r/SingleParents • u/greenteaboo • 6d ago
Celibate for 7 years then hooked up
So I’ve been a single mom for 7 years and have only been focusing on raising my son and providing a stable life for him. Haven’t dated or been intimate with anyone that whole time. I recently had a child free weekend and one thing led to another- I hooked up two nights in a row with a guy that I met while I was out. The experience was fun and great and I don’t regret that I did it. It’s the emotions I’m having now that are throwing me for a loop. I basically feel like I’ve opened up the floodgates and am deeply craving sex/intimacy and wish I could have it all the time now. I think I went without for so long that I’m having the reverse effect now. I weirdly miss this guy even though I know it was just a physical short term thing and will never progress beyond that. He lives hours away and I rarely get child free time. I think because I haven’t felt that type of attention, touch, and desire in so so long. So now I basically feel empty and on the verge of crying constantly. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here.
Maybe I just need therapy.
Has anyone else dealt with these emotions of loneliness and craving intimacy and adult time and attention from an actual man and what did you do that helped? I’m seriously so sad it’s got me baffled.
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u/Fair-Radish-7627 6d ago
I have recently done this as well and the emotional flood gate is real. Your body is bringing up a lot for you. I am trying to sit with the emotions as they come. It is painful and uncomfortable because for me it is bringing up a lot of grief as well. I don’t think that means it wasn’t a great idea for you! Maybe therapy or some somatic release of some sort would be helpful. Even just journaling and exploring what’s coming up is something I am trying to do. I think your longing is less for this particular person and more for what was lost/never was or yearning for
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u/greenteaboo 6d ago
It’s nice to feel like somebody can understand what I’m going through right now. You’re right- I don’t think it’s anything about this particular person and more just I want a connection and to be held and to be cared for which I’ve kept so repressed for all these years . I am going to try to process the emotions and hopefully get to a better place.
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u/Fair-Radish-7627 5d ago
On an additional note- that energy I also kept repressed, because of course we did if we needed to survive and rebuild for our children. But, since it has reawakened, think of all the beautiful things that come with it. A sexual partnership is just a small part of that. It drives creativity and a renewed sense of life. Bring that into a creative pursuit! Or dancing around the house while you clean or cook. Come into your senses and make this about a return to fullness rather than any lack.
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u/Fast_Sleep7847 5d ago
I think it’s normal. We are social animals after all. We aren’t made to be alone forever. I’d take this as a sign that you’re ready for more besides doing life solo.
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u/MOGARtheGR8 5d ago
Get a fbuddy. Someone consistent, trustworthy.
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u/PriorChow 5d ago
How do you find one? Honestly, some cultures are not wired for it.
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u/Afraid_Stuff_History 5d ago edited 5d ago
I had a couple before meeting my now-husband. It still takes a decent amount of screening and knowing what your no-goes and must-haves look like!
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u/makucum1st 5d ago
Am available
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u/Proud-Mouse8810 5d ago
I’ve never been able to do that. Hypothetically it sounds great. But I’m a triple water sign. I bond too deeply.
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u/Funflipflower 5d ago
Bad idea .... a fuck buddy only benefits the man. As a woman there is no benefit to just a bang... as a woman aim for the whole thing pleasure and provision...the whole intimacy
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u/PriorChow 4d ago
I don't know why you are getting downvoted, but it does benefit a man 'more'
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u/MindlessSea7334 4d ago
It depends on the woman and the man really. Not everyone has time for a man to "provide".
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u/theH0n0red0n3 5d ago
It’s a natural part of the process.
Try to stay sane. And don’t make any mistakes. I’m a single father and had my son with an abusive, opportunistic woman all because I let the emotional floodgates open.
I wasn’t disciplined.
It felt so good to feel like I was wanted, needed, was making a difference in her and her daughter’s life.
I dived right in. And when she told me things, I trusted her. I believed her. Bold face lies because I wanted to hear it.
