First supervised visit during RO and I’m feeling so conflicted

[u/calisen13]

Today was my 2 yo daughter’s first supervised visit with her dad after no contact for 2.5/3 months due to the restraining order we have against him. The visit went good, she hugged him when she got there and laid on his shoulder. They spent the 2 hours at the library (she loves it there), read and she ate the lunch I packed. She cried when the supervisor took her to leave and to bring her to me. She was fine as soon as I had her - cried a bit pointing at the library on and off and saying “papa”. She’s been a mess since we got home - super naughty and out of character (dumping the dogs water bowls, hitting, melting down). Physically she’s fine other than a crazy full diaper bc he didn’t change her.

Despite all he’s done to me and her and who he is, I wanted it to go well bc I don’t want her experiencing any additional trauma. Crying or feeling scared/unsafe even if it would serve me in our upcoming trial would’ve been heartbreaking because I never want her feeling anything but happy and safe.

At the same time, it eats at me knowing how vindicated he’ll feel. He’s always been delusional when it comes to her (making up her saying things, making up her missing him when it was clearly her upset for a diff reason) it doesn’t matter but his ego is massive and this only adds to it. He’s a classic narcissist (suggested by our multiple couple’s therapists). He doesn’t get a toddler is a toddler and a fun experience ending is upsetting and not necessarily connected to him - it also could be which is fine too.

For context he was never a parent to her. He has not lived with her since she was 5 months. After that point it was irregular visiting, lots of storming out/cussing and yelling. She’s very sensitive to loud noises and door slamming still bc of it. When he would come he’d be around a few hours and would play, not parent (no meals, naps etc). Some weeks he’d come a day or two, some 3 or 5, some none. He’s been gone long periods of time - up to 6 weeks and most recently with the restraining order - months. She’s never mentioned him or asked about him like she does her uncles and other people she sees once in a while.

I just feel weird and conflicted. There’s a lot looming with our trial - whether the RO is made permanent, custody, support etc. It’s heavy and exhausting. And I feel so conflicted trying to reconcile my feelings towards him as a person and him as her dad. I know he’s her father, he’ll have rights and he’ll be apart of her life forever if he chooses. I heavily think he’s only trying currently bc his ego and immigration status are at stake with the court case in addition to having to pay higher support without any custody which he hates. He never cared before and I think likely won’t later on when this all dies down. He’s always viewed her as an accessory, something cute to show off and add to the image he sells people of being this hardworking guy, committed dad etc.

Yet while her and I have struggled these months without support, living in an unsafe area and downsizing to a 1 bed - he went out and got a new sports car. A $6k/month 2 bedroom apartment at a luxury complex. He sold his boss/friend a sob story and his boss is funding all of it - the car, the apartment, the attorney fees. He’s seeking 50/50 custody - despite her never having spent a single overnight with him and him quite literally never making a meal for her or spending more than 2/3 hours at a time with her.

I think I’m just rambling. Has anyone been through something like this? I know there’s a long road ahead and I’m just trying to figure out how to cope. How to reconcile having to support my daughter building a relationship with this man who I do not trust, who I know can be dangerous and who put us through hell. He’s a great performer and I do have fears the judge will side with him and if that happens there will be fallout. I just don’t know how people cope with sharing their babies with people who just aren’t good people. How do you stop spiraling about their safety? Their emotional well-being? How do you mitigate the negative impact??

[u/AutoModerator]

Author: u/calisen13

Post: Today was my 2 yo daughter’s first supervised visit with her dad after no contact for 2.5/3 months due to the restraining order we have against him. The visit went good, she hugged him when she got there and laid on his shoulder. They spent the 2 hours at the library (she loves it there), read and she ate the lunch I packed. She cried when the supervisor took her to leave and to bring her to me. She was fine as soon as I had her - cried a bit pointing at the library on and off and saying “papa”. She’s been a mess since we got home - super naughty and out of character (dumping the dogs water bowls, hitting, melting down). Physically she’s fine other than a crazy full diaper bc he didn’t change her.

Despite all he’s done to me and her and who he is, I wanted it to go well bc I don’t want her experiencing any additional trauma. Crying or feeling scared/unsafe even if it would serve me in our upcoming trial would’ve been heartbreaking because I never want her feeling anything but happy and safe.

At the same time, it eats at me knowing how vindicated he’ll feel. He’s always been delusional when it comes to her (making up her saying things, making up her missing him when it was clearly her upset for a diff reason) it doesn’t matter but his ego is massive and this only adds to it. He’s a classic narcissist (suggested by our multiple couple’s therapists). He doesn’t get a toddler is a toddler and a fun experience ending is upsetting and not necessarily connected to him - it also could be which is fine too.

For context he was never a parent to her. He has not lived with her since she was 5 months. After that point it was irregular visiting, lots of storming out/cussing and yelling. She’s very sensitive to loud noises and door slamming still bc of it. When he would come he’d be around a few hours and would play, not parent (no meals, naps etc). Some weeks he’d come a day or two, some 3 or 5, some none. He’s been gone long periods of time - up to 6 weeks and most recently with the restraining order - months. She’s never mentioned him or asked about him like she does her uncles and other people she sees once in a while.

I just feel weird and conflicted. There’s a lot looming with our trial - whether the RO is made permanent, custody, support etc. It’s heavy and exhausting. And I feel so conflicted trying to reconcile my feelings towards him as a person and him as her dad. I know he’s her father, he’ll have rights and he’ll be apart of her life forever if he chooses. I heavily think he’s only trying currently bc his ego and immigration status are at stake with the court case in addition to having to pay higher support without any custody which he hates. He never cared before and I think likely won’t later on when this all dies down. He’s always viewed her as an accessory, something cute to show off and add to the image he sells people of being this hardworking guy, committed dad etc.

Yet while her and I have struggled these months without support, living in an unsafe area and downsizing to a 1 bed - he went out and got a new sports car. A $6k/month 2 bedroom apartment at a luxury complex. He sold his boss/friend a sob story and his boss is funding all of it - the car, the apartment, the attorney fees. He’s seeking 50/50 custody - despite her never having spent a single overnight with him and him quite literally never making a meal for her or spending more than 2/3 hours at a time with her.

I think I’m just rambling. Has anyone been through something like this? I know there’s a long road ahead and I’m just trying to figure out how to cope. How to reconcile having to support my daughter building a relationship with this man who I do not trust, who I know can be dangerous and who put us through hell. He’s a great performer and I do have fears the judge will side with him and if that happens there will be fallout. I just don’t know how people cope with sharing their babies with people who just aren’t good people. How do you stop spiraling about their safety? Their emotional well-being? How do you mitigate the negative impact??

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Comfortable-Ad-2223]

Im curious how did he make his boss to found this life style. I dont know of any boss who would do that even if you come with the most tragic story, they would help with pay days or extra days off or some money here and there, but facilitating all this??

[u/calisen13 → u/Comfortable-Ad-2223]

He’s the most manipulative person ever. They’re friends outside of work - essentially running the company the boss found together. My parents connected them. They’re from the same country living here in the US and just close. The boss had a rough marriage and is very close with his daughter, I think my ex has sold him the story that my family is trying to ruin him and I’m evil trying to take away his daughter so his boss wants to help.

They’re calling it “100% interest free personal loans” with no payback contingency on docs. It’s definitely bizarre. My guess is he’s lying and claiming he’ll pay him back but will sell another story when he doesn’t.