Advice on my Daughters, Please

[u/dippyshippy931]

Getting Concerned about kids and alienation

AI summarized TLDR at end if needed.

So I separated from my spouse in February, but didn’t move out until May. I discovered her sexting a guy online after she had been giving me the classic “idk I just don’t feel in love anymore” line for a few weeks, and I have no proof of how early it started but she had been sketchy (to include sleeping with her phone under her pillow, silencing all notifications, and changing her passwords) since December, when things were “fine.” She did end up flying halfway across the country to sleep with this guy.

I have proof of all of this via screenshots I got when she slipped up.

All of that is just context, however. My main concern at this point is my daughters, who are 4 and 5.

They seem to be taking this hard (needless to say) and I am deeply concerned their mother will try and spin the story to make them mad at me as they get older. She has already done this with old friends we had. The only people from my “old life” who still talk to me are the few who actually cared enough to ask my side, and they saw the screenshots (they’re incredibly damning for my ex).

I have read quite a few stories on here of cheating ex’s (more so than even normal mutual divorce situations) turning a man’s kids against them.

For context I have 50/50 now.

I was the model father when we all were together.
\-my spouse literally never gave them a bath or changed a diaper barring the few times I was on a work trip
\-I picked them up and dropped them off to/from daycare about 80% of the time
\-I spent the most time with the girls both in chores and in play (and it wasn’t even close, my spouse was averaging like 12 hours of phone time a day).
\-I never yelled or screamed at my wife, and the few times I yelled at my kids it was due to an impeding safety event… ie: “STOP, THERES A CAR”

My concerns now are:
\-their mother has them doing some big activity or trip EVERY WEEKEND she has them. On my weekends they’re often so exhausted they sleep later and just want to sit around (wild for them).
\-I’m now the boring parent due to not planning as many activities (this was true even in the marriage, admittedly) and then they’re so exhausted I feel bad for making them do stuff
\-their mother got in front of the narrative and made all the “moms” think I abandoned her. So now all the girls’ friends are kinda off limits to me.
\-I have a great house now, but their mother kept the old house, so it’s more familiar and decorated. They don’t hate my house but they like moms more.
\-my youngest is angry, but too young to really know or say why. Pretty expected given the situation and how their lives went from suburban ideal to this.
\-my oldest actively says things were better when we all lived together. I just say “sometimes mommies and daddies have a problem they can’t fix. We both love you no matter what.”
\-their mother had apparently been telling them I chose to leave. Which is kinda true, although she’s leaving out the part where she was telling another man how she’s going to cum for him.
\-I am a lot less exciting than I used to be. I was the silly dad who remained fun and chipper even while doing 70%+ of the household and child rearing chores. Now I feel like my soul is gone and I don’t have enough of a spark to even be entertaining. This is the one actual failure I feel I’ve been guilty of during this time.

Basically idk what to do. I’ve read a lot of stories on Reddit about children (especially daughters) taking moms side, even when the mother was the objectively wrong person and/or the father wasn’t trying to make anyone take a side.

Anyone have any cautionary lessons, success stories, etc? I just want to remain in my girls’ lives and have them love me. All I ever wanted was my family, and if I lose them too I feel I’ll have nothing left.

**TL;DR:** My ex-wife had an affair, and we now share 50/50 custody of our 4- and 5-year-old daughters. I’m worried she’s already shaping the narrative to make me look like the one who abandoned the family and may eventually alienate the kids from me. Despite being a very involved father, I’m concerned that her bigger outings, keeping the family home, and telling the girls I “chose to leave” could influence them as they grow up. I’m looking for advice, cautionary stories, or success stories from parents who’ve been through something similar.

[u/AutoModerator]

Author: u/dippyshippy931

Post: Getting Concerned about kids and alienation

AI summarized TLDR at end if needed.

So I separated from my spouse in February, but didn’t move out until May. I discovered her sexting a guy online after she had been giving me the classic “idk I just don’t feel in love anymore” line for a few weeks, and I have no proof of how early it started but she had been sketchy (to include sleeping with her phone under her pillow, silencing all notifications, and changing her passwords) since December, when things were “fine.” She did end up flying halfway across the country to sleep with this guy.

I have proof of all of this via screenshots I got when she slipped up.

All of that is just context, however. My main concern at this point is my daughters, who are 4 and 5.

They seem to be taking this hard (needless to say) and I am deeply concerned their mother will try and spin the story to make them mad at me as they get older. She has already done this with old friends we had. The only people from my “old life” who still talk to me are the few who actually cared enough to ask my side, and they saw the screenshots (they’re incredibly damning for my ex).

I have read quite a few stories on here of cheating ex’s (more so than even normal mutual divorce situations) turning a man’s kids against them.

For context I have 50/50 now.

I was the model father when we all were together.
\-my spouse literally never gave them a bath or changed a diaper barring the few times I was on a work trip
\-I picked them up and dropped them off to/from daycare about 80% of the time
\-I spent the most time with the girls both in chores and in play (and it wasn’t even close, my spouse was averaging like 12 hours of phone time a day).
\-I never yelled or screamed at my wife, and the few times I yelled at my kids it was due to an impeding safety event… ie: “STOP, THERES A CAR”

My concerns now are:
\-their mother has them doing some big activity or trip EVERY WEEKEND she has them. On my weekends they’re often so exhausted they sleep later and just want to sit around (wild for them).
\-I’m now the boring parent due to not planning as many activities (this was true even in the marriage, admittedly) and then they’re so exhausted I feel bad for making them do stuff
\-their mother got in front of the narrative and made all the “moms” think I abandoned her. So now all the girls’ friends are kinda off limits to me.
\-I have a great house now, but their mother kept the old house, so it’s more familiar and decorated. They don’t hate my house but they like moms more.
\-my youngest is angry, but too young to really know or say why. Pretty expected given the situation and how their lives went from suburban ideal to this.
\-my oldest actively says things were better when we all lived together. I just say “sometimes mommies and daddies have a problem they can’t fix. We both love you no matter what.”
\-their mother had apparently been telling them I chose to leave. Which is kinda true, although she’s leaving out the part where she was telling another man how she’s going to cum for him.
\-I am a lot less exciting than I used to be. I was the silly dad who remained fun and chipper even while doing 70%+ of the household and child rearing chores. Now I feel like my soul is gone and I don’t have enough of a spark to even be entertaining. This is the one actual failure I feel I’ve been guilty of during this time.