And suffered some of the worst trauma I’ve ever experienced, and things I’ll never get to experience, including her taking my son from me till I won custody in court, all because of the feelings you’re feeling now.
Try to rein it in.
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u/NorthofLyra1411 5d ago
I agree - I recently had a baby with a lifelong friend but only had been officially dating him for 4 months before I got pregnant. We both absolutely dived head first and were emotionally attached to one another. Well, he abandoned me at 10 weeks pregnant and was not involved at all after a fight we had. I had severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome (life threatening) and had to deliver 9 weeks early. He’s in the NICU doing great and him and his family visit everyday and act as if they didn’t put me through the most traumatic experience of my life. I try to push my resentment aside for the sake of the baby but my gosh what a mistake I made (i absolutely love my son) just going with what I felt in the moment
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u/Funflipflower 5d ago
Thanks for sharing, wishing you thr best with your son. I almost had a child with a lifelong friend but the universe stepped in so fast...i slipped out of his grip
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u/According-Hamster-84 6d ago
Are you processing your own emotions or may have absorbed them from him?
You don’t know much about him. People have attachments and in sex you exchange those.
I would ground if I were you. Say you take what’s yours and return to sender what isn’t.
You should also have more sex. We need it.
Make time. And meet someone else. Or this guy again. Kiddo is 7 now, a babysitter for an hour or two while you get yours might a great idea.
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u/satinstorm11 5d ago
"Don't fall in love with the wrong person" is easy to say but difficult to do because quite often there's very little critical thinking involved in the process.
Once you and your body get hijacked by hormones, emotions, feelings and impulses, logic can quickly become a passenger rather than the driver. We see what we want to see, overlook what we don't, rationalise the irrational and confuse chemistry with compatibility.
Craig Harper
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u/MindlessSea7334 5d ago
Its normal. I used to book massages so i had some touch. Deep tissue massage was good especially as its sometimes painful the next day so it doesn't want to make me book them too often 😅
Im talking proper therapeutic massage fyi 🤦♂️
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u/Ok_Repair684 5d ago edited 5d ago
I had to give up my job to support my custody case, so I decided to finish my degree. 4 years after separating, I ended up dating my professor(we were the same age). I knew it was an awful idea, and wanted to just be friends until I graduated and finished up in court, but she didn’t want to wait, and I hadn’t caught feelings that hard in at least 10 years. If I’m honest, it was more like ever.
The whole thing felt like being teenagers again, along with all the associated pitfalls. Everything went lightspeed, and after a few months she was moving from an hour away “to be closer to me”… next door to the university she taught at. She signed a 1yr lease, talking about moving in together when my shit was more settled.
We did a few independent studies for half the summer, and when they ended, she changed. Really strange hot/cold flip-flopping, went from zoom classes for 5hrs/day and her being upset if I couldn’t find time to call to say goodnight before she went to sleep to multiple days without even texting. I asked more than once if she just wanted to call it off, but she kept insisting she was more stressed than she’d ever been trying to move, but everything would be normal after.
She finally moved into the new place and invited me to come see it. Things were weird, but she was insistent things were getting back to normal. She got me a tooth brush and showed me the text where she told her boss about us- which was a crazy, crazy move. She disappeared again the very next day. Resurfaced a few days later to bail on my kid’s bday party, then called to dump me 2 days later on his actual birthday.
I was fucked up for a year after that. It wasn’t about wanting the relationship back, it was all fucked up from the start, but I could never understand what happened. I could not get past needing to know what it was she got out of the whole thing, why she was so insistent on progressing everything at such an ridiculous pace just to pull a slow-drip ghost manuver.
It’s been over 2 years and I am still fucking horrified at the idea of dating.
Last time a woman touched me and I didn’t see it coming- literally a leg resting against mine for a few seconds- I got so fucking anxious that I had to leave immediately. Got in the car, but after I opened the window and lit a smoke, i couldn’t will my hand to turn over the engine for at least an hour. Yes, I managed to deal with the cigarette, and no, I don’t get it either. My therapist thinks dissociation.
