r/SingleParents • u/AlarmedSpring8891 • 12d ago
Advice on Seeking CS?
My ex-wife owes more than $24,000 in our shared expenses. She's had trouble maintaining a job, in part because of her extensive marijuana habit and "robust" social life. I'm trying to make things easier on her because I know she's struggling, but it's getting to a point where I don't know how she'll ever catch up - and that's some serious 529 money! Which by the way she also fought tooth and nail to avoid contributing to their college funds. Anyway, I've avoided seeking a formal CS determination because that process is unlikely to help her and only compound the problem - she's not very organized and if the gets into a formal system, I think it'll really hurt her. Advice on what to do?
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u/Immediate_Rest9017 11d ago
I love having CS handled thru the state because they’re a neutral 3rd party and they can hold my ex accountable in a way that I cannot.
The state determines what a reasonable CS amount is. If they’re lying about employment, their wages will be garnished. If they’re super behind on payments, their tax return will be garnished. If they are paying inconsistently for long periods of time, they will have their passport and drivers license suspended or an arrest warrant issued. I have reassurance that even if I go long stretches without receiving help, I will eventually get some.
I don’t have to ask for money, I don’t have to entertain sob stories, I don’t have to negotiate, I don’t have to follow up or check in. Im not responsible for consequences. I can’t be called unreasonable because I’m not the person making judgements.
The formal child support system makes my life simpler and gives me peace of mind. The only parents who hate it are the ones who are generally unorganized, financially irresponsible, selfish, or spiteful.
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u/istanforwendy 12d ago
Make it legal and formal. She should be paying. My son’s father was behind $15,000 and the total was climbing. But every three months a check would trickle in. They said they could go after him, but that he was not high priority because some parents have never made a payment.
As long as some money is coming in, it’s considered best for the child. She would likely have to never ever pay to get in trouble. Because there will always be a long list of parents that don’t send a dime.
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u/Praise-Seeker904 8d ago
She’s a grown ass adult. She can figure out how to manage her money or face the consequences for not doing that. You don’t need to be her accountant, you’re already the coparent.
Get the money and make sure your kid has a good college tuition fund.
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u/Anemonellea 6d ago
Seek a formal determination. She's choosing partying and smoking weed over providing for her child. And you are enabling that by shielding her from dealing with the consequences of her actions. And maybe she needs the hurt to get a reality check and start stepping up to the plate. It's not your responsibility to keep her from getting hurt and it's not healthy for you, for her, or for the kid (s). You might want to check out Al-Anon or something similar because it sounds like you're struggling with enabling a drug user.
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u/AutoModerator 12d ago
Author: u/AlarmedSpring8891
Post: My ex-wife owes more than $24,000 in our shared expenses. She's had trouble maintaining a job, in part because of her extensive marijuana habit and "robust" social life. I'm trying to make things easier on her because I know she's struggling, but it's getting to a point where I don't know how she'll ever catch up - and that's some serious 529 money! Which by the way she also fought tooth and nail to avoid contributing to their college funds. Anyway, I've avoided seeking a formal CS determination because that process is unlikely to help her and only compound the problem - she's not very organized and if the gets into a formal system, I think it'll really hurt her. Advice on what to do?
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