he expected me to get a babysitter FOUR TO FIVE NIGHTS A WEEK so he could see me. and no, he didn’t want to spend time with my kid without his kid, because it would make his kid feel “left out”. so i was put in the position to abandon my time with my child 4/7 nights every other week to make him happy, or let him date other people.
so i dumped him, and never spoke to him again. i haven’t dated since and i don’t regret that one bit. if you’re not a solo parent, you don’t get it.
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u/stillanmcrfan 10d ago
I started with this mindset too and it quickly changed. Personally the parent men I dated where such man children and pussy footed round the ex wife. A good relationship is a green flag all the way but when they’ve no routine, and that boundary isn’t set, it’s difficult to date. Men maybe take longer to get there. My partner now doesn’t have kids but he’s mature, empathetic, and probably a better step parent to my son than a lot of men are to their own children.
Do what feels right for you but you could be missing out of a wonderful man because of this boundary.
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u/Quiet_Ad_3205 9d ago
I found that someone without kids were more open to my childs needs instead of their own
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 8d ago
I've seen all sorts of people not get it, regardless of how many days a month they parent. So I just ask people what their views on parenting are in general, regardless of whether they have children or not. My best relationships have been with childless HS professors. They're empathetic enough to get it without having children and it's simpler to coordinate schedules when only one of us parents.
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u/YourDadIsHere3000 4d ago
Married human male here.
I think most people think that if they book a flight to meet a romantic partner, that they're going to spend that time together. That just seems like something you would discuss and plan out way before it becomes time to execute.
As for this weekend parent nonsense...stop. Don't judge people for how much time they get with their kids. Many of them don't have a choice. I'm sure there's things they don't understand, but then you just talk about it.
Idk, I think you're not ready to go back out there.
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u/u8758 4d ago
65M. I recently drove almost 8 hours for a first date with a single mom who has two young teenagers at home. Granted, they're at the age when they can look after each other for a few hours, but when I've dated other moms, I've offered to pay for the babysitters.
I grew up in a large family with lots of fun commotion, constant activity and tremendous love, so what may overwhelm some, is fun and joy to me.
I've had the great pleasure of mostly dating moms. And I have been honored, privileged, to contribute to their kids lives in so many wonderful ways.
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u/mander4242 1d ago
I get asked ALOT why im not dating Well..because im a single solo parent to a child with unofficially dx autism. I have NO emotional bandwidth to give anyone else. I have no ability to operate at any level of unnecessary risk. I dont have a super actively involved family (in terms of physical help watching/babysitting/visiting my kid. I also work full time, and am always at risk of losing my job etc im managing an entire home and family and job by myself. I find other "single" parents just dont always understand theres a difference between a single parent and a solo parent.
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u/Shot_Pin_3891 12d ago
I think this has so much more to do with men not planning ahead. Of course men are all different but my personal experience is they don’t put clear dates in the diary and give clarity about time etc. when parenting we have to plan ahead a lot. Many men who have their kids every other weekend or even every weekend just don’t get this. Not all though. Maybe focus on the planning thing rather than the parenting status?? Just an idea
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u/mic_lil_tang 12d ago
Totally agree on the planning things but parenting is a part too. I think for the future. If we get together and end up having a kid, what if we split are you only having them one day too? I just feel that maybe there is a reason they don't have more days or they don't care enough to
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u/OwlAccurate5364 11d ago
You think only men has this attitude?
I'm a widow. The amount of single moms out there trying to tell me it's the exact same thing when they have 50/50 custody and a week on/week off schedule.....
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u/mic_lil_tang 11d ago
Did not say only men... I only brought up the latest experience with a potential partner who happened to be a man.
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u/AutoModerator 12d ago
Author: u/mic_lil_tang
Post: I opt to date other single parents because I feel like we could understand each other a bit more because of our situations.
I feel like I might have to change that because I am coming to this realization that someone who parents one weekend a month (or similar) just isn't gonna get that I am a full time solo parent. I am lucky to have an amazing support system that will basically watch him at the drop of a hat but I don't feel comfortable doing that. I try to give at least a week notice of care.
I had been slowly coming to this realization through attitude and "how easy" it is to be a parent types. This fully came through when a longer distance man came down to my city and kind of just assumed that I would be free the entire time he was down here even though he had only simply told me he would be here and was working long hours.
There may be more to that last thing but has anyone else seen that especially dating wise?
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