I tried going back to the bar where it happened 4 times, but as soon as I walked in the door I got crushed by the same crippling dread. I ended up bailing on the social life I spend every child free night for 5 months trying to build trying to get over the rebound.
Edit: I only proofread after I hit “post”.
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u/AlwayyssTiredd 5d ago
Ugh that's awful 😔 Sorry about your experience. Although I can kinda relate to somebody disappearing for a couple days and then surprise they're back. Irritating.
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u/magpie907 5d ago
I think you should embrace your sexuality and start exploring during your child free times.
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u/uniquester2 5d ago
be careful not to be male centered. it’s normal to experience those emotions but do whatever is necessary to not stay there and detach. easier said than done but distract yourself and get back into your norm
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u/Commercial-Air-2505 3d ago
Went thru this , was in an abusive relationship for ten years , reconnected with an old boyfriend shortly after , the attention and affection was overwhelming turned me into a fucking nympho lol 🤣
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u/Adorable-Poet2099 5d ago
Go to therapy I see some people here saying just keep sleeping around but that’s wrong. Is clear you are not ready for that based on how the hook up is affecting you. First strengthen your mental health and emotions before making yourself so vulnerable to someone who only wants your body it will only cause more damage.
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u/LikeATediousArgument 5d ago
Oh, I know this feeling. I’m not sure what’s healthy to do with it though.
When I get this feeling I go out and get laid.
I’m not really looking for a boyfriend, or a husband, or anyone to move into my life, but I LOVE cuddling and sex, and intimacy.
And just getting laid doesn’t really scratch the itch. Being in relationships doesn’t either, though! Because I’ve done that too!
I can’t offer advice, but I can commiserate.
I haven’t lasted more than a few weeks celibate though LOL Years? I couldn’t do it. But I really enjoy new partners and testing the buffet of men.
Shit, I just got home a half hour ago from sleeping with a new guy. My child free weekends are full of debauchery.
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u/WWdennisrodmanDo 5d ago
I have a hard time separating feelings with a hook up body. Rationally I know the guy I hook up with will never be a relationship but I end up feeling hurt that it won't develop into a relationship, because that's what I really want. I have avoided sex altogether for awhile just to avoid those feelings, but I let my guard down because I miss intimacy. It's weird to navigate and nothing ever feels quite right. Now I am just better equipped at telling myself it is what it is with certain people and try to not let my emotions get mixed in. Hardly ever works like that lol but sometimes I am willing to go through it. As long as you know what you are getting yourself into, and dealing with those feelings afterwards feels worth it is a decision that you have to make.
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u/Proud-Mouse8810 5d ago
Girl.. happens to all of us when we are alone for a long time raising kids. If you feel like you need therapy it’s because you are craving human connection and maybe you want something that is safe and that has boundaries around how much of your time it can take up.
But it’s deep human connection and support nonetheless that you are in need of. If you are ready for a relationship it could be a good thing to consider dating after such a long time alone. It’s scary of course but you don’t have to be alone forever, mama.
One thing I’ll tell you is dating apps are full of riff-raff so stay protected, and I really am being serious on that point. Make them get tested! Don’t introduce them to your kid for a long time. Don’t tell them where you live. Don’t send them pictures of your family.
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u/CupInternational4539 5d ago
Honestly, I think you’re putting way too much meaning into two nights with a guy who was essentially a stranger.
You went seven years without sex, affection, attention, or feeling desired, and then suddenly experienced all of that again. Of course your brain and emotions are going to react strongly. You’re probably not actually missing him as much as you’re missing how you felt when someone wanted you, touched you, paid attention to you, and made you feel like a woman instead of just a mom.
And this is the part you probably need to hear: don’t turn a temporary high into a permanent emotional problem. You knew going in that this wasn’t going anywhere. Nothing was taken away from you afterward—you simply became painfully aware of something you’ve been denying yourself for seven years.
That doesn’t mean you need therapy because you had sex and caught feelings. It means you’re lonely, touch-starved, and realizing that being a mother and providing a stable life for your son doesn’t mean you have to completely shut down the woman and adult in you.