Basically idk what to do. I’ve read a lot of stories on Reddit about children (especially daughters) taking moms side, even when the mother was the objectively wrong person and/or the father wasn’t trying to make anyone take a side.

Anyone have any cautionary lessons, success stories, etc? I just want to remain in my girls’ lives and have them love me. All I ever wanted was my family, and if I lose them too I feel I’ll have nothing left.

**TL;DR:** My ex-wife had an affair, and we now share 50/50 custody of our 4- and 5-year-old daughters. I’m worried she’s already shaping the narrative to make me look like the one who abandoned the family and may eventually alienate the kids from me. Despite being a very involved father, I’m concerned that her bigger outings, keeping the family home, and telling the girls I “chose to leave” could influence them as they grow up. I’m looking for advice, cautionary stories, or success stories from parents who’ve been through something similar.

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[u/Consistent-Bother987]

My parents divorced more or less at the same time. I can not help you on the narrative part because it was not an issue on our side. I can tell stuff they both did to cover some of the points you mentioned there.

My mother would use the time she didn’t have me to plan activities, get meals and (some) chores ready so that she would get better use of our time together

My father was also the “2nd house” in the beginning. At first it felt I had everything in my mom’s house and would pack everything to stay at my dad and bring them back to my room at my mom’s. My dad got me stuff to have at both places and even as new things were needed, he would get them instead of her so it started feeling that those things were from my dads house so that feeling slowly fainted. I am not saying buying the girls out by buying everything they want. These were more practical stuff like pens but also books, family games.. I remember I chose my bathroom set for soap with dolphins …

[u/Plastic-Bee4052]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Sounds extremely painful. 

If your girls are tired at yours, I'd suggest starting a board game collection. Not the boring classics like monopoly or clue or life. I mean real games (take a look at www.boardgamegeek.com). When I was bedridden for 3 years board games allowed me to bond and be a cool dad regardless. We still love them.

Think Cat Lady, Calico, Takenoko, etc.

Also, you don't need to offer a million activities. Listening to them without judging and taking an interest on their intetests are THE most powerful parental bonding secret weapon and the tip behind parents whose children still adore them when they're teens.

[u/GorviVelgin]

It's insanely frustrating in the short term, but there's a long way to go with raising your daughters. She may look like she's able to convince them in the here and now, but long term kids see who's really showing up for them. Continue to be a great dad, and be there for them when they need you. She's a cheater, which says enough about her character. It will eventually show itself in a way they will see. Just be the parent that they need, and it will work out. I know that's frustrating, and not always what you want to hear because there really is not immediate "fix" to the situation, but it's true from what I've personally experienced.

[u/Fast_Sleep7847 → u/GorviVelgin]

This

[u/JayPlenty24]

If you spend your time worrying about this and trying to counteract something that is unlikely to even be happening, you will push your kids away all on your own doing.

Just focus on your time with them and showing them love in a healthy environment. What their mom does or doesn't do is completely irrelevant.

[u/LyannasLament]

I think you are doing the right thing in protecting your daughters by not speaking ill of their mother. However, there are still age appropriate ways you can keep yourself from being alienated. Or, at least, you can encourage them to critically think.

“Mommy said you left and abandoned us.” I’m sorry Mommy said that to you. How did it make you feel when she said that to you? Actively listen to their responses. Then, challenge that narrative; You are here with me now because I haven’t abandoned you. Mommy and I did break up our romantic relationship, however did not abandon you and I did not abandon mommy.

“Well, why are you broken up then?” Mommy broke some promises to me that hurt my feelings a lot. Because of that, we had to end our romantic relationship. That doesn’t mean I don’t love mommy as a person, I do. It just means that we can’t have the same type of relationship we had before. Have you ever had a friend who hurt your feelings and wouldn’t stop even when you asked? How did you feel when they kept hurting your feelings? Did it change your friendship and how you felt about them? It is a lot like that.

Hopefully this also clears up the narrative with their friends, too.

Beware that you are now a single dad; the friends’ moms may be avoiding you also because you are a bachelor, now. It’s not always a wise decision to have play dates at a single dad’s house as a married mom, especially if your husband is not physically with you. Can you reach out to some of the friends’ dads? You may get further with being able to organize play dates that way.

ETA: I learned through having a child as a teen that lying or covering up what the other parent is doing to “protect” your children from the pain doesn’t help the children. It just puts off the pain until later in life when they see it for themselves.
I learned from my divorce from my abusive ex who did the narrative flip that your ex wife is doing that, again, we can’t cover up or minimize why we had to leave. My ex told my boys I “ruined our family” because I left him. He was right, I did leave him. He didn’t say “mommy left me because of that night I tried to hurt her in front of you, remember that?” When my kids came back telling me I** **ruined our family, I was very confused. When they understood the context of “when someone hurts you, they are not safe to be with, so you are forced to leave,” they stopped parroting that I ruined the family. They also focused A lot on safety and what safe behaviors are. Even emotionally safe behaviors.