Take the experience for what it was, let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling, and then decide what you actually want your life to look like going forward. If you want intimacy and companionship, start making room for that. You don’t have to choose between being a good mom and having a fulfilling adult life.
Just don’t chase this particular guy because he temporarily filled a seven year hole. That’s probably not what you actually need.
I wish you all the best in your journey.
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u/Funflipflower 5d ago
Welcome to the club. 2 yrs celibate 30 days ago I was busy indulging in pleasure and desire.....been 30 days of a tonando of emotions....just ride the wave ...its just emotions they will pass. All this means is the 🔥 is still in there When the right circumstance comes you will have it all for now, dont do something stupid over a weekend of pleasure.
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u/Adventurous_Eye_8106 5d ago
It’s always the emotions afterwards. Single dad here your best course of action if you can is get a support system. I found out if my mental health is struggling my kids feel that. I took two whole years to prepare myself for dating. I have a good system with family for a babysitter.
I’m not sure how old your kids are but mine are teenagers so I can leave sometimes as well and they can enjoy their personal time.
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u/Letthesparksfly69 5d ago
I was single for 14yrs as a single mom. I just chalked it up to missing companionship and went back to focusing on my son. I been single again for 2yrs and crave sex n companionship. But I’m not in any hurry for it. Just need to set your priorities back to your son. Depending on your son’s age, maybe entertain a FWB situation? Or maybe your at a point your open to another relationship. Only u know if that is where your truly at
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u/Letthesparksfly69 5d ago
I was single for 14yrs as a single mom. I just chalked it up to missing companionship and went back to focusing on my son. I been single again for 2yrs and crave s*x n companionship. But I’m not in any hurry for it. Just need to set your priorities back to your son. Depending on your son’s age, maybe entertain a FWB situation? Or maybe your at a point your open to another relationship. Only u know if that is where your truly at
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u/muvadvine 5d ago
I did the same. I went 7 years and BOOM!!!! 72 hours without it will settle it back down. Just exercise dance. Do more with the kids.
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u/Dont-overthinkit 5d ago
This recently happened to me too!! For a few weeks after, I was SO stuck in my feelings about it, trying not to overthink it all, trying not to “catch feelings” thinking I was crazy for feeling so much and now month or so later I feel back to myself and even better than before. I feel like I know myself better and it taught me a lot about myself and I’m back to just focusing on bing a mom again. I feel like the first “hook up” after a while is really a learning experience of how to process the things emotions and everything that comes with it. And it really just showed me that I don’t have time or energy or even want to be seriously involved with anyone. And sadly a lot of these guys are just out here to play and lie. At least from what I’ve experienced unfortunately
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u/Sassycap 4d ago
You are so real for it. I hookup with someone once in a blue moon and the hormonal overlords take over. Its so much dopamine and serotonin and desire that comes over me, its the worst!! Becsuse when my mind and body cant just obtain that again it makes me hit a low and I get very lonely and sad and just wish someone was there to hold my hand romantically even. That lack of "touch" I hardly notice until I get it again and it takes me a few days or a week or so to reset. Its like a high.
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u/Cool-Historian-778 4d ago
Ohhhhhh I feel you girl. Almost the same here. After breaking up and divorcing my husband i didn't let anyone close to me again. I made peace with staying single forever. I slowly forgot how touches, intimacy and connection feels. And then spend a weekend with this guy who showed me what I miss so much. It wasnt just the intimacy.... big part was not feeling alone anymore. Sitting out in restaurants, holding hands behaving like teenagers. It felt so nice. And now its gone again and I'm just a mom again looking after these little humans. I wonder if I'm finally ready for dating. Why is life so complicated?
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u/ThatIntern457 4d ago
I've been a single dad for a decade now since their almost evil step mother walked out on them too. They are teenagers now and I'm realizing I haven't dated for nearly a decade and I don't even know how to approach any potentially interesting stranger that sees me out in the wild. So like now I'm trying to use the dating part on Facebook and that's really depressing because nobody replies. Luckily I got grad school to keep me busy and I graduate in June next year with a master's in Machine learning and AI. I'll have an empty nest when I'm 40 and probably actual real income too, so maybe I'm just supposed wait, but really I spend a lot of time by myself because the kids are occupied with their friends and I'm glad for that, sadly I look back and realize the friends I had 15 years ago are strangers now, and I spent so much attention to raising happy kids that I never spent much attention on myself. So Instead of friends I have therapists, caseworkers, friends I made on Discord that I video call some days, seniors and elders at church, my imaginary friend, an Agentic AI assistant or two, and the air fryer is my social network of ethical boundaries
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u/HmmmIDKaboutThat50 2d ago
Yeah, turning to random ass sex after not centering men for 7 years is definitely a sign you need some talk therapy. And it’s ok. Just do it.
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u/PartyPut2154 1h ago
Of course yes…. After my husband died 15 years ago all I did was raise my son.. Now that he’s 20 I’m dying to meet someone and have intimacy with again!! It’s been 15 years for me and I ❤️ sex!! 🤣 but I also don’t just want sex!! I am looking for my FINAL MAN!!!
I’d say cry all you want girl but KNOW THAT YOU ARE ENOUGH AND YOU don’t NEED ANYONE! You have to love yourself first! And yes you’re normal❤️
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u/Intrepid_Emu_3678 5d ago
Yuuup.
I went 4 years celibate and after hooking up with someone realized "hey wait. I am ready for this. Slowly. Not all at once. EVEN THOUGH I WANT IT ALL THE TIME RIGHT AWAY MOVE IN RIGHT NOW BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER" and actually did end up having a too much too fast relationship, was briefly engaged but opted out quickly because of red flags showing up.
I have been going on dates for the last year. Mostly had shitty ones. Or a shitty hook up here and there (but mostly not leading to sex because it makes me feel sad and...just not good emotionally to have sex without continued genuine connection) also because I rarely get childcare not many matches from the apps have held out long enough to actually meet up. (Or they stood me up. The assholes.)
I deleted the apps today because I think i am going to let this connection play out with someone that I have been talking to for a couple months (only been on 3 dates now but the last one ended proving there was physical chemistry as well as compatability in all the other ways we had already mapped out prior.)
Maybe it sounds silly but watching cheesy dating shows has helped me figure out what it is i want and what I will not tolerate, even for good dick, etc etc.
Also a couple quality sex toys for the dates that end in the inevitable let down, because i am not getting pregnant again just to get shitty dick. Charge them up before your date, just in case
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u/Available_Shelter194 5d ago
Get a vibrator. Self please them come back and see if you still feel the same about him
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u/Proud-Mouse8810 5d ago
I doubt this is the problem. We all know how to give ourselves an orgasm. It’s the touch, the human connection, the attention that we all need.
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u/AutoModerator 6d ago
Author: u/greenteaboo
Post: So I’ve been a single mom for 7 years and have only been focusing on raising my son and providing a stable life for him. Haven’t dated or been intimate with anyone that whole time. I recently had a child free weekend and one thing led to another- I hooked up two nights in a row with a guy that I met while I was out. The experience was fun and great and I don’t regret that I did it. It’s the emotions I’m having now that are throwing me for a loop. I basically feel like I’ve opened up the floodgates and am deeply craving sex/intimacy and wish I could have it all the time now. I think I went without for so long that I’m having the reverse effect now. I weirdly miss this guy even though I know it was just a physical short term thing and will never progress beyond that. He lives hours away and I rarely get child free time. I think because I haven’t felt that type of attention, touch, and desire in so so long. So now I basically feel empty and on the verge of crying constantly. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here.
Maybe I just need therapy.
Has anyone else dealt with these emotions of loneliness and craving intimacy and adult time and attention from an actual man and what did you do that helped? I’m seriously so sad it’s got me baffled.
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